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just someone to talk to

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
173
Hello there

I'm working with social care to get my mum assessed finally and there a telephone assessment to be done with the social worker at Mum's bungalow. Not sure how that's going to go but we can only try. To be honest I'm quite nervous about it. Mum is a lovely person but is very suspicious of me and my motives. I have been so worried about her living on her own in her 90s with only me to look out for her - it's bad enough but with deteriorating memory and me moving away. Mum has told her GP that she doesn't want her children to know her details and my brother has programmed her phone so that only me or him can call her.

What I struggle with is the feelings of guilt that I'm not doing enough for her and this has gone for years. She happy but moans that she doesn't see anyone! I do try and see her every week, do her shopping and help her out but it has become a burden - is than awful thing to say?

I would love her to be in a nice little residential home with other people, doing activities, getting fed properly and just being looked after by those that know how to. I'm sure her quality of life would be better or would it? She is adamant that she doesn't want people in her home so would it be better to just give in and me move away - visit once a week and do her online shopping because that is all I am able to do for her now - anything more is too much for me now.

I've spoken to my daughter and told her everything that has happened to her Nanna (whom she hasn't seen since Christmas). She just didn't seem to understand how much worry about her Nanna but really want someone else to take over now. My daughter sees my Mum's need for independence. I guess it's that old story of your don't know a situation until you live it.

I so wish I had someone with me who see what I see in my Mum and sees how vulnerable she is.

Is that PWD put on an act so that everything is fine?

My mum can hardly walk, she has not left her bungalow since I took her to the beach in March (where I was supporting her) she is having toilet problems (from what i've seen), frail, poor eyesight, poor hearing, poor concentration, little mobility....

I'm really worried I've stirred everything up when Mum is not as bad I think.

I just feel I'm the villain and being really cruel
 

Lemondrizzle

Registered User
Aug 26, 2018
69
Oh please don't think that. You have done so much and have so much on your own plate as well. I have been where you are and nearly had a nervous breakdown - and I had my husband and daughter for support. I was drained beyond what I can even imagine now. To be honest my MIL used to say she didn't ever see anyone when in fact she did so I would not overthink that. I had many times of thinking a home would be better even though we had an amazing team of carers looking after her across the day. PWD are adept at making people think they are fine. We had an incident with MIL where she had been unresponsive for a fortnight. The GP had been in, prescribed antibiotics and toddled off again. She got to the point where she was catatonic, GP was called again, who this time called an ambulance. That's a whole other story but upshot was as soon as she was at the hospital she "came round" and just as I was explaining to the doctor how she had been, she decided she needed a wee and was insistent on climbing off the bed and walking to the toilet!!!! I know it makes you doubt what you have seen, but you know in your heart of hearts that she is as bad as you think and you are doing all you can to keep her safe. You have to keep yourself safe too. We were just making the care home decision when the illness took over and she passed away.
 

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
173
Oh please don't think that. You have done so much and have so much on your own plate as well. I have been where you are and nearly had a nervous breakdown - and I had my husband and daughter for support. I was drained beyond what I can even imagine now. To be honest my MIL used to say she didn't ever see anyone when in fact she did so I would not overthink that. I had many times of thinking a home would be better even though we had an amazing team of carers looking after her across the day. PWD are adept at making people think they are fine. We had an incident with MIL where she had been unresponsive for a fortnight. The GP had been in, prescribed antibiotics and toddled off again. She got to the point where she was catatonic, GP was called again, who this time called an ambulance. That's a whole other story but upshot was as soon as she was at the hospital she "came round" and just as I was explaining to the doctor how she had been, she decided she needed a wee and was insistent on climbing off the bed and walking to the toilet!!!! I know it makes you doubt what you have seen, but you know in your heart of hearts that she is as bad as you think and you are doing all you can to keep her safe. You have to keep yourself safe too. We were just making the care home decision when the illness took over and she passed away.
 

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
173
Thank you Lemondrizzle, you are kind.

its so lovely to talk to people who understand.

i feel better.

Had a lovely chat with Mum on the phone so all good now.

Mrs C
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,856
South coast
Ive read your previous posts @MrsChristmas - Im sure you are not exaggerating.
PWD are definitely good at making out that everything is fine - its called being in Hostess Mode on here and it certainly can make you doubt yourself, but they cant maintain it for long and usually it leaves them tired and grumpy.

You need to be able to keep yourself well, dont be bullied into continuing to do what you no longer can.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,404
Bedford
No it is not an awful thing to say. I only spent a year going to my Mum’s and staying there for 2 days each week. Not very long really but OH started saying it would take me a day to relax after and I would start stressing about going the day before. Particularly the months before she went into a Care Home she did not realise how often I was there and it really did get to a point that she really wanted me to move back in and look after her. She really did want company and support.
I felt guilty that I could not do this but I knew it would not work on any level.
Mum went into a Care Home in a November. It has not all been plain sailing but she is safe, she does have reassurance and she has company when she wants it. Yes I still feel bad sometimes that I should have done more but the staff at the Care Home can give more than I can being realistic
 

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
173
Ive read your previous posts @MrsChristmas - Im sure you are not exaggerating.
PWD are definitely good at making out that everything is fine - its called being in Hostess Mode on here and it certainly can make you doubt yourself, but they cant maintain it for long and usually it leaves them tired and grumpy.

