Hi I just wanted to post as yet again I sit here with leaky eyes!! As a daughter who has had to deal with rapid decline of her mother it's sometimes just overwhelming. I say the smallest things as today my mum sat making pipe cleaner models. That's good some of you may say! She's actively engaging you may tell me. But actually this smallest of things broke my heart. Why you might ask. The reason is simple. All my life there was this wonderfully strong, widely opinionated lady who was always there. Pipe cleaner dolls was just not what she does. Sorry if I sound like I'm moaning about a small thing but to me it just summarised everything that I cannot yet accept about dementia and what happens.
It's the smallest things that are sometimes the hardest...
- Thread starter pjapril
- Start date
it’s heartbreaking, I long for my mum, not the terrified old lady I have now.
I so get you and feel the horrible sinking feeling.
Sending you gentle hugs. XX
I so get you and feel the horrible sinking feeling.
Sending you gentle hugs. XX
Exactly!! I struggle with this so much. My mum also hated anything to do with Halloween and I understand the care home may be trying to make it jolly but I just find the childish decorations depressing. She was making the dolls on the dementia ward in the hospital today and moves tomorrow to the care home where I am just praying the decorations are down before she arrives. Or what do I know!! Maybe she will love it now. I just wish there was more dignity in dementia care. I'm not sure proud professional people being handed pipe cleaners or paper ghosts is dignified. Maybe I am totally wrong and it's good for stimulation or activity - but for me it's just so so hard to see
My Mum has been in care 15 mnths.
Even after losing 2.5 dress sizes, what gets me the most still is the decline in Mums physical appearance.
I get annoyed when the carers comb Mums hair the opposite way.
Frustrated at Mums ever growing upper lip moustache ( she wont let me touch it) , sad at how Mum no longer puts on lipstick, couldnt care less if her nails are cut or painted.... all little things, but things that made Mum, my Mum
Mum has only ever commented once that colouring in activity was childish, and balloon game was stupid, but Yes know what you mean there too.
Even after losing 2.5 dress sizes, what gets me the most still is the decline in Mums physical appearance.
I get annoyed when the carers comb Mums hair the opposite way.
Frustrated at Mums ever growing upper lip moustache ( she wont let me touch it) , sad at how Mum no longer puts on lipstick, couldnt care less if her nails are cut or painted.... all little things, but things that made Mum, my Mum
Mum has only ever commented once that colouring in activity was childish, and balloon game was stupid, but Yes know what you mean there too.
I agree so much. This is the part of dementia that I never ever thought about before. People tell me its effecting me far more than her and she "doesn't know" - but how do we know that? These are the heart aching sad parts of this illness that causes us so much pain.My Mum has been in care 15 mnths.
Even after losing 2.5 dress sizes, what gets me the most still is the decline in Mums physical appearance.
I get annoyed when the carers comb Mums hair the opposite way.
Frustrated at Mums ever growing upper lip moustache ( she wont let me touch it) , sad at how Mum no longer puts on lipstick, couldnt care less if her nails are cut or painted.... all little things, but things that made Mum, my Mum
Mum has only ever commented once that colouring in activity was childish, and balloon game was stupid, but Yes know what you mean there too.
Hi, I couldn’t agree more. I brought my mum a children’s snuggle toy and was complimented by the home she resides in. I wanted to scream and shout that I don’t want to buy my mum a children’s comfort toy, I want to buy her the gifts that would suit her vibrant personality before dementia stole her from me instead I’m now restricted to cuddly toys and babies comforters. Bright side is Mum does love it
I read these comments with tears in my eyes, perhaps one day my eyes will remain dry. I visit my mum every day in her care home as she is now at end of life and confined to bed and has lost all interest in doing anything. It is the decline in her physical appearance that breaks my heart. Just a year ago she was 13 stone and now she is under 6 and her lovely face and hair that she too, took such a pride in is vanishing before my eyes. I don’t know how I get through each day just sitting holding her hand repeatedly telling her that we all love her in the hope that she understands. Sorry I sound so pitiful but I know you will all understand.
