1. boomer

    boomer Registered User

    Nov 21, 2005
    peak district england
    just want to say hello .....my dad has alzheimers and is diabetic....it has all come to a head at the weekend ,my mum,who is main carer has a drink problem and my sister did an "unscheduled "visit to find her incapable .......she was extremely abusive ..i have the problem of being too far away to be of any help and my sister is traumatised over events ...they have a social worker and mum has been refusing any help offered by them ...it has now come to the point that my dad is going into respite ,initially for 2 weeks then to be reviewed ...purely so that he is safe ,and hopefully so mum can get herself sorted out .......although i used to work in the care system ,i am feeling a bit dazed over it all ....a friend passed this site on to me ....anne x
  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Dear Anne, welcome to the family. You are going to have to put a lot of faith in your social worker, and just spell out to them the problems. Don't be too hard on your mum in all this. Caring for a loved one with any form of dementia is enough to turn you to drink, and if she had the problem before hand I know it will only get harder.

    I am sure they will not let dad leave respite care without making sure he is safe.
    You can only do what you can under the circumstances. Connie
  3. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    Hey anne, have had a sleep now so am not so loopy.... :p

    As I said in my other post I had the feeling that our situations are very similar and despite the age gap, this post of yours confirms it more for me. We had a very similar sounding episode with Dad...

    My mum doesn't drink but Dad was regularly getting hit by her, because she wasn't coping and because she's always had a kind of abusive relationship with Dad even though they both love each other dearly. Their situation came to a head one weekend too when she hit him (more than usual), he threatened her back, she felt like he might kill her or she might kill him and thankfully had the common sense for once to call for help. The doctor assessed the situation and put Dad in a pysch ward for a week to take him away from her. She initially told me it was for her protection and that nobody was allowed to visit him because he was dangerous but when I went to just ask at the hospital to make sure he was okay they told me that the only person who wasn't allowed to visit him was my mum and it appears that he was put there more for his protection. :eek: A very distressing situation because despite the abuse Dad adores (is dependent) on her, and despite her nasty ways she loves him too. So I get angry at her, but then Dad needs her and I realise that she too is miserable and needs help too. Nobody thinks i should be mad at her because she has had so much to deal with but I also feel that another person in her place wouldn't behave the way she had/does and its just a rehash of the same stupid behaviour I have seen all my life. She behaves badly, everyone gets hurt, but in the end she is the one who is pitied (and somewhat rightly so) but I wish she would just be a stronger better person that we don't have to always get hurt for.

    I know again there are dissimilarities in our situation but I just wanted to say i am here if you need some understanding for I know how it feels to be worried about both parents, be angry that one is so faulty (and I am not talking about the dementia sufferer!) be at the same time worried about the faulty one no matter how mad they make you and feel like there is no good answer. Am in the weird situation where I have to support and care for my mother, but am angry at her for what she has done to Dad through a faulty part of her which was apparent a long time before he got the disease all the while being worried for Dad and knowing that he wants her in his life nonetheless, trying to decide what is more damaging for him, being with her or not. I remember being at the psychologists when I was trying to deal with it all and her saying that it was her duty to report my mum to the authorities because she was abusive but I begged her not to take action because I felt that being cared for Mum at that point was better for Dad despite all the abuse then him being cared for the system. Sadly she could see my point. There are also a lot of lies in my mum's relationship, she lies to herself and she lies to me and others, probably more to the point she bends the truth. Then we are put in the situation where in ways we lie to cover up for her as well, who wants to admit to people that their mum hits their dad who has dementia, who wants to see her treated like an abuser (which she probably deserves) when she doesn't acknowledge that she has a problem and would probably become even more damaged if she couldn't hold onto her fantasy that she doesn't have a problem? Oh how messy life can be.

    As if this situation with Dad having dementia wasn't bad enough!
  4. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    #4 Lynne, Nov 22, 2005
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2005
    Hello Anne, and welcome to TP;

    I'm so sorry you are faced with this doubly distressing situation. However, the fact that your Dad is presently in respite care may be a turning point for one or both of your parents.

    Your Dad will have better access to the medical care he needs, both for diabetes control and AD, and perhaps some of the meds. which reduce or control the symptoms (of course, there is no magic bullet by way of a cure) may improve his health, at least short-term.

    Obviously I have no way of knowing if your Mum's drink problem is worsened by (or even caused by?) the strain of caring for your Dad, but it's a pretty safe bet that extra stress hasn't helped at all! This break may well enable her to get help with her alcoholism (especially with some support by the social worker?) and re-evaluate her situation.

