I've given up my role as a carer

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by candymad, Jan 28, 2016.

  1. candymad

    candymad Registered User

    Dec 8, 2015
    21
    Derby
    I've been a carer for my mother since October 2014, things have been going OK if OK is the right word. I have left my home in Spain and have been renting here in the UK for a couple of years now, finances are getting very low and I don't know how long we can keep this up.

    My brother has visited from Spain, he has been here for 2 weeks and is here for another week, my mum didn't want him to come and she has been very aggitated since his arrival, also he has made several calls to the 111 service because of worries about my mum, most of which I'm sure have been because she is so wound up.

    I don't get on with my brother and have not had any communication with him for a few years now, but decided that we would have to get on for the duation of his stay so we could help mum. We had a big row the other day and since then he has been trying to find a way to get at me, his words were 'you don't want to cross me, you'll find out what happens if you do'.

    Tonight for no reason he said that it is my responsibilty to make sure the nurse team give my mother her tablets as they left the tablet on the bedside table and my brother had to give it to her. I said I can't be there 3 times a day, but his reply is if I can't keep my responsibilies then I shouldn't be her carer anymore.

    Well I'm so upset and my husband went online and I have withdrawn myself from being her carer, I can't go through being blamed for not looking after her, when I've not had time to think and look after myself for 2 years, he just doesn't know how difficult it is.

    I'm not sure what I want to hear from anyone, but I just can't go on anymore.
     
  2. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,776
    Salford
    I'll self censor this one save the mods the trouble. Your btother is a *** *** ***** ****** with an added side of ****** ***** ***** :)
    You do everything he does nothing then tells you you're not doing enough, the cheeky "person", you give up a home in Spain and come back here and you get your ass kicked for not doing enough, what a twit(vowel error on purpose) this guy is:D
    Personally I'd contact social services and get an assessment of her needs done then take it from there, maybe he'd appreciate what you're doing a little more when his inheritance is evaporating at a grand a week in care home fees.
    Hard as it may sound if you can at least make like you're prepared to walk away from the situation it may help focus his mind a little (sorry I meant his little mind).
    Well done you for all you've done have the order of the AZTP admiration society.
    K
     
  3. candymad

    candymad Registered User

    Dec 8, 2015
    21
    Derby
    #3 candymad, Jan 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2016
    It was my husband that said to take my name off as the carer, he could see how upset I was getting, and as you said my brother will realise what needs to be done, but he is only here for another week, so he will have to be quick.
     
  4. CJinUSA

    CJinUSA Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    1,125
    eastern USA
    Hello. I think Kevinl is right: if you take your name off, as I understand the UK system, they will find support services. It seems you have double burdens here - your mother's illness that it becomes increasingly more difficult to attend to, and your brother's cheeky selfishness that leaves you feeling not only unsupported but downright used.

    I feel used a bit by my sisters, and I know that's a terrible feeling to have.

    I think a social services assessment would be a good thing. I'm not sure I'd take my name off yet, unless you also have the POA for healthcare *and* finances.

    My heart goes out to you. What an ungrateful lout.
     
  5. candymad

    candymad Registered User

    Dec 8, 2015
    21
    Derby
    Thanks for your comments, but stupid thing is both my brothers the one who lives in Spain and one who lives here in the UK have POA, not me, I think it was set up when only I lived in Spain and both my brothers lived in the UK.
     
  6. candymad

    candymad Registered User

    Dec 8, 2015
    21
    Derby
    I forgot to say, my mum is waiting for an assessment to see if see is at risk living at home on her own, just waiting for it to happen, I'm not sure this is the assessment you mean, but it's a start.
     
  7. candymad

    candymad Registered User

    Dec 8, 2015
    21
    Derby
    You see I can't stop myself doing it..... I'm still trying to help mum by caring, lol
     
  8. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,776
    Salford
    But you can say "what happens if I walk away" it's an ugly bargaining chip to play but if it makes them think about the alternative then they may start to appreciate what you're doing and how important it is to everyone involved.
    K
     
  9. CJinUSA

    CJinUSA Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    1,125
    eastern USA
    Yes, you love your mother, and of course you want to care for her. It is *very* hard to watch others take over the care. When I had to let two caregivers shower my mother for the first time after she lost the use of her right side, it was very hard. But they are skilled at the work, and I am not. I will keep my mother here in our home for as long as possible - and I intend to do so through her end.

    You *are* in a hard place. Have they been paying you for your time while you have been caregiver and they have been managing the finances? The assessment should help you all come to a decision about what to do. You can't do this alone. I have my husband here helping me, and as we did this for his mother, he is pretty on board with what is happening here. If your husband is in Spain, you must be there alone. It's too much for one person, it seems to me.
     
  10. candymad

    candymad Registered User

    Dec 8, 2015
    21
    Derby
    You *are* in a hard place. Have they been paying you for your time while you have been caregiver and they have been managing the finances? The assessment should help you all come to a decision about what to do. You can't do this alone. I have my husband here helping me, and as we did this for his mother, he is pretty on board with what is happening here. If your husband is in Spain, you must be there alone. It's too much for one person, it seems to me.[/QUOTE]

    I have been getting the carers allowance, and that is one of the things my brother is not happy with, he wanted me to pay him while he is here with my mum, because I'm not doing my job!!! Well I have been supporting her doing her shopping, ironing, cleaning, changing beds, washing and just being there for her, even though my brother has been with her (eating the food I have put in the fridge too).

