Just a vent

[T1000]

Hi everyone,
I am finding this place so supportive and a relief, because you understand and can feel the pain, frustration, helplessness of caring for a loved one with this awful disease.
Mum is I feel at stage 4-5, living with us over 3 years now. She has always had depression, quite a negative outlook. She is angry to be in this situation, as could no longer live alone since her husband died. Day to day she is ok, still goes out couple times a week and carries out normal activities but has basically zero social life and will not make new connections, or even call the couple of people that might still interact with her.

The thing is, being the only one of her children who can care for her, I am the one who gets the brunt of the depression, like this weekend,. She had no issues telling me she has had enough, no longer wants to live, and wants to end it all. This has happened since I was 12, a vessel for her to offload into, usually done when no one else can hear her. Today she is a bit better and has gone shopping, but I am exhausted.
The feelings of helplessness I have and guilt, over being her main option, how do I resolve those?
I have taken her to care homes to have a look, she has stayed at one on respite, with the plan being to stay there when we went on holidays. Checked herself in then with sibling helping her, then an hour later, asked him to pick her up and she was on her own in our home. No one told us until we returned.

Now, a new care home she likes the look of, she wants everyone to arrange it then when it comes to making a decision on the date just to try them for a week, she seems to be hiding from it. I understand it somewhat as it must feel like the last Big Decision, and is very scary to feel like 'that's it'.
This level of stubborness though frustrates me, and if you talk to her about it her reaction will be tears, so you do not bring it up again. Aside from criticism and negativity, I rarely get any appreciation or help round the house, and I guess I am getting resentful for trying to do the right thing? She would be paying £4k a month anywhere else. My hubby has pretty much had enough and I feel bad still, were she more ilvolved, helpful, this would possibly work longer. But I just don't know what to do. If she is here, I am exhausted, if she is there, I will feel guilty, like I could have done more.

 

[DreamsAreReal]

I know you're just venting but I don't see how much more you could have done? You've already done way more than most would be willing or able to do. Give yourself a pat on the back! The guilt is unavoidable imo if you love someone with dementia, no matter how much you do, it will never be enough for Dementia. Take care, your welfare is important too. xx

 

[Lawson58]

I am sure you have heard the old saying about not lighting a fire under yourself to keep someone else warm.
It seems to me that your sense of guilt is not warranted in any way as you are going beyond your responsibilities.

My concern is that you say your husband has had enough and I think that wouldn’t surprise anyone. And you sound as if you have had enough too so I guess the time has come for you to bite the bullet and get your mum into care. Your mum has laid all of her troubles on you for far too long and perhaps the time has come to think of your relationship with your husband. If it has been hard on you then it must have been so much harder for him.

I know it is a hard decision to make and the sad thing is that you are going to have to choose, a life for yourself or continued sacrifice for your mum.

 

[T1000]

I know you're just venting but I don't see how much more you could have done? You've already done way more than most would be willing or able to do. Give yourself a pat on the back! The guilt is is unavoidable imo if you love someone with dementia, no matter how much you do, it will never be enough for Dementia. Take care, your welfare is important too. xx

Thank you Dreams, I guess I just feel it's me forcing it, and wish she would take some onus on it. I think she wants it to be 'I was put in a care home' if that makes sense, yet she could be the one deciding, to take this off me. She told a carer a few months back 'I guess I will wait for them to kick me out', which makes no sense to me. I could not do that to my own child, or at least cannot imagine what would lead me to do so.

 

[T1000]

I am sure you have heard the old saying about not lighting a fire under yourself to keep someone else warm.
It seems to me that your sense of guilt is not warranted in any way as you are going beyond your responsibilities.

My concern is that you say your husband has had enough and I think that wouldn’t surprise anyone. And you sound as if you have had enough too so I guess the time has come for you to bite the bullet and get your mum into care. Your mum has laid all of her troubles on you for far too long and perhaps the time has come to think of your relationship with your husband. If it has been hard on you then it must have been so much harder for him.

I know it is a hard decision to make and the sad thing is that you are going to have to choose, a life for yourself or continued sacrifice for your mum.

