Just needed to talk to someone

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Annie27300, Nov 12, 2015.

  1. Annie27300

    Annie27300 Registered User

    Nov 12, 2015
    Hello everyone
    I'm new to talking point, a bit of information
    My dad is 72 and has vascular dementia, he still lives at home with my mum and brother.

    I went to visit him today and I got so upset and started crying, I was trying not too because I didn't want to upset my mum as I think she is the one live who has with it and deal with it.

    I just feel like has given up and finding it difficult to see my dad the way he is now. He is very depressed (we have tried different medication and it didn't seem to work)
    On most days he doesn't want to get out of bed, mum is finding it hard to get him up, sometimes he doesn't want to eat. I got a bit frustrated with him tonight ( I know you shouldn't but sometimes it hard) I was trying to get him to eat, he wouldn't get out of bed, so try and get him to sit up in bed but refused I said he needs to so he does choke and he said he couldn't be bothered to eat.

    He seems like he has lost interest in everything, like food, used to listen to music. Now he just lies in bed and doesn't do anything, I know it's not healthy him being like that all day, but what can you do? Try and persuade him to get out and do things but he shouts and can get aggressive with you. It like his bed is his safe haven.

    I know my mum is finding it differcult he needs a lot of help with personal care, he get up in the middle of the night and has already wet himself, this happens most nights so my mum is very tired, but trying to get him to go before he goes to sleep he refuses point blank.

    He is going to a day centre next week so hope this helps, if we can get him there, as you can guess he hasn't been out the house for a while.

    Dementia is so cruel to watch, I know everyone who has to support someone with this disease is going through differcult time but just needed to vent it out.

    Thank you
  2. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    It is difficult and your mum must be exhausted. Have you tried to get him back to the doctor on any spurious excuse. Or get a house call, if yours still do them .Think this is needed now.
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    Welcome to TP :)

    I agree with mindy. Get the GP out & try to be there yourself to explain what's happening.
  4. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    Try to be there as stated above but prior to the visit tip the doctor off by email or phone call then he can't deny what you are saying and the doctor is aware of the bigger picture.
    Also mention when writing/phoning about your mums health being affected, maybe even brother?
  5. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    Surrey, UK
    I did this for my dad-in-law recently. I made a GP appointment for him on the pretext of getting him checked out for the winter. His GP won't accept e-mails, so I wrote an old-fashioned letter to set out my concerns before the appointment. When in the surgery with DIL, I saw the letter had been scanned and was visible on the GP's computer (I recognised my awful handwriting!).

    Another tip is to sit slightly behind the patient, but in the line of sight of the GP. This way, you can keep eye contact with the GP and silently nod or shake your head to confirm/ counter what the patient is saying. I didn't manage to speak to the GP independently, but was able to contradict my DIL openly about some things, mainly because he is hard of hearing! I appreciate this might not work for your dad though!
  6. CeliaThePoet

    CeliaThePoet Registered User

    Dec 7, 2013
    Buffalo, NY, USA
    I wasn't sure if you were saying your dad chokes when he eats? This can be quite serious and at times is a sign of late stage. Seconding a doctor visit, maybe at home.
  7. Annie27300

    Annie27300 Registered User

    Nov 12, 2015
    Hi I have just read my post again and realised some of it doesn't make sense, sorry it was late at night. He is not choking at the moment but the nurse said obviously he has to sit up to eat but sometimes he won't sit up and just wants to lie down in bed. My mum has worried because he doesn't seem to eat much food , is it normal for them not to eat much. During the day we tend to give him finger foods.

    Thank you I'm going to try and be there for the doctors appointment, at our doctors you can't really talk to them over the phone. We had a home visit a couple of weeks ago and the doctor said she was going to refer him for another assessment and scan, as he has gone down hill so fast. So will have to try and chase that up, it just takes a while.
  8. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Welcome to Talking Point, and I'm so sorry to hear about the situation with your dad; it sounds very stressful for you and your family.

    I do think it's a good idea to get him checked out by the doctor. There could be something else going on besides the vascular dementia and depression and it would be good to at least rule things out (maybe time for a medicine change, have him checked for orthostatic hypertension, any signs of an infection, et cetera).

    I have heard many people say that their person with dementia does lose their appetite, but loss of appetite can also be a lot of other things. Again, sounds like a check with the doctor is in order.

    I'm sorry it's all so difficult. Best wishes to you.

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