Just dont know what to do????

[melbee]

Hello I wrote on here a while ago re: Mum recently diagnosed with depression and AD. Well it has now totally destroyed our family and I don't know what to do?????

She has started the medication but I know she forgets to take it and gets annoyed if I remind her, saying 'Dont you trust me.' Actually she gets annoyed and argumentative frequently now. She has always been a very strong charactered lady but now she gets either really really nasty or very sorry and upset............

Anyway I'm not sure how to explain all this as there is SO much, but here goes
Christmas day was at our house me, my little girl, my sister and her 2 children, and our Mum. Both hubbies working shifts at Heathrow Airport. The day was lovely and Mum was really happy being with her grandchildren, so we decided to do it all again boxing day and low and behold utter disaster..................

My sister (who was feeling unwell) completely lost it with my Mum over something trivial, but they were both screaming and shouting at each other so I took the crying kids into the kitchen with me and called my Hubby at work. My sister said she was leaving and I suggested she went to cool off and get some rest at home and leave her children (who were very upset) with me and her hubby would collect them later as arranged. Well she then started on me and said I could not stop her taking her kids. All I said she was in no fit state to take the kids and then she called the Police. I told her she was being stupid and to go and she said she never wanted to see me, my family or Mum again.

Well shes done exactly that - we've not had any communication since. My little girl who was 4 on New Years Eve, had a birthday party on the Saturday and my Bro-in-Law bought the children over.

Mum has stayed with us from 30th Dec until today and not once has my sister called, not even to wish us a Happy New Year. However despite this Mum has been really happy, the best shes been in a long while, but then today she got really annoyed with me because I spent an hour on the computer (I work from home and haven't done anything all over Christmas etc) and said 'if I cant spend time with her she may as well go home' .......... My hubby and little girl were both with her, so I cannot understand it.
She hates being on her own which is why I had her staying with us, but I cannot spend 24/7 sitting in the same room if you know what I mean. Am I wrong?

Anyway now I've rambled on and said all that, the real problem is this:

My hubby, daughter and I have to move from our property in the next 5 months from Surrey up North where hubby is from, and can get a job and we have talked about taking Mum with us. We initially will rent and see how it goes etc. But everybody says we should seriously consider it..........

I am being torn because I want to go a make a new life for us, but cannot leave my Mum behind. Some suggest as she is getting worse to find a NH for her, but I know she would really deteriorate then, and I would never forgive myself. Even though we havent spoken about it with my sister etc, I know that my sister (if she ever makes up with us) cannot give my Mum the care and support she needs either.

I know you are all dealing with issues & dilemas of your own, but any suggestions or advice would be so greatly appreciated.

Best wishes to all for 2007.

Melanie

 

[nickyromf]

I can very much sympathise...

Families can be very difficult to handle. My sister pushed for my mum's diagnosis and then once AD was confirmed she has completely withdrawn and left everything to me and my partner. We're now in the process of moving her from Essex to Cardiff to be with us in her own flat across the road, perhaps that could be an option you could explore? You would still be able to keep an eye on her but still have some 'you' time with your family. I feel as though I'm very much going into the unknown but am determined that my relationship has to come first. Some may see that as selfish but thats the way I feel. With regards to communicating with your sister I always prefer to write difficult things down in a letter so that it comes out the way I want it to... otherwise I get foot in mouth disease!!

Hope this helps X

 

[Lucille]

Hello melbee

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum and the family arguments that kicked off on Boxing Day.

If your mum has been put on AD meds, presumably there is a CPN and/or SW involved? Why don't you have a chat with them about your situation. On the one hand, moving your mum seems a good idea because, as you say, you need to get on with your life. However, on the other, it might not be ideal for your mum (depending on the severity of her AD) as she will need familiarity.

You need to think about doing one thing at a time, otherwise you'll end up tying yourself in knots. nickyromf is right. Why don't you drop a note to your sister detailing what you are thinking about doing. Try and involve her with any CPN/SW meeting and then take it from there. That way, you will have given your sister a chance, and if she's not interested, then at least you'll know where you stand. When you have the views of those involved in your mum's care, you can then make a decision (as to whether your mum goes or not).

From my own experience, I've often found that when I sit back and think about things - which often involves looking here on TP, for people in similar situations, I can get through. Take a deep breath! Dealing with AD and the fallout from it is like trying to eat an elephant. It can only be done in small bites. You also have your daughter and hubby to care for, and an impending house move so don't wear yourself out.

Post back here and let us know how you get on. Best wishes.

 

[Margarita]

'if I cant spend time with her she may as well go home'

She hates being on her own which is why I had her staying with us, but I cannot spend 24/7 sitting in the same room if you know what I mean. Am I wrong?.