    Hopefully your sister's distress will be eased somewhat by the fact that Dad will be somewhere safe, and getting the care & treatment he needs. Whilst she may be traumatised, perhaps she will be able to feel she is doing some good by visiting Dad and Mum, separately, and being able to address their different problems singly, rather than walking into the previous chaotic situation at home. However, if possible don't leave her to continue to deal with it alone. I know you said you are "too far away", but there are phones & trains & cars … I'm not getting at you, but I think she needs frequent contact from you right now, preferably face to face with a few big, supportive hugs for both Sis and Mum. Don't be surprised if your sister has a good cry – sharing a problem can be such a relief. Perhaps you could make it next weekend?

    I appreciate you may have your own family to look after, and I'm not casting any shadow of blame that you haven't been more closely involved so far, but it's quite likely your sister has similar responsibilities - she just happens to live nearer. (My only brother lives in Australia, so I feel for her)

    Best wishes, and please continue to use TP as a sounding off point, and for the excellent source of knowledgeable advice from people who know what it's like. (I'm not really including myself in that last grouping, as my Mum is only just starting to be affected)
  5. May

    May Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    Hi Ann
    Just wanted to say, hang on in there, I found this site not so long ago. Although I haven't posted much, I've done an awful lot of reading and that in itself has been a great comfort knowing your not alone. Do read Brucie's jokes also, they cheer you up even in a deepest, darkest mood and have had me giggling out loud!
  6. kazza

    kazza Registered User

    Nov 23, 2005
    Just saying hello

    I have also just found this site and am struggling as a dummy on how to post questions can somebody please enlighten me. :)
  7. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005

    You posted that question quite well!

    What you do is simply when you enter talking point you get the page with the list of different sections on the left. 'Support for people with dementia and their carers', 'I have memory problems', 'Younger people with dementia' etc and what you do is you decide which one of these sections is the most appropriate place for you to post your question on. I.e. if you have questions about younger dementia suffers you click on that title or if you just want an answer to a general question, the 'Support for people with dementia and their carers' section may be a better choice, so click on that one instead.

    Once you have clicked on the title, a new page will open, and it will show a list of other peoples questions and comments by their titles. If you want to post a new question just click on the 'New Thread' button at the top left hand side of the screen. This will open a new page with a section for a title for your comment/question and then a place where you can type it. Type away and then when you are happy with what you have written, click on the 'Submit reply' button found below the area you just typed in. Your message will now be posted so that others can answer it.

    Hope this helps.
  8. EllieS

    EllieS Registered User

    Aug 23, 2005
    hindsight is a wonderful thing!

    For the six months before Dad died, he wasn't eating properly or taking his medication regularly and when I visited Mum seemed distant and a little disinterested.

    Their whole life evolved around each other and my brother and me and the grand children. So we were all totally focussed on not splitting them up - "the ideal". There were actually days when Dad greeted me with "come on then let's go" - wanting to come home with me.

    He had PD and AD and Mum was full time carer (latterly with Carers coming in 3xdaily). At one time Dad was hospitalised because he was so poorly - he had to be re-hydrated and the only other treatment was that he was being fed! Mum stayed by his side 12 hours a day. We had to draw her maps of how to get back from the Ward to Reception to get a taxi home! Why on earth did we and everyone else not see sense - Mum was no longer able to cope and Dad was suffering!

    Mum was so very distressed and frightened to be on her own - I lived 60 miles away, brother lived on next road. He wouldn't have her to stay for that period at all and wasn't really very supportive - his choice!

    Anyway, Dad improved considerably and started mentioning going home - I spoke to the Consultant and told her how distressed Mum was and that whatever services she would like put in place I would make sure they were there.

    Meals were arranged for delivery each day, Carers morning, mid-day and evening - with the instruction to watch while Dad took his medication and to get him breakfast, lunch and tea (easy food stocks were purchased: porridge, cereals, soup, baked beans, bacon, eggs, bread etc) with the meals being delivered all should have been okay. The carer was to get Dad up, washed, dressed in the morning and prepared for bed of an evening. All should have been okay.

    But it wasn't - although I made it perfectly clear to Mum that the Consultant was only prepared to allow Dad to leave hospital IF she promised to let the Carers do all of these things. The first couple of days were okay but then when the carer attended Mum told them Dad had had his medication and had eaten. The Carers should have noticed that there was no evidence of dirty plates and that the medicine pack was not right - but they didn't.

