It's happening again


Registered User
Mar 13, 2004
HI three years ago my mother died, she had alz and many other diseases. At 39 I finally married after her death and had a child at 40, he is now 21 months old, I think my dad might have dementia, he clings to me all the time and doesn't really like going into his bedroom. He has no memory loss but doesn't sleep well. I saw on the doctor's computer the words early dementia but no one has actually said it to me yet. I told one of my siblings but there is going to be no support there again.
With a young baby I really don't know how I'm going to cope. I am gutted that this has come to my family again, how am I going to go through this a second time?
I have decided I'm not going near social services or any of those so called people who help, with mum, I ended up getting rid of them within weeks.
Life is so cruel.
Last edited:


Registered User
Dec 1, 2006
Dear Magic, I'm really sorry to read the news about your father. It sounds as if you have already been through the mill with your mother's care and I'm not surprised you are so worried that things may repeat themselves.

I am not professionally qualified to advise abut your dad , however, my first thoughts are that he may still be grieving deeply for your mother and suffering from depression rather than dementia, as he has no memory loss. Depression might account for the sleeplessness.Perhaps he doesn't like returning to the bedroom he and your mum used because it brings back too poignant memories.

It doesn't surprise me that he 'clings' to you. You have been the rock over the years and he must need you badly. Would it not be an idea to return to the doctor and ask her gently for an explanation of your dad's diagnosis? You are his main carer,so that must surely be OK. You need to know in order to help him appropriately. The doctor may simply have been querying early dementia amongst other possible diagnoses.'Dementia-like symptoms' can occur with common problems such as urinary tract infections. Has she excluded depression and UTI's I wonder?

Realistically, you may not need extra help at present but somewhere along the line, if your dad DOES have dementia,for the sake of your family I would try and keep an open mind about other sources of help. Have you heard about Admiral nurses, for instance, who are specially trained to help families caring for people with dementia?

Things may not be as bad as you fear, but in any case, I would try to keep open as many sources of help and communication as you can because if the worst comes to the worst,( which let's pray it doesn't) you are going to need friends and support wherever you can get it.

Thinking of you and wishing you well,



Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Magic

Glad to meet you, I've read some of your earlier posts (Magic's wedding intrigued me!), but sorry for the reason you're back.

I think Deborah may have a point. Has your dad been referred to a consultant for a full diagnosis? The symptoms could well be those of depression, and that would be expected after the death of your mum.

My dad was crippled with arthritis, and became confused at times as a result of all the pain-killing medication he was taking. I remember his GP referring on one occasion to his 'dementia', and I was shocked. It turned out that he was just referring to the confusion, not to AD or any of the other horrible dementias we're used to.

I'd have a word with the GP and get it clarified.

I'm sorry your marriage is struggling, and hope you manage to glue it together again. It's worth the effort!:)

And your baby, please tell us more.

Let us know how you get on. Most of the people may be different, but we're just as friendly and caring.



Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
HI Magic

I would agree to try and speak to your Dad's GP without your Dad present. Take your baby with you, let the GP understand your difficulties. Find out more fully what may be the problems.

You will be exhausted with a 21 month old, that is not an easy stage and to deal with an ill relative at the time is not easy, so if you can find help do accept it. You may find the experience different this time, although I can well understand your fears about it.

Remember that you child is your future and must be a priority in your plans. A HV told me that just after my sons were born and it helped me greatly whenever I felt conflict in the times that came. You will do your best for your Dad becuase you care, I know that, and for your child you love. I jsut wish it could be easier.




Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
Dear Magic,
I agree that life is very cruel.
I agree with previous posts about getting your Father diagnoised properly.
Congratulations on your baby. I hope you do not mind me being blunt but as much as you love your Dad, you too have a life and a child. It is only something that I have told my own children, that although they care, the must live their lives.
I do wish you all the best.


Registered User
Mar 23, 2008
coast of texas
Dear Magic.

Mom was so in love with dad that when he died it tore her up. It took a few years for me to get her to realize that he was not gone foreever. I do know that the depression that insued after his death may have covered up her own early stages of AD.

MOm spent years doing everything in sight volunteer wise to cover her pain. It helped her, but in the end I had to talk gently with her and her dr. If his GP chooses to question dementia ask for a mental status exam. Tell your father that you love him but are worried for his health. You are his rock and his security blanket now. He will trust your judgement as long as it seems to him you are not pushing him away. If the exam shows signs then you know that you need to start implementing little steps to help yourself. An AD patient is as tiring as a toddler to raise. If he is early stages it may not show, but keep it up yearly. If he passes I would suggest maybe finding a way to help him mourn the passing of your mother and make it more constructive to his health.

