I feel these past 6 months it is harder yes, and now we have incontinence issues more regularly, and falls (she drinks too much before bed, and takes extremely strong sleeping tablet which she is addicted too, plus anti depression meds etc). She never rememebrs anything in the morning and is then dismissive if I gently raise it, which I think is due to pride. At the moment am waiting to hear from the care home but will ring them later if still no news.
Just a vent
- Thread starter T1000
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@soguilty, have you considered visiting your mother less, or ending your visit as soon as she becomes unpleasant (perhaps after a couple of warnings)? There is no law that says that you must visit elderly relatives in care homes and the visits don't seem to be doing either of you any good. As a dutiful daughter you will want to ensure that she is being properly cared for but that can be done by speaking to the manager and the carers regularly and making short visits occasionally to set eyes on her.
On his deathbed your father astutely observed that your mother was an unhappy woman. He hadn't been able to make her happy and neither can / could you and, in fact, you can't make a fundamentally unhappy person happy; a person has to find happiness from within.
You have nothing to feel guilty about at all but I understand that it's difficult to re-frame your perspective.
On his deathbed your father astutely observed that your mother was an unhappy woman. He hadn't been able to make her happy and neither can / could you and, in fact, you can't make a fundamentally unhappy person happy; a person has to find happiness from within.
You have nothing to feel guilty about at all but I understand that it's difficult to re-frame your perspective.
Ah thank you canary - all that is so true! Not sure but I think we may have corresponded a few years ago? I hope everything is as well with you as possible and you're hanging in there. Hugs back!
Th
My father should have left her years ago. He stayed however because she 'attempted' suicide a few times to keep him there. I have also learned since his death that he felt unable to leave her as he didn't want her to become a problem for my brother and I.
My daughter always tells me I owe my mother nothing. And that's true. But there is also such a pathos about her. She is unable to understand people or relationships and is extremely childlike. I guess I have to find a way to self protect and detach more.
I know that when this finally plays out guilt will not be a part of what I feel. I have done everything possible for her well- being the last six years and continue to.
It's so true when you say that no-one can make you happy. That can only come from inside yourself, as you say. It's something the poor woman doesn't possess. Like an angry toddler she has never learned to self-soothe.
I am lucky in that I have a huge capacity for joy. A bit difficult to tap into sometimes right now - but it's still there!
Thank you for that Violet Jane! Very good advice. Yes there have been times when I have given myself a break for a couple of weeks. I have also ended a couple of visits when I could no longer take the anger and the poking. The next visits when they happened were always better and a demonstration of how she is able to behave. I imagine this is how it will continue - me rolling with the punches until something in me breaks - her behaving badly and petulantly until I say enough.
My father should have left her years ago. He stayed however because she 'attempted' suicide a few times to keep him there. I have also learned since his death that he felt unable to leave her as he didn't want her to become a problem for my brother and I.
My daughter always tells me I owe my mother nothing. And that's true. But there is also such a pathos about her. She is unable to understand people or relationships and is extremely childlike. I guess I have to find a way to self protect and detach more.
I know that when this finally plays out guilt will not be a part of what I feel. I have done everything possible for her well- being the last six years and continue to.
It's so true when you say that no-one can make you happy. That can only come from inside yourself, as you say. It's something the poor woman doesn't possess. Like an angry toddler she has never learned to self-soothe.
I am lucky in that I have a huge capacity for joy. A bit difficult to tap into sometimes right now - but it's still there!
I feel for you, it's good you have found a way to put yourself first re the painful visits, I guess it really is like a toddler. I need to prepare myself for this, as end up usually doing what mum wants to keep the peace. I also feel like I can't let go of the guilt. Once she is in a care home that may help as I will know she is ok and taken care of my those who have more time and qualifications than I do. Your relationship with your daughter sounds great and so nice that you can talk about this and get support and understanding. I can only hope we are changing our family tree and that our child is much healthier. My themes growing up were also suicidal ideation from my mum, which seems to have spread to my siblings at different stages. She still uses this now, even as recently as a few days ago which is what triggered this post I think. I, like you, will protect my child with everything I have against this sort of history.
Can I ask how you chose the home in the end, and how you deal with the feelings re your sibling withdrawing leaving you to cope with all the heavy lifting?
It was a bit of luck really. I am around the corner from a lovely village - a place for elderly people set in it's own protected grounds and woodland. It's a charity based around Victorian alms houses for elderly people with no money or house of their own to live out their final years.
