Just need to talk...


Registered User
Mar 15, 2006
Got a call from Dads Nursing Home today saying he had turned blue whilst they were feeding him and was "non responsive" as they spoke to me...dashed over to the Hospital. Dad had "choked" whilst being fed (thickened diet) and had "aspirated" (not sure of the spelling)..he now has food in his lung which the hosp said will not clear and will cause pneumonia. They have asked us what to do if his heart stops...do we want them to resussitate due to his failing health. I discussed it with Mum (as much as I can due to her AD) and we decided that to ressucitate would be crueller than otherwise...feeling very scared and very sad.

My 2 sisters are still anti-me as they say I have killed Dad by getting him to hospital when he was seriously toxic with a UTI...

Feel very alone and very fed up with it all to be honest...

Sorry for moaning.



Registered User
Mar 18, 2006
Firstly, no need for apologies. This is a dreadful situation...the stuff of nightmares !!!

Your sisters seem to be being very cruel. Surely they know about your dad's situaltion now that he is in hospital. Can't they see that this is a time when you need each other (Take it from an only child, you NEED each other).

Not sure what else to say because I don't know any more details and the last thing in the world I want to do is cause you more upset by saying the wrong thing out of ignorance. My heart is with you...I cannot imagine what you are going through. Take care

Oh and you are VERY FAR from alone !!!!



Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
Hiya Marion,
So sorry that your dad is so unwell. It must have been so frightening for you tonight. You know that you have been there, and done all that you can to keep your dad well and comfortable. I cannot understand your sisters, but be assured that you have the love and support of your friends on TP - you are not alone.
Thinking of you and your parents.
With love, Amy


Registered User
May 24, 2006
Your sisters need a darn good shaking
How can they be so darn cruel to you when you did your best

For everyones sake it would probably be best if your Dad was allowed to peacefully slip away

Try to see your sisters for what they are and do not beat yourself up about it

Michael E

Registered User
Apr 14, 2005
Ronda Spain
Marion hi,

Just to say I think you are very brave. Such huge decisions and with your mum having AD you must feel dreadfully alone. Your right of course that there comes a point where the body and the will to live just gives up... Does not matter what the apparent cause is, the person and their body do not want to go on. When that happens it is certainly kinder and better to let nature take it's natural but sad course.

There seems, with close relations, to be a correlation between how closely involved they are and how critical they become.. If they have little involvement on a daily or hourly basis then they seem to 'know' everything and become highly critical. If they are close and truly involved then criticism does not exist... Interesting huh? If your dad had a UTI he had to go to hospital. Relations!!!!!



Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
Hi Maria

Just a line to offer my sympathies, not only for your Dad's situation, but also for your own!

As I expect the doctors have told you, pneumonia is often the last visitor in this 'long goodbye', and it's a relatively gentle one.
I think you would be right if you decide that resussitation would be very stressful for all concerned, mostly your Dad.
If he were able to regain consciousness, the poor man would have no idea what was going on, and that it was meant to be for his benefit.
It may do more harm than good, in my opinion.

And your sisters? If they were mine, I would be telling them to get stuffed. :mad:
Last edited:

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
Toronto, Canada
Aspiration pneumonia is a very common occurence with AD patients. And I think your decision regarding resuscitation is correct. We have signed "Do Not Resuscitate" papers on file at my mother's nursing home which will also apply to hospital.

Also, CPR performed on elderly patients can be very damaging itself. Ribs can easily broken. Would your sisters prefer to have your father in acute physical pain? They should inform themselves about the whole issue of end-of-life care. It's not an easy thing. But keeping someone alive regardless of the quality of life is a selfish thing to me. Better to let them "go gently into that good night".


Registered User
Mar 15, 2006
Hi. Just wanted to say thanks for all the supportive messages on this thread. Dad has gone through a few "moments" the last 24 hours but has rallied again!
I met up with my sister that lives in UK at the hospital and we are at least speaking again....thank goodness for small mercies..although how long it will last is anyones guess!

I am off to visit Dad this morning. I know he hasnt got long now but am grateful for a few more moments at his side to tell him how much I love him.

Thank you all once again..it makes such a huge difference to know people care and understand so much....even if we dont actually know each other....Human nature can be wonderful!




Registered User
Apr 30, 2006
Hi Maria I've only just seen your thread...
It's an awful decision to make about rescussitation....I had to make it with my dad.....I felt as if I was signing his death warrant when I said no...but I wanted to spare him any more pain and I know I did the right thing....
As for your sisters I echo what Lynne said,especially....tell em to get stuffed.....they're looking to blame anyone other than themselves ....I wonder if it makes them feel better....In the long run I doubt it!!
You've done the best for your dad....hold onto that!!!