Its just impossible

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Lladro, Oct 7, 2019.

  1. Lladro

    Lladro Registered User

    May 1, 2019
    74
    It just seems to be impossible some times: My wife shouts at me to get out of "her" house - then when I try to go out of the door (because quite frankly by this stage I am quite happy to get out for a while), she will block my way and shout at me to not leave her alone. This repeats itself at regular intervals. I feel completely trapped and helpless. I can't go and I can't stay - Impossible situation. I become annoyed and shout back, this doesn't help of course - Even more of an impossible situation.
     
  2. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    6,106
    Male
    Bristol
    I know the feeling to some degree @Lladro. My partner does not need me, I should go away with one of my floosies today and tomorrow she wants me to stay. Thankfully it rarely gets too heated, but no matter how hard you try to diffuse the situation it is hard not to get a little annoyed and use language you might regret.
    Have you read the compassionate communication thread, which as I just admitted is not as easy to follow as you hope? It is worth reading to reset your compass though.
    https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
    Punching pillows and making an excuse like taking the bins or recycling out can also buy a few minutes to calm down.
     
  3. Pacucho

    Pacucho Registered User

    Dec 20, 2009
    531
    Wembley, Middlesex
  4. PalSal

    PalSal Registered User

    For us gratefully, my husband no longer really cares who is with him. He just hates to be alone....really started about 4 years ago. Luckily, we had always had lots of people coming and going in our lives. So, hiring carers and walkers has made my life easier and given me more freedom. Perhaps you can start bringing people in to help.
     
  5. Buteo

    Buteo Registered User

    Mar 20, 2019
    36
    When it's just the two of you the home can get very claustrophobic when things get shouty. It feels impossible sometimes, but I keep telling myself it's not her it's the dementia and say things like, "I'm sorry I've upset you." A soft answer turneth away wrath. Having other people around as PalSal says can be a real relief.
     
  6. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    441
    Male
    Devon
     
  7. Lladro

    Lladro Registered User

    May 1, 2019
    74
    Thank you - That is kind and helps me. It does seem that the Americans (for all of their pretty evident faults) , are quite far ahead of us here in attempting to deal with Dementia .
     
  8. Lladro

    Lladro Registered User

    May 1, 2019
    74
    Thank you for the kind reply. There is only me to deal with this, no family to help, no close friends. We have always been quite an insular couple, just thinking that we needed only each other to love and be loved. Now that approach seems silly and selfish .
     
  9. Lladro

    Lladro Registered User

    May 1, 2019
    74
    Thank you for your kind reply. I have managed to bring a carer in for three hours a week now. It has worked out well, whereby my wife believes that the lady is a friend who comes to see her and take her out. Maybe this can be extended, but my wife seems so dependant on me and so upset when she thinks that I am not around (even though I am). One day at a time is all I can manage at the moment. The future scares the hell out of me.
     
  10. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    611
    Female
    I like your wisdom @Buteo; have just looked up 'A soft answer .......... ' and I'll try to remember the sentiment.
     
  11. Lladro

    Lladro Registered User

    May 1, 2019
    74
    HI, yes I have read the thread. I actually have it saved onto my laptop to look at and remind me how good it is - putting some of it into practice, now that's a completely different kettle of fish...
    I find myself getting more than a little annoyed , I used to pride myself that I had never sworn in front of my wife in 30 years of marriage , well that one has gone out of the window along with my self respect. I manage to give myself tension headaches and for the first time in my life, I actually don't like "me". The following day when everything has calmed down, I just can't quite believe that what happened the previous evening actually happened at all, unfortunately it did.
    I will keep trying each day. I will never leave her, I will never abandon her. I will always be there for her , even if I am the one shouting at her. I love her from the depth of my soul and always will.
     
  12. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    6,106
    Male
    Bristol
    I think most of us who are carers feel the way you expressed that final paragraph, Lladro. I see you have a carer in for 3 hours a week, and if you can manage to get your wife to accept a day centre for half a day a week too then it will help. My partner is usually reluctant to go when I try to get her out to her centre, but enjoys it once she is there and I get 3 hours with a walking and social group.
    Good luck and strength to you.
     
  13. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,894
    Kent
    It`s so easy with hindsight. I still think about some of the mistakes I made and feel embarrassed at my loss of control.

    However when you are in the thick of it it`s so much easier said than done.
     
  14. Buteo

    Buteo Registered User

    Mar 20, 2019
    36
    Not silly or selfish - but dementia changes everything.
     
  15. Buteo

    Buteo Registered User

    Mar 20, 2019
    36
    Too kind!
     
  16. Juba

    Juba Registered User

    Jul 27, 2019
    27
    Thanks Paco - I really needed to read this right now. Having an awful time and just feeling totally overwhelmed but this helps add some perspective.....
     

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