Just wanting to share how I am feeling


Registered User
Mar 6, 2008
Need to share. I am 52, full-time working Mum, two children, 18, 11. Husband in remission from cancer, not working. Mum's been going downhill for last year quite badly. Two brothers live long distant, sister, who doesn't work but has grandchildren, and me coping alone. Mum in denial, won't accept any help, even keeping relations at bay, just wants me, sister and my husband really. We do everything for her. She's only at home overnight.

I came home this afternoon with migraine - been doing too much I suppose. Went bed for an hour - bliss, even tho in pain, didn't have to feel guilty about lying in. Never get chance because up early to get to Mum's every morning and at weekends before work. Sister dropped Mum off at 2, not knowing I was ill. Couldn't sleep it off because Mum never stopped talking downstairs and I knew it would be hard on my husband, who is just great with her really. I got up and when my medication kicked in, I started ironing again. It's the only way I can cope with Mum when she is in the house because she won't listen to anything on tele. She criticises everything that's on, girls especially, and it drives us nuts. As for Richard and Judy, God help them, she's really got it in for them because they are on every day, and she used to love them!

I read up on dementia last night and I think that she's got Vascular Dementia. She remains undiagnosed - hates he doctor. (She went to get her eyes tested the other day, loved the lady, today she hates her - isn't going again! ) Why I say I think she's got that is because some weeks ago when she was down ours she would sit on the sofa and just stare for long periods of time, as if she was shut off from things. Some weeks later now, she won't shut up, as if she's on a high, really full of herself. Afterwards, she'll go quiet and dead confused. For example, she just went upstairs to use the toilet. When she came down she was trying to explain to us something about 'a wire thing' and 'needs a knife'. I knew she was referring to the toilet roll holder, because she needs a knife to get hers out of the holder in her house, and that ours needed a new roll, but she wouldn't have it, she said she wanted to show me. Took me upstairs and I really believed she thought she was in her own house, because when she got upstairs she looked so confused, and then she got really irritable. I felt so sorry for her.

I took her home and I did the usual, tablets, bottle for the bed, television, heating and everything, but I felt so stressed I just made my excuses and left. Got in the car and just burst into tears. I say to my husband that the only way this is going to get better is if she dies, how awful is that. Once she's gone, I'll pray every day she could be back with us, but I wouldn't want her back the way she is now, I want her back the way she was, my lovely Mum, who I have always loved so very much and who has always been my best friend. She's still here and I am missing her so much. I suppose she has always been the one to make me feel better - still her little girl, and I don't suppose you really grow up until you lose your Mum.


Registered User
May 16, 2007
Hi Lynn.
I'm sorry todays a bad one. I totally can relate to the well you feel today . My mum has vascular dementia and the irritibility and critisizing is so familiar! And i can say that feeling like you wish she wasn't here is normal as far as I'm concerned and I'm sure others will agree! We all have our breaking points, we are only human.

I do thing you need to get the doctor involved no matter how hard it is. You need to get more help especially when your husband has been ill. And it takes time to see the right specialists and organise home help so start with your GP.

Good luck, and know that you're not the only one going through the same terrible times but I'll be thinking about you.

ann x


Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
Dear Lynnm,
Welcome to Talking Point. You really have a great deal to cope with.
Others will come on line and give support but if I was in your position, a visit to the Doctor's for yourself and then the Doctor should put the help you require into action.
Wishing you all the best


Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
but I felt so stressed I just made my excuses and left. Got in the car and just burst into tears
I know what you mean , the strain does get to you like that . Sounds like you do have a lot to cope with .

when you say
I took her home and I did the usual, tablets
what medication is she on ? as I am wondering if you can get her to the doctor to check her over on the portents that he need to review her medication .

Mum's been going downhill for last year quite badly.
Or when you say the above has she already been told she has dementia ?

Linda Mc

Registered User
Jul 3, 2005
Nr Mold
Welcome to TP... you really do need some help. Get an appointment with your GP to discuss your situation and your Mums and contact your local Alz office too.

Maybe you also have Admiral Nurses in your area you can contact them yourself for advice or just a chat.

You have to get the ball rolling so that you can get the support you need I know it is hard but has to be done.

Take care of yourself.

Linda x


Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
Dear Lord, LynnM,
You seem to have scooped the pool for a bucketful of trouble. Agree with comments which precede mine, but would add - bluntly I am afraid - It's not going to get any easier. You ARE going to have to get outside agencies in on the situation with your mother, otherwise you are crack up under the strain (maybe not this month, but in a year or two) and THEN what happens. Some s.s. person who is a stranger to everything & everyone involved has to try to step into your shoes? And that is going to work quite how, pray?

Please, get in touch with the local Alzheimer's Association, YOUR doctor, because you need help if you are to continue to support your husband & mother. You may be a super person, but none of us are SuperWoman, she's mythical.

Please don't think me unsympathetic -
I wouldn't want her back the way she is now, I want her back the way she was, my lovely Mum,
I have one of those at home too. :(

Best Wishes, you've come to the right place for support. They're not all as ham-fisted as me :eek:


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Dear Lynn, welcome to TP. I hope you'll find the support you need here.

Lynne's right, you do need to get some support organised, for you as well as your mum.

Have you had an assessment from social services? If not, you need to get that set up -- an assessment for your mum, and also a carers' assessment for yourself. Your local branch of Alzheimer's Sociaty or Princess Royal Trust for Carers will help you with this.

Post here whenever you like, there are lots of people caring for parents, and we know how difficult it is.


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