Thank you Lawson, yes it's been harder these past 6 months I would say, things are changing, accidents at night which we clean up but she doesn't recall due to drugs. Used to be a fall every 3 months say, usually at night due to pills, but now there's been 3 just these past 4 weeks. Then she is embarassed that the accidents are happening, which has led to sadness at not even being aware it's happened. I can completely understand it and feel awful at what that must be like. What I find hard is that other than that many things are normal, anyone in the street that met mum would not know she has Alzheimers. So it feels too early if that makes sense. But hubby has rightfully said we have done our bit, and the only way she has been coping is by living with us, could not have done so on her own. No cooking, no desire to clean, or help in any way, and we are both working daily to keep things going. But i cannot manage her needs as best as a care home. In some ways she has better quality of life here but in others def not, as we see eachother too much, so it's not the same as a sibling, who sees her once or twice for an hour or so per week. She looks forward to those times so much, I feel what I am doing is erased, if that makes any sense.

 

[DreamsAreReal]

Thank you Dreams, I guess I just feel it's me forcing it, and wish she would take some onus on it. I think she wants it to be 'I was put in a care home' if that makes sense, yet she could be the one deciding, to take this off me. She told a carer a few months back 'I guess I will wait for them to kick me out', which makes no sense to me. I could not do that to my own child, or at least cannot imagine what would lead me to do so.

I do understand what you're saying, it seems to be very manipulative behaviour but her Dementia means she can't see the situation from your side. People with Dementia feel vulnerable and anxious a lot of the time. There won't be many (any?) pwd who voluntarily decide to move to a Care Home. She feels safe with you and the Care Home is an unknown place, full of strangers. Not saying that to make you feel bad (I think you've gone above and beyond with your care for her), just to explain why she won't decide for herself.

Btw, if your relationship pre-Dementia was sometimes manipulative, any feelings of being manipulated by her now will be really triggering for you. It's very tough to be in your situation. xx

 

[Libbybookworm]

@T1000 I was amazed to read that a sibling dumped her in your home without your authority. If she is living in your home and you were the one who arranged respite care you should have been consulted before she was returned to your home. If your sibling was concerned enough to take her out of the care home, perhaps s/he could have taken her to his/her home.

 

[Agzy]

This thread resonates so much in mirroring many part of my life and times lately with my OH, Pauline. Almost like parallel universe ??

 

[soguilty]

Hi everyone,
I am finding this place so supportive and a relief, because you understand and can feel the pain, frustration, helplessness of caring for a loved one with this awful disease.
Mum is I feel at stage 4-5, living with us over 3 years now. She has always had depression, quite a negative outlook. She is angry to be in this situation, as could no longer live alone since her husband died. Day to day she is ok, still goes out couple times a week and carries out normal activities but has basically zero social life and will not make new connections, or even call the couple of people that might still interact with her.

The thing is, being the only one of her children who can care for her, I am the one who gets the brunt of the depression, like this weekend,. She had no issues telling me she has had enough, no longer wants to live, and wants to end it all. This has happened since I was 12, a vessel for her to offload into, usually done when no one else can hear her. Today she is a bit better and has gone shopping, but I am exhausted.
The feelings of helplessness I have and guilt, over being her main option, how do I resolve those?
I have taken her to care homes to have a look, she has stayed at one on respite, with the plan being to stay there when we went on holidays. Checked herself in then with sibling helping her, then an hour later, asked him to pick her up and she was on her own in our home. No one told us until we returned.

Now, a new care home she likes the look of, she wants everyone to arrange it then when it comes to making a decision on the date just to try them for a week, she seems to be hiding from it. I understand it somewhat as it must feel like the last Big Decision, and is very scary to feel like 'that's it'.
This level of stubborness though frustrates me, and if you talk to her about it her reaction will be tears, so you do not bring it up again. Aside from criticism and negativity, I rarely get any appreciation or help round the house, and I guess I am getting resentful for trying to do the right thing? She would be paying £4k a month anywhere else. My hubby has pretty much had enough and I feel bad still, were she more ilvolved, helpful, this would possibly work longer. But I just don't know what to do. If she is here, I am exhausted, if she is there, I will feel guilty, like I could have done more.

