Just need to talk.....


Registered User
Feb 20, 2006
North West England
I’ve not been in touch for a while, just trying my best to get through each day.

I’m at this crossroads of when / if to say I can no longer do ‘this’ on a permanent basis. It’s just a mater of time really, I do know that.
It’s been a horrendous struggle JUST to get respite.

Things have been BAD again.
Husband’s aggression is reallllly back on us.
So MANY threats to hurt/harm me.

(CPN etc all aware, and concerned for me).
Had a medication review last week.

Where does this aggression come from?
His life is so calm and ordered.
We have ‘no triggers’ for this, and that’s the problem…
Not being able to anticipate an outburst.

At the same time as the aggression has increased, so have the obsessions.
(the tissue hoarding !!), the paranoia, the delusions, the blame/shame, the storytelling.
FOOD is a huge problem now. EVERY SINGLE meal he has he forgets!!
He’s ALWAYS starving, not just hungry.

I know some carers have trouble in getting their ‘patient’, to wash.
My husband, once he’s in the shower WON’T get out !!
If I gently persuade him to finish washing, he will start over again, making himself all soapy. As far as he’s concerned, he’s only just got in the shower.
(Have to stay with him as he fiddles with hot tap, and he NEVER feels the water as hot enough, unless it’s scalding!!).
He shaves (electric) over and over, his face is all blotchy, won’t stop as….
This is THE first shave he’s had today … (tried to hide razor… just gets angry)…

Last night it took me 2 hours to get him to go to bed.

It seems as though everything has come at once, and I am so tired at having to keep going, with a smile on my face, as though there is nothing wrong at all.

I’m just so shattered right now.

Thanks all for letting me rant on…

Take Care



Registered User
Jan 15, 2007

Dear Daisy.

I know how hard it is, my poor dad went throught similar problems with Mum, eventually one day he just rang me, and said no more, and thats when eventuallly I could step in as their daughter and help. Mum is in a super Nursing Home for the past 2years, sadly Dad died only three months after she was placed there, but I know it was the right decision, but a very hard one.

Just wanted to give you some support, and hope things get a little easier.

Jo x


Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
Hi Daisy

Look, it's possible that this aggression, paranoia and compulsive behaviour (all different aspects of the same thing I think) may be modified by medication, but like so many other things, medication changes may make things worse over the short term. Isn't there any way they can take him into a facility (and I realise this probably means sectioning) to sort this out? Then you can reevaluate the situation when and if medication makes a difference. I understand this is an unpleasant thing to contemplate, but he's clearly a danger to others, maybe even himself.




Registered User
Feb 20, 2006
North West England
Thank you...

jenniferpa, it's ALWAYS only been me that my husband has been aggressive with. I don't think he is a 'danger' to anyone other than ME.
Why is this?
Why is it that the patient 'picks' on one person to vent their frustrations?

(I though it was 'usual' , at some stage for the ONE carer to deal with this sort of behaviour).

A couple of other people have seen him be 'defensive' mode.... kind of 'blocking'. Refusing to move.... till he gets his way...
Refusing to leave a shop... till HE is ready...
Getting angry and swearing....
But they've never heard him say....
"Don't MAKE me hurt you?"

For now, I've been doing a lot of walking away, as it's all I can do.

I agree that something / assesment or other needs to be done.
But what happens in an assesment when the person being assesed is assesed as 'OK' .
What happens if they cannot 'see' my husband as I do?
What are they looking for?
What is 'involved' in as assesment?

His mood can change so quick, and YET 'in between' it is as though nothing is wrong.
ALSO he can be nice to me (if someone else is in the room), then change.

I know I'll have to decide when (NOT IF), I move things along, so YES the decision HAS been made.
No, I havent spoken to the CPN about the Long Term Care.

I dread the day when I have to tell my in-laws that I can't do 'this' any more.
To say the **** will hit the fan, is putting it mildly!!

I'll go from my husband being aggressive, to them.

Thanks all.

Take Care



Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
I’m just so shattered right now.
Yes I know the feeling.

Its like a catch 22, you know what you want, but doing it is the hardest part you just want someone to take it all out of your hands, I feel so trap sometime for me its like a circle going around in my mind, knowing that it be best for mum to go in a care home know it’s the time, gosh this has been going around my mind for the last 5 years and still I carry on because now mum sleeps a lot forgets to go to the loo , Then mum has weeks of good days and I change my mind.

