I've been worrying about my mum last 3yrs & now my son-in-law after car accident

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Mother goose, Jan 16, 2015.

  1. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    Co.Sligo, Ireland
    My mum's been in NH last 5wks & I'm still struggling to deal with it. I'm so pleased she looks so much better than before she went in, as now eating regularly & not staying in bed for 17hrs & refusing to get up, as she was before NH. I'm just learning to deal with the constant questioning of going home. I'm so relieved she's safe there, as living on her own she would do dangerous things, like climbing steep stone garden steps, with scissors in her hand & taking plugs off electrical appliances & leaving the bare wire etc. I know that when the weather is bad & I am not able to get in to visit her, that she is well looked after & I don't have to worry about her, like I did the last 3 years when she was living on her own.

    We had heavy snow here tuesday & wednesday. My daughter's husband left for work at 8 o clock wednesday morning & she got a call from him shortly after, to say he'd had a serious car accident & thankfully wasn't hurt. The road he was travelling on doesn't get gritted & his car skidded, spun around & landed upside down on it's roof in a deep ditch. He was so lucky to get out & not a scratch. I saw the car upside down in the ditch & really don't know how he got out.

    The same day my daughter had an appointment at a hospital, an hour's drive away, to get results of an MRI scan she had done recently. She's been getting headaches every day the last 12 months & some are so bad that she cries with the pain. They have 2 young children, 1 & 5 years old & I help her with them, when she needs it. Her husband was going to take her, but was unable to get the day off, so my husband said he'd take her.

    They all left at the same time, after leaving their baby with me. A short while after, my husband rang & told me about the car accident & he & my daughter, went straight to her husband. Understandably, he was in shock as was my daughter & us & his parents too. Next day insurance co arranged for their car to be taken away to a garage. As it was upside down in a ditch, it took a long time to retrieve it. The driver asked my daughter if she was ok. She told him, her husband was driving. He asked was he alone, as he saw the 2 car seats & said it was a good job that their 2 children weren't in the car. It upset me so much, to think what could have happened, but I'm so thankful that he's ok & that my daughter & their 2 children hadn't been traveling with him.

    We heard that some roads near the hospital where she had her appointment were impassable, so they decided not to travel. I'm so glad they did, as it would've been so dangerous & so worrying, after what had happened earlier.I said to my daughter, the Consultant might not have arrived either, as roads were so bad. She now has to wait until March, for another appointment.

    She said, Mum, I've suffered this long & learnt to live with the pain, that a few more weeks won't make any difference. I feel so sorry for her, as having 2 young children is not easy with getting headaches too. She was obviously so worried about her husband, that she was prepared to wait for her appointment. I worry so much about my mum, my daughter & her family & my 2 sons & their families too. No matter what their age, we always worry about our children, even more so when they're adults.
  2. Hibni

    Hibni Registered User

    Sep 16, 2013
    Offering my sympathy to you and your family - it's a lot to be coping with at the moment.
  3. Redpoppy

    Redpoppy Registered User

    Jul 31, 2012
    Glamorgan s.wales
    You must be exhausted with so many unfortunate things happening to your family--thank goodness your son-in-law wasn't seriously injured.It's fortunate your daughter decided not to attend her appointment because of the dangerous condition of the roads. As her headaches are so painful and she has young children perhaps her GP could arrange an earlier (urgent) appointment than March. I hope you and your family well at this trying time, and that you will soon feel less anxious.
  4. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    Co.Sligo, Ireland
    Thank you both for your replies.
    We are all so relieved that my daughter's husband is alright, as it could have been a lot worse, especially as the car has been written off.

    The Consultant's secretary, told my daughter to keep ringing to see if there is a cancellation. We are hoping that the results of the MRI will be normal. If they are, the Dr still needs to find out whats causing her headaches. I hope he doesn't just say, she has to live with them, as some days she feels so unwell.

    She was unwell from 4 mths old until she was 14 years old. She had constant, ear, throat & urine infs & chest infs, glandular fever & then got pains in her hips & knees. I had to get crutches for her to use. I took her to so many Drs when we lived in Cardiff, none of them could find what was wrong with her.

    We then moved to Worthing & she was thoroughly investigated there & discovered she had a tumour on her parathyroid, which was removed when she was 14. Thankfully, she was well again after having the operation.
    She has lost 3 babies with miscarriages, in the last few years, so we were delighted for her & her husband, when she had her little daughter & baby boy a year ago. Whenever she's been unwell, she's never complained & I'm very proud of her, as she just gets on with everything.
  5. FozzyC

    FozzyC Registered User

    Aug 3, 2014
    In November 2013 I had a call to say my mom was trapped in her car upside down on the road outside their house. I reacted with panic and puzzlement, my mom hadn't driven for two years, could barely walk to the car from the house, where was dad? How did she end up upside down? The drive over was agonising, at 79 years of age with lots of health problems I thought 'this is it'. The road was closed off and we had to get police to let us through when we finally made it to their road as traffic was backed up.

