Oh wow sounds like it wasgreat timing that room came up, and a much better option for her even though it sounds like she did not apprciate your efforts securing it. Nor did your brother sounds like. I guess all you can do is your best, if he does not, then he will have to live with that. I find the same, one brother lives further away so just agress with whatever we suggest, the other is local but very infantile and emotionally unstable/selfish, so aside from weekly visits I do not expect more. A further issue has been his dependency on finances, but hopefully now apron strings are fully cut even if it has been me that had to do the adulting. I can empathise with you, as mine has no concept at all of what this 24/7 care has been like as she seems 'normal' when he sees her. In the past he did live with her in her home for 3 months couple years ago, and she drove him nuts, so I think he is conveniently forgetting...
Still no joy from the care home so I will chase them again today, even mum is annoyed they have not called.
T1000 I hope the home has contacted you now and things are moving a little. Perhaps a small good sign that your mum was annoyed they hadn't called as it may indicate that she really does feel a little guilty that she's putting on you.
You're right. Mum does/did not appreciate what it took to get her here or how wonderful her surroundings are.
Regarding everything falling to daughters. I have a good friend who, when her mother was failing, was the one to visit, care, shop, clean, everything, even though she had a busy job a long commute away. When her mother became palliative and was in hospital my friend's brother pitched up to visit. The staff were very surprised, as they didn't know there even was a son! He lived around the corner. . . .
Another good friend of mine now doesn't have a relationship with both of her brothers after reaching breaking point for the same reasons.
I'm sure there are many great and caring men out there, but, as my elderly neighbour says in a generic way, shaking her head, having witnessed it so many times - it always falls to daughters.
Like you, I now do not expect more. My brother is a long way away and I don't expect him drive up and down constantly. But some verbal support and a listening ear would be wonderful. When she was taken away with a stroke he couldn't even be bothered to keep his phone switched on.
I don't know about you but I never thought ahead about my parents' demise. What this has done is to try and plan ahead for my own. I want to have everything in order for my daughter to make it as easy as possible for her.
What I have found, and I do find very difficult, is I have ruminated over historic issues and they are very much not happy ones. I really don't know the answer to that. It must have been devastating for you to find you were left alone after you were born. I would imagine you had/have a real sense of abandonment. I am sure even a very prem baby senses their mother's presence. Like you, becoming a parent myself brought everything into a very stark realisation.
One day you will look back and fully know you did absolutely everything possible for her even in the face of what went before. And so, hopefully, that guilt can't take a hold. You're a lovely caring person.
Hugs to you.