just a moan, im fed up.

[jan1962]

Hi all,

just come to have a moan as everything is getting on top of me, it all seems to be coming in around me and i dont know what to do.

i think the effects of MIL on assessment unit, visiting constantly and appearing to get no where. the my FIL with his health problems, heart attack then stroke so now have as many hospital appt just have no time to our selves.

OH is on about cancelling our holiday which we have had booked for nearly a year for my up coming 50, told him "see you when i get back".

spoke to SIL about all the stress and possibly canceling holiday and she did not even off to help out, to say i was hopping mad was an understatement, thats cause she is not having a holiday this year, they normally come away with us.

my head is banging my neck is stiff with the stress, have to keep this from OH as he has his on mental heath problem and dont want to tip him over the edge.

there is another sister but we dont trust her one little bit. if she is left in charge of her dad she will rob him blind, as he has lost the sight in one eye and now is having problems with his other eye, would not trust her with her mother either.

going to have a glass of wine watch the closing of the olympics then off to bed as it all starts again tomorrow, visiting hospital.


thanks

jan1962

 

[Butter]

Hi Jan - sympathy sympathy sympathy - it can be grim grim grim - the glass of wine is a good idea. But I hope you enjoy the closing ceremony more than I am enjoying it.

 

[Grommit]

Jan1962 - I think you need a big rug.

No, not a rug, sorry.

What I mean is you need a big bug.

Hang on, nearly there. You need a big jug

I give in. Perhaps I ought to go to Specsavers.

Still, I am doing better than Mr. and Mrs. Romney in America. They are dyslexic and intended calling their son Tim.

 

[Helen33]

Dear Jan,

You sound like you really, really, really need that holiday. I can only hope with all my heart and mind that you get it.

BIG (HUG) x

 

[jan1962]

Hi Jan - sympathy sympathy sympathy - it can be grim grim grim - the glass of wine is a good idea. But I hope you enjoy the closing ceremony more than I am enjoying it.

well up to now i think it is a heap off **** but that is my opinion. does not sound any better with a glass of wine.

 

[zeeeb]

i wouldn't give up that holiday for anything. Perhaps respite is in order, so that everyone is properly cared for while you are absent. You shouldn't have to give up your entire life to care for your parents, you should be able to have a couple of weeks for yourself. you deserve it.

 

[Dazmum]

Hang on to that holiday Jan, you sound as if you really need it and it will give you further strength for the future. SIL can do the caring just for two weeks or as Zeeb says can FIL have some respite care? Is there anyone else that can be brought in for that time?

 

[winda]

Hope you can get that holiday Jan, it would do both of you good. I hope you are able to persuade your husband.

 

[Big Effort]

Taking back some control

Hello Jan,

Nasty space you are in right now! I know the place very well. I think in real-world situations, this is called choosing between a rock and a hard place.

I have a degree in psychology, and my hobby is psychology, and I believe it can really help us. So forgive me if I sound pedantic. Or judgemental. I am here on the outside, seeing a familiar place, and I would dearly love to help you move away from the rocks and back onto the sunny, sandy beach!

Your problems seem to be:
1) Your own stress. I am now doing yoga nidra (can explain if you like), plus head massage, plus EFT tapping. Stress levels down and I function so much better, and life often feels good. I am seeing ways around problems, not just the problems.

2) Family. I have pretty similar problems. Just two months ago they were all being unhelpful, obstructive and down right delusional (i.e. I was exaggerating the whole dementia thing with Mum and living the high life off her resources - talking about a painful insult). The social worker here was good. She told me she rarely experienced a family who pulled together, and putting time/effort into this was key to all of our lives during and post dementia. Now I ignore (deaf ears) all negative criticism. I don't reply. I react immediately to positive input. I praise those who do anything right. When we fuss about dreadful behavior of other siblings (i.e. your unhelpful grasping sister), I point out that dementia is very challenging, and each one of us grieves differently, mostly in bizarre ways - this is true, the forum is littered with siblings doing the opposite of what helps.

3) Holiday. Before you go on holiday you have a few details to iron out. Focus on going on holiday, so who, apart from family, can keep the ship afloat PAINLESSLY? You have a good team, your partner, you, and other family members. If sister won't take responsibility, can you pay someone to do this and keep in touch while you are away. You get your holiday, and the show carries on without you.

In my view, and I know I sound like a pontificating, stuck up, insensitive swine, stress is the real issue here. In situations like this we cannot remove the stress, so the effective way of taking back some control is to increase our skills in coping with stress. I started yoga nidra (pretty boring at first, need discipline to change a life time of stress-inducing and magnifying habits) in February. All sorts of other non-stress related problems are falling away. For example, depressed state adieu!

So first step, don't focus on your problems, focus on finding solutions. And while you are on holiday read 'Learned Optimism' by Martin Seligman. This isn't at all about positive thinking and all that rot, it is a wonderful introduction into how we think/process stuff, and how to stop sliding into learned helplessness, or situations where there is no apparent solution.