    Mom was heading out alone to fetch dad who had broken down, she backed off the drive, straight across their service road, continuing over a grass verge and dropping onto the busy main road over a three foot retaining wall which effectively flipped the car upside down. Amazingly apart from bruising her only injury was cut hands from landing on the broken sunroof when someone released her seat belt as she couldn't breathe. We don't know why she just kept going backwards, maybe she passed out? We don't know how she wasn't killed, or killed someone else as she dropped onto a busy road at 5.15pm on a dark November night. It's the 'what ifs' that haunt you, I have to say that my blood pressure went up and my mental health took a downturn for several weeks later.

    When you are dealing with the immediate issues the adrenaline gets you through, but be kind to yourself in the coming weeks while you work through the post event 'what ifs'.

    Thank goodness for the construction of modern cars, moms might have been written off due to damage on almost every panel, but it kept her safe.

    I work for a GP, you could ask your daughters GP if they can expedite her appointment?

    I sometimes cover a specialist clinic and if I speak to someone who really needs help I keep them in mind for any cancellations or even speak to the consultant to see if we can squeeze them in, I know you've been told to keep calling so do that, if they remember you they're more likely to help, but I would hope really they would keep your daughters details and call her with a cancellation rather than asking her to keep trying? Make sure they know what problems your family has been dealing with, I find friendly desperation gets me more results than getting annoyed - but maybe that's just me?

    If there is a booking centre you can speak to them too, their job is to maximise appointments and if they have an empty slot they will be keen to fill it with someone who can come at short notice, give them and the consultants secretary a few contact numbers and have a plan to get there quickly if needed (child care, transport etc), let them know you can take a short notice cancellation if you can.

    In the past we have paid to see a consultant when we just couldn't wait (OH with possible bone cancer, me when I couldn't move with back pain), think it cost about £80 then and seen literally within days, all further care was done through nhs where needed as we didn't have insurance, hubby's issue was an emergency - bone infection needing two hospital stays, four surgeries, six months of treatment, but we did at least get some answers quickly which was priceless. I know there are moral issues for some about jumping the queue, but you do what you have to do when you are in real trouble, and it does free an nhs appointment for someone else. Other option is to see if a different nhs consultant has a shorter waiting list? We also have a private hospital locally that provides nhs appointments, they are consistently shorter wait times than the hospital.

    I hope things improve for all of you soon.
  6. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    So happy that there was no serious injuries...the shock is sometimes worse for the onlookers.....anyway cars can be mended or replaced, not so the people in them.

    The one consolation I can see in all this, is that if it were a serious ( as opposed to a painful but not life threatening I mean) complaint, the hospital would be sending for your daughter more rapidly, I'm sure.:)
  7. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    Co.Sligo, Ireland
    Thank you so much FozzyC, for all your advice for my daughter. She's always been a very independent person & likes to do everything herself. She keeps telling me, Mum, I'm 29 & I can look after myself. In fairness she keeps her home spotless & tidy & is always organised, even when she has the headaches, so she can spend more time with her 2 children.

    I remember when she was in hospital, waiting to have her parathyroid tumour removed & told me she wasn't worried about having it done. She just wanted to get it over with, as she had suffered for so many years & the last few with painful joints. I was the one who was worried, as she was having major surgery. She was only 14 yrs old at the time. I'll pass on all your very helpful advice to her. As we live in Southern Ireland. the healthcare is different here.

    I'm so glad your mum was ok & had no injuries after her car accident. I'm sure it shocked you too, at the time & your family. I haven't mentioned that my mum also had a serious car accident 3 yrs ago. She was driving to our house one sun aftn, to have dinner with us. Like you, we got a call, but it was from my mum ringing us to say what had happened. We went straight there & was a half hour journey & arrived to a police car & fire engine & were stopped by a fire fighter. It turned my
    stomach to have to tell him, it was my mum in the accident.

    We saw her car, on its side & badly damaged. She was also very lucky & thankfully no injuries. The police had to lift her out of a window. She had been driving towards a very sharp bend & a police car was behind her. She told us, she thought they were chasing her & as she approached the bend, must've put her foot on accelerator to get away & it also spun around & ended up on its side. She was 82 at the time & to this day, still blames the police. She was speeding & it was her fault. We were just thankful that she wasn't killed or injured & that no other cars or people were involved. I think her alzheimers must have started around that time.
  8. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    Co.Sligo, Ireland
    Thank you too, Cragmaid for your kind reply. Your right, the shock is worse for everyone, after accidents & takes days to get over what's happened.

