1. Cloudwatcher

    Cloudwatcher Registered User

    Nov 2, 2007
    West Sussex
    OK a wee bit selfish but I need some TLC.

    I want to be here for everyone on TP but I just need to sneak a wee bit of TLC for me!

    I live in England and Mum is in Scotland, I am not her carer but I care. I'm going up tomorrow for a few days and, as usual I'm dreading it. don't get me wrong, I am dying to see her and the rest of my family, but I dread what I might encounter.

    Last time I went up she didn't know I was her daughter. When I was drying her hair she asked me "So are you going back home to your mother?"

    My Dad and sister are doing a fantastic job looking after my Mum and I appreciate this sooooo much. I sometimes feel very left out though.

    Does anyone relate to this?

    Lee x
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Lee.

    You can have all the TLC you need here. :)

    I understand your feeling of being left out, if you are so far away and care but are not the main carer. It cannot be helped and i`m sure none of your family hold it against you.

    Are you the only family member your mother does not recognize? if that is so, it makes it even harder for you.

    I hope you tell your father and sister how you feel. If you don`t tell them, they won`t know.

    I hope you manage to get some recognition from your mother, but if not, just remember it isn`t her fault. If she had ever thought a day would come when she would not recognize you, she would have been heartbroken.

    Have a safe journey.

    Love xx
  3. Cloudwatcher

    Cloudwatcher Registered User

    Nov 2, 2007
    West Sussex
    Thank you Sylvia for your reply.

    So far I think I am the only one Mum hasn't recognized, which is understandable as I am not there as much.

    I appreciate that it is the illness, but it is still hard and I hate it so much

    We look at photos together and she can't understand how I know when and where they were taken. She always looks so perplexed when I say that was such and such.

    Fortunately my dad and sister are fantastic and put no pressure on me.

    I miss my Mum.

    Lee x
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Lee, my husband is surprised that I know the addresses of all the houses he has lived in and all the makes of the cars he has had. It does not register with him that I was there.

    I`m sure you miss your mother. What can you do? Only make the most of the mother you still have.

    Love xx
  5. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    Hope you have a good journey and remember its not your mums fault its the illness.
    you are great going all that way to spend some time with her it shows that you care.
    I help my dad with my stepmum, she has 2 sons that never come near and they only live a mile away the last time they came was christmas and couldn't get out of the door quick enough, I am expecting them to come on sunday for mothers day but it will be 10 min visit if they bother to come. it makes me so mad.
    enjoy your visit
  6. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    leigh lancashire
    When dad had is mmse he excluded one of his sons,when asked how many children have you got and what are their names,he said that one of his sons names was his brothers name. no!he,before he died still didn't recognise my brother.its hard,but at the end of the day we can't be there all the time and can't beat ourselves up about it.the course of the disease dictates the recognition not the sufferrer.love and the best elainex
  7. Sparrow

    Sparrow Registered User

    Mar 16, 2006
    Teignbridge, Devon
    Hi Lee,

    Can't imagine how difficult it must be for you. Am thinking of you and wishing you a peaceful and rewarding trip back home to see Mum. Just an idea: If your Mum still looks at photo's, might it be possible for you to share photo's of yourself from childhood to adulthood. It may just help your Mum to make a connection. I've never tried this and don't know that it will work but it might be worth a try.

    Have a safe journey.


    These hugs are for you.:)
  8. JRB4040

    JRB4040 Registered User

    Feb 21, 2008
    Croxley Green, Herts
    Like you I live a long way from my mum and don't get to see her anywhere as often as I would like. My mum hasn't got to the stage where she doesn't recognise people yet but I know that day will come and am dreading it. When you don't see your mum very often you notice the deterioration far more and it can sometimes be quite shocking. Hang on in there, have a safe journey and should you need more TLC when you get back just shout! Julie x
  9. Loris

    Loris Registered User

    Jan 30, 2008
    Hi Lee,
    Just to let you know that we are all in this together and we are all there for you.
    I hope that you have a safe journey and the time that you spend with mum ia a pleasant one.
    There is plenty more T.L.C. should you need it.
    My thoughts are with you
  10. Carolynlott