I had approached them after my father died but mother had her own house and was financially secure so she couldn't get in. However, there was a nursing home on site and a care home (both funded privately). I had looked at loads of care homes round here - some good some not so. I also did my homework in her home town of Norwich but most of the care homes there were horrible for the same money!
The care home in the village, although lovely, involved a level of care she wasn't ready for. I was looking at everything I could so that if/when a crisis happened I would be prepared. Something a dementia book said to do.
The fall a couple of years ago changed everything. She could never shower alone again and her mobility was affected and she never went home. By some miracle the nursing home in the village had spaces and I moved Mum there. She was on morphine then. She had no idea she wouldn't be going back to her home live alone. That was something I had to break to her a few months in. A day I would like to forget.
My brother lives in Yorkshire and Mum had to go one way or another so she came down here. At times I am furious with him. But it is what it is. His personality is such that he literally just can't cope (there he is in the corner with that big feathered **** up in the air!) I'm not making excuses for him and at times I've been extremely hurt and utterly astounded at his lack of empathy. But now I have settled more to just doing what has to be done as she's near me. I try to let the rest go.
I am sure when you get your mother into a care home things will ease a little for you. I know you won't escape all the angst (and I'm sure she will make sure you don't) but not seeing her on a daily basis and having that space will give you your life back at least a bit. Perhaps it is time for you to consider seriously how to achieve it? Very hard I know.
I so understand the guilt. I honestly don't think you/we can escape it completely. It's more complicated than that. But I do feel that having done and doing all that's possible (which you're doing already) goes a long way towards assuaging at least some of that guilt.
We soldier on!
Wow @T1000 , you have been amazing!! I don't know how you have coped - to be let down so badly as a child and then find it in your heart to take your mum in. I do think you need to start looking after yourself and accept that your mum will never be able to make the decision to go into care, or value and appreciate what you do. My husband has dementia, he is angry every day and takes his frustration out on me. The disease has robbed him of the ability to manage his behaviour or even fully understand what I do for him and this will be the same for your mum, irrespective of how she was as a mother. You could not do more than you are doing xxx
Hi T100
So soory that you are going through this awful time like so many of us.
Make sure that you start building/build on your own support network for you, I've been in various states of dispair and exhaustion over the last few years but now I have had some therapy around family dynamics and have managed to get more support with Dad AND have changed alot of my caring habits I am now feeling able to cope with whatever comes up without breaking.
Good lick and look after yourself xxx
So soory that you are going through this awful time like so many of us.
Make sure that you start building/build on your own support network for you, I've been in various states of dispair and exhaustion over the last few years but now I have had some therapy around family dynamics and have managed to get more support with Dad AND have changed alot of my caring habits I am now feeling able to cope with whatever comes up without breaking.
Good lick and look after yourself xxx
Oh wow sounds like it wasgreat timing that room came up, and a much better option for her even though it sounds like she did not apprciate your efforts securing it. Nor did your brother sounds like. I guess all you can do is your best, if he does not, then he will have to live with that. I find the same, one brother lives further away so just agress with whatever we suggest, the other is local but very infantile and emotionally unstable/selfish, so aside from weekly visits I do not expect more. A further issue has been his dependency on finances, but hopefully now apron strings are fully cut even if it has been me that had to do the adulting. I can empathise with you, as mine has no concept at all of what this 24/7 care has been like as she seems 'normal' when he sees her. In the past he did live with her in her home for 3 months couple years ago, and she drove him nuts, so I think he is conveniently forgetting...
Still no joy from the care home so I will chase them again today, even mum is annoyed they have not called.
I am so so sorry to hear that, I cannot imaging not having my husband be th eperson he is, and losing him like this. You must be incredibly strong most days, do you ave support for you?
Yes it has been very hard, I am caring and sensitive (have always been told I am 'too sensitive) and it means I am hurt easily so have developed a thicker skin as best I can but she knows how to work around it esp on guilt trips.
One thing I struggle with which has been coming up for me last couple of years, is that when I was born she and my father left me alone in hospital 'because they were told to'. I was born very very premature. I did not get a single visit during 3 months and feel that eventually when they did pick me up and I was well enough, it must have affected our bond. I guess I blame her more for this, what mum can do that? As a mum now I cannot imagine doing this and in fact with my son, I was in turmoil with him being in ICU just for a week and i could not see him.
It's something I tried last year to have some therapy on to help me process it but funds ran out, I am trying my best to learn online but the hurt runs deep I suppose, and I am now faced with doing my all for her now she is weaker and more frail, with a horrendous journey descending ahead.
