just lost my mum

Angel18

Registered User
Sep 28, 2012
38
0
I've just lost my lovely mum

Hello to everyone and please accept my condolences to everyone who has lost a loved one.

My lovely mum has just passed away in October and I feel so lost ,heartbroken and isolated, and coming on to this site and reading all the comments I feel like we are all kindred spirits and it is reassuring in a way to know I am not the only person feeling this way.

My mum has been a big, important and wonderful part of my life for ever and particularly since my father died suddenly in 1983, we were like two bookends. Over the years my mum became very frail and following a fall she broke her hip and went to live in a Nursing Home near to where I live. I visited my mum four times a week, mum had suffered from vascular dementia, she did not always recognise me as her daughter, sometimes she thought I was her sister, but that was fine, whatever made her happy, I went along with. Over the past couple of years my mum's health gradually got worse in September, she was very chesty and she was eating very little, I tried to encourage and help mum to eat but she was too tired and weak to eat much. The Nursing Home rang me in the early hours of the morning in October to say mum had passed away, it seemed to happen so quickly I could not believe she had passed away, you are never prepared. Mum's passing has left a massive void in my life, I feel like a lost soul now. Unfortunately, my husband and I weren't blessed with children, but he has always been very supportive regarding my mum, but he is struggling to console me now, he just does not know what to say, it is hard for him too.

At the moment I just don't know what to do with myself, I don't seem to have a routine any more and like Digilux 108 said in her excellent posting looking after her mum gave her a sense of purpose, I agree totally, now I feel I've lost my purpose and I just don't know what direction to go in now as my thoughts are all over the place at the moment, I am just hoping and praying that in time my feelings will be less raw and that I will be able to find something to help fill the void in my life.

Take care everyone and thank you for reading the post.
 

webby123

Registered User
Mar 14, 2016
181
0
first of all thanks for posting on here angel 18 and digilux 108 and im so sorry to hear about your losses,its just over 8 months since i lost mum it dosnt feel 8 mins i still miss her so much, me and her had a special bond,like you angel 18 i lost my dad in 1983 very suddenly so i guess that made me very protective of mum,i try to keep myself very busy, i know i take to much on ,at the moment i cycle quite a bit i really want to do lands end to john o groats for my lovely day centre which is family run so im getting fit for that,also at home im having a log burner put in,plus im connected to the local music scene so it keeps me busy ,having said that i think about her all the time and miss mum so much,i feel like im living in a different world one i dont really like,
working on a music project with my brother has really helped,music has always been a big part of this family my mum and dad were musicians,i still find it hard to trust sister in law as she caused a lot of problems when i was caring for mum,and i guess i resent her having mums money and spending it on new cars etc when she was very unhelpful to mum and me but im not going to let that get to me,i have used my money mum left to me to buy brother out of his half of the house so i totally own it outright,wether i stay here in the long run im not sure i loved my time with my devon family they have always supported me,im not going to make any rash desisions
day to day it is a struggle i spend most evenings here on my own and go for days sometime to i talk to someone,one thing i have learnt is people do care sometimes they dont say anything to you but when you meet them when your out somewhere they genuine care for you have experienced it recently,im comforted everywhere i go i see a owl mum loved them im sure its her way of saying she is watching over me
 

Angel18

Registered User
Sep 28, 2012
38
0
Hello Webby

Thank you for your reply you have undoubtedly been a wonderful son to your mother and you should be proud of yourself.

Well done on trying to keep busy, I think distraction can help focus our thoughts away from our terrible loss, hark at me, great at giving advice but not so good at taking it at the moment!

Good luck with your cycling and for what you are doing for the Day Care Centre. Lovely that you got a sign from your mum re the Owl. A couple of weeks ago when my lovely mum was being buried my friend noticed a white feather near to her coffin, I picked the feather up and took it home, I hope and feel that was a sign from my mum, we have always believed in Angels.

It's not easy is it.