I also have a suggestion as to your marriage. A new marriage is not easy and this is an added burden. Perhaps you have a friend who can come sit with your father while you have a "date" with your husband. I would suggest a 2nd sitter for your child also.
THis time with your husband can be something you both enjoy or perhaps just a walk. I would make the rule of no talking of what goes on in the house but of talk of the both of you. Your joys your accomplishments, dreams....

Unfortunately life is a long journey and in order to travel it we must first figure out our mode of transportation....I do not recommend a one-man motorcycle. I hope I have been able to help a little and I hope you are able to find that safe ride.




Registered User
Jun 13, 2008
Dear Magic
So sorry to read that you are going through it again. I am going throught this with mum(Ian's mum) for the first time at the age of 43 with a 7 month old daughter and 2 sons 10 and 15 from a previous relationship. Our weekends are spent going over to see mum at least once on the Friday and then often again over the weekend. Added to this that our babies are now teething(first tooth today) and we have forgotten what a full nights sleep is- we are running on empty.
I cannot praise Leics Social Care enough and the CPN- I have just forced a reassessment of mum and out of it we have got an Age Concern going in 3 hours a week to do activities such as shopping or trips out and mum has agreed to go to a day centre once a week. Shopping with mum is a nightmare so am pleased about Age Concern- it is paid by Social Care. Took mum to Morrisons and fiance phone expecting us to be finished and home and we were still in the first aisle!! Not pleasant with a screaming baby standing there while mum decided which tin of meat to buy!
Magic - you need to get help and fast- the sooner a diagnosis is made then you can push for more help- it is not reasonable to be expected to cope alone.

hope to chat soon

Julie and family xx


Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
Hello dear friend, I am so very sorry to read your latest news.

What a blow for dad and you to have to come to terms with.
As to your words about your siblings, families don't change do they.:mad:

Sorry that I have no words of comfort, but am thinking of you and will add you to my prayers.

Cannot believe the little one is 21 months.:) How time flies.

Just words again I know, but try to stay strong. Love to you all.


Registered User
Mar 13, 2004
Thank you

Thanks to everyone for all of their advice. All of it totally valid and useful, it;s no wonder I have rushed here as my first port of call.
You're all right of course, I do need to see the GP and discuss this properly, I'm afraid I just saw the words dementia (my most feared word in the whole universe!) and panicked.
Strangley my husband doesn't see a problem in the marriage, he is very supportive of dad, it's me who feels trapped and terrified, I'm the one with all the irrational worries, but then, it's not his dad!
Thank you for talking some sense everyone, I will see the GP and no matter what comes I'll cope, I did before and mum was totally away with the fairies, but the opposite sex parent presents more complicated issues with regard to personal care etc.
TP never failed me before, and yet again with a whole new set of angels in place bar Connie (hiya!) the support continues.

Nutty Nan

Registered User
Nov 2, 2003

Dear Magic,
I have been thinking of you only recently when I noticed how many TP members there are now - there were only about 300 when I joined, and I remember your posts so well!

I would like to say 'welcome back', but am very sorry that you have these worries again. If the GP does confirm your worst fears, do ask about a CPN: things may be different this time - I didn't know about CPNs when my husband was diagnosed, and later, the first two ladies were not at all helpful. However, when the third lady came on board due to staff changes, we found her easy to talk to and she has given us much advice throughout the last few years, she has pulled many strings, and she has helped out in several moments of crisis. She was also a very valuable link between us and Social Services.

Belated congratulations on your baby, and very best wishes!!


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Thank you for that link, Connie, I hadn't come across that poem.

Magic, it's wonderful. It expresses everything I feel as I sit holding my John's hand, willing him to open his eyes and smile.

It's written from the heart, and so true it makes me cry.

Thank you so much,



Registered User
Mar 13, 2004

Thanks for that Connie x.

Thanks too Skye that poem really meant so much and spoke all that was in my heart, I'd forgotten about it. I'm so sorry you're hurting.


Registered User
Aug 15, 2006
south wales
Dear Magic
Ss soory to hear about your problem you are being so brave,do try social services again they could come up trumps they have improved.Have you tried CROSSROADS they have been very good with me and Kath the carers really take an interst .
Wishing you all the best