Mum's dementia has crept up slowly. I had her looked at about five years ago - only couldn't attend the appointment through illness so my daughter took her - so my input over what had been happening wasn't there. Age related cognitive decline was diagnosed.
I started looking for homes then - we decided that although we knew she would hate it and we felt she would go downhill, at least she wouldn't be alone at home where she'd had a couple of small falls - where the food was moulding in the fridge sometimes - where she drove into the path of a lorry - where she was drinking far too much because she was depressed and very lonely.
But I couldn't get her to agree. My brother pointed out that she would hate being around others (such is her character) which is true. She is angry and picks holes in everyone and we both thought that when it came to it, it will be a disaster. She would just hate everyone.
We were on edge waiting for something to happen. So, when it did - she actually eventually accepted it and settled in the home in her way (with me visiting regularly).
Her humour is still there at times and she can 'pull people's legs'. Even if she will not admit it, I ABSOLUTELY KNOW she is SO much better in there. Even if she does herself secretly realise this, she would never say as much to me. She wants me to feel as bad as possible, and unfortunately I do at times. But I still KNOW i have done the best I can and I will carry on, although others say to visit less (at times I have)
She understands if anything happened to her there is help on tap. I have made her room look like her old home - lamps, pictures and paintings, ornaments etc.
She is the only resident who has her door firmly closed. But she joins others for lunch and has even started doing bingo and quizzes. Something totally unheard of!
She has taken a vehement dislike of some residents and I have been worried what she'll do (threatened to put her lunch over one poor woman's head). But all that seems to have a settled a little.
When she complains I do ask her what else could have been done? She will glare at me. I offer to move her to one of the care homes I had viewed. She glares some more.
She'd had a complete breakdown as my fathers illness became palliative. I had just spent four years retraining in my chosen profession - just qualified. But I went up there and stayed for eight weeks getting her back up and running and caring for dad. So setting up my business took a back seat. And her care has not given me the space to get back on track at the moment.
But anyway - she IS so much better off and I'm convinced she knows that. She is now forgetting things from even a few hours ago and still doesn't understand her diagnosis. At times I feel so terribly sorry for her.
I think your mother is loading that guilt on you. But I honestly think you need that distance for your own sake and there's nothing wrong with that.
As for brothers - the next morning after the stroke I tried to ring. No answer. So I texted to say she was on a ward and being looked after. Nothing. I rang again but he wasn't very pleased as he was out shopping and informed me that his phone goes off at ten o'clock every night! He just doesn't want to know!
Your story of 'many women being your mother' and your knowing the effect is extraordinary. I wonder what kind of 'personality issues' wipe out a natural maternal instinct? Have thought the same here!
I started looking for homes then - we decided that although we knew she would hate it and we felt she would go downhill, at least she wouldn't be alone at home where she'd had a couple of small falls - where the food was moulding in the fridge sometimes - where she drove into the path of a lorry - where she was drinking far too much because she was depressed and very lonely.
But I couldn't get her to agree. My brother pointed out that she would hate being around others (such is her character) which is true. She is angry and picks holes in everyone and we both thought that when it came to it, it will be a disaster. She would just hate everyone.
We were on edge waiting for something to happen. So, when it did - she actually eventually accepted it and settled in the home in her way (with me visiting regularly).
Her humour is still there at times and she can 'pull people's legs'. Even if she will not admit it, I ABSOLUTELY KNOW she is SO much better in there. Even if she does herself secretly realise this, she would never say as much to me. She wants me to feel as bad as possible, and unfortunately I do at times. But I still KNOW i have done the best I can and I will carry on, although others say to visit less (at times I have)
She understands if anything happened to her there is help on tap. I have made her room look like her old home - lamps, pictures and paintings, ornaments etc.
She is the only resident who has her door firmly closed. But she joins others for lunch and has even started doing bingo and quizzes. Something totally unheard of!
She has taken a vehement dislike of some residents and I have been worried what she'll do (threatened to put her lunch over one poor woman's head). But all that seems to have a settled a little.
When she complains I do ask her what else could have been done? She will glare at me. I offer to move her to one of the care homes I had viewed. She glares some more.
She'd had a complete breakdown as my fathers illness became palliative. I had just spent four years retraining in my chosen profession - just qualified. But I went up there and stayed for eight weeks getting her back up and running and caring for dad. So setting up my business took a back seat. And her care has not given me the space to get back on track at the moment.
But anyway - she IS so much better off and I'm convinced she knows that. She is now forgetting things from even a few hours ago and still doesn't understand her diagnosis. At times I feel so terribly sorry for her.
I think your mother is loading that guilt on you. But I honestly think you need that distance for your own sake and there's nothing wrong with that.
As for brothers - the next morning after the stroke I tried to ring. No answer. So I texted to say she was on a ward and being looked after. Nothing. I rang again but he wasn't very pleased as he was out shopping and informed me that his phone goes off at ten o'clock every night! He just doesn't want to know!
Your story of 'many women being your mother' and your knowing the effect is extraordinary. I wonder what kind of 'personality issues' wipe out a natural maternal instinct? Have thought the same here!