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I've given up my role as a carer

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
I know you may have a lot of this info but whoever is going to look after your mum may not have so I thought i'd post it just in case it is of any use to you in this really difficult situation - if you already know or have it then please just ignore it.

If you have an Admiral Nurse in your area (you will need to google it) then lots of people have said how helpful they are. Admiral Nursing Direct on 0800 888 6678 FREE or email direct@dementiauk.org

You can phone Social Services Adult Care Duty Desk and ask for an assessment if there have been no recommendations from the Unit - services like carers visiting to help with the daily routine/personal care or day care that should be an option - a day centre where they have lunch and activities. As well as our social services centre we also have Crossroads Day Centre where people can go for up to 3 days. Your mum might benefit from a day centre

There is probably a fair bit but you need to search for it. Some care homes also do 'day care' which can be useful but I would try the day centres first

This leaflet on compassionate communication is very useful - I found it very hard to master but I stuck it on my fridge to remind me every day and it really does work

Do have a look at it
http://www.ocagingservicescollabora...te-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.pdf

You can also ask for a carers assessment - this will give you a break and give you some 'free' hours of help possibly.

If you are not already getting it do apply for Attendance Allowance - the forms are a bit tricky in that you have to imagine the worst possible day and write down the help that is needed (not the help that they get at the moment but what would be ideal for what they NEED). Attendance Allowance is not means tested and you should get it, if you need some help with the forms come back and ask Age UK are really good at helping with assessing what benefits you can claim and then they also help you fill in the forms - someone will come to your house. Age UK are also very good at practical advice and help - Age UK Advice line free national advice line that is open 365 days a year. To talk to someone, just call 0800 169 2081.

I would strongly advise you to join your local carers organisation - they usually have a carers cafe (and so do Alzheimers society in some areas) and it is worth a morning off to go and find out what help there is in your area over a cup of coffee - lots of friendship and support face to face and everyone in the same boat.

If there are issues with incontinence all areas have a continence service - you will need to look up your Trust or google your area plus Continence Service. The continence nurses we have had have been wonderful and pads are supplied free by the NHS.


The Dementia helpline is a useful number to have

Alzheimer's Society National Dementia Helpline 0300 222 1122 can provide information, support, guidance and signposting to other appropriate organisations.

The Helpline is usually open from:
9am - 8pm Monday to Wednesday
9am - 5pm on Thursday and Friday
10am - 4pm on Saturday and Sunday
 

candymad

Registered User
Dec 8, 2015
21
Derby
I know you may have a lot of this info but whoever is going to look after your mum may not have so I thought i'd post it just in case it is of any use to you in this really difficult situation - if you already know or have it then please just ignore it.

If you have an Admiral Nurse in your area (you will need to google it) then lots of people have said how helpful they are. Admiral Nursing Direct on 0800 888 6678 FREE or email direct@dementiauk.org

You can phone Social Services Adult Care Duty Desk and ask for an assessment if there have been no recommendations from the Unit - services like carers visiting to help with the daily routine/personal care or day care that should be an option - a day centre where they have lunch and activities. As well as our social services centre we also have Crossroads Day Centre where people can go for up to 3 days. Your mum might benefit from a day centre

There is probably a fair bit but you need to search for it. Some care homes also do 'day care' which can be useful but I would try the day centres first

This leaflet on compassionate communication is very useful - I found it very hard to master but I stuck it on my fridge to remind me every day and it really does work

Do have a look at it
http://www.ocagingservicescollabora...te-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.pdf

You can also ask for a carers assessment - this will give you a break and give you some 'free' hours of help possibly.

If you are not already getting it do apply for Attendance Allowance - the forms are a bit tricky in that you have to imagine the worst possible day and write down the help that is needed (not the help that they get at the moment but what would be ideal for what they NEED). Attendance Allowance is not means tested and you should get it, if you need some help with the forms come back and ask Age UK are really good at helping with assessing what benefits you can claim and then they also help you fill in the forms - someone will come to your house. Age UK are also very good at practical advice and help - Age UK Advice line free national advice line that is open 365 days a year. To talk to someone, just call 0800 169 2081.

