It's the waiting that's most difficult...

Discussion in 'End of life care' started by Ionna, Jul 15, 2015.

  1. Ionna

    Ionna Registered User

    Jan 19, 2014
    35
    Surrey
    Mum has once again hit another level. It's been 2 weeks since she last had a sip of water. I didn't think she would make it through that weekend so I contacted my family and advised them to come. They did and were shocked when they saw mum. They were also sure that mum would pass that weekend. That was on the 4th of July. By some miracle - if it can be described as one- mum is still with us. The DN's and Palliative nurses have no idea what to make of it. She is functioning on a very basic level, heart, lungs, kidneys are still operating, but she has not been responsive for weeks. Her breathing has gone from erratic to laboured. She's had large pauses between breathes (longest so far 24 seconds) but for the past 2 days it has all settled down and become very even. If you didn't know anything about her you would just think she was a frail old lady having a sleep. I'm glad she appears to be comfortable.
    In my mind I'd geared myself up to thinking that once she had lost the ability to swallow and could not take on board any liquid then it would be a few days...now it's weeks. Didn't think was possible for a healthy person to last longer than 10 days without water let alone a person with mums condition. Throughout this journey with my mother hasn't been very predictable. So no one is surprised that she going against the grain now. I have to laugh to stop myself from crying.
    She is a little fighter. I say little because there really is nothing left. Mum is so frail. Her body is breaking down - sores have started to appear everywhere. It's hard to contain.
    I'm surprised her GP has not been to visit for nearly 2 weeks or even call to see how she is. He last saw her on the 3rd and along with everyone else gave me "the look". So I knew what stage she was going into. Still he said he might pop in today (which didn't) or Friday, but that was only because I called him to ask what I should do with regards to ordering mums dressings and other bits and pieces. I also wanted advice on how to maintain the sores...he didn't come up with anything.
    Anyway, I digress. Thought I would just share the fact that my amazing mother continues to be just that. I think she'll carry on until the weekend if not longer. Wow...or as I keep asking the good Lord and anyone else that'll listen...WHY???
    Feel at a bit of a loose end and I know she'll catch me off guard. My big sis has been here since that first weekend and when Marie Curie are not here we split the night sits between us. I'm tired and restless. I feel trapped, but too scared to leave the house. Don't want her to go alone, but it may not be avoidable. Lots of people say that mum's not ready or that she is waiting for someone - I wish I knew who otherwise this is going to be very long wait!
    No idea what else to say really so I'll wish you a pleasant, well rested and peaceful evening.

    Take care xx
     
  2. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,975
    Toronto, Canada
    Ionna, I have heard many people say that once they told their loved one good-bye and to let go, that their loved one died peacefully. I also know someone whose father kept waving him and his sister out of the room. They finally left and their father died within the half hour. It's so difficult to determine.

    My hopes and wishes are for your mother to have a quiet and serene passing.
     
  3. Demonica66

    Demonica66 Registered User

    Oct 23, 2014
    55
    Hi Ionna, one thing I have learned as a nurse is that everyone's passing is different. It sounds as if your Mum is not suffering and is peacefully entering a final stage. This, or a very sudden demise, is the way that everyone would like to go, I think. Your Mum sounds like she has an indomitable spirit and she is so obviously loved. Whilst this is such a sad situation, it is also evident by your description of her, that you will continue to celebrate your Mum and her life and your Mum will know this. I too, will probably experience my Mum passing sooner rather than later. I only hope that it is as serene, loving and dignified as your experience. Thoughts are with you. X


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  4. Ionna

    Ionna Registered User

    Jan 19, 2014
    35
    Surrey
    Good evening Canadian Joanne and Demonica66,
    I hope you are well.
    Not sure how to set mum free and I wonder if she is able to do it for herself. I hope I'm not the reason she's staying...I guess we'll just take each day as it comes.

    Thank you for responding. I hope that your journeys are filled with happy times and memories that you will cherish. It is not easy, but I hold on to the hope that God will not give us more than we can bear - though I think I have reached my limit and I hope mum has too.

    x
     
  5. Katrine

    Katrine Registered User

    Jan 20, 2011
    2,856
    England
    Dear Ionna, have you had a chaplain/priest/minister to say prayers in your mum's room?

    We hope that when our time comes a deceased loved one or an angel will come to escort us, or Jesus will take us by the hand, or there will be a bright light to walk into, or we will find ourselves standing at the pearly gates. These are just images that we mortals have constructed to help us understand the great transition. Who knows what it is really like?

    I wonder if your mum needs spiritual guidance to let go? I am sure you are constantly praying for her.
    I just wonder if a bit of official type praying with holy water and oil might be what she's waiting for.

    Thinking of you today, love Katrine x
     
  6. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,963
    North East England
    "When it is your time, Mum. When your name gets to the top of the list" This is what I said to my late Mum when she would call out that she wanted to die.

    Your Mum will let go, when it's her time......but the watching and waiting is the hardest part. I felt as if I'd been holding my breath forever.

    We are here, supporting you from the shadows.

    Peace will come, eventually.x.
     
  7. Ionna

    Ionna Registered User

    Jan 19, 2014
    35
    Surrey
    Now the silence...

    Just when I thought my mother could and would go on for a few more days she sadly passed this morning just before 11am. As hoped I was by her bedside - not that she would have known, but it meant a lot to me to know that she passed peacefully and quietly. The DN was here changing mums syringe driver and my mother's passing almost went unnoticed. Calm and serene.
    Mum is still with me. My husband and sister here too and we are waiting for the rest of the family to arrive then she will go the funeral home and I really will have to say farewell. I think it will hit me then - I don't know why it hasn't already. I think it best to keep myself busy. The house seems very still...very silent.

    Thank you Craigmaid and Katherine for your messages. I do believe that she has gone to be with her mother and sister (who passed away 3 weeks ago). And finally it was her time. she has endured so much...too much, but the suffering is over.

    Wishing you all a blessed evening. xx
     
  8. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    2,474
    London
    My deepest condolences to you and your family xx
     
  9. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,975
    Toronto, Canada
    My condolences to you and your family.
     
  10. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,963
    North East England
    Ionna, I'm so sorry for your loss, When I said, this morning, that peace would come eventually, I naturally did not expect it's arrival quite so soon.
    But the peace came anyway and your dear Mum has gone to meet those who went before. I wish her, and you, God Bless.x
     
  11. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Ionna, please accept my condolences on the death of your mother.
     
  12. Katrine

    Katrine Registered User

    Jan 20, 2011
    2,856
    England
    Mum had a peaceful passing at last. What a blessing. God bless you and sustain you, and may you feel His loving arms around you, today and always. X
     
  13. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    526
    British Isles
    So sorry for your loss Ionna but thankful that her passing was peaceful. Wishing you and your family strength to support each other in your grief.
     

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