Just Had A Telephone Call From Mum m

[danish]

My mum is 87 and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's two years ago, my brother passed away nearly nine years ago and so I am left as the only child looking after mum. Everyone tells me that I will know when the time is right for mum to go into residential care, and that light bulb moment happened on Tuesday of this week and I have now found a place where I feel mum will be well cared for, but my feelings of guilt and the sense of drowing in a sea of dark grey gunge leaves me totally overwhelmed.
On Tuesday mum announced that she had seen her mum and asked me how long she was staying for??
Mum has just called me, the first time in three years worried that she hasn't heard from me (I called her at 8am) and is wondering when her mum who apparently is staying with me is going to see her......
I would normally jump in the car and go and see her, but tonight for the first time in almost a year we are going out to a dinner dance and my hairdresser is due to arrrive shortly. And I think my husband would have a fit if I put mum first, again!
Not sure what to do, a carer will be with mum again at 2:45 for a couple of hours but then what
Not sure either how I get mum to the residential care home either, the other complication is that she has a six year old dog, whom she thinks is her daughter.
Can't sleep, can't think what and how do I do this
Can anyone suggest what can be done - thank you
This is my first post so not sure if I have correctly linked this but as you can probably tell I am not coping very well

 

[Izzy]

Good morning Danish and welcome to TP.

I'm so sorry that things are so difficult just now. I have no experience of having someone move into a care home but many people on the forum do. I'm sure someone will be along with some advice for you.

I know you will get lots of help and support on the forum and am glad you've found it.

Take care.

Izzy

 

[lizzybean]

Hi & welcome to TP. You will find lots of help & support here. I have no personal experience of the situation you are in at present but someone will be along later I'm sure.

 

[curtainsgalore]

I had to put my lovely Mum in a care home 9 months ago, In my heart I knew the time had come when police helicopters searched for her in freezing weather that Mum couldn't live alone anymore.
I believe if you are self funding you can just arrange with the home when you could move your Mother in and take it from there. I just took a small hold-all of what Mum would need for a few days, saying that it was just short term, but my Mum had no idea of time etc. The care home staff are experienced in settling people in and I took Mum in about an hour before lunch. I put a few pictures of our family on her walls and her toiletries in her bathroom and her clothes in her draws and then the staff came and took her off to lunch. I stayed strong and kissed and waved her off with a smile, then cried and cried in the car in the car park where she couldn't see me. Leaving her with happy emotions.
Mum too had a dog of 6 years old who she had walked up to 15 times a day because she couldn't remember having walked her.
Unfortunately my alcoholic dad had beaten the dog so she had to go to Wood Green to be rehomed as I she used to snap at people.
Good luck. It's dreadful doing this but if you are happy with the home you have chosen I think you have made a good start.

 

[Bessieb]

Hi Danish

I can completely empathise with you feeling overwhelmed. I've found the only way to deal with it is to tackle one thing at a time and not try to do everything at once.
Once your Mum is in the CH you will know she is looked after and have some more headspace to deal with other practical issues re. possessions, the dog etc. It's such a daunting thing the move but I think you just have to tell your Mum whatever you need to to get her there as happily as possible. I re-read the 'compassionate communication' thread on this site a little while ago and there is a sentence in there about it being our job to reduce anxiety and agitation for them as much as possible and I try to remember this however stressed I'm feeling. If you need to tell her it's temporary or you are just going for the weekend or it's a holiday ...I personally think that's fine if it helps her (and you) move to the safe, caring environment without too much upset.
The move day will be difficult and exhausting but you will get through it and it does sound like it is for the best.

 

[Witzend]

Re getting someone to a care home, what some people do is to say the doctor wants them to go there 'for a while' while she builds her strength up, or while they sort her medication out, or anything else that fits the circumstances. Many people will accept it more easily if it's 'what the doctor says' (whether he/she has or not). There is absolutely no need to tell the person it's for good - if their short term memory is already very bad they will more than likely forget whatever you say very quickly anyway.

When we moved my mother, we were asked to arrive for lunch, and we all sat down together. This seems to be a common strategy and in our case it worked well.