Just a bit of advise about my dad would help

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by rowtalk, Apr 24, 2015.

  1. rowtalk

    rowtalk Registered User

    Jun 13, 2014
    i am following on from a thread that I had posted a little while ago now on the second page lots of people reading noone in this area is replying. I have been moved because I was on the area that says "I have a partner or spouse with dementia" I thought that was the right area as I do not care for my dad at home he is in a Care/Nursing home but I am trying to get as involved as much as I can.
    My mum died in a residential home in March 2013 and my dad has had to sell the family home to self fund the care/nursing home so i have lost such a lot in a small space of time. Now he is poorly, he has had vascular dementia diagnosed about 2 and half years ago, he also has gloucoma, catahachts in both eyes, he is deaf in both ears and has arthritis.
    Three weeks ago he has been struck with a nasty water infection then a chest infection and oral thrush, to me he is still not getting better, although he has an air bed, I was told yesterday he has a small bed sore on his bottom and he also fell out of bed the other night, I am at my wits end and soooo worried about him although I think he is better there than in hospital I really do not know what to do next????
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    Rowtalk I'm so sorry to read about your dad. I can understand how worried you must be. You're posting in the right part of the forum and I'm sure others will be along to share their thoughts with you.

    Sometimes these infections do take a long time to shake off. I wondered if you have had a chance to meet with the doctor who is overseeing your dad's care. If not I think it would be a good idea to do so.
  3. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    I think the main reasons why people don't reply to a heartfelt plea is either they don't see the message (because it's not high up on the Today's Posts part of the site); or because they can't think of anything that would help.

    With a chronic, only partly understood, very variable illness like dementia there's an awful lot of hanging round waiting and hoping for some improvement (or for some help from somewhere). You'd have had sympathy from all of us in the same boat ... but unfortunately it was silent sympathy.
  4. Suzanna1969

    Suzanna1969 Registered User

    Mar 28, 2015
    Rowtalk bless you I have posted before with no response and felt very despondent but as posted above it can be because nobody fully understands, nobody knows what to say or doesn't actually see it. Too many different categories and sub-forums here IMHO.

    I cannot offer you advise for your particular situation but didn't want you to think that nobody cared. xxx
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    It`s true people often don`t reply because they can`t think of anything useful to say.

    Sometimes problems are so complicated and distressing and unless others have experienced something similar they often feel out of their depth.

    I do hope your father`s infections clear row talk. He does sound poorly.
  6. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    Yes I would agree, sometimes it is hard to reply when there is really nothing but sympathy to be offered - not because we don't care but more, I think, because we cannot offer anything more constructive.

    As Also has said you have our heartfelt sympathies, you are going through such a lot and your poor Dad is clearly suffering which must be awful for both of you.

    Do speak to your Dad's doctor and see what they can tell you about his current problems and the slightly longer term prognosis. And spend as much time as you can with Dad as that will, I'm sure, be good for both of you.
  7. starryuk

    starryuk Registered User

    Nov 8, 2012
    Hello rowtalk,

    I can imagine how worried you are feeling and am sorry that your poor dad is so unwell.

    When I suspected problems with my mum in her CH, I used to tell them I wanted her added to the appointment list for the doctor's next visit and make sure I was there. Then I guess I made a nuisance of myself:D.

    It is a good idea to speak to the doctor yourself so you can ask the questions you need to. Perhaps about which antibiotics have been tried and if there anything else which might help.

    Let us know how your dad gets on. I wish him well...and you of course.
  8. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    Sometimes I read a post and have little to say. Ie: infection can be healed with antibiotics.

    About pressure wound:

    -it is a big pain.
    -It is avoidable.
    -it can be healed, on months.
    -it is a "open door" to any infection.
    -my mother had it. I would try to discover from where are it. (Chair or bed).
  9. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East
    Where is your dad now? At home or in a care home.
    I don't understand why he had to sell his home to pay your mums care home fees either. I would certainly look into that and at the very least try and get that money diverted into care for your dad right now. Not sure if that can be done but worth at least looking at.
    It sounds like he has had a run of bad luck with infection after infection. Hopefully with the weather improving, so will his health.
    Do keep posting, even if people don't reply it doesn't mean they don't care just sometimes nothing appropriate to say.
  10. rowtalk

    rowtalk Registered User

    Jun 13, 2014
    I went to see my dad today, i go to see him 3 times a week, my brother goes to see him once a week, I work full time and have two lads who both have dyslexia and one of them also has dyspraxia so I am pretty busy. My dad is still unwell the bump on his head which he had when he fell out of bed on Wednesday looks pretty bad it is black and I can see that it did cut slightly on the top and there is a small amount of dried blood, he is taking another lot of anti biopics to clear the oral thrush, he still has a cough and when I went in his room today he is just lying in his bed staring into space above him, he just keeps dropping off, he also apparently has a small pressure sore on his bottom, which they are keeping an eye on. I use to work for the doctors surgery that my dad is under many years ago, I will try to talk to the doctor to find out his/her thoughts.