Where before she shown sighs of what your husband does, is doing .
I hope you can find time to get out on your own , also talking to my brother CPN and the team his under helps me a lot , as in Fulham we don’t have CPN for people with AZ , but I find CPN very help full yes it is good to talk . open up to them I am sure they help you,

and they tell you what Option are available for care home for your husband age
At lest your know what option what Available , when you make up your mind xx

PS I’ve got a headache from hell bad cough and a husky voice, I could be getting the flu the stress has got me , so my immune system is down , that’s why I say try to find time out for yourself if you can that is


Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
Daisy, I suspect that if he was put in a position where someone else was his primary carer, they'd see that side of his personality (or rather the disease) pretty quickly. It's a bit like having a child who gives the parent grief, but is known to everyone else as a little charmer. As it stands, he feels more comfortable with you than anyone else, so you get the bad side. It's not right, it's not fair, it just IS.

Listen Daisy, no one, NO ONE, can force you to continue caring for him. Oh sure, they'll put obstacles in your way, and if you carry on coping, they'll let you cope, but if you put your foot down, they can't force you. Also, if you think he may be able to be on his good behaviour for an assessment (although a residential assessment would require him to behave propperly for a much longer period of time) you're going to have to resort to taping him. I know it sounds sneaky, but your well-being is as important as his.




Registered User
Feb 28, 2005
west mids
Hi Daisy,
I feel for you. I too hit that brick wall a couple of weeks ago. I sat and cried and cried through exhaustion and frustration.
WE are "copers" as well as carers and at some point your health and well being has to come first.The awareness that youve hit that point when you know you cant cope anymore is awful.
We all give selflessly our love,time, energy, patience and sometimes our sanity:) to the person that we once knew , but is no longer there.
Mums social worker has been my rock and support, I hope you get the support you need too.

Lots of love
Ally xx

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Daisy, Never mind your inlaws. They are not the ones doing the caring or coping with the abuse.

I`m at the end of my tether with my husband but am not having to put up with half the aggro you are.

In your shoes I think I would have called it a day long ago. I know he is ill. I know he probably can`t help it, but I know how much one person can be expected to cope with, and you are having well more than your share.

Let him be assessed, even if he has to be sectioned.

Please make the decision. Love Sylvia x


Registered User
Jan 30, 2007
South Buckinghamshire
Daisy, I do feel for you. Don't worry about the inlaws. In any case, couldn't they be doing a bit so that you can get away for a day at a time or something?

With regard to assessments/sectioning. Don't be afraid of that. When I told mum's social worker that we couldn't cope any longer, she said "oh, I suppose we could have her sectioned", as if to frighten me. It didn't and when I said "okay then", nothing else was said.

Perhaps you feel there is a stigma to sectioning. There isn't, that's just the way things work so that people get the attention they need.


Registered User
Mar 16, 2005
Dear Daisy,

You have been coping for a long time now and the situation with your in-laws makes it even harder for you. Your husband's aggression must be taking a huge toll on you - the threats, and trying to anticipate them, trying to avoid doing things to trigger them - it's all to no avail because there is usually no ryhme nor reason to when they happen. If it were just that, the situation would be hard enough, but all the other behaviours too are just impossible to try and continue with it on your own. I am not saying these things to frighten or bully you, but I watched my Mum going through this - Dad was only like it with her too and it took her so long to give in. I so admired her for her loyalty, yet I feared for her safety and health. I do hope you will ask for, and receive some help very soon.

Best wishes,



Registered User
Jul 1, 2005
I have a similar sernario...not with aggression but with hallucinations that are centred around me. Although my husband see's people in the house, he persecutes and stares at me as I am fraternising with some man he believes that I am sitting with on the settee. He follows me around asking why I'm touching this man etc. It has made my life an utter misery, no matter how much you try to ignore it. The trouble is as this is all centred around me, most other people do not see the problem as he presents well in most situations.
He is on emergency respite at the moment with the view to full time care as I'm at the end of my tether. A decision that I have found hard to make. Made harder by my stepsons who think I should look after him come what may. Inspite of the fact that they have done little to help in the last 14 years.
I thought the respite would help but if anything I'm more stressed. I do find it odd without him in the house, hardly been apart for 25 years. He keeps phoning me which has made it harder.
As full time care seemed inevitable I have made the decision to return to work as I am unable to support myself when he go's into care. This also was a hard decision having been at home over 4 years and being over 50 jobs are not that easy to get. But I have managed to get the job I wanted, however as he is on respite I'm waiting for SS to turn this into an assessment as at the moment he is due to come out 2 days before I start work...so I'm seriously stressed wondering what is going to happen as there is no way I can have him at home.
Unfortunately my excellent social worker has been off sick and I'm hoping she is back tomorrow as the others seem unable to deal with the case and keep saying don't worry...but I am..I have just over a week before I start work and no one seems to be listening to me at the moment.
I feel this nightmare will never end.


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hello Daisy

Lots of good advice, and I haven't anything to add. Just want to add my plea to look after yourself. Never mind the in-laws, you've done all you can, and you deserve a break.