I would strongly advise you to join your local carers organisation - they usually have a carers cafe (and so do Alzheimers society in some areas) and it is worth a morning off to go and find out what help there is in your area over a cup of coffee - lots of friendship and support face to face and everyone in the same boat.

If there are issues with incontinence all areas have a continence service - you will need to look up your Trust or google your area plus Continence Service. The continence nurses we have had have been wonderful and pads are supplied free by the NHS.


The Dementia helpline is a useful number to have

Alzheimer's Society National Dementia Helpline 0300 222 1122 can provide information, support, guidance and signposting to other appropriate organisations.

The Helpline is usually open from:
9am - 8pm Monday to Wednesday
9am - 5pm on Thursday and Friday
10am - 4pm on Saturday and Sunday

Fizzie thanks for your help, going through the information.
I can't find any Admiral Nurse in my area.
We are waiting for an assessment, it's been about 8 weeks.
Mum used to go to a lunch club, but since being incontinent she won't go anymore, I can't get her to go to anything.
It's a bit late for the carers assessment, my OH stoped me being my mums carer yesterday, I am on tablets for my nerves and it's hurting our marriage.
Mum is getting help with incontinence, all her stuff arrived the oter day.

This is all because my brother who is over from Spain said that it's my job to do everything for my mum, and while he has been visiting her for the last 2 weeks, I have still been going in doing her cleaning, washing, ironing, changing beds, and doing the shopping for the 2 of them, he has been no help at all, just got in the way and upset mum.
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,806
Ireland
Has anyone any ideas on how I can help my mum if I was to go back to my home in Spain, I have one of my brothers who lives nearby, but I don't like putting on him too much, just like I didn't like being put on.

I was hoping that the care could have been between us but this is not looking like it will happen.

For the sake of my health, finances and marriage it may be best for me to go back home.
You are in an awful situation. If your brothers have POA for your mum, I thought they would need to organise her finances but I may be wrong. I would stop washing, cleaning etc while your brother is home from Spain. Let him get on with it.

Maybe you and your husband could go out for a day or two. I have no advice really except to let you know that we are all here for you.

Virtual hugs on the way from Ireland

Aisling
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,589
Ireland
Candymad, you could contact whoever is arranging the assessment and tell them (a) you are going to be returning to your home in Spain and (b) it is your brothers, not you, that have POA and should be contacted. That might move things forward!
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
Fizzie thanks for your help, going through the information.
I can't find any Admiral Nurse in my area.
We are waiting for an assessment, it's been about 8 weeks.
Mum used to go to a lunch club, but since being incontinent she won't go anymore, I can't get her to go to anything.
It's a bit late for the carers assessment, my OH stoped me being my mums carer yesterday, I am on tablets for my nerves and it's hurting our marriage.
Mum is getting help with incontinence, all her stuff arrived the oter day.

This is all because my brother who is over from Spain said that it's my job to do everything for my mum, and while he has been visiting her for the last 2 weeks, I have still been going in doing her cleaning, washing, ironing, changing beds, and doing the shopping for the 2 of them, he has been no help at all, just got in the way and upset mum.
Families are so difficult - your brother is so interfering that it must be hurting you and it would be very hurtful for your Mum too.

I know this is a bit crazy but is your brother going home soon? Can you ignore him - that sounds absurd because some people you just can't ignore but it just seems to me that you've been doing an amazing job and you are obviously really close to your mum and really care about her. I just don't understand why he wants to come between you and your Mum which is effectively what he is doing. He sounds like a spoilt brat.

Your health is really important but so is your relationship with your Mum

I know you say she left the day centre when she was incontinent, my mum continued because the pads are so good they can wear them all day and also the council run day centres help with all that with no problem. If you decide to stay on with your mum or even to be there for her from a distance it would be worth trying to get her a place again. Our day centre helped me to keep my Ma living independently :)

Your brother sounds like a bully and I can really only say the same as others - that we are here for you and will support you whatever you do, so keep posting xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,806
Ireland
I would like to say thank you for all you comments and support, it has helped me immensely, writing down my feelings has lifted some of the pressure and by your kind words I realise that I'm not the one who is being an a**e here.:)

Thinking about you. Virtual hugs.
Aisling ( Ireland)
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,806
Ireland
I've been a carer for my mother since October 2014, things have been going OK if OK is the right word. I have left my home in Spain and have been renting here in the UK for a couple of years now, finances are getting very low and I don't know how long we can keep this up.

