Just don't know what to do

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Tubbsy, Sep 5, 2015.

  1. Tubbsy

    Tubbsy Registered User

    Sep 5, 2010
    #1 Tubbsy, Sep 5, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2015
    So as per my earlier post, I went to my mum's today and managed to get her to sign the PoA papers, though it seems now that it was a total waste of time and effort. But this post is not about that....

    When I arrived, she was wearing a filthy pair of shorts and immediately announced 'I have no pants'. I went to her underwear drawer where I found mostly soiled pants and told her to put some trousers on as it was cold. She was confused about which item of clothing went on when and when she gave me her shorts, they were soiled too. Later, whilst making a cup of tea for her friend and my brother, I found the milk to be 8 days out of date, smelling foul and almost solid. She questioned about the lack of milk in the tea and got really angry when I said it was out of date. There followed a physical tussle between her and my brother over the bottle of milk. Her friend said 'don't drink it please, it will make you sick' at which point she stood resolute and started drinking it from the bottle.

    I now really don't care whether we get PoA or not, I just want someone to step in. My brother is on the verge of a breakdown and I have chronic gastritis caused by stress. If I tell social services about the milk incident, what can they do? Bearing in mind, they phoned her yesterday and asked if she needed/wanted help, to which she replied she was fine and would never want help (and was obviously quite rude).

    I should add that my brother suffers from depression and has taken to not responding to anything I say about mum's state, other than to say he does what he can, which is entirely true but it's just not enough anymore.
  2. dora

    dora Registered User

    Aug 1, 2007
    Hi Tubbsy

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. We had the same with my MIL ie total denial, although we managed to get help before our health suffered.

    I suggest you phone SS 24/7 emergency line and say she is a "vulnerable adult" and they have a "duty of care".
    Explain that her current supporters, you and your brother, can no longer cope.
    Have a list of her problems eg hygeine, eating bad food. Does she wash, wear clean clothes, eat properly? Can she shop? Is she able to cook safely? Does she know what day or time it is? Is she taking any necessary medicines reliably?
    Realistically, the only way to get care for her may be to have her "sectioned" under the Mental Health Act if they feel she is a danger to herself or others. However, they will normally try using carers first, even if she refuses. This is what happened with my MIL.

    I hope you manage to get help soon.

  3. rhubarbtree

    rhubarbtree Registered User

    Jan 7, 2015
    North West
    Just showing some solidarity here. Afraid I have no answers only sympathy. Hope someone else will come on and help you get support.
  4. Tubbsy

    Tubbsy Registered User

    Sep 5, 2010
    Thank you Dora. I have had 3 very long conversations with SS this week where they have asked me all those questions and if the situation is urgent which I said it was. I think that's why they were quick to phone her but things are stalled because of her response. I was thinking that the 'milk incident' would show she's a danger to herself so they will have to do something more. But as we don't have PoA yet, what will happen if they do do something? She also has a dog we will have to get rehomed as neither my brother or I can have him sadly.
  5. dora

    dora Registered User

    Aug 1, 2007
    I don't think a phonecall is a good enough response in this case. Would her GP be able to help, or your own GP? SS did a visit for my MIL and told her she must accept carers, but his was a few years ago and money wasn't so tight. I think you just have to keep badgering, but you may have to wait for a crisis.

    The other place to go for help is Alz society or Admiral nurses. Others have posted that they contacted Admiral even if no nurse in their own area, and they were very helpful.

    As regards PoA, I think you have to not worry about that, as there is nothing to be done at the moment. As for the dog, there is a charity called the Cinnamon Trust who may be able to help, or other TP-ers may have suggestions.
  6. AndreaP

    AndreaP Registered User

    This drives me nuts! :confused::confused:

    People with dementia refusing help and SS going "oh OK"? If you left a 2yo child home alone you would be charged with neglect.

    What kind of crazy society do we live in?
  7. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    I agree. I went through this with my mum, over and over again. They said she had capacity to refuse care, which was handy for them, because then they didn't have to organise or pay for it.

    Sadly, we did have to wait for a mini-crisis ( a fall) and then battled with all and sundry to get mum into residential care......

    I'd start with your mum's GP if possible. This is a health issue as much as anything else.

    Wishing you luck and sending you hugs

    Lindy xx
  8. Vicki1975

    Vicki1975 Registered User

    Aug 31, 2015
    Swindon, Wiltshire
    Unfortunately, I had this too. I found out a man I knew was living in total squalor for lack of a better word! He was 82 and very frail. There was so much mess in his house that all he had was all corridors to walk through and a chair to sleep in! I called SS and said it was an emergency. They called him and asked how he was. He said fine and he didn't need any help.

    A few weeks later he fell in the house and was admitted to the hospital. He never came out. I was so angry, I called them again and told them what had happened only for them to say he was an adult and had the right to refuse help!!! Yes, he was an adult but he clearly had dementia. The law would say he wasn't of sound mind so why do SS say he is??!

    Sorry, I know this isn't any help. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and to stick at it. They'll have to give in and help eventually x
  9. blueboy

    blueboy Registered User

    Feb 21, 2015
    Always seems to need a crisis before SS will step in. My Mum was the same - kept saying she was fine etc etc even though I insisted she wasn't. It took a fall and a stay in hospital to get the help which she now has. Please keep on at SS for help.
  10. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    When my mum had hercsecond fall and experience of being on the floor all night i decided enough was enough. I took the key out of the keysafe and told the ss in the hospital they would need to break in to take her bavk home. They arranged care. I must also say my mums own social worker had agreed she needed to be in care but yhe hospital social services were in control. They wanted her out to get the bed released. We have some control too. We need to take it.
  11. AndreaP

    AndreaP Registered User

    Good on you Quilty! I never would have thought of removing the key but I'm very glad you did :)
  12. Tubbsy

    Tubbsy Registered User

    Sep 5, 2010
    I think I will phone her GP even though last week when I took her there, the GP said to me if my mum didn't want care, I couldn't make her. But that was before the milk incident and me realising how dirty she is. My mum has been donating monthly to the Cinnamon trust for years so I guess it's time to call them in. My brother says that taking the dog from her will kill her but she can't feed him anymore, which is one of the reasons my brother visits daily.
  13. Tubbsy

    Tubbsy Registered User

    Sep 5, 2010
    I think you are right and I find myself hoping that a crisis will happen :( I will keep on at SS but from everything I've read on here and friends I've spoken to, I'm not sure I'll get anywhere. I only slept about 3 hours last night, partly due to thinking about my mum's situation and partly because of my gastritis so today I have no energy to do anything about anything. Good thing it's a Sunday I guess!

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