    My husband is here too, we originally came back to the UK to look after his terminally ill mother, she died in the May then my mum took ill in the Oct of the same year, so we haven't gone back yet. I don't know what I would do without my husband, although he needs my help too as he has rhumatoid arthritis and can't do many things for himself.
     
  11. CJinUSA

    CJinUSA Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    1,125
    eastern USA
    I have been getting the carers allowance, and that is one of the things my brother is not happy with, he wanted me to pay him while he is here with my mum, because I'm not doing my job!!! Well I have been supporting her doing her shopping, ironing, cleaning, changing beds, washing and just being there for her, even though my brother has been with her (eating the food I have put in the fridge too).

    My husband is here too, we originally came back to the UK to look after his terminally ill mother, she died in the May then my mum took ill in the Oct of the same year, so we haven't gone back yet. I don't know what I would do without my husband, although he needs my help too as he has rhumatoid arthritis and can't do many things for himself.[/QUOTE]

    You *do* have your hands full. As for your brother wanting the allowance, if he were doing *all* the tasks while visiting, it might be feasible, but he clearly is not. He is on vacation, by comparison. The carer's allowance rightfully goes to the caregiver, and that is you.

    I hope the assessment helps thing reach a good conclusion and you can get on with your own life.
     
  12. candymad

    candymad Registered User

    Dec 8, 2015
    21
    Derby
    You *do* have your hands full. As for your brother wanting the allowance, if he were doing *all* the tasks while visiting, it might be feasible, but he clearly is not. He is on vacation, by comparison. The carer's allowance rightfully goes to the caregiver, and that is you.

    I hope the assessment helps thing reach a good conclusion and you can get on with your own life.[/QUOTE]


    If my brother was the carer living here he wouldn't get paid any money because he is not entitiled due to getting his retirment pension, you can't claim both!!!!
     
  13. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    And you need to remember that your own health and welfare must be considered in all this mess too. We all know how exhausting it is to be a carer and I think your brothers need to realize their responsibility as attorneys for your mum. I know you wish to do the best by her but I think you would find that if you dumped all the responsibilities in their laps for a while, they would suddenly discover how much work you have done. Your husband deserves a little of your time as well and you have earned a well deserved break so let them carry the can for a time.

    They seem to be bullying you and it is not in anyone's best interests for this situation to continue.

    Good luck
     
  14. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,619
    USA
    Your brother wanted you to pay HIM? You are joking, right? (Sadly, I fear you are not.)

    I'm editing to say that I keep editing my response, because it's not polite or helpful.

    I am sorry about this situation and hope you can find a solution you can live with.
     
  15. CJinUSA

    CJinUSA Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    1,125
    eastern USA
    Interesting - you said

    If my brother was the carer living here he wouldn't get paid any money because he is not entitiled due to getting his retirment pension, you can't claim both!!!!

    and so your brother is asking you to participate in a scheme to defraud the government, in addition to trying to bully you into doing the work.

    I'm sorry. I hope you can get this resolved. Lawson58 is right: your own wellbeing and your relationship with your OH deserve some attention.
     
  16. candymad

    candymad Registered User

    Dec 8, 2015
    21
    Derby
    I would like to say thank you for all you comments and support, it has helped me immensely, writing down my feelings has lifted some of the pressure and by your kind words I realise that I'm not the one who is being an a**e here.:)
     
  17. candymad

    candymad Registered User

    Dec 8, 2015
    21
    Derby
    Has anyone any ideas on how I can help my mum if I was to go back to my home in Spain, I have one of my brothers who lives nearby, but I don't like putting on him too much, just like I didn't like being put on.

    I was hoping that the care could have been between us but this is not looking like it will happen.

    For the sake of my health, finances and marriage it may be best for me to go back home.
     
  18. sinkhole

    sinkhole Registered User

    Jan 28, 2015
    270
    I'd say the assessment needs to be done urgently. The care package SS put in place needs to take into account your circumstances.

    I hope your brother sees some sense and stops acting like a _______! (insert your favorite expletive)
     
  19. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,239
    Cotswolds
    I agree with sinkhole :) You can continue to help your mother from a distance, but it needs a lot of co-ordination, and I think you need someone else (like Social Services) involved to facilitate this.

    The assessment would look at your mother's needs, in the round, and at how to meet them. So you and your brothers would all say what you realistically can, and can't, commit to. Then Social Services look at how to pay for the services needed. If your mother has her own property, it may have to be sold, or savings used. If she doesn't, then the council picks up the tab ( usually after a lot of negotiation).

    So yes.....you have to have a life. And to get it, you need care for your mum ( who you can still visit and care about, whatever arrangements are put in place).

    Good luck :)

    Lindy xx
     
  20. candymad

    candymad Registered User

    Dec 8, 2015
    21
    Derby
    It must be 8 weeks since the dementia consultant said mum needed and assessment, but still not heard when this will be.:confused:
     

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