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It's so hard and doesn't get easier....

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Nettynoo, Nov 14, 2017.

  1. Nettynoo

    Nettynoo Registered User

    Oct 5, 2017
    44
    Female
    I have just a phone call from mum. she informed me dad has kept her awake most of the night. He was anxious and talking but not making much sense, he usually talks about needing a room for the night and how he can't find his home. Dad in the afternoon went out through the front door and up the road, mum noticed through the window that he had gone and headed off after him. I really don't know how my mum gets the strength to cope with dads dementia.

    After mum rang me 5 minutes later the phone went, it was mum saying dad wanted to talk to me. My dad hasn't spoke on the phone for years, he told me he was going berserk and didn't know what to do. I told him it isn't his fault as it's the dementia and that he must stay safe and not leave the house alone. Mum straight away locked the door and will do this from now on.

    I visit mum on 2 days and give mum restbite, carers come in and help dad to get dress but he is struggling with the different ones each time and yesterday a very young lady came and he refused her help. Mums lack of sleep is worrrying me, i have read so much on dementia but at the end of the day i still don't know the answers.

    I know it is tough for all of you on here, but thank you for listening to my worries.
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    3,957
    Female
    Scotland
    Wandering was a serious problem for us up until about three years ago. It had become so bad and my husband had gone missing or been picked up so often that social services said they would part fund him for care for his own safety.

    The turning point was an increase in the anti depressant Trazodone and an increase in daycare which occupied and entertained him.

    He would still wander if left alone but does not have the urge to go out which he did at that time so is more manageable. Go back to his consultant and explain how serious this has become.
     
  3. Nettynoo

    Nettynoo Registered User

    Oct 5, 2017
    44
    Female
     
  4. Nettynoo

    Nettynoo Registered User

    Oct 5, 2017
    44
    Female
    Dad has barely been able to walk , so bad we have bought a wheelchair so he could get out and about, so it was such a suprise to hear he got halfway up the street. This is the first time he has left the house alone. Thanks for your reply.
     
  5. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    119
    Hi Nettynoo, my Dad looked after my Mum for many years with my help to give him respite. I will never know if this led to his death in August but I hope not. My did not wander when Dad was alive but she does now she lives with us. She has escaped many times and at first it was a horrific experience for us but now we let her go and pick her up in the car once she has had enough of it. We told the SW that we now bolt the front door at the top and remove the key and we have also taken all keys from the back door and the frenchdoors. Because of this she said that we were depriving Mum of her liberty!!! She had to come to the house to see Mum and myself and my husband to check that all was well!
    I dread to think what they expect us to do? Let Mum wander willy nilly, run into the road, talk to the wrong people who may harm her or steal from her?
    This is the first time I have ever had dealings with social workers. I dont think they know what its like in the real world at all.
    Anyway, good luck to you Nettynoo x
     
  6. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    119
     
  7. Nettynoo

    Nettynoo Registered User

    Oct 5, 2017
    44
    Female

    I think you did the right thing and in doing this kept your mum safe. I have advised mum to lock the doors now and keep them hidden from dad. I am sorry to hear you lost your dad , you must miss him dearly. My worry is mum is doing too much , but she is learning to share the load with me and my sisters. Haven't met any of the social workers yet, but one is visiting mum this week. They always say to mum that she is wonderful and worry about her not getting enough help. I wish you well and thank you for messaging me x
     
  8. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    119
    Thanks Nettynoo. I’m afraid there’s not much help whoever visits and although they mean well, we are really on our own in this situation. No-one can take it away or be there with you 24/7.
    Mum took herself off to bed and hour ago and she’s been down to ask me something at 7 times. It’s like Chinese water torture! I feel I’m living in a nightmare and I miss my dad so much x
     
  9. Nettynoo

    Nettynoo Registered User

    Oct 5, 2017
    44
    Female
    Sorry for the late reply, i can relate to what you're going through and how hard it is. I hope you are ok x
     
  10. MaryH

    MaryH Registered User

    Jun 16, 2016
    106
    Ottawa, Canada
    Locking door and hiding the key is a good precaution, especially now that weather is colder. Someone who had dementia wandered off a while back and froze to death despite a search party.
     
  11. Nettynoo

    Nettynoo Registered User

    Oct 5, 2017
    44
    Female
    HI yes Mum now takes the keys out of the door and locks them. Frightening to think what could happen to them is they got out on their own.
     
  12. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    119
    Thankyou Nettynoo x
     
  13. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    119
    Its a necessity MaryH in the case of my Mum. The poor soul that froze, very sad.
     
  14. MaryH

    MaryH Registered User

    Jun 16, 2016
    106
    Ottawa, Canada
    Yup. He did not go far but could not find his way back.. I saw some new devices that has GPS which you can add to clothing .. But I know Mom does not wear the same cloth all the time nor the same shoes..
     

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