Just venting/Dysfunctional Family Falling Apart

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by JackieJames, Jan 14, 2016.

  1. JackieJames

    JackieJames Registered User

    Dec 31, 2014
    #1 JackieJames, Jan 14, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2016
    I live in the America and due to a mistake on my brother’s part, my mother has lost her supplementary Medicaid insurance. We have been unable to reinstate it. Trying for months now. She has been hospitalized and sent home early due to this fact. They did not even want to admit her and we had to threaten the hospital with a lawsuit. She has Medicare, that she pays for, but due the immense medical bills (many hospitalizations for CHF (heart disease) and other things, and a monthly pharmaceutical bill totaling $2,000.00 a month, all funds ran out and now we have no coverage for drugs. But, my question is really this.
    My brother is now telling me to please pay the drug bill every month. He says he cannot do it. I happen to know that she gave him $80,000 dollars
    A long time ago to hold for her. She told me this and she was lucid. I am very sure. It was to cover any expenses not covered and final ones. The rest was to go to his grandson. I had no issue with that. Was a bit hurt, but no matter.
    What is making me very angry right now is that he came to me to pay this bill, which I cannot afford. We are already financially supporting her as much as we can. Hub to retire in July of this year.
    I wrote to my brother and told him that we are doing our best to help her (I have always been quiet about this as I don’t think one should advertise), but since he is being so quiet abut the money, I finally told him, why not used the $80K she gave you? His answer? Oh, she would hate that. My response: I doubt that in as much as she asked that you do this. You can keep what is left. I don’t care. No response. My mother’s nine year long illness has torn our family apart in many ways.
    I feel so used and like I don’t understand this brother any longer. Actually there are 3 siblings and since she got ill nine years ago, it has been nothing but trouble. Has anyone suffered from this sort of thing? I know it is different in England as you have NHS. God Bless.
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    Your brother has got nerve! Send the bills to him.
  3. JackieJames

    JackieJames Registered User

    Dec 31, 2014
    Thank you for validating me. I feel so guilty complaining, but I am so over the top. Mother's dementia is progressing now. It is painful. You all know this. And now with no insurance for a nursing home, for medications, for hospital, I am lost.
    There is a part of me that wants to just run away ... far away ... but I can't. I love my mother. I do. She doesn't have long. I know it. Congestive heart failure and dementia are a cruel. Lots of things are cruel. I am so sorry for the venting. I used to come and ask if she had dementia. Now I know she does.
  4. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    You have nothing to feel guilty about and I agree with Cat, send him the bills xx.
  5. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    We are here for you to vent. Don't feel guilty about anything.
  6. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    Hi Jackie, I didn't have your experience with my brother thankfully but I know many,many people on TP have - what is it about illness that brings out the worst in some people?

    You say there are other siblings - do they know about the $80k brother received, do they approve of it not being used to help Mum now? Do they contribute to Mum's costs already or could they now do that?

    Given the circumstances I think you are more than justified in reiterating to brother that you are simply not able to give any more than you already do, it's not choice it's just a fact. If he and other siblings agree on not using Mum's $80k to help her :)mad:) then they must sort out another way to make up the shortfall, there is money available, if they choose not to use that's their problem.....

    Re the loss of Mum's Medicaid is there absolutely no way it can be reinstated? Could you involve your local politician, get him/her to weigh in on your side? If not then facts have to be faced that that funding has been lost and alternative arrangements need to be sorted....by brother and other siblings.

    Good luck and hope you feel a bit better just for having a rant on here.
  7. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    We may have the NHS and all its faults, but we have dysfunctional families too:rolleyes:
    What happens ( because I really have no idea) to a patient who does not have Medicare or savings assets to pay for their medical needs?

    I would be telling your Brother that he is responsible for her medical needs. He has her money therefore he has a moral duty to fulfil. Make it clear to him that you have no money and therefore you cannot provide for her needs despite your love for Mum.