    Carolynlott Registered User

    Jan 1, 2007
    Newcastle upon Tyne
    Hi Lee,
    My Dad stopped recognising me quite a long time ago - way before he went into his care home. I am his only child. He knew I was someone familiar, and I saw him a couple of time a week. He seemed to always think I was one of his grandchildren - he would ask me how college was, or how my cricket was going. He would always refer to me as "he" - or "this fellow" (I am female). At the beginning I would point it out - "I am not Matthew, I'm your daughter, I don't play cricket" - and he would be very sorry, but a few minutes later we were back to sqaure one.
    Now he is in a home I don't think he has a clue who I am, although again he usually thinks I am someone he knows. He is better with my husband, and usually calls him by his name. He can sometimes ask how the children are (I think - great he knows me) - and then he will ask if I have seen Carolyn (i.e. me) anywhere. Obviously some breakdown in the mechanism between what he sees and how his brain interprets it. I sometimes wonder whether there is any point in visiting at all, but on good days I suppose he is glad to chat to anyone, even if he doesn't have a clue who they are.
    Hope your visit goes well.
  11. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Hi Carolyn, how sad to feel:
    I just think we never really know what our loved ones feel/recognise inside. However, we know who they are, which makes it more important to visit, in my eyes anyway.
    Just an observation.
  12. Lotti

    Lotti Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    Hello Lee,
    Yes I relate to this very well. My mum went into her care home for respite three months ago as my dad was having a lot of health problems of his own and I have my own family circumstances so could not look after her myself. I visit mum nearly every day and wash her hair every week and every week she asks me if I have many clients ??? Do I see much of my mum ??? I usually go along with her. Sometimes she does recognise me and knows my name but I do not think she knows I am her daughter, just someone who goes to visit her and she likes (most times). It is hard especially when she thinks I have gone to take her home!
    I hope your visit goes well.

  13. Carolynlott

    Carolynlott Registered User

    Jan 1, 2007
    Newcastle upon Tyne
    Thanks. I know I must visit and I (hope) I always will. But when he doesn't know me and doesn't seem bothered whether I am there or not, and when whatever I say seems to make him angry - how do I cope? What do you do when you visit someone and they don't register that you are there? It's fine when my Dad is just sitting in a chair. I will just sit with him and hold his hand and just talk. Even then he thinks it is someone else talking to him and he will look at the poor soul in the chair next to him, but that's OK. But when he is in "wander" mode and trying to solve some problem or escape, I don't know what to do.
    What do other people do with their loved ones when they visit? At my Dad's care home there is nowhere to sit in his room apart from his bed. I think they discourage residents spending time in their rooms because it is easier to keep an eye on them in the lounge. My Dad has a TV in his room and he used to spend all day at home watching TV. But he can't turn it on, and there is no chair. I asked him if he'd like to watch it and he says no. I just don't know. I am so new to this - I don't know what to do for him when I see him. My husband and I are the only ones who ever visit. The staff ask me to take him out but he can't walk far and I don't have a wheelchair. The weather has been so bad here he would hate the cold and the wind and he has no shoes.
    I'm so sorry - this is someone else's thread and I have just gone on and on. I dread the visiting because I don't know what to do and it is so frightening.
  14. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    Wigan, Lancs

    I have come to realise that even though my Dad sees me a few times a week, and knows that he knows me, he doesn't really know I am his daughter. I can't remember the last time he called me by my name.

    A few weeks ago he and my Mum came to my house and he asked me 'Who used to live here?' Just me. he went on to say that he remembered coming here quite often and how strange it felt being here after 'so long'. So long being just before Christmas.

    Two weeks ago my sister called him and he asked 'How's your father?' She was tempted to say 'well clearly not great:rolleyes:', but realised he was asking about her husband who has a bad back.

    Last week I called him Dad and he asked me why I was calling him Dad?

    What I am trying to say in a roundabout way is that the inability to place family members in the right context is not necessarily down to how often you see them. My other sister lives in Athens and there is no difference between how my Dad sees her and how he sees me.

    I hope you enjoy your visit with your Mum.
  15. Cloudwatcher

    Cloudwatcher Registered User

    Nov 2, 2007
    West Sussex
    Dear All,

    Thank you so much for all your heart warming replies. It is such a haven here!

    My visit to Mum over the last few days has been a good one. No recognition issues :)

    My Mum and Dad have recently moved in with my Sister, Brother-in-law and Daughters. I have been very concerned about how Mum would settle and if the arrangement would be ok for everyone. So far it has been good and Mum has settled very well.

    When I was there, myself, Sis and Dad discussed some difficult issue, i.e the future. I told them how left out I felt and that I wanted to do more to help, from a distance.

    It was good timing, as when I was up my Mum had an appointment with her GP for an annual assessment and I went along with Mum and Dad. I feel very relieved as Mum's GP is fantastic. He talked to and listened to Mum with amazing patience and I have great confidence in him for the future.

    I have now been given the task of investigating whither Sis can get a grant from the council for converting there garage in to accommodation for Mum and Dad, so I feel like I am doing something worthwhile, although probably futile!!

    Only bad thing in new house for Mum is lots of mirrored wardrobes everywhere, which is causing her alot of confusion!

    Thanks again all for your support and care.

    PS Carolyn, this is everyone's thread so no need to apologise. Wish I could say something to help. Feel free to go on and on whenever you like.

    Lee x

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