Hi T1000 I just wanted to say I identify with SO much of what you are saying and cyber hugs are winging your way!!

My own mother is now in a care home very close to me following a fall (backwards head first down a long flight of stairs) and she has just had a diagnosis of vascular dementia. I see her around once a week but totally dread it each time. She lays on the emotional blackmail with a trowel and although I know it for what it is it still triggers me automatically with guilt for not seeing her more. Which is exactly what she wants. She is very unhappy and depressed. But this is not new at all. It's not a new state because of the dementia. She always has been negative in the extreme and now her innate anger and 'blackness' is in sharp focus as she's living close to me for the first time.
If she could only realise that, treating me with a little respect and even kindness for once instead of the unrelenting constant criticism, would result in me going to see her more. I would give anything to have an easy relaxed relationship with her for what ever time is left.

I have recently talked with the staff in the care home to get a picture of her when I'm not there - seems she is happy enough and laughs and chats. A relief, but not a picture she paints.

I am constantly told I couldn't have done more for her and I do keep that up (I do her washing, bring her here for lunch, take her out, shop for her, walk her round the grounds where she is etc etc). Her house has now been sold ( I haven't been forgiven for that) and I carefully packed everything I knew she would love to have and stored it all here. She now has a larger room with some of her things from home there.
I would give anything for her to have at least some level of acceptance or contentment and I understand completely what she has gone through. But her anger towards me is extreme and constant and wears me down. I do try hard to shrug it off and let it wash over me - she's old and facing her mortality and because of that my heart goes out to her - but, as she has all my life, she will watch and listen for a weakness that she can manipulate and then she will not let up. Our relationship hasn't always been great but she's my mum and I had hoped that being where she is (it's beautiful) would give her some happiness as she hated living on her own and was mentally losing it. She wouldn't socialise - she doesn't get on easily with other people.

After my father's death we did all we could to look after her from opposite ends of the country. When things needed doing it was having to drag her kicking and screaming to get things done - she opposes every single thing.

I understand the onus is on you. I feel the same. I had tried to get mum to agree to move nearer me for quite a while but she refused. The fall took care of the decision. But she is resentful and at times malicious. She has gone for a couple of residents in the home. She has always had huge temper tantrums. Again, nothing new.

I have a brother who lives a long way away. He rings her twice a week - then calls me straight away to offload angrily as he finds it so exasperating to even have that contact with her.

I think when you do manage to force the issue (and something will inevitably change at some point) there will be an element of relief as you won't have to face her every single day. I find that when I have just done a visit I am exhausted - after a couple of days I feel more like myself. Then as a visit looms I go downhill dreading it.

I am mainly very resilient - but the situation hangs over me constantly and sometimes produces sleepless nights. I feel rather pathetic to let it dominate like this, but, she is my mother, and I'm just a daughter wanting my mother to find at the very least some contentment. Although it has been a difficult life with her I feel sorry for her and wish with all my heart she could be ending better and finding a little peace. I guess underneath everything she's an anxious woman who exists on anger. And now an old anxious angry woman. It's unbearably sad.

I send you best wishes and wish you well, and hope that the way forward for you will begin soon.

 

[T1000]

I do understand what you're saying, it seems to be very manipulative behaviour but her Dementia means she can't see the situation from your side. People with Dementia feel vulnerable and anxious a lot of the time. There won't be many (any?) pwd who voluntarily decide to move to a Care Home. She feels safe with you and the Care Home is an unknown place, full of strangers. Not saying that to make you feel bad (I think you've gone above and beyond with your care for her), just to explain why she won't decide for herself.

Btw, if your relationship pre-Dementia was sometimes manipulative, any feelings of being manipulated by her now will be really triggering for you. It's very tough to be in your situation. xx

I think that is exactly it, there are themes of manipulation for sure. In my teens I was not welcome at home and was told I should pay for my own education after 15. And this is me who was straight and narrow, studied hard and behaved. So I worked 60 hours a week during the Summer to ensure I could still study as I knew it was my only way out. For mum there was alcoholism, choosing not to work, and depression. Then I left home when I could as could a few years later no longer be her crutch either. I am now expected to provide a warm welcoming home, which I do, home cooked meals, family traditions, recreating what I did not have if that makes sense. I also cared for my maternal gran in her later years here in the UK, which was hard as I was late teens. She was a wonderful lady and if I am honest, with mum I think I am also trying to recreate where I think I failed my nan? I was only young, and trying to do what her daughter could/would not.