My brother has visited from Spain, he has been here for 2 weeks and is here for another week, my mum didn't want him to come and she has been very aggitated since his arrival, also he has made several calls to the 111 service because of worries about my mum, most of which I'm sure have been because she is so wound up.

I don't get on with my brother and have not had any communication with him for a few years now, but decided that we would have to get on for the duation of his stay so we could help mum. We had a big row the other day and since then he has been trying to find a way to get at me, his words were 'you don't want to cross me, you'll find out what happens if you do'.

Tonight for no reason he said that it is my responsibilty to make sure the nurse team give my mother her tablets as they left the tablet on the bedside table and my brother had to give it to her. I said I can't be there 3 times a day, but his reply is if I can't keep my responsibilies then I shouldn't be her carer anymore.

Well I'm so upset and my husband went online and I have withdrawn myself from being her carer, I can't go through being blamed for not looking after her, when I've not had time to think and look after myself for 2 years, he just doesn't know how difficult it is.

I'm not sure what I want to hear from anyone, but I just can't go on anymore.

Am thinking about Candymad and sending you hugs from Ireland. I hope you are taking a break. You certainly need it.

Aisling
 

candymad

Registered User
Dec 8, 2015
21
Derby
Thank you all for your support.

My brother went back to Spain last night, but he has not done anything to put any help in place, but he did say that no-one is coming in luchtimes at weekends to give mum her meds, I don't know why and I'm now waiting on a phone call from the DN's to explain why, it may be due to him agreeing that he would do it while he was here.

He also said who ever takes over your job (as carer), well how is that going to happen, he didn't even try and sort anything out, just left everything for me again!!!

He said that mum is running out of food, so I've got to go shopping, why on earth he didn't do it while he was here I don't know. I'm sure when I go round to see my mum there will be a pile of washing including his bedding.

Oh I'm so angry.

He has really upset my mum while he has been here, he told here he is coming back, she told him she doesn't want him, so we will see what happens.

Thank you for letting me rant, it does help.
 

sinkhole

Registered User
Jan 28, 2015
273
Being in Spain won't prevent him from making telephone calls to the UK.

I would remind him you are no longer the official carer and will not be able to do any more of his bidding, so he needs to get on the phone and arrange things himself, then sit back and let him stew for a while.

What does he do for a living?
 

candymad

Registered User
Dec 8, 2015
21
Derby
Being in Spain won't prevent him from making telephone calls to the UK.

I would remind him you are no longer the official carer and will not be able to do any more of his bidding, so he needs to get on the phone and arrange things himself, then sit back and let him stew for a while.

What does he do for a living?

I really wish I could tell him to sort it, but I don't want any communications with him, I know he will upset me more than I can upset him. He is now retired so free to do what ever he pleases.
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
Now he has gone back can you not just put some care in place to keep your mum safe? i understand this is a really difficult situation but your mum is really vulnerable, she doesn't want him back so obviously he has been unkind while he has been here, big bully, but she can't help herself so unless you at least put care in place she is at risk.
 

notsogooddtr

Registered User
Jul 2, 2011
922
Has your mum had carers before?I think that is the way forward but not sure about the finances as your brother has POA,he might have to set up dircect debit,not many people get completely free care.Do try to relax a bit now he's gone.
 

