1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Just a message of support for you all

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by TED, May 6, 2005.

  1. TED

    TED Registered User

    Sep 14, 2004
    154
    Middlesex
    Morning everyone

    Havent been on line for a while but did want to drop in and say hello again
    Glad to see you all supporting one another and I do hope you all have a wonderful summer with many lovely days to outweigh the low ones

    Sadly Mum has been getting worse of late, becoming more disorientated around the home now and the other night had a fall outside - thankfully not a bad one I think just lost her footing while pacing up and down having a cigarette. Dad is showing signs of frustration so it is a welcome relief that we are due to go away for a week next monday. Only to a holiday caravan site down near Bournemouth but is very needed by all - including me. I am going to help Dad to have some time to chill too. Driving down and spending time going on day trips, so hopefully the weather will hold.

    What they dont know is how I need a break too, and I feel very selfish in saying this so thought I would get it off my chest here with you guys, I have issues not directly related to Mums condition but am unable to talk to either of them or other members of the family. Things have got so bad that I have been to my Dr and now seeing someone for professional councelling .... Dad would be upset if I said anything so I dont, even though I really want to as I feel it would help me (hence my feeling of selfishness)

    I hope to come back here after next week and tell you all what a great time we had, there's a part of me that thinks it will have it's challenges so any ideas or experiences are more than welcome

    TED
    - thanks for giving me somewhere to moan, it's most welcome.
     
  2. Katy44

    Katy44 Registered User

    Sep 14, 2004
    134
    Ted, I am sorry you are feeling like this, and very sorry to hear your Mum is getting worse, but it is very important that you do talk to someone, and it sounds like you're going to.
    Without knowing your other problems this may not be appropriate, but would there be other forums or groups you could join as well that deal with them? Of course professional help is a good idea too, but I'm just thinking about times you may just want to have a moan at 2am!
    (PS it's not selfish to have other concerns as well - it's human!)
    Hope you have a good time on your holiday and everything goes smoothly
     
  3. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    Hi Ted,

    I can relate to your feelings of selfishness about needing a break for yourself too. It sounds so petty when it is our parents who are going through the roughest times. My Dad is in a Home now, so strictly speaking Mum is not the carer any more but, quite naturally, her world still revolves around visits to my Dad.

    I work part time and, on a lot of my days off I was seeing Mum in the morning (taking her shopping, out for trips etc.) and then visiting Dad in the afternoons. I enjoy this too but it is also a strain. I try to stay jolly for Dad and also for Mum while watching her constantly on edge.

    I'm lucky enough to have a sister who shares responsibility but I suppose after all the years of our parents being responsible for us, a small part of me resents having to do the same for them and this must be worse if other areas of your life are not going well. I have begun to learn to pace myself (I know - not a luxury that true carers can afford) and do not see them every day I'm off work now. That way I feel I have a life too! And there you go - now I've written all that I feel the guilt at my selfishness again!

    Hope you have a nice holiday!
     
  4. TED

    TED Registered User

    Sep 14, 2004
    154
    Middlesex
    Thanks guys for the replies, always welcome to hear and get support / understanding from .

    I am always lifted and happy when visiting my parents as I do not want them to worry about me they have enough to deal with, sadly I dont feel the support is there from other members of the family but that is something I have to contend with as indeed Mum and Dad do too.

    Next week will be good I am beginning to come round to thinking it will now. Lately I have always looked at things and worried what the worse case could be, whereas I always used to be a positive person, I do put this down to all the recent changes at home.

    Katy - thank you for your kind words too, I have found this an excellent place to talk about things even if it means I go 'off topic' now and again, but I hope that is ok. I wouldnt want to churn everything out here about me, because it is my folks that are in need of help and support, but it's just the combination of stress anxiety, depression related to the condition, the lack of support from the family, my own ill health and a feeling of guilt that I just want to run away from the whole situation.

    The important thing for me is that next week is about Mum and Dad having a good time and not worrying at all. I will be there to help, laugh, joke and support them (oh and I'm driving....guess I'll have to ease off the gas a little rather than driving like Stitling Moss) I will try and enjoy it too, and then arrange some time away myself. money is another problem but imagine that is true for 99% of us.