    I wish I could offer more, but the only thought that has come to me, are there any local Charities that could be asked for help?
    Keep posting.
  8. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    Do you think he may have already spent it ? And I don't mean on your mother.
  9. Adcat

    Adcat Registered User

    Jun 15, 2014
    Just look at my previous post and you'll see a dysfunctional family. Your brother needs to cough up.
    Take care and keep strong x
  10. Irishgirl57

    Irishgirl57 Registered User

    Jan 21, 2014
    Florida, USA
    Jackie... I feel so sad for your family and what this disease does even to the best families. I also live in the US and when I go to my neurologic center I say how much more help there is for us the patient over there. Support groups and such.

    None of that helps you right now ... No you're not alone. I have five children and my sons don't deal with at all, my daughters try their best , when I don't drive them away.

    I don't have solution, but know that money is at the basis for most family fights. Do what you can, that is all any of us can do.... Sending prayers and hugs for you all.
  11. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    Radcliffe on Trent
    #11 Pickles53, Jan 15, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2016
    it may be different now but when we lived over in the USA for 9 years up to 1999 people either went without, used up their savings, remortgaged their houses or in some cases went bankrupt. Even those who had good health insurance often found it was not renewable if they claimed too much or if it was linked to their jobs they lost it when they became too ill to continue working. I knew one lady who wanted to divorce her husband but couldn't because he had cancer and only had health insurance because her employer's health insurance covered him as a spouse.

    It's why I have so little patience with patients who think they're hard done by if they have to pay for hospital car parking (or if their free hospital transport takes a bit longer than a taxi to get to them because they're picking up other patients en route.)

    You surely do have my sympathy JackieJames having this intolerable additional worry on top of every other concern about your mother. I only wish I had any practical suggestions to offer.
  12. JackieJames

    JackieJames Registered User

    Dec 31, 2014
    #12 JackieJames, Jan 16, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2016
    I just want to thank each and every one of you for your responses. It does help to know that I am not the only one with a dysfunctional family. There are two brothers and myself. That is all. Yes, I believe everyone knows about that money but no one says a word. He will just have to pay the bills for her medication. So sad that money is what we are fighting about and that we do not work well together. If you have a family that works together, you are lucky. Some, I do realize, are completely alone and I am so sorry about this.
    Husband and I are/and have been doing a lot financially for many years now. Brothers are both strapped and have no money.
    Everyone wants their money and the drugs will stop. I don't know where to go. I am trying. I cant get adult protective services in because she has no diagnosis of dementia despite her depression, delirium, memory and behavioral issues.
    My brothers do not understand that she has issues; they call it senility and wonder why she repeats all the time. I know differently but they are either in denial or will not listen.

    Yesterday, she took three times her normal dose on Ativan (a relaxation agent similar to Valium) because she could not breathe. She is in last stage of congestive heart failure. I panicked. Mother just yells and screams at me, then minutes later she is crying and then she is repeating. Her moods will shift in one conversation, often goes on from one subject to another. One minute her "children" are wonderful; the next we are awful. I am no longer hurt by the things she says; now I am just sad/grieving and scared for her living in her home alone.
    Without the Medicaid we cannot get anyone in. When she had the Medicaid, she refused people in . I do the cooking (she doesn't eat/actually no appetite and forgets). I do the cleaning. I talk. I listen. But, I cannot help her. She needs more. I asked her to come here and she refused. I hate the word nursing home. And, now, without Medicaid, that is out of the question. No coverage under Medicare that we do pay for. She would need savings or Medicaid. Nursing homes cost average $100,000 per year for a good one; less for a bad one. This does not include medical doctors, hospitalizations, etc.
    Sorry to go on and on. Am reading here. Taking all suggestions. Praying for us all and for our loved ones who have this awful disease.
    My mother wants to die now. What do I say to that? I don't have answers. I don't really expect a reply. I do thank you for reading and for your responses,.
  13. JackieJames

    JackieJames Registered User

    Dec 31, 2014
    Thank you for your prayers. They are needed and appreciated.
  14. JackieJames

    JackieJames Registered User

    Dec 31, 2014
    I just don't know. But, I agree, he needs to use that money now. I am sick and tired of his antics. He has been difficult about everything. Withholding medical information from me abut my mother when I needed it. He has POA and he is just controlling.
  15. JackieJames

    JackieJames Registered User

    Dec 31, 2014
    Thank you, Kat. It's hard to open up but perhaps another will know they are not alone. I don't know.
  16. JackieJames

    JackieJames Registered User

    Dec 31, 2014
    I will try to find that post. I think I need support re dysfunctional family. Yes.
  17. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    Sorry to hear you find yourself in this sad situation. I know you have told him he has to pay this money which is for safe keeping not his keeping. I may be a bit too blunt here but personally I would tell him if she doesn't get the medication etc she needs I would hold him responsible if and when she dies! Maybe that would hit home a bit more. Even threaten him with a lawsuit.