candymad

Registered User
Dec 8, 2015
21
Derby
I am absolutely amazed, I have just received a call from a social worker investigating a complaint from my brother, he is not happy at the care I have been giving my mum, although we have given up 2 years of our lives and come over to the UK from our home in Spain. He has also made a complaint that I have stollen money from her without her knowing and that she is paying me to care for her as well as getting money from the govenment in the form of carers allowance. She says he has made a complaint that I have changed the will without my mums knowledge, my mum was fully aware of the will change and in fact she asked me to do it and also asked her friends and neighbours to sign it for her.
I am so shocked and upset by this, I think it is my brother who has a mental problem not my mother.
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,806
Ireland
I am absolutely amazed, I have just received a call from a social worker investigating a complaint from my brother, he is not happy at the care I have been giving my mum, although we have given up 2 years of our lives and come over to the UK from our home in Spain. He has also made a complaint that I have stollen money from her without her knowing and that she is paying me to care for her as well as getting money from the govenment in the form of carers allowance. She says he has made a complaint that I have changed the will without my mums knowledge, my mum was fully aware of the will change and in fact she asked me to do it and also asked her friends and neighbours to sign it for her.
I am so shocked and upset by this, I think it is my brother who has a mental problem not my mother.

I think that perhaps your brother has the problem. Sure nobody can change wills like he suggests. Can you talk to Social Worker? You need independent advice re POA etc. It is awful for you. Other TPs will be able to give you advice.

Virtual hugs

Aisling
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,130
Yorkshire
Hi candymad
so sorry that your brother has decided to be so difficult
sadly, from what you yourself have written in your posts, it did seem to be on the cards that he was building to this
is your other brother able to help at all?

I have some thoughts - not sure how helpful:-
it may well be that the SW is aware how odd your brother's comments are, but had to contact you - so, who knows, that may be the end of it
if not, then:-
the will - you have the will itself as evidence, with the signatures of the witnesses - you also have the witnesses to back-up what actually happened, maybe they will agree to write a commentary if this goes further - so seems to me that claim is easily shown as unfounded
the carer's allowance - the fact that it was granted, the fact that Attendance Allowance was granted both evidence your mum's needs and how much energy and care you have put into her situation and supporting her
background to your mum's reactions to your brother's visit - luckily you found TP in time to support you AND to, in effect, use posting here as a means of documenting what has happened over the last few weeks - I suggest you print them out for the SW to show your perspective - as posts are dated and timed it can't be said that you are fabricating anything

I don't know what is behind your brother's accusations - whatever it is YOU KNOW how much you have supported your mother NEVER lose sight of that - and you know that his accusations are ridiculous - if the SW requires more information, you have it all

so keep calm and be gentle with yourself - you are a brilliant daughter :)
 

starryuk

Registered User
Nov 8, 2012
1,306
Candymad, I have just seen this thread and am horrified at what you have been going through at the hands of your brother (not that I feel like calling him 'brother').

The only thing I am thinking is that this may precipitate some support from Social Services for your mum.

I am beyond disgusted with your brother. I detest bullies. Especially the kind that think woman are their servants.
 

candymad

Registered User
Dec 8, 2015
21
Derby
After getting the call from the social worker, I've been unable to visit my mum, I'm not sure if I should or even if I'm allowed. I have had telephone contact with her and she has managed to go out shopping, which she hasn't done for a while, so that's a plus as going out will make her feel better, but I have had a couple of calls from the DN's who give her her meds saying that she has not been at home for her evening meds.

Next week she has a hospital appointment, but I don't know who is going to take her, it was me, but if I'm under investigation who does it?

I am now taking daily meds for my nerves and I'm due to have councelling next month, my brother really has screwed with my mind, I just can't stop crying.
 
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Pickles53

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
2,474
Radcliffe on Trent
If you haven't specifically been told you can't visit mum or take her to appointment, and you want to, I would go ahead. If you don't feel you can, inform SS in writing (by email) and phone them and also the hospital and follow their advice.
 
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Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,806
Ireland
After getting the call from the social worker, I've been unable to visit my mum, I'm not sure if I should or even if I'm allowed. I have had telephone contact with her and she has managed to go out shopping, which she hasn't done for a while, so that's a plus as going out will make her feel better, but I have had a couple of calls from the DN's who give her her meds saying that she has not been at home for her evening meds.

Next week she has a hospital appointment, but I don't know who is going to take her, it was me, but if I'm under investigation who does it?

I am now taking daily meds for my nerves and I'm due to have councelling next month, my brother really has screwed with my mind, I just can't stop crying.

Do what you want to do. Go see your Mum and take her to appointment. It is so unfair for you to be treated like this. Words fail me. Huge support

Aisling