Thank you Louise, I did try a little therapy last yuear, just talking, which helopid a bit but it's a myriad of confusion as to what type of therapist I would need for this. See my latest post for some insight on why.
That is great you are able to take more care of yourself, my self care def needs improving, I have put on some weight, am not always eating well, and generally need to focus on hubby, son, mum and work just to survive right now.
To be honest I know you feel it's too early - I felt it was too early but I was so far away from dad I couldn't guarantee his safety - but I think it's better too early than too late, as I think dad was able to settle and adjust and I've not had to move him for over three years, and it's been 'home' to him for a long time now. Unfortunately, I don't think you can expect her to make the decision or take responsibility for anything really now - as she's seen this home and likes it, I, personally (and call me heartless if you like and I know you're not really asking for advice so allow a large pinch of salt) would book her in and take her there for coffee, then take an overnight bag in later and go away, leaving her to settle and rely on the carers.
On the depression, my dad has benefitted massively from antidepressants, so worth discussing with the GP/memory clinic or whoever is doing the prescribing at the moment. It really did dampen down the anxiety and I would say he's more happy and has a more stable mood than he has had in decades, and I think he probably should have been prescribed them years ago.
On the depression, my dad has benefitted massively from antidepressants, so worth discussing with the GP/memory clinic or whoever is doing the prescribing at the moment. It really did dampen down the anxiety and I would say he's more happy and has a more stable mood than he has had in decades, and I think he probably should have been prescribed them years ago.
@imthedaughter thank you. Yes we have planned a weeks trial, but they are being rubbish and not called me so I rang them earlier and they said the room they thought was free now is not. So I will call the other place we saw.
As to depression mum has been on valium type stuff for years, these days takes Mirtzapine combined with Zolpidem for sleeping. I guess it's because her personality is more inclined to be anxious/negative that she has been on these for decades. I suspect her mind/body do not get the same benefit as they once did and sadly suspect there's lots of interactions going on too. But Dr is happy with all the things she is taking. Alcohol on top however doesn't help... and that is daily, has always been so pretty much ebven before alzheimers.
I feel so torn, upset, sad and yet reaching the point that I need to just pull the plaster off, as someone said it's important to detach carefully and sensitively, problem is it's just me that thinks like that. On other occasions living here mum has simply left me, gone abroad for a week then stayed for months, no considerations for my feelings. Now she can no longer do it and also feels guilty about being here, behind the facade I know she appreciates what I do though.
As to depression mum has been on valium type stuff for years, these days takes Mirtzapine combined with Zolpidem for sleeping. I guess it's because her personality is more inclined to be anxious/negative that she has been on these for decades. I suspect her mind/body do not get the same benefit as they once did and sadly suspect there's lots of interactions going on too. But Dr is happy with all the things she is taking. Alcohol on top however doesn't help... and that is daily, has always been so pretty much ebven before alzheimers.
I feel so torn, upset, sad and yet reaching the point that I need to just pull the plaster off, as someone said it's important to detach carefully and sensitively, problem is it's just me that thinks like that. On other occasions living here mum has simply left me, gone abroad for a week then stayed for months, no considerations for my feelings. Now she can no longer do it and also feels guilty about being here, behind the facade I know she appreciates what I do though.
Yes counselling can help to process your feelings but you are right, it is very expensive. It would be surprising if you weren't 'sensitive' after what you have been through and you are clearly very caring and have managed to rise above your past and become the person you want to be - that is no mean feat.
Re my husband - I am trying to move home to be closer to family and get some support. Trouble is there is no formal support, I saw my doctor today and she suggested that one option would be to leave him because he is deemed to have capacity!! Not only would it financially ruin me, but morally after 40 years of marriage I am not sure if I could do it!! Look after yourself - you are doing great
Lave him? Wow that's a very unexpected suggestion I am sure, very extreme . As you say you have 40 years together. When you say you have no formal support, can family help enough and then you get a carer in for a couple of hours here and there if funds allow? Do you have Attendance Allowance for him?Yes counselling can help to process your feelings but you are right, it is very expensive. It would be surprising if you weren't 'sensitive' after what you have been through and you are clearly very caring and have managed to rise above your past and become the person you want to be - that is no mean feat.
