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just had row with dad - feel very mis

BJS

Registered User
Feb 10, 2017
75
Hi I don't live with my dad (250 miles away) but visit regularly and run as much as I can from a distance. He is 94, virtually blind, has mixed dementia and is chair-bound. I usually cope but today I snapped. I rang up just for a little chat to see how he is - nothing new there. But he launched into a diatribe about how he was imprisoned and the carers wouldn't let him open the door and he could go to law to get his rights back. He has 6 carers, with very few breaks in the day when he is alone but when they aren't there I ask for the doors to be shut and key removed. He wants to sit at the open door to get the sun. I've said, that would be OK but there would need to be a carer there all the time, which he says is unnecessary. He went on and on until I said fine, do what you like, I've had enough. He is going through one of his rare less demented phases so his old obstinate dictatorial character is surfacing. I have H&W POA so if he does go out and falls or if he lets someone into the house (which happened a few years ago and he was robbed), will that be my fault for not caring for him? He hauls himself into a wheelchair and drags himself around when there isn't anyone there. The house is not wheelchair accessible so to get onto the patio he would have to get out and use the handrail. It would be a massive risk (which has been emphasised by his SW, OT and GP) but he says there are risks everywhere to everyone. But if I hurt myself, that doesn't affect others. If he does, and ends up in hospital, all sorts of drama and repercussion will ensue. I am so cross and fed up and really cross with myself for reacting. :mad:
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,035
Scotland
Absolutely understand you. You care. You want the best for him but sometimes the struggle just overwhelms you and you say what most of us do "Right, do what you want". Of course we all know that's not possible but the burden of being the decision maker all the time is wearing.

I think you just swallow your pride and say sorry Dad but I have to take care of you just as you once took care of me.
 

BJS

Registered User
Feb 10, 2017
75
Absolutely understand you. You care. You want the best for him but sometimes the struggle just overwhelms you and you say what most of us do "Right, do what you want". Of course we all know that's not possible but the burden of being the decision maker all the time is wearing.

I think you just swallow your pride and say sorry Dad but I have to take care of you just as you once took care of me.
the irony is that he never took care of me (my mum did everything) or anyone else - even after my mum had a stroke and had cancer, he didn't take care of her. He certainly never took care of his own aged parent.
I'll probably feel different tomorrow but at the moment ......
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,906
London
I'm sure I don't have to tell you that arguing with a PWD is pointless. We all snap now and then so just forgive yourself. And while I understand you wanting him safe, I have a slight problem with you locking him in like that without anyone else present. What if there was a fire - how would he get out? In a care home he wouldn't be able to leave by himself either, but there are staff about at all times to make sure he's ok. If you think he needs constant supervision then it ought to be provided via Social Services, with more carers, a day centre or a care home. Of course there are risks if he goes outside, but equally there are risks if he falls inside trying to open a door or window, desperate to get out.
 

BJS

Registered User
Feb 10, 2017
75
I'm sure I don't have to tell you that arguing with a PWD is pointless. We all snap now and then so just forgive yourself. And while I understand you wanting him safe, I have a slight problem with you locking him in like that without anyone else present. What if there was a fire - how would he get out? In a care home he wouldn't be able to leave by himself either, but there are staff about at all times to make sure he's ok. If you think he needs constant supervision then it ought to be provided via Social Services, with more carers, a day centre or a care home. Of course there are risks if he goes outside, but equally there are risks if he falls inside trying to open a door or window, desperate to get out.
SS provide nothing. His care bill is astronomical (not that he knows that, I try not to worry him about money) and he is extremely resistant to any more care. It's been an uphill battle to get him to accept the care we now have in place. I suggested a day care centre to him - you'd have thought I was offering to put him in a kennel and feed him dog food. He is (was) an extremely intelligent, well read man but he thinks everyone else is stupid and has no taste. He would not take part in activities unless they provided a string quartet! He is used to 1 to 1 care and I think a care home (which would be my preference) would finish him off. Even if the key was in the door, he wouldn't be able to get out as he wouldn't know it was there. I have sleepless nights thinking of the hour or so he is unattended but feel utterly defeated by dealing with it in the face of such opposition
 

Rosnpton

Registered User
Mar 19, 2017
394
Northants
Hi
This is the place to rant and let off steam. Your dad may just have been having a down day, and as showing less signs of dementia at that point,was more hurtful then normal to you. You can only do the best you can for him,and know if something happens it will happen. Even with every safe guard in place, unless someone is following him around 24 hrs. a day things may happen. How often do you normally talk to him? Could you maybe leave it an extra day and then call as if the previous conversation hadn't happened ? He may well have actually forgotten it by then any ways.
Thinking g if you
Ros
.
SS provide nothing. His care bill is astronomical (not that he knows that, I try not to worry him about money) and he is extremely resistant to any more care. It's been an uphill battle to get him to accept the care we now have in place. I suggested a day care centre to him - you'd have thought I was offering to put him in a kennel and feed him dog food. He is (was) an extremely intelligent, well read man but he thinks everyone else is stupid and has no taste. He would not take part in activities unless they provided a string quartet! He is used to 1 to 1 care and I think a care home (which would be my preference) would finish him off. Even if the key was in the door, he wouldn't be able to get out as he wouldn't know it was there. I have sleepless nights thinking of the hour or so he is unattended but feel utterly defeated by dealing with it in the face of such opposition
 

Gwendy1

Registered User
Feb 9, 2016
414
Glasgow
I remember when my dad was still at home, we had 24hr Carers and daily family visits...huge bills, as you say, enormous stress and sadly the arrangement still didn't work out. Dad resented the carers living with him. He was so confused and disorientated he would try to go out at 3am etc continually-he was mobile. At other times, he was so lucid and his usual witty, well-spoken self...We reached a crisis point. Dad trying to 'escape' through windows etc. Dad announced he wanted to go into a care home-he'd previously refused to go to day care too (said he wasn't 'demented'-his words). With hindsight, dad was so much more advanced in his illness than we recognised at that time. The crisis meant that social services had to get involved, and dad moved into a care home. That time he was at home was the most awful time of my life, unbelievably stressful. I can only advise you contact social work again, discuss your increasing concerns. This isn't much use, so sorry. Your post reminded me so much of my dad 2years ago. He 'settled' in the home. His illness has deteriorated at an alarming rate, and he needs total care now. Thinking about you. X


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Gwendy1

Registered User
Feb 9, 2016
414
Glasgow
Thank you all. Feel less cross now but v sad
Feel sad for you. [emoji17]Please try social services again- sometimes we can't see the wood for the trees when we're right in the middle of it all. There's no easy answers with this, I'm afraid. We can only do our best. So difficult. X


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