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Just a thought regarding MIL

1954

Registered User
Jan 3, 2013
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0
Sidcup
This sounds awful but please don't shout me down

MIL loves the Day centre. She gets proper stimulation and company. The staff there say she seems to love it and chats to everybody. Joins in the singing and games and quizzes

She loves the hair dressers as she talks non stop with the hairdresser and other clients. The hairdressers commented that as soon as I walk into the hairdressers to pick her up her conversation stops abruptly

However much I try I don't seem to be able to give her that. I try hard, I take her out but she doesn't really speak to me. I do try I really do.

Hubby correctly reminded me yesterday that as she has hated me for the 35 yrs of marriage she isn't likely to change. And I agree with him. I have spent years at her place where she just ignored me for hours. I thought I had cracked her hatred over the years by being kind, never retaliating etc. MIL loves being with her son my hubby. Loves it even if he says hardly anything

This is not something we want to do BUT would she get better stimulation if she lived in a CH? I actually don't think she is 'ready' for a CH but do wonder if she would fare better as long as we take her out/visit regularly. If asked she would obviously say she would not want to go into a care home

Just a thought???
 

kingmidas1962

Registered User
Jun 10, 2012
3,535
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South Gloucs
It seems that there are situations (not just related to sufferers needing care that family cannot provide i.e. nursing) where people do thrive in a care home environment.
I wonder if this is one of them?

As far as your MILs dislike of you, my mum (depression, not dementia) seems to dislike my sister in law for no reason I can grasp. She has never 'taken' to her, even though she is unfailingly kind and does what she can for my mum (which sounds like you :)) when she sees her. SIL is coming down to 'mum sit' while I go on holiday with my family and all my mum has done is complain about her.

I think your idea is one you may want to entertain - and it would be good to continue observing her in these social situations!
 

1954

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Jan 3, 2013
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Sidcup
kingmidas1962

Thank you so much and also for not shouting me down. I want MIL to stay with us, I really do but not at the detriment of her happiness. This is hard
 
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Hair Twiddler

Registered User
Aug 14, 2012
891
0
Middle England
Hubby correctly reminded me yesterday that as she has hated me for the 35 yrs of marriage she isn't likely to change.

Kingmidas1962 said:
my mum (depression, not dementia) seems to dislike my sister in law for no reason I can grasp

I think that it's more a very real all consuming jealousy (sometimes hate - it can become this) toward the person who has taken their dearest son/daughter away from them. My mum hates my hubby too.

P.S. For those of you "old" eagle-eyed TP'ers - I achieved the 'double quote' by copiyng the code script and putting it around another clip which I wanted to quote. Just make sure that you include [,] and / in exactly the same places, then it works!
 

Eternity

Registered User
Jul 17, 2013
226
0
London
Hello 1954

Think you raise a really good and fair question. If the right/perfect carehome was found (which I know seems to be the most difficult thing) wouldn't you all be happier or at least less stressed?


Is there anything stopping you looking into what carehomes are available?

I often think like you that more company, stimulation and staff would be better for mum (and selfishly for me too), . I'm just scared off doing anything for lots of reasons. But I need to change my thinking and be open to explore options and possibilities.

I think you are amazing doing what you do, given the history of your relationship with your MiL.
 

rajahh

Registered User
Aug 29, 2008
2,791
0
Hertfordshire
contemplating that someone would fare better in a care home is a very hard place to be.

There are obviously cases where this is very true and perhaps in your case this is one of them.

If your MIL still nurses this dislike of you she will see her life as full of unhappiness, as you are always around, and anything you do will only fuel that discontent if she is determined to carry on with the dislike.

Going into a care home before they are " ready" for it though is a minefield, as if the money runs out then social services would not see her as being in need. This is only a thought of mine. Some people really do thrive on care homes and can live for many years. I did read somewhere what the average is but we have at least one member here whose mother has been in a care home for 10 years. This is a lot of money if you are self funding.

Food for thought??

Jeannette
 

lin1

Registered User
Jan 14, 2010
9,350
0
East Kent
Hello
TBPH I agree with King midas.