Don’t know about you but I retreat to being a child with my Mum and hold her hand all the time.
@Scouts girl no way do you sound pitiful.x
@Scouts girl no way do you sound pitiful.x
I too have very leaky eyes tonight! The love and support on this forum - and knowing you all sit there sharing the same heart ache is a comfort. I wish so much that I could be there every day but I can't because of my job. Mum too is now just 5 st 4. She was never big but the GP spent so much of this year telling me there was "no explanation" for her weight loss and we had to get to crisis point and hospital before dementia was even mentioned or diagnosed medically. I think when our mums took such pride in their appearances - the lipstick the hair the clothes - to see anything else just makes us want to weep. Mum hasn't had a bath or shower in days - and no matter what I say to the hospital nothing is done....am just hoping the care home can help ....
It
it is not pitiful at all. I am fairly new to this site and it's only now I realise I'm not alone. It has helped me so much. I now read several times a day and although I don't comment much just knowing I'm not alone or abnormal in my thoughts and worries is great. Especially that here we can say what we really feel without upsetting loved ones or being judged for things others who are not going through this nightmare may deem inappropriate. Hugs to you all xx
Mum has a cuddly rabbit called petal. It is her favourite possession. On sat when I visited mum was in tears as petal was lost!! The staff found her having a "wash and blow-dry" as mum had had an accident in the night and the rabbit had been scooped up with the bedding. It was tragic to see my mum weeping over a cuddly rabbit
We all are sharing this same emotion. I feel for you so much. Mum lost her life line in hospital - the diary that she keeps in her hands to record everything she can (mostly incorrect info that she wants to happen!) It was missing for days and caused endless searches due to her distress. It miraculously reappeared 2 days ago - with no explanation and she just wanted to know why I had been hiding it!! Sometimes I wish i could climb inside her head just for a while so I could understand...
What is hard for you (which is understandable), might be an agreable activity for your mother.
PWD are like children. If they are happy children, we have achieved a great result
Hi fireflame, it is the small things isn't it. Seeing our lives ones doing things you know they would've hated before and being so different from how they were. Mum is like a small child who needs reassurance all the time. We have times when she is with it and we can laugh so much but then she will get muddled again. She is worried she has dementia (she has) but the staff in home tell her she hasn't as they've realised the importance of the "love lies". I am blessed that mum is in a home where she is really cared about as a person. Sending you a huge hug xxx
These replies and everything I read on this site helps me all the time - apart from anything it's good to know I am not alone as sometimes it all feels so overwhelming. Mum has done just 3 days in the care home and it's so heart breaking. She wins the prize for the most inventive escape attempts.... last night I had to ask for her mobile to be taken. Hardest thing I have ever done as I work abroad and it was always our contact. But she is spending all day and night ringing random numbers and asking them to call the police to come and get her... not to mention leaving me 30 minute silent voice mails... the home are wonderful and will bring her to the landline. Day or night. Still no bath or shower but I trust the staff as I know how hard it is. For me it helped to read a lot about grief as recommended by others. We all are grieving for the big and the little parts of the past. I won't pretend my mum was perfect but she was always there - my one constant. This awful disease hasn't taken my mum but it's taken so many things from me (sounds selfish I know but it's how I feel). For me the rapid rapid decline is so hard. I wish we could have had more time at home. But at least she is safe (and she has made a new friend with the same cunning plans to escape!!). Whenever I feel overwhelmed I still get a smile at her asking me if she would have to do "hurdles" when activities were mentioned x
Hello MJW thanks for replying.My mum is still at home and luckily has a marvellous carer who lives next door,but how long this will continue who knows.It's comforting to read how people are coping with such similar problems,.I'm pleased you have found a good home for your Mum.I know it can be very difficult.Hugs to you too.xx
It is so hard isn't it? Everyone telling us they are "enjoying " it but we just remember how they were and we are the ones dealing with the whole dignity issue.I visited the care home after Halloween when a staff member happily showed me a photo of my mom wearing a wig for Halloween. It was meant to please me, to show she was taking part but I could see the look on her face in the photo, my poor mom, so out of place, so uncomfortable