I hope you can enjoy, really enjoy that glass of wine. Love BE

 

[leedsfan]

Hi Jan,

I can really relate to all you have said as I am in a similar situation, but in about an hours time I am setting off for four whole days away with OH in our caravan. The forecast is for rain, rain rain and you know what I don't care. Husband had to wake me up at 9am this is totally unheard of. My usual time is around 4am, as I wake and begin to dread my day ahead.

Yes, I will worry a bit about my Dad and I do feel a bit of guilt, its inevitable with this caring job, but I have organised some extra care for him, through SS, have cooked all his meals and done all the other stuff you have to do to ensure he'll be OK.

I've got part 2 and 3 of the 'Shades of Grey' trilogy to read!!! So will be snuggled up whilst the rain pounds down. OH has made me leave the handcuffs behind though! Google shades of grey anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about.

What I'm saying Jan is please try and get some help sp that you can go and recharge your batteries. You need to look after yourself so that you are able to care for the family that need you.

Take care of YOU.

Love Jane x

 

[jan1962]

Hi Jan,

I can really relate to all you have said as I am in a similar situation, but in about an hours time I am setting off for four whole days away with OH in our caravan. The forecast is for rain, rain rain and you know what I don't care. Husband had to wake me up at 9am this is totally unheard of. My usual time is around 4am, as I wake and begin to dread my day ahead.

Yes, I will worry a bit about my Dad and I do feel a bit of guilt, its inevitable with this caring job, but I have organised some extra care for him, through SS, have cooked all his meals and done all the other stuff you have to do to ensure he'll be OK.

I've got part 2 and 3 of the 'Shades of Grey' trilogy to read!!! So will be snuggled up whilst the rain pounds down. OH has made me leave the handcuffs behind though! Google shades of grey anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about.

What I'm saying Jan is please try and get some help sp that you can go and recharge your batteries. You need to look after yourself so that you are able to care for the family that need you.

Take care of YOU.

Love Jane x

thanks jane for your reply, i know all about shades of gray have got the trilogy loaded on my kindle ready for when we are away as i am demanding we take our holiday. have thought about asking his friend to keep an eye on him and to take on any appointments and visiting my MIL, fingers crossed.

jan1962

 

[jan1962]

Hello Jan,

Nasty space you are in right now! I know the place very well. I think in real-world situations, this is called choosing between a rock and a hard place.

I have a degree in psychology, and my hobby is psychology, and I believe it can really help us. So forgive me if I sound pedantic. Or judgemental. I am here on the outside, seeing a familiar place, and I would dearly love to help you move away from the rocks and back onto the sunny, sandy beach!

Your problems seem to be:
1) Your own stress. I am now doing yoga nidra (can explain if you like), plus head massage, plus EFT tapping. Stress levels down and I function so much better, and life often feels good. I am seeing ways around problems, not just the problems.

2) Family. I have pretty similar problems. Just two months ago they were all being unhelpful, obstructive and down right delusional (i.e. I was exaggerating the whole dementia thing with Mum and living the high life off her resources - talking about a painful insult). The social worker here was good. She told me she rarely experienced a family who pulled together, and putting time/effort into this was key to all of our lives during and post dementia. Now I ignore (deaf ears) all negative criticism. I don't reply. I react immediately to positive input. I praise those who do anything right. When we fuss about dreadful behavior of other siblings (i.e. your unhelpful grasping sister), I point out that dementia is very challenging, and each one of us grieves differently, mostly in bizarre ways - this is true, the forum is littered with siblings doing the opposite of what helps.

3) Holiday. Before you go on holiday you have a few details to iron out. Focus on going on holiday, so who, apart from family, can keep the ship afloat PAINLESSLY? You have a good team, your partner, you, and other family members. If sister won't take responsibility, can you pay someone to do this and keep in touch while you are away. You get your holiday, and the show carries on without you.

In my view, and I know I sound like a pontificating, stuck up, insensitive swine, stress is the real issue here. In situations like this we cannot remove the stress, so the effective way of taking back some control is to increase our skills in coping with stress. I started yoga nidra (pretty boring at first, need discipline to change a life time of stress-inducing and magnifying habits) in February. All sorts of other non-stress related problems are falling away. For example, depressed state adieu!

So first step, don't focus on your problems, focus on finding solutions. And while you are on holiday read 'Learned Optimism' by Martin Seligman. This isn't at all about positive thinking and all that rot, it is a wonderful introduction into how we think/process stuff, and how to stop sliding into learned helplessness, or situations where there is no apparent solution.

I hope you can enjoy, really enjoy that glass of wine. Love BE

Hi Big Effort,

thank you for your response, i have taken on board every thing you have said.

i have found a way of dealing with the stress, i do Zumba which is good physical exercise and is time to myself.

i have found a good book to read its the one everybody is talking about at the minute of course it is fifty shades of gray lol


thanks again

jan1962

 

[Big Effort]

Hi Jan,
I see 50 shades of Grey has about 1500 reviews on Amazon. Took a look at the five star reviews and the books look like a bad porn fest. Ditto the one star reviews.......
I think I'll give this a miss!

Hoping you have got things in place so you can go on holiday and enjoy the triology.
Good for you! xx BE