Have you spoken to your Husband about this
Sorry I can't remember if your MIL has gone for respite there, but maybe try a week or if possible two weeks, perhaps with the understanding that its with a view to becoming permanant, so MIL stays on if you find she is happier there and you are happy with the care they provide

I know no one wants to place their relative into full time care, but if your MIL is happier there, enjoys the companionship and loves joining in with the activities, then if it were up to me, I would certainly consider it
 

1954

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Jan 3, 2013
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Sidcup
Hello 1954

Think you raise a really good and fair question. If the right/perfect carehome was found (which I know seems to be the most difficult thing) wouldn't you all be happier or at least less stressed?


Is there anything stopping you looking into what carehomes are available?

I often think like you that more company, stimulation and staff would be better for mum (and selfishly for me too), . I'm just scared off doing anything for lots of reasons. But I need to change my thinking and be open to explore options and possibilities.

I think you are amazing doing what you do, given the history of your relationship with your MiL.

Thank you Eternity

When MIL came last November there was no way I would have even had a discussion regarding MIL in CH. But as time has gone things have changed. We managed to get the volunteer and she seems to like her company. Then of course we got Day Centre which we thought she would hate. We were very wrong. Now we are organising respite for 4 nights in CH nearby so we can have a few nights holiday. Hubby feels slowly slowly we should move to the CH scenario. Hubby would happily have her live in a CH so would his 2 sisters.........both think I am mad to care for her. Hubby doesn't want her in a CH so that 'we can get on with our life' its just what he thinks would be best for her

Funnily enough she has talked non stop to me this morning! Typical isn't it!
 
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1954

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Jan 3, 2013
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Sidcup
Talking especially since news says NHS 111 not run by NHS Direct! Or rather they are pulling out! That's what we all said at work
 

Eternity

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Jul 17, 2013
226
0
London
I've always believed that two "alpha" females in a house is never easy and one always has to back down! I guess volunteer and daycentre staff pose no threat to her for son's attention - even though I can see your not competing with your MiL.

I really don't think there is any harm in making enquiries, at least you'll know what's available and starting the research and identifying options is not a bad thing. I guess you'll know more after the respite.

Just imagine if your MiL was happy and felt just as safe as she is at home, then you and your family would be better too (less stress, not so tired, spending quality time with MiL). Why as carers can't we allow ourselves that? Just wish perfect care homes were on every street corner.

You made me smile when you said that your MiL is talking to you today. I was seriously looking into homes last year (all family think mum should have gone into home couple years ago), somehow out of the blue, my mum changed and a lot of the nasty agressiveness went which made a difference and being a softie gave up the idea of a home. What does sleep matter anyway! It's starting to matter again though as I'm not superwoman.

Start the ball rolling, nothing to lose in gathering information

No easy answer is there?

x
 

1954

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Jan 3, 2013
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Sidcup
Thank you eternity. There is no easy answer. I will start looking at homes. Just to see of course. Maybe she will thrive in respite? Who knows?
 

lilysmybabypup

Registered User
May 21, 2012
1,263
0
Sydney, Australia
I think testing the waters with respite is a very good idea. The only thing that I would worry about is your MIL deciding you're responsible for her going into care, and refusing to enjoy herself. At the moment, going to these other out-of-home places are temporary and she knows she is going to return home to be with her beloved son. Sometimes a skewed reality can result in blame being aimed at the wrong person. She may also think you've removed her from the picture so you can have hubby all to yourself, and it won't matter how often he tells his mum that it was his idea, she will choose to believe her own version. Of course, she may still be happier in care but not want to let you think that's the case. Just some other thoughts about your situation, the best of intentions can still be misconstrued.

Maybe if you try respite and it works well, your hubby could see if he can get his mum to believe it's her own idea that she stay on in the CH.

Hope things work out well for all concerned.

Stephanie, xxx
 

Miss Merlot

Registered User
Oct 15, 2012
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Wow 1954 - I can't imagine ever showing the compassion you have to someone who had been so undeservedly horrible to me for 35 years!!

If it were me, I would be looking at homes too, and wouldn't feel any compunctions about it either...
 

