Just need a bit of understanding.

[LittleL]

Hi all,
I'm new here so I'm not quite sure where to begin. My dear mum hasn't actually been diagnosed with dementia but I've noticed big big changes in her personality over the past year . she suffered apparently a very mild stroke ( if there is such a thing ) last Christmas whilst she was ill. I really thought she was going to die. Since then her memory has become extremely bad and she seems to forget the most simplest of things ( her grandchildrens birthdays that were marked on the calender ) . She doesn't seem to remember what I tell her her just minutes later! I really feel that I have lost the mother I once had and I'm finding it hard to come to terms with this. I used to ring her nearly everyday but find that now it's maybe once a week. We don't actually have conversations anymore and I come away from visiting her feeling very very sad. I haven't spoken to her about this because it's just too painful but I don't know what to do.
I know that what I'm experiencing is nothing compared to everybody else on here and I really feel for you all. I suppose the difficulty I have is that I no longer seem to have the mother I once had and I just don't have anybody to talk to about it. Sorry to go on.
Thanks to anybody who has read this.

 

[Lila13]

Have you tried talking to doctors and Social Services?

Does she already have carers at home?

Lila

 

[jenniferpa]

Hi there.

I think you're probably right - a stroke is the most likely cause of your Mother's problems. This is what happend to my mother, so I know exactly what you mean. It's like the person who was there has gone, and conversations, particularly phone conversations, are almost impossible. The person I call my mother is no longer my mother, and I have experienced a massive role reversal, along with a great deal of grieving. It may not suit your way of thinking, but I have tried to look at this as a way of letting go - when mummy does die (she's 89) it will be less of a shock than it would be otherwise. Does your mother live alone? Does she have any other health issues? Short term memory loss can cause massive ramifications: medication is forgotten, meals are forgotten, stoves are left on. It doesn't seem as major as AD, but it can make living alone almost impossible, and totally unsafe.

Jennifer

 

[LittleL]

Thanks for your replies.
My mother has just turned 77 and until recently I'd never viewed her as such! I think it's that realization that she is old and that these things will indeed happen. She has type 2 diabetes and is on lots of different medication which she forgot at Christmas time and I think this is the reason for the stroke ( I think it was referred to as a TIA ). She lives on her own but in sheltered accommodation. There is no warden but she does have Lifeline. Unfortunately it is a 45 minute journey to her and I have 2 small children so I am extremely limited in what I can do for her. She doesn't have a carer but could probably do with one. I just don't know where to begin.

LittleL.

 

[Lila13]

You could phone and/or write to doctors and social services and tell them you think she needs a carer.

Of course she might reject whatever help is on offer but at least it's worth trying.

Lila

 

[LittleL]

Thanks Lila.
I will certainly see if Social Services are able to help in some way as I'm pretty certain that she is in need of a carer. She is so independant though so I may have some persuading to do!
LittleL.

 

[Lila13]

I found I phoned my mother more often when her memory got worse, partly because if I didn't phone her she'd phone me, or the police. She phoned the police about my brother too, "it's getting dark and my little boy hasn't got home from work yet"--"how old is your little boy?"--"61" (I suppose the police get used to it.)

 

[jenniferpa]

I think the medication is a big issue - I'm 85% convinced that if my Mother had been taking her meds after her first stroke, she wouldn't have had the 2nd and 3rd, which really did the damage. Until I moved her into an extra sheltered housing situation, where carers are available all the time, I arranged to get her meds packaged by Boots in monthly doset containers. If I had had a heads up before the last 2 strokes, I would have done that before - at that point, although she wasn't able to rememeber what day it was, she was sufficiently together to check what the day was, but not any more. Of course diabetes requires much more intervention. I would strongly suggest trying to arrange carers to come in, at least to make sure the meds are taken.

Jennifer

 

[Tender Face]

LittleL, please don't compare and belittle what you are going through.... (although I confess I've often thought 'what have I got to moan about when you read such-and-such....). We're all of us going through torment (that was the polite way of putting it) and here to offer understanding to each other ... you have lots of lovely, supportive people to talk to now......

I've been applying the 'avoidance' tactic the last couple of weeks with my own mum .... as long as I've known her 'basic care' is in order I just haven't had the emotional reserves or whatever they are that I've been lacking to sit and listen to a one-way conversation..... ("Mum, I've got some good news to tell you...." "Yes, hasn't it been windy today?" just gets to me after a point......)

You are suffering a form of 'loss' and you need time for yourself to adjust, find your coping mechanisms and move forward....

On a practical level, how much is mum's GP aware of the current situation? You need to start rallying support for both of you.....

Keep posting....

Love, Karen ,x