its sheer hell

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hello Gordon

Please don`t feel guilty.

You said your mother is in a nursing Home because you can no longer cope. That shows you have coped, I imagine for a long time.

But there comes a time when more than one person is needed to care for someone with dementia. That`s when we have to accept residential care.

I understand how upset you are but you really must not feel guilty. It won`t help you and it certainly won`t help your mother.

Now you can visit her and have some special times with her, and let others take over the really hard grind.

Welcome to talking Point [TP]. i`m sure you will be well supported by people who are in similar situations and really do understand.

Take care xx

fearful fiona

Registered User
Apr 19, 2007
Dear Gordon,

I don't think there is one of us who hasn't done the guilt thing at some stage. My first post on TP was about guilt.

I had to put my Mum and Dad in a care home last summer because I had really got to the end of my tether and knew I hadn't been coping for ages. It was simply time to make sure they were cared for 24/7 by professionals and it was good to be able to visit knowing their every need was cared for.

My Dad died in February in the care home in the best possible way, peacefully, in no pain, and in a place where he was much loved. Part of me wishes he had had longer in such lovely surroundings with such devoted staff and residents.

I don't know your circumstances but in my case there was also a safety aspect, all the time my parents were in their own home it was like an accident waiting to happen, I was worried all the time. No single person can be there 24 hours a day which is what is needed.

Hope you have some nice visits to your mam.


Registered User
Sep 27, 2006
My husband is in a CH so you can imagine the guilt I feel after living together in a very happy marriage for nearly 40 years. Up to this illness we had never had a night apart! However, I knew that I could no longer continue to care for him single handed 24/7, 52 weeks a year. It was just too much.

I now visit him every day and we have developed our own routine which fits in with the mealtimes at the home. We have our afternoons together - I either take him out or we go for a walk as he loves to be outdoors whenever possible. Free from the 24/7 responsibility we now have special quality time together, where I am refreshed and can cope with his problems without the stresses which this put our relationship under before.

The home is excellent - warm, friendly and caring. They make me feel that I am an important part of a team effort. He is safe, well cared for and in a routine which suits his dementia and which I could never provide on a daily basis. All of these things have benefitted him.

On balance, although us not being together 24/7 does cause him distress, I think that I have, in the long run, done the very best for him by letting him be where he now is. I still feel very much involved in his life and he in mine.

So, keep your chin up and keep visiting - This will go a long, long way towards easing your mind.



Registered User
Oct 15, 2005
Please don't feel guilty, you have done your best and are continuing to do your best for your Mam, by getting her into a safe environment and one where she is looked after 24/7. You can now give quality time to her on your visits, something I bet you didn't have time for when she was at home, as we get so wrapped up in the sheer drudge and hard work of looking after someone. Take time for yourself too and come back and post, let us know how you are.


Registered User
Jan 15, 2008
Hi Gordon

I know exactly how you're feeling. I'm in the process of looking for a care home for my mam and I'm constantly feeling guilty.

But I know that she needs more care than I can give. She has had the odd wander in her nightdress so I knew the time was right for her to be in full time care,

However that doesn't take the feeling of guilt away but I'm hoping that I find a nice place for her where she'll be happy and well looked after.

Take care

Roma x