Take care.
 

webby123

Registered User
Mar 14, 2016
181
0
no its not easy at all to be honest i feel it wont be for me again,im trying my best as i know mum wouldnt want me to be like this but its so hard
 

webby123

Registered User
Mar 14, 2016
181
0
im really struggling at the moment,i think it makes it worst that christmas is on its way it was always a specail time for me and mum ,we use to go to the cathedral which had lots of trees on display ,going to carols in the park and driving around the cotswolds,this year i just cant face it,i have had a offer from my brother,cousins and few friends to spend christmas with them but i just want to be on my own i dont wanna celebrate it ,not sure what i will do might take the bike and just go off,or might stay in bed all day :(
 

Soobee

Registered User
Aug 22, 2009
2,731
0
South
When I talked to a lady from Cruse (Bereavement charity), she suggested that for the difficult times like Christmas I might like to create new traditions that incorporated something to remember my parents by. I don't know if that's of any help to you.

At Christmas I have a small swig of brandy and drink to my dad - I don't like brandy much but it certainly reminds me of him as he loved it! After I've acknowledged him I find the rest of the time a little easier.

Based on what you've said about driving around the Cotswolds, perhaps your new tradition might be to go on a particular bike ride or drive to remember your mum and do the same route every year. It depends what sort of thing 'works' for you. Staying in bed all day is an option that might work well too! x
 

webby123

Registered User
Mar 14, 2016
181
0
thanks for that soobee im going to have a think see what i can come up with
can i ask you if cruse worked for you ,as im toying with giving them a ring
 

Soobee

Registered User
Aug 22, 2009
2,731
0
South
Yes, it worked for me in terms of helping me grieve for dad. I only talked to someone a couple of times. Although I wish they could have talked to mum as well, but they didn't have the skills to talk to someone with dementia.

I didn't think I needed them when mum died, but it came out when I went for CBT (the therapy not the bike test!) that I hadn't dealt with my grief for her, just deferred it.

Grief is a very individual and complicated thing. There is no right or wrong way and it is sometimes overwhelming and other times just low level sadness. There are so many emotions involved. Don't feel bad about asking for help to give you the tools you need to get through it.
 

Claire1

Registered User
Nov 21, 2016
1
0
I feel your pain Webby123

Oh webby123 I feel your pain. I also lost my mum to altzeimers a week ago. Yes I am still in shock and struggling to work out what to do with myself.
Mum was diagnosed in 2012 with moderate altzeimers. I helpd care for her at home with my dad, my brother and sister but she deteriorated so quickly since June this year we had to make the heartbreaking decision to place her on a care home in September. Although the staff were amazing and i knew it was normal reaction to think that we could do it better. I saw her everyday but she deterioted so quickly and wondered if we did the right thing. No one could believe we cared for her at home for as long as we did and that brings some comfort to know we did all we could for her. Mum got a very bad salivary gland infection from not drinking and was taking to hospital for that and dehydration. She returned to the care home on the Tuesday and the decline in her was devasting, she passed peacefully on Saturday 12th November at 11.40pm with all her family around her.
I know it's going to take a while to accept and grieve but I feel such heartache and sadness that I am not sure what to do with myself. It's mums funeral on Friday and I can find a reading or write anything that I feel says what I want to say other than I miss you mummy xxx
 

webby123

Registered User
Mar 14, 2016
181
0
o im so sorry claire to hear that,as one visitor on a hospital ward said i know your mums 88 but we want them to live to 188,you did your best claire thats the main thing thats all you can do,im sure the words will come to you claire will be thinking of you on friday
im having a break this weekend staying in somerset in hotel and spa ,im going to vist my auntie ,treat her to a meal and take her xmas presents,also going to catch up with a few friends
next year i have decided to go abroad in jan with my cousin i stayed with cornwall few monthes ago,the truth is i have never been abroad think its about time i did,we are off to canary islands,im not looking forward to christmas at all it was always special to me and mum,its going to be hard but everyday is,i have something to look forward to,next year
 

