Just a bit scunnered.

[Dottie 1]

My FIL had to move in with us five years ago after a diagnosis of vascular dementia. I work from home and my sister in law lives in England so it seemed like the best solution....someone would be here for him, I guess that would be me. After five years I think I have had enough.

He is physically ok, thought is prone to falling at the moment, he is 90 now, his memory is very poor. I just seem to spend my days running up and down from my office in the garden (he got my office in the house and I had to move out into a shed) to check he is ok. I've just had a morning where he fell over in the bathroom, I had to get him up, clean him up as he had wet himself, dress him and get him to the breakfast table, he was ok but unfortunately he'd knocked over the wash hand basin pedestal and burst a tap, cue emergency plumber...he was totally oblivious to the chaos. Lunchtime is the usual chewing food then picking it out of his mouth as its 'too hard' and also spilling most of it over himself and the floor....cue another clean up.

I know I sound like a grumpy cow, however this has been my day for the last five years. I also am a mum, I am self employed and very busy though not getting any work done due to the constant interruptions and trying to keep the house together. My kids are getting very tired and finding it harder to see their grandad become this stranger but also frustrated as we can do NOTHING together anymore as we cannot leave him alone I the house.

My husband is wracked with guilt that I am left with him all day but he has to go out and earn a living.

He just started a day care trial last week so my one saving grace is that I can try and catch up with a weeks work in one day....my sister inlaw cannot help as her husband won't have him, as she refused his mum and she also has a very ill grandson at the moment.

I just want him to go to sleep and not wake up.

Apologies it's been a bad day and I think I'm going to burst.

 

[cheeky1]

my heart goes out to you! I care for my Dad who is still in his own house and when he cant manage Im afraid he wil need to go to a nursing home as I couldnt cope with him living with us.I think you are doing a terrific job but perhaps the time has come to think of your family.Time passes and you will never get back the days you are missing your FIL
would agree if he was himself that you have already went above and beyond time to be selfish !!!

 

[Nick99]

Hi Dottie 1

I don't know how you mange and I worry that the situation will only get worse. When you're feeling a bit better I suggest you talk to your husband about the future as you cannot go on as you are. You mention some problems but we all know there are the constant daily problems, the constant repetition of questions, trying to be pro-active in solving problems before they arise. I think you have already acted above and beyond what can be expected.
I'm sure the current problems will recede but only to be replaced by others. I urge you to extricate yourself somehow as I cannot imagine how I would cope in your circumstances. We refused my FIL after a 9 week trial because of the strain, had we persevered it would have dragged us all down. He lives on his own and has some carers, to be honest he does not cope very well but he will not go into a home.
Its time to look after yourself and do not beat yourself up.

 

[Izzy]

Hi Dottie. The situation sounds awful. I had my mum (vascular dementia) staying with us for the last few years of her life. I was working full time and it was hard going. My saving grace though was our Carers.

Do you have any support re your FIL's care? I'm taking it from your use of the word scunnered you're in Scotland! At the very least he is entiled to free personal care for the elderly here. I'm sorry if you already have been down this line. It's just in case. Free PC is 3 hours a day as far as I know. My husband has Alzheimer's and we have that 21 hours plus 4 hours social care which is from his own contribution. I use direct payments and use the hours over 4 days. He goes to the Alz Scot Day Centre one day and i provide the care myself for the remainder of the week.

It may be that even that level of care is not enough for your situation but I thought I would mention it.

 

[Dottie 1]

Thanks folks, I'm just a bit low!

He does have someone now showering him after we had to renovate the family bathroom with a walk in shower which I am glad of now as I have had to sort him out after a few accidents, they come twice a week and are brilliant with him.

The day care is to tomorrow , hooray, and I'm keeping everything. Crossed that is increased to two days....

I think I know myself that he needs to go into residential care for the sake of our family but we are all so guilt ridden at the thought of it.

Thanks for your responses, it's so good to know there are others put there. I've been on this for three years now but forgot my password (ironically) and logged in again today with another email! Thanks, I'm off to have some dinner with my lovely 17 year old as her dad is working late and try to stop grandpa going to bed too early....otherwise we are up a midnight! It's like having a toddler all over again...!

 

[Noorza]

Dottie you are an angel, I find it exhausting being mum's carer and she doesn't live with me. It's not even your blood relative but your FIL, he is living with you. You deserve a halo never mind a medal.

 

[Witzend]

You don't sound remotely like a grumpy cow to me - you're just being honest about having had enough, and who on earth can blame you?

It was similar for us when my FILwas living with us, but I didn't last 5 years, or anything like it. Like you I was working from home - or trying to - but unable to get anything much done because of the constant interruptions. None of us, inc 2 daughters coming up to important exams, was ever getting a proper night's sleep - he was up and down, shouting and banging doors,etc. And he couldn't safely be left alone even for half a hour.

To be honest, when normal family life is continuously disrupted to this extent, I do think it's time to think about residential care. Other people's lives are important, too. We did feel awful at first about putting FIL into a care home, but I don't think I could have gone on much longer. My OH was also away a lot at the time,sometimes for a few weeks at a time, and although he was very good with him when he was home, it was nearly all falling on me,all day and all night. And I had had enough.
Just once we got BIL and SIL to have him for a few days to give me a break. BIL came at lunchtime to fetch him
- under duress I might add - he had wanted me to put him in a cab to go fro SW to N London! God knows what would have happened - he'd have been asking every 30 seconds where thy were going and would probably have got out in the middle of some busy street. Or flown into a rage if the doors were locked - it didn't bear thinking about. But after they left I well remember collapsing on the sofa and sleeping for four hours solid.

After all that, what i really want to say is, please don't feel you have failed or are selfish if you feel you can't do it any more. You have done so much more than many ever do, and those of us who have been there know exactly how hard and exhausting it can be.

 

[moonshadow]

Dottie1 it is so normal to feel you have to escape this situation or it will ruin your private and professional life. We have to earn a living after all...

thought of having a carer for a couple of hours per day? or take him to nursing home?

radical and emotionally-distanced solutions are needed.

PS interruptions by the carer kill me as well lol

 

[Dottie 1]

Thanks everyone.....so nice to know you guys are all there. Much better today, thank you day care....had a few hours to myself and even managed a long quiet walk with the dog at lunchtime, bliss! Yes, I think we are needing to discuss his care in our house. Our kids have done brilliantly, both studying for important exams too and passing, how they did it who knows.

We are lucky in that FIL has never become too aggressive, there was a spell but that passed and he is now a wee old confused man...but yes,being woken up by him watching his telly at 2.45 am at volume 100 is not fun!

I'll keep you posted....thanks again x