 

[T1000]

@T1000 I was amazed to read that a sibling dumped her in your home without your authority. If she is living in your home and you were the one who arranged respite care you should have been consulted before she was returned to your home. If your sibling was concerned enough to take her out of the care home, perhaps s/he could have taken her to his/her home.

He and I do not have the best of relationships for this reason, there's no respect for what I am doing, nor did he even try to talk to the care home to see what was wrong. Could have easily stood strong and got the issue sorted (in this case, the room was 'too stuffy'). Both she and he feel entitlement to our home, and she has keys. Both decided to not tell me until the day before we came home. I am glad in some ways as I would have been so so worried. He doesn't have the kind of place that could have room for her.

 

[T1000]

This thread resonates so much in mirroring many part of my life and times lately with my OH, Pauline. Almost like parallel universe ??

I am so sorry to hear this, it's very hard . I honestly describe it as feeling caught in razor wire, I am bleeding but still trying to do my best but no matter where I turn, I will not make the right decision and it hurts more.

 

[T1000]

Hi T1000 I just wanted to say I identify with SO much of what you are saying and cyber hugs are winging your way!!

My own mother is now in a care home very close to me following a fall (backwards head first down a long flight of stairs) and she has just had a diagnosis of vascular dementia. I see her around once a week but totally dread it each time. She lays on the emotional blackmail with a trowel and although I know it for what it is it still triggers me automatically with guilt for not seeing her more. Which is exactly what she wants. She is very unhappy and depressed. But this is not new at all. It's not a new state because of the dementia. She always has been negative in the extreme and now her innate anger and 'blackness' is in sharp focus as she's living close to me for the first time.
If she could only realise that, treating me with a little respect and even kindness for once instead of the unrelenting constant criticism, would result in me going to see her more. I would give anything to have an easy relaxed relationship with her for what ever time is left.

I have recently talked with the staff in the care home to get a picture of her when I'm not there - seems she is happy enough and laughs and chats. A relief, but not a picture she paints.

I am constantly told I couldn't have done more for her and I do keep that up (I do her washing, bring her here for lunch, take her out, shop for her, walk her round the grounds where she is etc etc). Her house has now been sold ( I haven't been forgiven for that) and I carefully packed everything I knew she would love to have and stored it all here. She now has a larger room with some of her things from home there.
I would give anything for her to have at least some level of acceptance or contentment and I understand completely what she has gone through. But her anger towards me is extreme and constant and wears me down. I do try hard to shrug it off and let it wash over me - she's old and facing her mortality and because of that my heart goes out to her - but, as she has all my life, she will watch and listen for a weakness that she can manipulate and then she will not let up. Our relationship hasn't always been great but she's my mum and I had hoped that being where she is (it's beautiful) would give her some happiness as she hated living on her own and was mentally losing it. She wouldn't socialise - she doesn't get on easily with other people.

After my father's death we did all we could to look after her from opposite ends of the country. When things needed doing it was having to drag her kicking and screaming to get things done - she opposes every single thing.

I understand the onus is on you. I feel the same. I had tried to get mum to agree to move nearer me for quite a while but she refused. The fall took care of the decision. But she is resentful and at times malicious. She has gone for a couple of residents in the home. She has always had huge temper tantrums. Again, nothing new.

I have a brother who lives a long way away. He rings her twice a week - then calls me straight away to offload angrily as he finds it so exasperating to even have that contact with her.

I think when you do manage to force the issue (and something will inevitably change at some point) there will be an element of relief as you won't have to face her every single day. I find that when I have just done a visit I am exhausted - after a couple of days I feel more like myself. Then as a visit looms I go downhill dreading it.