    Thanks once again
    hope I can be more positive after next week

    TED xx

    - daisy says hi too
    - well actually she says mooo x
     
  5. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hi Ted, long time no hear from you. Sorry that things are not going smoother. This is the place however to get things off your chest. Just been through a slight illness and the feeling of depression, AND THE WANTING TO RUN AWAY FROM IT ALL. I think most carers wear that tee shirt. It is O.K. to feel this way, we are only human, and carers are not selfish, so cut yourself some slack.

    Try and have a good week with Mum and Dad, and post again soon. Regards, Connie.
     
  6. TED

    TED Registered User

    Sep 14, 2004
    154
    Middlesex
    Hello all

    Well we had a good time last week, great weather and managed to keep mum amused with trips out and stuff. Plenty of walks and though I managed to get a bit of swimming in too it was not a holiday for me, I was there to try and help the two of them enjoy it.

    Best thing of all is that we managed to last the week, I had expected / feared that by Tuesday Mum would be wanting to come home, but she seemed well and though sleep was a struggle (I was up all night for the whole week, which didnt help) mum stayed the course and only really complained about the cold - it was boling hot all week and we even had the heating on full but no use, she was wrapped up ready for an arctic expedition !!

    So I just got back into the office today but feel wrecked emotionally and physically now, really need a holiday, this wasnt one where you could sit around for too long, if anyone goes to the new forest for a break I do recommend it, and make sure you take the boat ride from Hythe across the solent water.

    Hope you all well here, will keep popping my head around now and again. Got my therapy / councelling session again tomorrow so will leave everything else for her.

    cheers
    TED
     
  7. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hi Ted, glad the holiday was a success for your parents but sorry to hear you are exhausted. Try to get a few early nights, love to you and say hello or moo to Daisy! Love She. XX
     
  8. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi Ted
    glad your holiday was ok,not surprised that you were exhausted!!
    We were away last ,peg and me,some one said did I have a good holiday?
    What holiday?I did just the same as being at home.
    I'm getting to be a grump
    cheers Ted
    Norman :(
     
  9. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Welcome back Ted & Norm. Won't ask you if you enjoyed your break, just to say well done for all you do. Take care, Connie
     
  10. TED

    TED Registered User

    Sep 14, 2004
    154
    Middlesex
    Norman, I know exactly how you feel, and you done more than me cos I had Dad there to help out (doing the daily things he always does like dressing Mum) I at least was able to help during the day, making breakfast, driving, being there when we're out, just enough to mean that Dad wasnt doing it all, but I still came away feeling that I should be doing more.

    Monday was the worst day for me, coming back into the office and everyone asking if I enjoyed the holiday.....what holiday.....I am a terrible grump now Norman so you are not alone. Worse than that I dont see a way to snap out of it and speaking with a close friend and colleague here she tells me that I have changed and if I dont lighten up will alienate the few friends I have left here. Great thanks mate just what I need a dwindling support.

    Thats what I hate most (well second then) about this situation. How it affects those that try to help and care and the feeling that I have that my friends and social life have deserted me for good. Is it any wonder im in therapy.....

    Continue to feel run down, but every time I feel sorry for myself all I think of is mum and dad and how they live with this every day. Cant wait for the day I get to meet God upstairs as I'm going to give him a good kick up the a**e for this.

    Wishing everyone here a lovely sunny Tuesday
    Take care
    lv TED
     
  11. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    There you go Ted,you know how I feel about holidays.
    You say you are also becoming a grump.
    Doesn't this show that you are not unique,that there are many more ,apart from you and me,who feel the same.
    Stop punishing yourself,you are doing the very best that you can for your folks,I am sure there are many parents would love to have a Son like you.
    Grump when you feel like it
    All best wishes
    Norman
     
  12. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hello the grumps! Yes, you do find out who the fair weather friends are when dementia moves into town don't you. But I also found that new friends moved in too, folk from the carers/Alz groups, care assistants that came to help and have now become firm friends, even after Mum's death, who now visit and we all go out to lunch etc or what ever. As they say, when he closes a door he opens a window. Life changes, but it can still be meaningful and worth while. Love She. XX
     

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