    Can you not revoke his poa as he's holding onto the cash for his son by the sound of it to me. Sorry if I'm too blunt, but money does bring out the worst in people. At least your conscience is clear and you know you are doing all you can and more. Hopefully when your brother is older karma will repay his attitude.
  18. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Jackie, I'm sorry; I've only just now seen this thread or I would have replied sooner. I am very sorry to hear what you are going through.

    I can't offer specific legal or medical or insurance advice, I'm sorry. You know as well as I do that it's complicated, and depends on where you live and the situation. But you clearly need some help!

    I don't know where you are in the States, but my suggestion is to Google "area agency on aging" and then the name of your city, or county and state, and also "senior services" and then the name of your city, or county and state.

    Where I live, there is an Area Agency on Aging and they have a phone number you can call, to get information about all sorts of issues, including sorting out Medicaid and Medicare and supplemental insurance problems.

    I suspect that you are going to have to consider hiring an elder law attorney, to deal with this situation. Again, the Area Agency on Aging should be able to give you a list of appropriate attorneys in your area and (if you ask nicely, but you may have to be persistent) even make recommendations. If money is a problem, ask about Legal Aid in your area. There may also be some sort of a state ombudsman available where you live. Ask them about this as well, as well as any other agency or office that can serve as an advocate or resource for you.

    You might also contact the Alzheimer's Association, get the number for your nearest chapter, and call them as well. Don't be shy about asking for help. The national number is 1-800-272-3900 and they answer that 24/7. They can tell you what groups are in your area.

    I know it feels awful and overwhelming and hopeless and you must be so worried about your mother. Please don't give up. I am not saying it will be easy to get help, but please do try.

    I'm so sorry about the situation. Sending warmest wishes to you.
  19. PeterMD

    PeterMD Registered User

    Jan 1, 2016
    Sorry for your awful trouble

    I care for my mother and am her youngest son of 3, my 2 brothers have offered no help at all and for the past 5 years iv had to care for my mother with Alzheimer's. Iv had to reduce my hours in work down to practically zero give up all social events including family weddings while my brothers lives haven't changed one bit. In fact one brother who only lives a mile away hasn't visited our mother for 18months. Both know how much how it's affected my life and just don't care. I find it all just unbelievable. I hope your brother does the right thing it's too late for my brothers though cus it's past the point now where our mother would recognise them.
  20. JackieJames

    JackieJames Registered User

    Dec 31, 2014

    Amy, thank you so much for all of this. I so appreciate it. I did the research, got the numbers and sent it all to my brother (not the POA), but the one who both lost the Medicaid because he "forgot" to reapply (you have to reapply annually) in time! He did this two years in a row. This last year, they simply have not renewed. She is off of it for over six months now. Anyway, as HE is the one who has all the information and has been handling this for years (9 long years of this now), I sent to him with a copy to POA brother as well. And .. no reply at all. They are going to just "wait".

    Truly, I am ready to wash my hands of it all. I cannot cope with the non responsiveness of these brothers. I cannot do more than I am doing. I am being ignored now. I get the message.

    I wil call the alzheimers association because I now need emotional support to deal with all of this. You know, my mother will not allow anyone in to her house to help (this is when we had aides) and she will not go to doctors appointments, she cancels, she is ill, she wont go to a Nursing Home. And no one can make her because she is competent. I feel very guilty writing this, but the truth is, as much as I love her, she has always been very stubborn. Long before her mind was affected by the "undiagnosed dementia or whatever it is'. She wants it her way or the highway.
    I understand and I do not.

    If anyone can recommend support for ME now emotionally, I could use it. I don't want to use this site to just rant.

    Thanks once again. I can lead the proverbial horse to water, but I cant make him drink.


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