I am mainly very resilient - but the situation hangs over me constantly and sometimes produces sleepless nights. I feel rather pathetic to let it dominate like this, but, she is my mother, and I'm just a daughter wanting my mother to find at the very least some contentment. Although it has been a difficult life with her I feel sorry for her and wish with all my heart she could be ending better and finding a little peace. I guess underneath everything she's an anxious woman who exists on anger. And now an old anxious angry woman. It's unbearably sad.

I send you best wishes and wish you well, and hope that the way forward for you will begin soon.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I can't explain how much I needed to hear this. Sometimes I feel I am going crazy, and it's so hard to read the threads of mothers and daughters who have had different relationships. I have accepted that she will always be angry and depressed, and even more angry she has to not only live back in the UK now, but with me which she clearly wants to do as otherwise would choose any number iof care homes. But she never says this, and in fact it's all I would need - I am very weak and even any kind of nice words like that are something I am so desperate for, and have tried to stop expecting. But do you ever? I am sure you had the same.
None of my friends in real life have been so rejected or forced to be independent from a young age, only a couple truly understand. Mum was super cruel and negative in her 50s, I found it easier to stay in the UK, she is no longer as critical, but just unhelpful, talks to people about me, exxagerates etc. I can relate to what you say on the blackness and innate anger. I can 'feel' the anger in her like an aura if that makes sense. And the exhaustion I feel is like you say, but daily, sometimes I finish work and go to the sofa and collapse, as having her in my space most days is tiring an dthe depression seems to spread?
Her anxiety is def much worse, and a previous care home said that it's that that elevates her alzheimers to being much worse than her 'normal' days. I have given up hoping she will keep in touch with the 2 people who still call jher (she expects them to call her each time), or starting any new friendships. It's so sad, and like you, not the ending I had hoped for her. I remember reading that as they progress, their key characteristics def come to the fore, and I am finding that. I am still put down, not seen, and disrespected in my own home, with immense guilt to boot.
Am hoping that this week a care home will come back to me about a weeks' respite as after I rang them, mum had the number to call to book it but got my sibling to call instead, and neither of them decided in the end.
I feel like even once a week I would be so tired after visiting, but at least then she would maybe save her 'best' for me too, as she does for my sibling, who is always respected, she worries about, and wouldn't dare talk down to.

 

[DreamsAreReal]

@T1000 Just my opinion, but I think it's time you put yourself first for a change. The arrangement you have now sounds like it's becoming intolerable.

 

[thistlejak]

@T1000 - you have done a very good job in difficult circumstances.

I feel like even once a week I would be so tired after visiting, but at least then she would maybe save her 'best' for me too, as she does for my sibling, who is always respected, she worries about, and wouldn't dare talk down to.

I hate to burst your bubble of hope but MIL , who sees us regularly , can be 'off' with us on most visits, but still manages to be nice to BIL & SIL when they visit once or twice a year. You are her constant, the one that 'makes' her do things she doesn't want - similar to a small child towards their primary care giver - you will probably always get the worst of it. If you search on here about 'host mode' you will see that it is very common for people who don't see their PWD often to get a much more together and nicer person at visits.

 

[soguilty]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I can't explain how much I needed to hear this. Sometimes I feel I am going crazy, and it's so hard to read the threads of mothers and daughters who have had different relationships. I have accepted that she will always be angry and depressed, and even more angry she has to not only live back in the UK now, but with me which she clearly wants to do as otherwise would choose any number iof care homes. But she never says this, and in fact it's all I would need - I am very weak and even any kind of nice words like that are something I am so desperate for, and have tried to stop expecting. But do you ever? I am sure you had the same.
None of my friends in real life have been so rejected or forced to be independent from a young age, only a couple truly understand. Mum was super cruel and negative in her 50s, I found it easier to stay in the UK, she is no longer as critical, but just unhelpful, talks to people about me, exxagerates etc. I can relate to what you say on the blackness and innate anger. I can 'feel' the anger in her like an aura if that makes sense. And the exhaustion I feel is like you say, but daily, sometimes I finish work and go to the sofa and collapse, as having her in my space most days is tiring an dthe depression seems to spread?
Her anxiety is def much worse, and a previous care home said that it's that that elevates her alzheimers to being much worse than her 'normal' days. I have given up hoping she will keep in touch with the 2 people who still call jher (she expects them to call her each time), or starting any new friendships. It's so sad, and like you, not the ending I had hoped for her. I remember reading that as they progress, their key characteristics def come to the fore, and I am finding that. I am still put down, not seen, and disrespected in my own home, with immense guilt to boot.
Am hoping that this week a care home will come back to me about a weeks' respite as after I rang them, mum had the number to call to book it but got my sibling to call instead, and neither of them decided in the end.
I feel like even once a week I would be so tired after visiting, but at least then she would maybe save her 'best' for me too, as she does for my sibling, who is always respected, she worries about, and wouldn't dare talk down to.

