1. Matt's mum

    Matt's mum Registered User

    Jun 25, 2009
    South wales
    Hi my name is Ally and I am so glad I found this wonderful site.
    My dad is 78 and has recently been diagnosed with alzheimers, I lost my Mam last april so things have been quite tough.
    My dad started having memory problems and speech problems shortly after my mam died. My dad has been prescribed Aricept.

    I have a 19 year old son who is brill, I suffer with ill health myself, what we can't agree on though is wether to tell my dad's neighbours about the Alzheimers or not to say anything. I live in a small village and everyone knows everyone's business.
    I feel I should tell the neighbours but matt thinks I shouldn't say anything.

    I would like to know how you all dealt with the same suitaion.
    Thanks for taking the time to read.
    Best wishes
    ally xx
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    If you live in a small village and everyone know everyone else`s business, I`d tell the neighbours because I`m sure they`ll look out for your dad.
    I told my mother`s neighbours and left them my phone number. They were wonderful.
    I have also told our neighbours about my husband and they are wonderful too.
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hi and welcome to TP!

    I found that disclosure worked well for me as far as neighbours and colleagues and family were concerned.
  4. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    Hi Ally,
    I personally would tell people. I think Alzheimer's has to be treated like any other disease and not be something hidden away. You may be pleasantly surprised to find out who will be helpful and sympathetic to you.

    I told everybody my mother has Alzheimer's. And I became a world-class bore on the subject, pontificating at the drop of a hat. I've reined that in slightly ;) but am always ready to educate someone anywhere, anytime.
  5. JPG1

    JPG1 Account Closed

    Jul 16, 2008
    Hello, Matt's Mum/Ally,

    Well, if you live in a small village and if everyone already knows everyone's business, then sooner or later they may know about your Dad's problems too.

    If that knowledge comes from you, but on the basis of "need to know" first, meaning nearest who might care best about your Dad come first, then the neighours on the outskirts can wait. And at least you will be in control of the information that comes their way, rather than the 'grapevine', which could get it totally wrong.

    Does your Dad have any close neighbours who would help him, if they knew he needed help? They are the ones who perhaps need to know first of all.

    Then take it slowly.

    How did I deal with similar situation? Yes, I talked to the closest neighbours, who were then of great help all round. And as the need for more support arrived, then somehow or other it came, from the wider 'neighbourhood', including hairdresser, corner shop, newsagent and so on. Which can't guarantee that your Dad's neighbours will react the same, of course. But they may.

    Has your son said why he thinks you shouldn't tell the neighbours? Is it because he is frightened of the diagnosis? Is it because he doesn't know/like/trust the neighbours? Your son may need help too, to come to terms with that diagnosis of Alzheimer's. It's not easy for a 19 year old, any more than it's easy for a 59 year old!

    Do you have any other support? GP, or Social Worker, and the like?

    Take care,
  6. julieann15

    julieann15 Registered User

    Jun 13, 2008
    Hi and welcome
    I totally agree with all above- we told the control centre that covers MIL's flat and some close friends who live nearby- they were not surprised- I think it explained some of her behaviours.

    Her neighbours have our numbers so they can now contact us direct if they have concerns:eek:

    Love Julie xx
  7. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    Hello Ally, welcome to TP,
    I suppose the first thing I might think is 'Would dad have wanted everyone to know what is wrong with him?' preceded perhaps by a question as to whether your dad himself knows his diagnosis.

    Even if he might not, in his former self, have wanted his predicament broadcast far and wide, he might nevertheless have seen the wisdom of telling the immediate neighbours to right and left, if there are any.

    I think it's a question now of what you think is best for him. If you think the neighbours will be sympathetic and able to help, then yes, of course tell them. Or perhaps start with one neighbour in whom you have some confidence. You may get to the stage of needing to ask the neighbours for some favour or other,especially if your own health is not great, if only to let you know if dad has left a gate open or something. To ask a favour cold would probably not be a good idea.

    You don't say why your son doesn't want the neighbours told. I would be interested to know this. Would it cause him embarrassment? I don't see the need to tell the neighbours if the only reason is 'custom and practice' but if you think that doing so might result in easier relations with your neighbours, and more support for your dad,then I'd certainly tell at least one person in whom I had some confidence.

    Do you and your dad share a home or are you some distance away?
  8. shelley

    shelley Registered User

    Mar 29, 2009

    hi ally just wanted to say hello and welcome i would be lost without this site just knowing that i am not out there alone,my mum is 70 she also has alzhimers,its so hard to deal with.shelley
  9. Scottie45

    Scottie45 Registered User

    Jan 25, 2009
    Hi Ally

    Just wanted to welcome you to TP,i hope you find the site very useful.I would agree with the rest and tell the neighs,i hope they are good neighs,my mum had a good neigh who looked out for her and would phone me if anything happened etc,sadly the person died suddenly and i have been lost without them as the other neighs are all old,so if they are good neighs go for it as you will need all the help you can get.Take care Marian x
  10. living in hope

    living in hope Registered User

    Dec 14, 2008
    My husband has AD and is only 59, we told neighbours, friends and most people we came into contact with. I took the view that if Brian got lost or needed help, people would understand why he could not sort it himself. It has proved very helpful when Brian has gone walking, friends etc have rang and told us where he was, so we were able to find him easily. We have had no negative responses from anyone, just total support.
  11. Clive

    Clive Registered User

    Nov 7, 2004
    Hi Ally

    By the time mum was diagnosed her neighbours knew there was something wrong because mum was behaving differently to what she had in the past.