1954

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Jan 3, 2013
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Sidcup
I think testing the waters with respite is a very good idea. The only thing that I would worry about is your MIL deciding you're responsible for her going into care, and refusing to enjoy herself. At the moment, going to these other out-of-home places are temporary and she knows she is going to return home to be with her beloved son. Sometimes a skewed reality can result in blame being aimed at the wrong person. She may also think you've removed her from the picture so you can have hubby all to yourself, and it won't matter how often he tells his mum that it was his idea, she will choose to believe her own version. Of course, she may still be happier in care but not want to let you think that's the case. Just some other thoughts about your situation, the best of intentions can still be misconstrued.

Maybe if you try respite and it works well, your hubby could see if he can get his mum to believe it's her own idea that she stay on in the CH.

Hope things work out well for all concerned.

Stephanie, xxx

You're right. She blamed me for her diagnosis and coming here. But she seems to have forgotten that now! I do NOT want her to go into a CH and will try my best to keep her entertained as much as I can................
 

hollycat

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Nov 20, 2011
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An aunt of mine went into a CH through her own choice earlier than she should have done i.e. she didn't NEED a CH.

She made the CH her knew life, became life and soul of the place and had a very happy time.

When is the right time for a CH ? Now there's a question !
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,289
0
SW London
This sounds awful but please don't shout me down

MIL loves the Day centre. She gets proper stimulation and company. The staff there say she seems to love it and chats to everybody. Joins in the singing and games and quizzes

She loves the hair dressers as she talks non stop with the hairdresser and other clients. The hairdressers commented that as soon as I walk into the hairdressers to pick her up her conversation stops abruptly

However much I try I don't seem to be able to give her that. I try hard, I take her out but she doesn't really speak to me. I do try I really do.

Hubby correctly reminded me yesterday that as she has hated me for the 35 yrs of marriage she isn't likely to change. And I agree with him. I have spent years at her place where she just ignored me for hours. I thought I had cracked her hatred over the years by being kind, never retaliating etc. MIL loves being with her son my hubby. Loves it even if he says hardly anything

This is not something we want to do BUT would she get better stimulation if she lived in a CH? I actually don't think she is 'ready' for a CH but do wonder if she would fare better as long as we take her out/visit regularly. If asked she would obviously say she would not want to go into a care home

Just a thought???

All I can say is, you must be a MUCH nicer person than I am. If someone had hated me for 35 years I don't think I'd be too bothered what they wanted - I wouldn't be putting my own life on hold to care for them in my own home. At least, not for any longer than I absolutely had to, i.e. until a suitable care home could be found.

But regardless of what my Inner B*tch is saying, it does sound rather as if your MIL would enjoy the right kind of care home - I stress the right one - with lots going on and plenty of activities. Yes, she would probably say, if asked, that she didn't want to go, but then that is the standard reaction. You could always try it for a couple of weeks and see how she gets on.
 
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Pross

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Mar 2, 2013
221
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South east
It's an interesting thought, 1954. I sometimes feel my husband gets far more stimulation and attention on the two days he goes to a day centre. Most of the time he's at home, he spends walking round and round the house, up and down the stairs, in and out of the garden. Never settling to anything. Except when he decides to rearrange the contents of a drawer or two. Or remove all the cushions from downstairs to upstairs.
Am I in fact acting in his best interests in being determined to keep him at home for as long as I can cope?
 

zeeeb

Registered User
wherever she is happiest is where she should be, presuming that it's not destroying anyone else's happiness.

Perhaps, once she forgets that you were married to her son, she might start to like you as a stranger?

With my grandmother inlaw, she hasn't ever really known who i was, i never bothered trying to get her to understand that I'm the mother of her great grandchildren, she doesn't even seem to comprehend that she could be old enough for that malarky...

she was well into the alzheimers before I came onto the scene, so i'm just some friendly smiling stranger who's around. It's fine with me. My brother inlaw on the other hand and sister inlaw are always trying to remind and re-introduce as if she should remember, and as if it's important that she knows who her grandson in law is, and who the great grandchildren are. She's not interested in kids at all, so i'm happy for the kids to go and amuse all the other folks in the nursing home who adore them and want to give them chocolate.

I'm happy to be a nobody to her, always ready to laugh at her jokes and smile.
 

1954

Registered User
Jan 3, 2013
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Sidcup
Is there any point in getting the SS involved if MIL is self funding? Mind you I must say I am not sure the ones having POA will want to sell her place to fund it! So if that is the case should I get the SS involved if and when we decide to go ahead with CH