I have everything crossed for you that it will happen soon. Your mother has had respite - now YOU need respite from the daily grind of dealing with her. You need her out of your space, I am sure then with that space between you you will be able to visit her and tolerate it. Things won't stay like this - it will happen. I hope for your sanity that will be sooner rather than later.

It sounds like she will lay guilt on you - just as my mother does to me. I find it's an impossible emotion to deal with in this situation. I have recently considered having some help to cope (a bit out of my comfort zone) with getting through all this the best I can, which I guess will involve being assisted to emotionally detach healthily and properly and hopefully with kindness. I have been meditating.

As my father was dying (he would not allow medical intervention) my brother and I took him to the end at home. The most difficult thing to deal with was my mother throughout that awful time. My father turned his head towards me one day and said he only had one regret. It was that he 'could never make her any happier'. I am discovering that I can't either. There are clearly mental issues - undiagnosed.

My brother has disconnected as much as possible. He cannot bear being near her. He supports me in his way but it is not enough. Recently mother had a stroke. I had covid. She was taken to hospital on a 999. We though it was the end. I was trying to find out what was going on and said to my brother that I would contact him as soon as I knew. I found out at midnight. But he had simply switched off his phone and gone to bed at 9.30!

When she had her fall he was furious. It was an inconvenience. My home was in the middle of being renovated. It was a building site and I walked off the site to sort everything out. He stayed away. I now accept that this is how it is. But he is the favourite! Always has been! Especially these days.

When I was fifteen mother burst into my bedroom and tried to strangle me. It was terrifying. I had been 'too quiet' which she read as rude. At eighteen I left at two in the morning and never went back. But there were times later on when we saw each other that we actually got on.

Wow I feel you and I have rather a lot in common! I honestly do not know how you're managing with your mother in your home . You have my total respect.

I am lucky in that I have a wonderful daughter. She's thirty one - her father died when she was five months old so it has always been the two of us. After a hard time with her teens we are extremely close.
As I became a mother, with all the natural motherly instincts, I began to realise, with utter clarity, how wrong my childhood had been. My mother doesn't possess maternal instincts. I guess that's sad for her? My daughter and my mother have been close however. She adores her grandmother but realises and recognises what happened to me. And she's very protective of me. And she now says I should see her less because of the damage to me.

Earlier today I looked for and found a book I'd got years ago. It's called 'The Emotionally Absent Mother' by Jasmin Lee Cori. As I flicked through it I found I had highlighted and underscored LOADS! It has helped today.
A good read and a helpful one.

 

[soguilty]

Hmmmm I think that was rather a long rant - sorry. In short I think that where a relationship has been is difficult and still is towards the end of life and where dementia is also at work, there is a further layer of complexity which is so hard to navigate and so draining emotionally. There is no answer. It is good to offload. Take care!

 

[canary]

Hello @soguilty . Do not apologise for venting on here - if you cant do it here, then where can you?
Relationships are always tricky when dementia is involved as dementia defies logic, has no filters and the person with dementia no longer behaves as they once did nor often in a social accepted way. If the relationship was difficult before dementia it makes it doubly hard as there is all that emotional baggage to carry as well.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[T1000]

I have everything crossed for you that it will happen soon. Your mother has had respite - now YOU need respite from the daily grind of dealing with her. You need her out of your space, I am sure then with that space between you you will be able to visit her and tolerate it. Things won't stay like this - it will happen. I hope for your sanity that will be sooner rather than later.