    I did not seem to make myself clear regarding his house sale:

    In October 2012 my mum went into hospital dehydrated, my dad did not at that stage show any symptoms of dementia, my mum was due to come out of hospital on 11th December on the understanding that she would sleep downstairs and a new hospital bed was placed in the front room, but in the mean time my dad started to go downhill with his memory very quickly then December 10th 2012 my dad smashed up the downstairs windows and front door in the night, the neighbours called police and ambulance and he was taken to hospital where he was diagnosed with having had two small strokes, vascular dementia, and water infection, so mum could not come out when she should have, they kept both on different wards in same hospital, mum started to deteriate so sent to a different hospital to recuperate so Christmas 2012 first christmas mum and dad apart for 60 yrs. Then both parents in residential home together January 2013, March 13 two days before they both should go home and their 61st wedding anniversary mum passed away. So dad went to a sheltered accommodation in April 13, Nov 13 dad had hip replacement, then to another hospital for recuperation, sheltered accommodation would not have him back as they think that he could not look after himself well enough, and also (he is Latvian) and lots of times reverts to his mother tongue and none can understand him - I cannot talk Latvian by the way - so he (me) is left again looking for help, he came out of hospital/recuperation December 2013 then once social workers got a sniff that he has a house for sale and there was no way he could go back there and look after himself he went to a residential home and the clock started ticking for his 12 week disregard, its been a nightmare, he has been at this care/nursing home now for since March 2014, but to me they are all the same.
    Thanks for reading
    Thanks for your replys
    I will let you know how he gets on
  11. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    Oh rowtalk what a lot on your plate, do keep sharing and chatting here, I hope you can sort things out x
  12. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East
    Thanks for clearing that all up, now I understand. I thought social services had been over zealous but obviously not.
    Your dad being in residential care will have people around him so that must give you some peace of mind. This journey is so hard isn't it. I'm sure if the carers have noted a pressure area that is breaking down they will do all they can to help heal it. With being run down and having all these infections it will have been difficult to mobilise him or get him to stay off when he feels comfortable even if it is causing a sore. I don't envy them at all.
    Keep going and try our best to keep your chin up. You have support here at the very least xx big hugs xx
  13. 99purdy

    99purdy Registered User

    Oct 31, 2014
    Hi Rowtalk, goodness you have had a lot to contend with. I can not offer much advice really, only to let you know there are lots of people on here who will be thinking of you. We were told Dad was probably going to pass when he got pneumonia. He didn't and is back at his nursing home causing havoc!! It really is a roller coaster journey and until you experience it you have no idea. Just to let you know we are all thinking of you and keep posting, it helps to get it off your chest. Thinking of you x
  14. rowtalk

    rowtalk Registered User

    Jun 13, 2014
    Thank you all for your replies, it really helps.
    i rang my dad's doctor today to ask for a telephone consultation, but they never rang, I rang back to ask but they receptionist did not put it on the computer, so they have booked me in for Wednesday morning, I will see him tomorrow night, hope he is a bit better???

    Thank you again for your reply
  15. rowtalk

    rowtalk Registered User

    Jun 13, 2014
    Hi I have been to see my dad several times since the last time I placed any thing on this site, to me he is deteriorating, he is in bed every time I go to see him, he has had a blood test the nurse at the home says its for his tablets he is taking for his dementia, she also says that he is eating and drinking a little bit more but his mobility is zero, they are trying to persuade him but he just gets tired and wants to go back to bed, his pressure sore is not any worse but not much better, and the bump on his head is very black round by his ear. I asked his GP to ring me which she did today, she must have said his age (88) at least 3 times in the conversation, she also seems to think that he is deteriorating, she told me that the blood test is to check his liver and pancreas as these sometimes have problems when a patient is lying down all the time, also says she is in limbo as to weather he should be in hospital, she has also asked me to discuss with my brother if he needs to be resuscitated if we want this to go ahead "because of his age" I am getting really worried now, do not know where to go from here, me or my brother have not got POA for health and well being either??
  16. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East
    It really is difficult to say what to do. As far as resuscitation is concerned I would discuss with your brother what you think is for the best before you decide. I'm not sure where you start and stop with these things.
    It's hard for you at this time xxx
  17. rowtalk

    rowtalk Registered User

    Jun 13, 2014
    Thank you again for your reply, I have been to see my dad several times since my last response , just to let everyone know I went to see him today and he was still in bed but he did not cough while I was there, but was unsure where he was thoughthe was in a hospital in Wales (when he first came to England he arrived in Wales) he seems to think that people were trying toget him to work even though they know how old he was, he is still immobile and was saying he has been to the toilet several times and was getting quite abusive as to when he was going to be cleaned he started shouting which is not normally like him, I left when carers came to clean him,I then received a call from my brother who told me that he was sitting in a chair waiting for his lunch and according to another carer he has managed to take a couple of steps so things see tone looking up thanksagainfor all your replys and help
  18. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    It take hours to get a pressure sore and months to heal. ( my mom had weekly appointment with a skin doctor for months)

    About asking about DNR. It is important that you and your brother talk about. I presume your answer seems 'no', so let your brother know about it.

    It is good that he is sitting (hope he is not sitting on pressure sore).
  19. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East
    About the dnr, I personally would want my dad to be treated and cared for but if he had a cardiac arrest then I would let him go at that point.
    That is my opinion on my dad who has Alzheimer's and vascular dementia. He is elderly (84) and shuffles, is incontinent but enjoys a good quality of life. (He enjoys company, eats well and can move about independently)
    That's my thoughts and everyone is different. X
  20. rowtalk

    rowtalk Registered User

    Jun 13, 2014
    #20 rowtalk, May 4, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: May 15, 2015
    Thank you for this, by the way I am female - not that it matters. I have spoken to my brother about DNR and his thoughts are yes, but I am not sure about it I would rather know the outcome of both if a yes or a no before making my choice.
    But dad seems to be getting better except his pressure sore that will obviously take some time to get better especially if he does not seem to get off his bottom for long enough to heal properly.

    Regards Rowtalk x

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