Judgmentalism

[Skye]

I've never been a great fan of Esther Rantzen, but this article is superb. It's about reactions to the death of a partner, but most of it would equally apply to the death of any close relative.

It's a great lesson that people find their own ways to deal with pain, and that none of us have the right to judge.


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=422512&in_page_id=1879

 

[Grannie G]

It is a good article, Hazel.
I`m afraid I`ve been as guilty as anyone in being judgemental of people who appear to have made a remarkable recovery following bereavement, but I will think twice, in future. Sylvia

 

[Helena]

Without knowing the history of the relationship none of us should be judgemental of how others grieve or not as the case maybe

My sister fell apart with our Mothers death while i got on with all the practical issues and still do .

My Mother treated myself and my sister very very differently indeed

She was several very different people to both family and friends and neighbours in fact its hard to even believe the person her friends and neighbours describe to the person i knew

Hence for me her death is an immense relief not grief while for my sister its a huge loss

 

[Áine]

thanks Hazel, i think that's a really good article. not only does it make a lot of sense, it's easy to read as well. i think she points to issues which (however well intended they might be) make grieving even more difficult than it already is. i see lots of patients who are struggling with grief, and many of them are not only struggling with their feelings, but struggling also with stuff about what they're seen to be feeling and whether that's "right" and whether it's what they "should" be feeling. too much apparent grief and people are uneasy "you should be over it by now" ...... too little and they're uneasy again - it looks like you don't care. I've also seen lots of people tangled up in the "stages of grief" plan - confused because they don't know "which stage they are in", or that they're "doing them in the wrong order" or "seem to be going backwards through them".

I'm sure that comments and the stages of grief info can be well meant (and even helpful at times) but they can also make grieving a minefield of "shoulds" and "oughts" when that's the last thing that is helpful.

 

[Tender Face]

I agree, Skye - quite brilliant .... thanks for sharing that.....

(PS: Don't judge me - but I AM a fan of Esther's ..... what she has done for children through Childline is stunning...... anyone who 'speaks up' in a constructive way for others who can't or feel they can't gets my vote!!!!)

Love, Karen, x

 

[Skye]

OK, I take that back! I agree, Childline is doing a great job.

I just can't get out of my mind her perched on a stool showing vast expanses of leg, making stupid comments about carrots! But then, Childline came out of That's Life, didn't it?

Sorry, I was being judgmental!!!!!

 

[Tender Face]

Dear Skye!!!!!

Not judgmental at all .... just expressing a personal choice... huge difference.... non?

Truth I was never a 'fan' of her TV programmes (who was that guy who did the 'Odes'?) and didn't it spawn Victoria Woods' career? - in which case Esther should be a Dame for that alone in my opinion!!!!)

Just my call, but I admire people like Esther - even if I don't particularly like them.... (and absolutely agree funny looking vegetables didn't do a lot for me ) who use their 'position' to speak up, speak out and make a difference.....

Anyone doing that out there for AS just now?

Love, Karen, x

 

[Áine]

Cyril Fletcher? I'd forgotten all about That's Life till this thread. Used to love it as a kid.

 

[Tender Face]

Yikes Aine!

Thanks! Cyril Fletcher! That leather armchair.... then Richard Stillgoe on a piano? Remember him ...????? next you'll be telling me you were allowed to stay up late when it got switched to Sunday nights .... but only if you'd finished homework listening to the TOTP countdown on the radio.......????

Karen, x

 

[Cate]

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh will you lot cut it out, you are making me feel very old....................... used to GO OUT after That's Life' and TOTP, homework, cor, can I remember that far back.

Oh well, best I get back to my rocking chair.

Love

Cate

 

[Brucie]

I agree that the article is a very good one. I like Esther's spirit, and think "That's Life" was very good [so my parents told me, I was too young to stay up for it... ]

The program did cause me damage however - see attached picture taken while cooking, and ever-so-slightly edited afterwards...

 

[Skye]

Bruce, That's awful. But are you sure it's the right way up?

 

[mel]

Hmmmmm hazel......I've just stood on my head to look at brucies photo.....looks quite different upside down......

 

[alex]

Hiya Hazel

Thanks for the article..............i totally agree, i have a family who expect me to be strong, then become judgmental when i am!

I liked Esther...........because she's a strong woman............and at the risk of starting a political debate i also admire Maggie Thatcher! .......Girl Power!

Love Alex x

 

[Tender Face]

Spot on Alex!

That's the key isn't it? We can admire someone for their qualities even if we don't like them or agree with them, their views or what they stand for .. in danger of getting philosophical .... will go spend some time studying Brucie's picture......

Karen, x

 

[alex]

Hiya Karen

Thats right, i wouldn't say i agreed with everything Maggie done, but i so admired her strength in sticking to her guns..........she done what she believed was right at the time and stood up to take the flak when she got it wrong! no one gets it right all the time! I'll stop now, otherwise it'll become a PPB on dumping Tony Blair!

Like the photo Bruce..........looks a bit like rude-olph, but without the horns!........and before wendy steps in to correct me..........o.k. antlers!

Love Alex x

 

[Brucie]

But are you sure it's the right way up?

We all know potatoes have eyes sometimes. In this case, the eyes have it, and it IS the right way up.

Skye, you may well be responsible for a rush of emergency visits to surgeries now, and a blip in the NHS statistics for neck injuries. Bad Girl!

 

[Skye]

Sorry Bruce. It's just that my head is permansntly upside-down these days.

 

[Tender Face]

Thinking of events in Suffolk

Sorry to bring this thread back to the serious ..... but for what it's worth thought I'd share my thoughts on what has been a frenetic day (personally) but nothing compared to what at least five families are going through just now in Suffolk....

Aside from the 'judgments' being bandied about re legalising drugs and/or prostitution..... I have just felt for the parents of young women who have been lost, three times over it seems ... first to drugs, then the means to feed their need and now the almost unthinkable.....

Kind of put a few things into perspective .... and thanks again, Syke.... that article was so thought provoking ... not just in 'dementia world'....

Love to all, Karen, x

 

[alex]

I think the sooner they legalize prostitution the better..............there are lots who do it to feed a habit but there are also hundereds of women out there who do it to feed their kids, the drugs come later, as means of helping them to cope with the daily horrors they have to live with..........i for one take my hat off to them, its not something i could ever do, they must be so, so desperate!
I think legalizing it would give greater control, better health and a safer enviroment for them..............its not for me to judge their actions and after all, they are someone's children!

Love Alex x