It sounds like she will lay guilt on you - just as my mother does to me. I find it's an impossible emotion to deal with in this situation. I have recently considered having some help to cope (a bit out of my comfort zone) with getting through all this the best I can, which I guess will involve being assisted to emotionally detach healthily and properly and hopefully with kindness. I have been meditating.

As my father was dying (he would not allow medical intervention) my brother and I took him to the end at home. The most difficult thing to deal with was my mother throughout that awful time. My father turned his head towards me one day and said he only had one regret. It was that he 'could never make her any happier'. I am discovering that I can't either. There are clearly mental issues - undiagnosed.

My brother has disconnected as much as possible. He cannot bear being near her. He supports me in his way but it is not enough. Recently mother had a stroke. I had covid. She was taken to hospital on a 999. We though it was the end. I was trying to find out what was going on and said to my brother that I would contact him as soon as I knew. I found out at midnight. But he had simply switched off his phone and gone to bed at 9.30!

When she had her fall he was furious. It was an inconvenience. My home was in the middle of being renovated. It was a building site and I walked off the site to sort everything out. He stayed away. I now accept that this is how it is. But he is the favourite! Always has been! Especially these days.

When I was fifteen mother burst into my bedroom and tried to strangle me. It was terrifying. I had been 'too quiet' which she read as rude. At eighteen I left at two in the morning and never went back. But there were times later on when we saw each other that we actually got on.

Wow I feel you and I have rather a lot in common! I honestly do not know how you're managing with your mother in your home . You have my total respect.

I am lucky in that I have a wonderful daughter. She's thirty one - her father died when she was five months old so it has always been the two of us. After a hard time with her teens we are extremely close.
As I became a mother, with all the natural motherly instincts, I began to realise, with utter clarity, how wrong my childhood had been. My mother doesn't possess maternal instincts. I guess that's sad for her? My daughter and my mother have been close however. She adores her grandmother but realises and recognises what happened to me. And she's very protective of me. And she now says I should see her less because of the damage to me.

Earlier today I looked for and found a book I'd got years ago. It's called 'The Emotionally Absent Mother' by Jasmin Lee Cori. As I flicked through it I found I had highlighted and underscored LOADS! It has helped today.
A good read and a helpful one.

Thank you for this and please don't worry, I have foun dit super helpful to read through. So sorry about your dad. Weirdly, with my mum's 3rd husband when he was dying it was similar in a way. As he was getting weaker, she spent less time with him and was obsesses with buying herself a new car. All her energy went to that. She fell apart when he died, and I just hope he knew when alive that he could not make her happy, no one can, and that he was much loved and appreciated even if she could not vocalise this.
I also only realised when I became a parent that childhood was meant to be so very different and have always behaved as differently as I can to what I experienced. I agree re maternal instinct, and the strange thing is, since I was very young she told me I was 'no good with babies' and my brother would 'obviously' have children but I would not. To this day she gushes how he is around his kids, who he only has visitation rights twice a month with.

As per your chocking incident, I only had one time of violence from mum, being beaten with a broom for leaving some tangerine skins on the floor around age 13. I think I became very dettached after that. I only had her due to divorce and an absent dad, so never could voice how I felty as she was my only carer as it were. I only wished to be close and a team, but her children were a drag on her and the life she 'could' have had.
Thank you for the book recommendation, I have seen some videos online which help (narcisistic personality disorder, then about the golden child also) and books wil help alot too.

 

[T1000]

@T1000 - you have done a very good job in difficult circumstances.



I hate to burst your bubble of hope but MIL , who sees us regularly , can be 'off' with us on most visits, but still manages to be nice to BIL & SIL when they visit once or twice a year. You are her constant, the one that 'makes' her do things she doesn't want - similar to a small child towards their primary care giver - you will probably always get the worst of it. If you search on here about 'host mode' you will see that it is very common for people who don't see their PWD often to get a much more together and nicer person at visits.

Yes you may have a point, she def treats hubby and I as the boring, reliable ones who she likes to argue with, neither of my siblings get this, there is also the fact I am 'just' the daughter im her mind I think. Mum displays hostess mode regularly with social worker, doctor etc, it's her pride I think.