    We were all concerned, Mum's sisters visited 2-3 times a week and even spoke to Mum's GP when he was there (having been called out to 1 of many infections) but he just didn't seem to take any notice - seemed happy to keep prescribing antibiotics - we found loads of them after Dad died - in drawers/cupboards etc.

    I suggested respite care for both Mum & Dad - Dad actually agreed that Mum was doing too much and that her leg was bad (when we visited, we fed him and he was pretty compos mentos (is that how you spell it), but Mum just would not hear of it.

    In short I failed my Dad - he died (although not on the death certificate) from starvation, malnutrition with a cut on his face (following a plate throwing incident), with bed sores!!!

    Mum truly did her best - but she was not well, not just not coping.

    If I could turn back the clock (and still know what I know), there's no doubt at all in my mind what I'd have done differently. I would have insisted on the respite care for both of them and had things not improved would have arranged for them both to go into a "nice" Care Home - it would not have been easy but I definitely would have taken that route.

    My Dad was wonderful and I loved him so much but let him down - on the night following Dad's death I stayed with Mum (as did her 2 sisters) - I'd planned to stay a few nights. BUT I stayed awake with her all night reassuring her that she'd done everything she could and that she'd done her best and that Dad loved her so much etc etc. In the morning, BOMBSHELL, Mum became horribly antagonistic toward me and everything I said was wrong. My aunties couldn't believe it! I tried - I sat quietly with her not saying a word, offering no opinions or advice. She just cut me off. I left, drove the 60 miles home - what a journey. She suffered from that because she was on her own for the following "very important settling" nights.

    Mum asked my brother to do everything for the funeral etc - which was fine because he is the eldest. I tried to support him wherever I could (from a distance). Even at the funeral Mum was so distant.

    Mum has since been diagnosed with AD - lives in a home close to me and we sit playing crosswords, doing puzzles and I'm so pleased to have her back. I've not really grieved for Dad though and miss him so terribly and am really surprised that I get no sense of him.

    God, I'm rambling so much - must get on and do some work!

    I hope some of my "hindsight" is helpful.

  9. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    Oh Ellie you broke my heart.
    You did the best you could. I know how it feels to be in that position, not knowing whether you should be doing more. The problem is that they are our parents and it is very hard after a lifetime of that to not respect that and well, 'mum and dad always know best'.

    I often worried about Dad in the same way you must have. Since going into the home he has gotten 'fat' so now it is apparent that he was not being fed properly either. I could see his bruises and mum even told me she hit him I could see how skinny he was getting but everyone kept telling me that I had to understand how hard it was for my mum, and no doubt it was and that he was just skinny because of the disease, but I was scared, scared that she would kill him before it was his time. I can remember how stressed I was about the whole situation, in my case though I thought through what I could do many times and I really couldn't see a solution. Dad have given POA to Mum, and he appeared to love her deeply so the only thing I could have done was to report her to the authorities and then can you imagine that? What a nightmare that would have been and not only would it have placed mum under more stress and thus Dad too, my whole family would have spat on me and there was probably a good chance that no one would have believed me so it would have been all for nothing anyway. And then there was my own self doubt, was I just imagining it all, afterall she was my mother and no one else seemed to see what I was seeing?

    Strangely I was also mad at my Dad, why had he given Mum and my sister who always sided with Mum POA when he knew how childish she could be and that my sister wouldn't question it and in fact has always resented Dad somewhat anyway, he knew what I knew about her and yet he had signed control over to her. One of the ways I coped with it was to hope that he had done so to spare me a fight down the track, had he entrusted his POA to me as well things could have gotten quite nasty. Now I am rambling too.

    All I wanted to say is that I know that pain Ellie, I know it so well, if I could I would come sit in a room with you and we could both bawl our eyes out about it! As for your Mum having AD as well I can't imagine how hard that must be, at least though that perhaps explains a little why what happened to your Dad did happen, perhaps she was already struggling with the disease herself back then, and that could also explain her rejection of you too. I know now that we think about it it is quite possible that the signs Dad was going to get dementia were there 20 years ago.

    All my love,
  10. EllieS

    EllieS Registered User

    Aug 23, 2005
    Wish that room was available to share with you!

    Dear Nat

    Thank you - although I don't ponder on it all 24/7 now - it is with me all the time. Hopefully it'll get better with time.

    I just do so wish I could get a sense of Dad somehow! Just always thought I would - daft isn't it.

    Mum and I sat in her room at the home watching the "LAST TOMMIES" and it got us talking about it - the afterlife (or not) and I had a little cry on her shoulder and she understood what I meant but although she was always quite open minded about such things she no longer thinks there is anything.