SadScot

Registered User
Jun 28, 2016
23
0
Oh webby123 I feel your pain. I also lost my mum to altzeimers a week ago. Yes I am still in shock and struggling to work out what to do with myself.
Mum was diagnosed in 2012 with moderate altzeimers. I helpd care for her at home with my dad, my brother and sister but she deteriorated so quickly since June this year we had to make the heartbreaking decision to place her on a care home in September. Although the staff were amazing and i knew it was normal reaction to think that we could do it better. I saw her everyday but she deterioted so quickly and wondered if we did the right thing. No one could believe we cared for her at home for as long as we did and that brings some comfort to know we did all we could for her. Mum got a very bad salivary gland infection from not drinking and was taking to hospital for that and dehydration. She returned to the care home on the Tuesday and the decline in her was devasting, she passed peacefully on Saturday 12th November at 11.40pm with all her family around her.
I know it's going to take a while to accept and grieve but I feel such heartache and sadness that I am not sure what to do with myself. It's mums funeral on Friday and I can find a reading or write anything that I feel says what I want to say other than I miss you mummy xxx

Claire1 I am so sorry for your loss. My dad died on 14th November. Even writing that feels unreal and makes me cry. I too feel overwhelmed with sadness and don't know what to do with myself. Sending you love and hugs x
 

SadScot

Registered User
Jun 28, 2016
23
0
o im so sorry claire to hear that,as one visitor on a hospital ward said i know your mums 88 but we want them to live to 188,you did your best claire thats the main thing thats all you can do,im sure the words will come to you claire will be thinking of you on friday
im having a break this weekend staying in somerset in hotel and spa ,im going to vist my auntie ,treat her to a meal and take her xmas presents,also going to catch up with a few friends
next year i have decided to go abroad in jan with my cousin i stayed with cornwall few monthes ago,the truth is i have never been abroad think its about time i did,we are off to canary islands,im not looking forward to christmas at all it was always special to me and mum,its going to be hard but everyday is,i have something to look forward to,next year
Wishing you strength for Christmas x
 

webby123

Registered User
Mar 14, 2016
181
0
sorry to hear that scot,yes im still feel overwelmed and it feels very surreal its like you suddenley been put into this new world,i dont feel i will ever get used to it,i just have to do the best i can
 

jorgieporgie

Registered User
Mar 2, 2016
1,982
0
YORKSHIRE
Hi Webby glad your thinking about next year and going away. I lost Mum three weeks ago and like you can not imagine life without her and the first hols will be the worst xmas, birthdays etc.
We will all cope because we have to, life will be different but I know Mum is with me all the time and one day I will be reunited with her, and the same goes for you.
Keep getting out and about I intend to and planning a holiday for February. Take care xx
 

webby123

Registered User
Mar 14, 2016
181
0
Sorry to hear that jorgie,yes its good to have something to look forward to like a holiday,yes i feel mum with me all the time and they would want us to live our lifes x
 

webby123

Registered User
Mar 14, 2016
181
0
im still dreading christmas,i have bought some presents for family and found some christmas cards with owls on them,mum loved owls,i have made my mind up to stay here over christmas,christmas day i will take a wreath up and a special card apart from that nothing much that day,maybe a bike ride in cotswolds depending on weather over the christmas period ,also a guy who has been so good to me and i didnt exspect it as i havnt known him long as decided to have a get together over the christmas period for us single guys,talking of single i did go on a date with a lovley lady last week we chatted for ages,but i have decided not to pursue at the moment as im not always good company at the moment
i did get away last weekend to meet family members was nice catching up,talking of getting away i have never been abroad well im going to lanzerotti in jan with my cousin,
 

Dazmum

Registered User
Jul 10, 2011
10,322
0
Horsham, West Sussex
But you always get back up again Webby, and although it hasn't been long since you've lost your lovely mum, you've come such a long way in doing things since then. I really admire that, and I bet your mum would want that for you too. Xxx