You need to be able to keep yourself well, dont be bullied into continuing to do what you no longer can.
Hi Canary,

thank you.

I hope all is well with you?

that’s a great phrase Hostess Mode and I think Mum has using this tactic for a while - she tells everyone she is ‘Fine’ or Ticking along and I don’t think her social Worker has fallen for it.

The social worker has told me not to do anymore and that I need to take a break. I’m moving in a few weeks so I won’t be available. I’ll be able to do what my brother - visit when it suits him...not that I would do that.

Thank you for your support it’s really kind of you.

I don’t think people realise how stressful being a casual carer - until they’ve done it.

Mrs C
 

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
173
No it is not an awful thing to say. I only spent a year going to my Mum’s and staying there for 2 days each week. Not very long really but OH started saying it would take me a day to relax after and I would start stressing about going the day before. Particularly the months before she went into a Care Home she did not realise how often I was there and it really did get to a point that she really wanted me to move back in and look after her. She really did want company and support.
I felt guilty that I could not do this but I knew it would not work on any level.
Mum went into a Care Home in a November. It has not all been plain sailing but she is safe, she does have reassurance and she has company when she wants it. Yes I still feel bad sometimes that I should have done more but the staff at the Care Home can give more than I can being realistic
hi

thank you for your kind words.

We always feel we can do more.

Im moving away after 5 years of responsibility so social care have to do something now.

please can ask Bikergirl what was the trigger for your mum to go into care?

Mrs C
 

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
173
hi

thank you for your kind words.

We always feel we can do more.

Im moving away after 5 years of responsibility so social care have to do something now.

please can ask Bikergirl what was the trigger for your mum to go into care?

Mrs C
sorry Bikerbeth...
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,265
Essex
Hello there

I'm working with social care to get my mum assessed finally and there a telephone assessment to be done with the social worker at Mum's bungalow. Not sure how that's going to go but we can only try. To be honest I'm quite nervous about it. Mum is a lovely person but is very suspicious of me and my motives. I have been so worried about her living on her own in her 90s with only me to look out for her - it's bad enough but with deteriorating memory and me moving away. Mum has told her GP that she doesn't want her children to know her details and my brother has programmed her phone so that only me or him can call her.

What I struggle with is the feelings of guilt that I'm not doing enough for her and this has gone for years. She happy but moans that she doesn't see anyone! I do try and see her every week, do her shopping and help her out but it has become a burden - is than awful thing to say?

I would love her to be in a nice little residential home with other people, doing activities, getting fed properly and just being looked after by those that know how to. I'm sure her quality of life would be better or would it? She is adamant that she doesn't want people in her home so would it be better to just give in and me move away - visit once a week and do her online shopping because that is all I am able to do for her now - anything more is too much for me now.

I've spoken to my daughter and told her everything that has happened to her Nanna (whom she hasn't seen since Christmas). She just didn't seem to understand how much worry about her Nanna but really want someone else to take over now. My daughter sees my Mum's need for independence. I guess it's that old story of your don't know a situation until you live it.

I so wish I had someone with me who see what I see in my Mum and sees how vulnerable she is.

Is that PWD put on an act so that everything is fine?

My mum can hardly walk, she has not left her bungalow since I took her to the beach in March (where I was supporting her) she is having toilet problems (from what i've seen), frail, poor eyesight, poor hearing, poor concentration, little mobility....

I'm really worried I've stirred everything up when Mum is not as bad I think.

I just feel I'm the villain and being really cruel
I felt I had dad's fate in my hands when I put him in the home. However I remembered what the worst were and I knew that I had done the best I could and so did you. You should be proud of yourself.

MaNaAk
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,404
Bedford
sorry Bikerbeth...
No problem. My triggers were
A) mum not recognising her house keys (even when they were in her hand) so could not lock her door at night
B) not being able to turn the tv on (and she has never listened to the radio) so she would just sit for hours staring into space
C) not being able to use the kettle to make a hot drink (would trip electrics and then her 85 year old neighbour would go round to turn them back on)
D) she was desperately lonely as she could answer the phone if she remembered to put it back on the charging station but had forgotten how to use it. Again she would go to neighbour but I was also worrying about neighbour who was mentally well but physically frail.
e) I wanted her to go into a care home so she might make some friends before she deteriorated further as she was having problems with her speech.
by this time she could do herself cereals for breakfast but could not make a sandwich (so carer came in). Lunch was a hot meal delivery. Mum can still dress herself just but would only shower the morning I stayed over. She could not do housework or laundry.
I hope that helps a little