    Isn't it great that I can have these talks with her - I'm making the most of her as best I can - 'cos it's not gonna last. Strange but we're closer now than we've ever been.

    I'll keep your room in mind - please do the same!

    Take Care of yourself.

  11. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    that is such a sensible thing to do. Time is so precious in our situations!
  12. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    Dear Ellie,

    quote - 'cos it's not gonna last
    you could be wrongI hope so
  13. boomer

    boomer Registered User

    Nov 21, 2005
    peak district england
    reading the thread

    i have read your posts with great interest and empathy..........
    dad is still in respite .I have now managed to talk to both dad's social worker and the manager of the home he is in ...he had a VERY bad first night ..had several falls,one of which was down a small set of stairs ....
    by the second day he had settled somewhat
    on the other side of things ,they had informed mum about the falls and was demanding his return home saying he had never fallen at home ......this is soo not true and have witnessed some of the falls ,even taken him to hospital to get his nosed stiched when he sliced the nostril open(very messy)

    have given my opinions to all concerned and hope that they now realise that mum is ..shall we say..very selective of the information she imparts........

    both sisters have felt a little let down by my so called "sitting on the fence"
    but she has "berracaded the back door,to which we all have a key for and is using the front door ..therefore denying access to my sisters ....so i felt ..fightly or wrongly that if i kept the line of communication open ,albeit via phone,that at least she is not alone.i can report concerns to my sisters and ss etc if i am worried ....my sisters feel very hurt by mum and at the moment also have no wish to be in touch with her...i feel between a rock and a hard place at this point in time .

    i did find out that mum had agreed to "rolling respite"....of 2 months at home and 2 weeks respite for dad on the thursday before the weekends events....so has confused things a little .
    my sisters are pushing for permanent care for him,but i have to agree with the social worker ,in that she has worked very hard to gain mums trust ...she has incidently ,agreed to have domicillay care twice a day on his return home ...i feel it is worth a try as at least the home setting is monitored to some extent ESPECIALLY if mum ..who can dig her heels in for england ,does not allow my sisters to get things sorted out

    on the point of visits by myself,i have 6 children ...5 of which are still at home ..my oldest lad has post traumatic stress (mildly) and is twentfour.two teen boys 14&15..very hormonal,a four yr old and a two yr old ..money is limited as you can imagine ......i would dearly love to visit reguarly and often but sadly it all boils down to finances ...or should i say the lack of them ............i too am rambling on now ...i shall pop back on in a day or two and let you all know how things are going ....thankyou.... anne x
  14. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Hi Anne/Boomer

    :eek: I'm feeling really guilty now, for suggesting in my 1st reply that you could visit more often; You certainly seem to have enough on your plate at home!!
    Please remember that although :rolleyes: YOU know all the background information (as given in your post of 27th), I couldn't have known much of that from the eight & a half lines of your introductory post; please, forgive me if I commented inappropriately :eek: but in ignorance.

    It sounds as if the social worker is making a little progress (in a softly softly way) with your Mum, and I hope it may benefit both your Dad and Mum if they can get accustomed to a regular visitor, who may be able to persuade them to accept (and put them in touch with) the help they need, both with AD and alcoholism.

    Best wishes
  15. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    sorry to hear

    Just to say sorry to hear of your plight. We are in the same district and depending where you are located the support from local services can differ greatly. If you are near Bakewell send me a private email and I may be able to suggest more. In the north side of P. District there are many failings. It looks as though you have managed to find some solution for the present. Good luck. BeckyJan (Derbyshire - High Peak!).
  16. inbetween

    inbetween Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    letting dad down....

    I've spent quite a few hours on here reading the threads. Posted a "moan" in the tea room too......
    I have arrived here via my sister's recommendation - she is "Boomer" on this site- and I am the sister she mentions in her postings.
    Yes, I think I have been traumatised by recent evens, and visiting my dad in respite on Friday has left me with such a profound sense of loss that I don't know what is the best thing to do next. Some of the comments in this thread have made me cry, Ellie's comment about loving her dad and still feeling that she let him down has had quite an impact. I am worried for the safety of the dad I love so much and really have no way of knowing if my actions have made things worse or better. At the moment he is safe, and still I don't seem to be able to sleep or settle for fretting that I am failing him by not protecting him from "who knows what"......
    I will keep coming back to the site, I am sure I will find comfort in it.
  17. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Welcome to the TP family Susan

    I hope you benefit from the genuine sympathy and guidance available here.
    Best wishes

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.