    Simple examples are when the next-door neighbour wanted to borrow mum’s garage for a day or so mum could not find the key which was hung behind the kitchen door as always… completely out of character.

    And when the smoke alarm went off and she went to find a neighbour because she didn’t know what it was… whilst her dinner burnt under the grill.

    And she would stand outside her friend’s house without going and knocking on the door.

    Though none of the neighbours understood exactly what AD is, they were relieved to find out that something was wrong and that the doctor was doing something about it.

    I just told the neighbours that mum had AD which ment she had problems with her memory sometimes and that it would get worse, though I was not telling her that… and I didn’t want the neighbours telling her either.(there was plenty of time for the neighbours to find out just what AD is like as time went by)

    I made sure the neighbours had my phone number, and that I had theirs so that if there was a real emergency I could get someone to mum’s house quickly just to be a pair of eyes for me.

    I think I did the right thing as it meant they did not think she was snubbing them when she got things wrong… and possible they showed her a little more compassion.

  12. milly123

    milly123 Registered User

    Mar 15, 2009
    hi ally i think it helped me once the neighbours knew my husband has alzheimer's i think they had started to put two and two together for some of the things he did or said that was out of caricter welcome to tp milly123
  13. icare2

    icare2 Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    hi all thers hope

    my wife was an early onset of this illness at the age of 54, that was 9 years ago now,seems it depends on the area or the post code, before anything seems to help, this is a good site for letting your feelings out, but its not got to the Real issues of telling the real story about caring/ help/with your Local S/Work Dept.thats availabile to anyone that needs it, with being told that you or your partner has A.D. and getting anyhing done about it !!..
    or any help that you can have at a local level..
  14. Matt's mum

    Matt's mum Registered User

    Jun 25, 2009
    South wales
    #14 Matt's mum, Jun 25, 2009
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2009
    Hi all thanks for all the great supportive messages everyone has given me, I can't believe how kind everyone is. :)
    Reading all these positive messages I think I will sit down with Matt and explain that I need to let the neighbours know possibly they already know because my dad has gone from a very sociable man to someone who hardly speaks.
    I feel the reason Matt isn't fussed on telling anyone is because he knows that my dad has always been a very private man, and maybe he wants to protect him.
    When my mam died Matt was with her in the hospital when she suffered a massive heart attack,and died, so I think it may have something to do with this,I feel we as a family didn't have anytime to grieve for my mam and then we have had to cope with my dad becoming unwell.
    My dad is also partially sighted he has glaucoma and very little vision in his left eye.
    My dad was only diagnosed last friday so I guess it is very early days for us.
    I feel so much better speaking to other people who understand. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
    I will keep you all updated.
    Take care
    love ally xx
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Keep posting Ally. :)
  16. Matt's mum

    Matt's mum Registered User

    Jun 25, 2009
    South wales
    Thanks Sylvia I will keep you all updated.
    Best wishes
    ally xx
  17. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    Hi Ally

    My mum lived in a small town. The neighbours actually knew before me that something was wrong, cos they saw her every day and I only saw her once a week. They were the first people I told, and kept an eye out for her. I could list the things they did for her, they were all so very kind. Let them know.

  18. Sam Iam

    Sam Iam Registered User

    Sep 29, 2008
    Hello Ally

    Hi Ally & welcome to TP.
    I took the decisiont o tell our neighbours about Mum (81 Diagnosed 2008) & her having AD and for the most it has been brilliant, I feel she is safer as they sort of keep an eye out for her and reat her good.
    I did however tell the local shop keeper incase she was short of money, one lady is lovely and very trust worthy but the actual owner I feel could be sall I say "taking advantage of the situation"
    Just wanted people to learn from my mistake :(:eek:

  19. Matt's mum

    Matt's mum Registered User

    Jun 25, 2009
    South wales
    Thanks Margaret and Sam I am going to tell my dad's neighbours tonight I haven't been feeling to good myself so I haven't got round to it yet. But I feel more confident in telling the neightbours.
    That's awful Sam about the shop keeper, good job the lady is lovely and trust worthy, thanks for making me aware of this I wouldn't of thought of that.
    I am so glad that I found talking point I don't feel so alone.
    I did tell my cousin today she said she will help me if I need it,so that is good.
    Thanks again
    Best wishes
    ally xx

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