Jekyll and Hyde - My mother-in-law coping with her husband

[sarahmcc]

Hi All,
I hope you can help. I'm new to the forum and I will probably need more help than I'll be able to offer as I'm not the carer of someone who has Alzheimer's. My mother-in-law's husband has Alzheimer's and because of the stress I'm really concerned about her well-being.

At the moment my mother-in-law's husband is being really nice to everyone and saying nice things about her to everyone. But when no one is around he is accusing her of all sorts of things and even refusing food from her. She's obviously pretty upset about the whole thing. However, the worst of it is that she is worrying that the health professionals believe him over her. Especially when he does say bad things about her.

I've tried reassuring her that this is one of the many ways that Alzheimer's can manifest. It isn't unusual behaviour and that the health professionals won't be so easily fooled. I would really appreciate it if anyone could confirm this? Has anyone had similar experiences? I think knowing would really reassure her.

I am hoping she'll eventually join this forum.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Kevinl]

It can be amazing how different someone can become when other people are around, nice as pie and all that soon as they go it's back to the moody, rude and sulky about them but that's been a staple of observational comedy for ages, Catherine Tate and the "Nan" character spring to mind. Don't worry about the healthcare professionals, they'll have seen it all before and you're always there to back up what she's saying. Have a read around here and see if there is some help available, for what it's worth I think the more socialising they get the better, worst thing you can do is shut the door and stay isolated at home, that does seem to make it worse.
K

 

[Terri257]

I'm not quite clear if you are saying when your mother in law is around her husband says nice things about her and when she's not he says bad things about her behind her back or whether he is being not nice to her when no-one else is around.

Either way this could be fear. Remember the reality an Alzheimers sufferer is experience is not what is happening. It could well be that he's scared and cross when she is not with him but when she, and no-one else is around, he feels free to be himself and the fear and frustration manifest itself as him being sharp and non co-operative with your mother in law.

Refusing food and not drinking is common with Alzheimer's patients. As a result UTI and constipation also become very common. Get her to keep a diary of what he eats, what he refuses and when. Record his mood, the time of day etc anything that might give her a clue as to what is going on. She could try asking him gently when it happens how he is feeling and see if he is able to tell her.

Clearly he does still know that his behaviour in public has to be different so more socialisation is a good way forward. There may be clubs for the elderly around not necessarily just for dementia patients.

I went on a short course with the Alzheimer's society one afternoon over a six week period. This gives you a great insight into what is happening in the patient's world and the carers. Taking care of a loved one is a hard task. In order to do your best you need to understand that this is no longer the strong, logical, supportive and dependable partner you have known. That person is being eroded away. They are aware things are changing and are scared, illogical, erratic and dependant. Maybe going for a walk together and trying to find new activities to do together or with others will give your mother in law a chance to build some new happy memories even at this difficult time.

It's easy to say but hard to do, but your mother in law needs to train herself to ignore anything hurtful that is said to her otherwise she will burn out very quickly. She is likely to be feeling very very guilty that she is coping as well as she thinks others are in these circumstances. I'm not sure anyone knows how to cope all the time it's a learning process based on trial and error. Whatever she tries, she should never waste time or energy feeling guilty. It's about working out what works for her husband to keep him as calm as possible. Just when you think you've cracked it there's more behaviour changes.

My mum was really behaving erratically over December/January. I thought that it was a rapid decline in her condition and it was very stressful. I was getting accused of stealing her handbag, throwing out her things etc. It turns out she can't cope with the comings and goings of relatives and having too many people in the house. Since then she's been
a lot better and calmer. Of course she isn't getting better she is just calmer. Guess what, no Christmas in her house next year but that's okay because the upheaval is too much for her.

Alzheimer's is a cruel and horrid disease both for the sufferer and those who love them. Remembering is it the disease that is causing the problem and not the individual is key to keeping you own head straight.

 

[Tatiana]

Just wanted to say 'thank you' to both KevinL and Terri for those excellent, very informative posts.

And Sarah, I have great sympathy for your Mother in Law. But I am also sure that the healthcare professionals know that the upsetting behaviour she's experiencing is common and all adverse comments are to be taken with a massive pinch of salt.

My Fil is particularly abusive and rude when he's bored; I'm tempted to say it's become his favourite hobby. It's as if pressure cooker of nastiness suddenly has it's lid released and beware anyone in the blast radius. I agree that activity and keeping the body and/or mind occupied does seem to help distract him or tire him out. It's very upsetting to be insulted quite openly, without any warning, to your face. It really hurt and shocked me the first time but now I just say to myself - 'he is ill and frustrated. I can walk out of here anytime, healthy and at ease with myself, he cannot. It is a symptom of his illness.'

 

[sarahmcc]

Thanks for all your responses. I've sent my mother-in-law thread and she read all the comments with great interest. She's been keeping a record of incidents for a little while but it never occurred to her to record what he refused to eat, so she is going to keep a record of that from now on.
Thank you all for your help.

 

[velocity]

My Mother is the same, she has unfortunately made a lot of negative comments about Hubby and I, Christmas is a bad time for us all also, in the past friends have popped in, Mum has called the Police visited Solicitors because she has felt threatened.
If you asked her why she would say such things, or feel that way, at first she would be sorry, just deny now only joking.
The Police thought that Mum was ill, long before the medical profession.
I hope your MIL gets some help/support soon wishing her well
xx

 

[sarahmcc]

My Mother is the same, she has unfortunately made a lot of negative comments about Hubby and I, Christmas is a bad time for us all also, in the past friends have popped in, Mum has called the Police visited Solicitors because she has felt threatened.
If you asked her why she would say such things, or feel that way, at first she would be sorry, just deny now only joking.
The Police thought that Mum was ill, long before the medical profession.
I hope your MIL gets some help/support soon wishing her well
xx

That's really terrible, it must of been awful for you. Thankfully my MIL's husband hasn't called the police yet, but I wouldn't put it past him. It's lucky that the police seem to be savvy about such things (or at least most of them do). I have an acquaintance who is a PCSO and he was called to exactly this kind of situation. They all knew that the person who called was not in her right mind.