Re my husband - I am trying to move home to be closer to family and get some support. Trouble is there is no formal support, I saw my doctor today and she suggested that one option would be to leave him because he is deemed to have capacity!! Not only would it financially ruin me, but morally after 40 years of marriage I am not sure if I could do it!! Look after yourself - you are doing great
Thank you, I think the biggest issue I need to come to terms with is being left alone an birth for so long, it's really been cropping up alot lately. I feel deep down she has guilt over this and did apologise very quickly a few years ago in a down moment. I guess I think I need more than that though, and having to accept it will likely never come.
I can understand your hurt, I guess some people are just not capable of the sort of love that others in their life deserve, whether it is down to failings in their own childhood or maybe some sort of personality disorder. I am glad you have a husband who can give you the love and care you deserve.
Re husband, we are getting Attendance Allowance and I am trying to move closer to family but this is stressful!! There is no easy solution but the Social Worker and Doctor both suggested I leave. I think this is an acknowledgement that there is very little formal support available due to pressures on the care system.
Thank you yes it certainly as different then. I guess it's more that had they really wanted to, they could have come in to see me in 3 months? They were told I 'would not make it therefore what's the point'. As a parent, I would want to be with my child if they were 'not going to make it'. I could not simply leave and carry on with my life or at least visit once or twice if I knew they had gotten past the first few weeks and was dong better you know? It's all very hard to think about really and I know my being a parent certainly has made me feel more strongly about it.
T1000 I hope the home has contacted you now and things are moving a little. Perhaps a small good sign that your mum was annoyed they hadn't called as it may indicate that she really does feel a little guilty that she's putting on you.
You're right. Mum does/did not appreciate what it took to get her here or how wonderful her surroundings are.
Regarding everything falling to daughters. I have a good friend who, when her mother was failing, was the one to visit, care, shop, clean, everything, even though she had a busy job a long commute away. When her mother became palliative and was in hospital my friend's brother pitched up to visit. The staff were very surprised, as they didn't know there even was a son! He lived around the corner. . . .
Another good friend of mine now doesn't have a relationship with both of her brothers after reaching breaking point for the same reasons.
I'm sure there are many great and caring men out there, but, as my elderly neighbour says in a generic way, shaking her head, having witnessed it so many times - it always falls to daughters.
Like you, I now do not expect more. My brother is a long way away and I don't expect him drive up and down constantly. But some verbal support and a listening ear would be wonderful. When she was taken away with a stroke he couldn't even be bothered to keep his phone switched on.
I don't know about you but I never thought ahead about my parents' demise. What this has done is to try and plan ahead for my own. I want to have everything in order for my daughter to make it as easy as possible for her.
What I have found, and I do find very difficult, is I have ruminated over historic issues and they are very much not happy ones. I really don't know the answer to that. It must have been devastating for you to find you were left alone after you were born. I would imagine you had/have a real sense of abandonment. I am sure even a very prem baby senses their mother's presence. Like you, becoming a parent myself brought everything into a very stark realisation.
One day you will look back and fully know you did absolutely everything possible for her even in the face of what went before. And so, hopefully, that guilt can't take a hold. You're a lovely caring person.
Hugs to you.
Thank you @soguilty I am so glad to have found you and others here who can relate. I guess everyone copes in different ways re siblings. Like yours , mine is local but simply does a coffee or pub once or twice a week, as the weekends are for 'his personal time'. The weekends are when we blo*dy need help and could use him taking her out for a day. But he would 'miss time with his girlfriend' and is just emotionally stunted so much, very needy so that is more important to him right now. I can't believe still that yours turned off his phone like that when you needed help and imagine you felt very angry then and kind of gave up on him? I feel I have reached that stage almost. Though to anyone else he is the golden child.
Yes I think the feelings I have had over my birth are indeed of not being wanted, or not even caring enough to make the trip once to visit. I know times were different, but a few weeks in and knowing they were ok, they could not stop me at least trying to see the baby. As it was many women were my mum, both for blood, breastmilk and more. I know now that there are personality deep issues, perhaps to do with her childhood, the kind of generation that was very critical and this contributes to her whole personality. But to have both of my parents not care enough to even try is very hard to accept. And then when you are left pretty much solely in charge of one of their care, it's even harder. I know I have a choice, and indeed she could be paying £1k a week now, but I am almost 100% sure that when she enters such an environment she will rapidly deteriorate . She told me as much in the week she had at a home, that she would go inwards if no one engaged with her and could see how easy it would be so simply give in to it. She is a very smart lady so telling me that ensures I feel even more guilty. Don't you just love it. She is now ready though, I feel it and once some of the places we have contacted tdo have a space, she will be more ok with it as she knows last few months things are changing for her and how she is feeling.
