Just put Mum in a care home and feel devastated.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Kittyann, Jun 30, 2015.

  1. Kittyann

    Kittyann Registered User

    Jun 19, 2013
    Hi. Some of you may know my story. I'm a single woman and only child who has been caring for my Mum at home ever since she was diagnosed with dementia six years ago. The last 18 months I have given up full time work to look after her pretty much all the time as her condition worsened.

    Five weeks ago she took another turn for the worse and has been in hospital ever since. The Consultant told me her condition was now at a point where she needed full time nursing care which could not be provided at home.

    So I've found her a really good care home that comes highly recommended by friends who have relatives there. And I know it's the right thing for her. But why, having returned home from settling her in for her first night there, do I feel utterly distraught?

    I feel like it's even worse than if she was dead.
  2. Dazmum

    Dazmum Registered User

    I am sorry KittyAnn, it's such a horrible feeling, and one that many of us know only too well, sadly. I'm an only child too and its hard not having someone to help make such decisions with you. I had this with both my dad (non dementia) and then my mum. You'll need to be kind to yourself, and know that you have made the right decision, which is best for your mum. You will still be able to care for her, spoil her when you visit and it sounds as though the home you've chosen is ideal. This feeling will pass, but it won't happen overnight. Hugs for you x
  3. Summerheather

    Summerheather Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    It's a horrible, evil disease and part of it is the guilt bit that you forever carry around with you. You have done everything that you can for your Mum, try to be kind to yourself xx
  4. chrisdee

    chrisdee Registered User

    Nov 23, 2014
    Hi Kittyanne, I'm not an 'only' but it was just bro. and myself so nearly as bad. Its a time of mixed emotions isn't it? especially when you have to go against what they want due to advancing dementia/lack of understanding. You have done the right thing for her and now she will be safe and properly cared for as AD advances. I do know that the worry never really goes away, but it will diminish and you will start to get your life back. I just think that anything to do with AD is beyond upsetting. We just have to learn to live with it, there will be some good days ahead which should reassure you.
  5. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    I really feel for you, the transition is so very difficult to care home and brings about so many 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' - but please give yourself a hug as you have done the best for your Mum, although maybe it doesn't feel like it right now. When I went through this six months ago (and I have two siblings who did nothing so I feel like an only child) someone on here said to me that we wouldn't choose any of this for our Mums or ourselves which I keep reminding myself of. This disease is terrible and so hard to adjust to each new phase but hopefully you and your Mum will in time. You have got her into a good CH by the sound of things which is good, you are doing your very best in VERY difficult circumstances.
  6. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Take heart from the fact you have done the very best for your mother.

  7. Kittyann

    Kittyann Registered User

    Jun 19, 2013
    Thanks everyone. Hopefully it will get better. Because I have never felt this bad in my life before.
  8. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    Know how you're feeling Kittyann, but it will get better. I used to go into Mum's bedroom and cry. I coped by staying very involved in her care at the nursing home.

    Really hope you manage to get some sleep tonight (large glass of wine maybe, even if it does get watered down by tears). If you write down the reasons why it just isn't possible to give her the care she needs at home it might be helpful when those terrible "if only" moments come back.

    Take care, I really hope you are able to visit your Mum soon and reassure yourself that she is content. Remember YOU are the most important thing to her, not the building that she shared with you.
  9. Kittyann

    Kittyann Registered User

    Jun 19, 2013
    Yes I did the same thing Gigglemore. I think the returning to the house and realising she will never be there again was one of the hardest bits of today.

    I do plan to be involved in her care and visit daily: the home is only 15 minutes drive away.

    Hopefully if she settles things will get easier.
  10. opaline

    opaline Registered User

    Nov 13, 2014
    I'm in exactly the same position only I still work full-time, thank goodness, work has saved my sanity. Mum is still in hospital and I simply don't know where to start looking. Does it depend where there is a vacancy when the time comes? Going to see a solicitor today about guardianship which will probably take forever but at least I know she's getting looked after in hospital, xx
  11. Maldives13

    Maldives13 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2014
    Morning Kittyann.
    Just wanted to say thinking of you at this horrible horrible time. My Mum has been in a care home for 7 weeks. I still feel so awful but I take heart from comments on this site. All we can do is hold hands and keep going I guess. This has by far been the worst period of my life and I have had some very tough times so it's just horrible. Good luck and keep going.
  12. Dazmum

    Dazmum Registered User

    #12 Dazmum, Jul 1, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2015
    You'll have good days and bad days Kittyann. When I visit mum and she's happy, which now is most of the time, I leave her feeling so relieved and thankful that she has such good care. In the early days I just felt horrible, guilty and all the rest and cried on my way home.

    But you have to hold on to the fact that she is safe and being well looked after. You deserve a life too, and you've put that on hold. It does take a while to get used to doing things for you, you deserve it and your mum would want you to enjoy your life too. These are things that I was told here, and helped me. Little steps and we'll all be here for you xxx
  13. Kittyann

    Kittyann Registered User

    Jun 19, 2013
    Well it is a comfort to know that my reaction is normal because I honestly felt like I was going mad yesterday I was so distraught.

    Last night was horrible. I just kep looking round the house and seeing her everywhere in my memory: all the happy times. And it just broke my heart to think she will never be there again. And I know this is more about me than her because she really no longer realises that she's not at home. I spent lots of time with her today and she seems ok. Definitely not sad.

    Also I think placing her in the home made me feel totally alone in the world as she is the only immediate family member I have. And even though she really wasn't aware of much or in a position to even have a proper chat with these past three years or so at least she was there if you know what I mean.

    I do have a couple of cousins and lots of very good friends but it's just not the same. Also none of them can really share my grief because it's not their mother.

    So I guess much of this is me feeling really sorry for myself!

    I know I should be grateful for all the good times I had with Mum but I guess we always want one more day don't we?

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