    My daughter said to me, Mum, I know my headaches aren't serious. But it's so hard to see her suffering every day. When she saw the Consultant a few months ago, he gave her tablets to take only when it got very bad. When she checked, they were ant-depressants & she was afraid to take them. One day, when it was so bad she couldn't bear it any longer & decided to take one. She told me she felt wierd & so much worse & wasn't able to do anything that day.

    I just hope that when she does get to see him again, that he can find out what's causing them & give her medication to help her deal with them. It was so hard for her the day her husband had the car accident. That evening her headache became even worse. I'm sure the shock & worry about him, added to it.
  9. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    I have been thinking of you since you first posted this, Mother goose, and wanting to respond but didn't know quite how. I find that this sort of shock on top of the ongoing dementia struggle can quite wipe me out so I imagine that you are feeling like that.

    Your poor daughter, I know various people who have suffered headaches such as you describe, I am sure she must have tried so many things to get rid of them. My own daughter strangely enough had an appointment cancelled yesterday to test her for coeliac disease, it would be a huge relief to know what is wrong with her and we are almost hoping it IS this illness so that we can deal with it and make her better. Her appointment has been put off for a couple of weeks which is manageable but very disappointing, I send wishes of encouragement to your daughter particularly and hope they come up with something sooner. Sometimes ringing the consultant's secretary can help.

    As a previous poster has said, the "what ifs" plague you dreadfully after something like this.

    Hoping you have a peaceful weekend and please post what happens with your daughter as I for one would like to know.
  10. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    Co.Sligo, Ireland
    Thank you Sistermillicent, for your kind reply.
    I feel the same as you & it certainly does wipe you out when you have a shock, while dealing with alzheimers. I still can't stop thinking about the 'what ifs', but I'm just so thankful that both my mum & my son-in-law weren't killed or injured in their accidents. I'm so thankful too, that my daughter & their 2 children weren't travelling in the car with her husband.

    That's hard for you too, if your daughter is suffering with her health. Has she been tested for any immune conditions? I have an auto immune condition called Sjogrens Syndrome, for the last 10 years. It can affect every part of the body at different times, sometimes together. It dries out all the moisture glands in the body. I find stress & constant worry about my mum & my family makes my symptoms worse.

    It has caused a bowel problem last 3 years & gluten, wheat & dairy affects it. I was tested for coeliac disease when I had a colonoscopy 2 years ago. I was avoiding those 3 when I was tested & it came back normal. I have researched & it seems you need to be eating them for 6 weeks before the test, to get a correct result. I was never told that by the Dr. I still try to avoid them & eat gluten free bread & cereals & use soya milk. I find ice cream & yoghurts affect me, yet 3 years ago, I didn't have a problem. I find it does help, but gluten is in so many foods that it's very hard to avoid them all.

    What symptoms does your daughter get? Does foods with gluten, wheat & dairy affect her? Tesco have a good range of gluten free foods, if that would be any help to your daughter to try while she's waiting for her appointment. Or maybe she has been told to carry on eating the same diet, until she has the coeliac test done. I really hope she gets her appointment soon. Do let me know how she gets on too. Isn't it so hard trying to deal with & our Mums', daughters' & other family members health, as well as our own & to be there for them all.
  11. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    Co.Sligo, Ireland
    We've had bad weather here last few weeks & since my son-in-laws car accident, there was another serious accident only about an hour & a half from us yesterday.
    It was a family of four, a 5 month old baby, his 3 year old sister & their parents. Their car also skidded in the bad weather & overturned. It was so very sad, the baby was killed & his sister & their mum & dad survived.

    Ever since my son-in-laws accident last wednesday, I can't help worrying every time he & my daughter & their 2 young children go out, until they are back home safely. I know it can happen to any of us, but it is so worrying when the weather is bad & they need to go out. I can't wait for the weather to improve.

    I went into my mum's NH this afternoon & had bought her a throw for her bed, to make the room more homely. She's been there 6 weeks now & when I put the throw on her bed, she said will I leave it here when I go home. It's so hard, as she still thinks she is going home. I'm so pleased that she looks so much better than when she first went there, but sadly she thinks there is nothing wrong with her.

    She is more alert since eating & sleeping properly, but her memory is bad. She was always very clean & tidy before alzheimers, last 6 months or so she doesn't seem to realise or be bothered if she has dirty clothes on. I was with her sat & her trousers had stains on & today she was still wearing them. As the NH have 60 residents, I can't expect them to know what each person is wearing every day. When I mention to my mum about changing them, she just says they're ok or they'll do. I'm sure others have the same situation. Several times I've taken her back to her room & given her clean trousers. My husband said, don't worry about it. Trouble is, I do.

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