No your not

I must say, I found that very hard to expect that as part of the disease , mum wanting me to be in the same room as me all the time , noing where I am in the house and I can tell you it gets worse , as her need's :- to get someone in to sit with your mother in the future when you want time out .

If you can understand this and find a balance , as you say you work from home , work on a computer , I use to spend a lot of time on the computer to pass the time, mum would want to know what I am doing on the computer, still does I use to hide in my room with the computer , just to get some time for myself mum would keep popping in.

That what happen to me with my mother ,like your sister before I really understood what was happening to my mother , I had a massive row with my mother and walk out did not want to go back home , my mother behaviour to me was just so unbelievable to me to believe it was part of AZ its all so upsetting in the moment. When I went back home my mother said sorry , she said she never do it again ( as if) give your sister time lucky for her she got you.

Maybe your mum did not get upset when your sister left, because your mother feels safe with you. I know I should not say this, but I bet if you said to your mother go on then go home, she will not really want to go home, she just saying that because she wants your undivided attention, just like your children.

Can’t give you any real good advice in what to do about caring for your mother yourself at home with your family , as my situation was different as in my youngest child was 15 at the time my mother came to live with me , so I assuming it could be harder for you as your children are younger , but you never know ! its finding the balance and getting your sister on your side to help out with the caring


And may be she won’t , you won't know till someone break the ice with your sister could it be you ? if you can arrange time out for both of you to meet up out side the home over a coffee or a meal just the two of you, to see where your sister coming from with those emotion toward your mother , maybe like me ? in the past I use to think mum was doing it on purpose .

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Melanie, Family arguments nearly always happen when everyone is either stressed out or feeling guilty because they are not doing the right thing. You can`t solve everyone`s problems, even with the best will in the world, and need to concentrate only on the things you CAN control.
Would you be able to move house, and get sheltered Warden patrolled accomadation for your mother. This type of accomodation would be like a `Half Way House`, your mother would still have her independence, in her own flat or small bungalow, but there would always be someone on call.
These flats are heavily subscribed but if you start making enquiries now, you just might be lucky.
If you decided on something like that, perhaps you could write to your sister and tell her what you propose to do. Then the ball is in her court.
I`m sorry you had such a stressful Christmas. I hope 2007 is easier for you. Love Sylvia x

 

[melbee]

Thanks................

Hi and Many Thanks to all who responded..........................

I have just returned from my Dad and his wifes house after he got my sister and I to meet and talk. She called him today in tears after Mum phoned her at work and blurted out 'We're all moving up North so you better come and collect all your stuff'.

I had written a letter to my sister to explain things and to suggest we meet up to discuss the issues with Mum but she hasnt got the letter yet, and poor Mum without realising it, upset the applecart again.

Anyway thankfully my sis & I have patched things up, and we are going to concentrate our hardest to turn all our frustrations and anger into fighting to keep our family solid and to try and make this intolerable and cruel journey for our Mum as best as it can be. My sister will do all she can but is not in the same position to look after Mum as I am either.

I asked Mum (when she was in a good & happy mood) if we do all move up North would she like to have her own little place near us, but she has decided she wants to live with us. I know this may change in time but for now it looks as if it may be the way forward.

I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders today, but I know it is hovering about 6 feet above me and just keeps following me.

Best wishes and Thanks again to you all
Melanie

 

[Áine]

Anyway thankfully my sis & I have patched things up, and we are going to concentrate our hardest to turn all our frustrations and anger into fighting to keep our family solid and to try and make this intolerable and cruel journey for our Mum as best as it can be.

well done melanie ....... takes some real strength and courage on both your parts to do that. best wishes with it.

 

[jan.]

Hi Melbee,

What a fraught situation for you, it always seems so much worse when it happens at Christmas. I do hope you can resolve your differences with your sister as you will both need each others support in your mothers care as she gets further down the line with this dreadful illness.
I so agree with Grannie G, i think if i had the choice over again with regards to my father either living in sheltered accommodation or living with us, with what i know now, i would have opted for sheltered accommodation. Don`t get me wrong......i love my father very much BUT.... you can feel very divided, as far as loyalties are concerned. I also had my daughter & grand-daughter living with us at the time & as my grand-daughter got older.... 3-4yrs of age, dad started to get a bit aggressive with her so i couldn`t leave them alone together, as dad would kick out at her or push her when i wasn`t looking It was a very stressful period which i wouldn`t wish on anyone, it was only resolved a year ago when my daughter moved out with my grand-daughter.
At least as grannie G said, your mum would still be able to retain a level of independence, whilst giving you your own space & bolt hole when you need it ( and believe me you`ll need it as the time goes by!)Good Luck, Jan.

 

[jan.]

So glad you & your sis have cleared the air. Good for you.

Best wishes Jan.