It's been a year

[Elle3]

It's a year today since my dad died in the care home. Not a day goes by when I don't think of him or miss him. Dementia is a cruel illness, but I have decided I am thankful of it, because it brought my dad and I much closer together, I saw far more of him than I probably would have done if he had remained fit and well. I am also thankful of the trust my dad had in me to look after him. That mean’t so much.

The last couple of weeks as this date approached haven't been good, I've not coped well and I've been full of self pity. I've also found it hard this past year to come to terms with the lack of routine that caring for my dad brought. I've visited this site quite often just to read threads and to still feel part of something, but I've realised life has to move on, I no longer have Dementia in my life so I'm going to gradually ween myself off from this site and maybe find a new focus.

Thank you everyone for being there and I wish you all a little bit of happiness and peace in this journey. x

 

[Duggies-girl]

Oh @Elle3 My dad died just last month and we had his funeral on Monday. Like you I am so grateful that I spent so much time with dad now as I realise how close we had become. I learned so many things about him and his life that I probably would never have known otherwise.

I am at a complete loss now as to what to do with my time even though there is loads that I should be doing. I have decided to start with a daily walk because I am now unfit and also a bit overweight, something I never was before.

I think we owe it too our dads to make the best of things and get on with our lives although I am not sure where to start really and it is very early for me yet but I know that is what dad would have said.

I hope you find a new focus and I wish you all the happiness in the world, you deserve it.

 

[MaNaAk]

I have been thinking about both of you and like both of you I still shed a tear. I can't help but think that Mother's Day is coming up when I will be buying flowers for mum, three days after this it will be my late grandmother's birthday so I will buying flowers for her and then in June it wills be dad's anniversary followed by Father's Day. Last year was the worst Father's Day I have ever had coming as it did three days after dad's death. If you read my latest thread you will see why I have had yet another reminder of my caring days and you're right Elle this is a cruel illness but it drew me closer to dad. Perhaps this is one reason why I find it very difficult to get over dad's death because even as a little girl I regarded him as my hero.

MaNaAk

 

[Dimpsy]

It's a year today since my dad died in the care home. Not a day goes by when I don't think of him or miss him. Dementia is a cruel illness, but I have decided I am thankful of it, because it brought my dad and I much closer together, I saw far more of him than I probably would have done if he had remained fit and well. I am also thankful of the trust my dad had in me to look after him. That mean’t so much.

The last couple of weeks as this date approached haven't been good, I've not coped well and I've been full of self pity. I've also found it hard this past year to come to terms with the lack of routine that caring for my dad brought. I've visited this site quite often just to read threads and to still feel part of something, but I've realised life has to move on, I no longer have Dementia in my life so I'm going to gradually ween myself off from this site and maybe find a new focus.

Thank you everyone for being there and I wish you all a little bit of happiness and peace in this journey. x

The first birthday, Christmas, Father's Day, in fact the first of anything is always the biggest hurdle. In a week and a bit it will be three years since I lost my lovely dad, and I know how you feel @Elle3. Don't call it self pity, it's another part of the grieving process. If you hadn't loved your dad you wouldn't feel the pain, so shed your tears, remember the good times and raise a glass to your dad.

 

[CWR]

March is difficult, firstly because this will be my first Mother's day without mum, then 3 days later it would have been her birthday. I know exactly how Elle3 feels. All my life was devoted to looking after mum, and losing that role has been hard. As a few people have said of their loved ones, even in her dementia, mum kept much of her lovable character. Only a year ago, when she left hospital, the nurses were fussing over her and said they wished all their patients were as pleasant as she was, and when she left respite carers would give her a big hug. She told me often of her love for me, and knowing I will never hear her say that again pains me. I still look over at the building housing the lunch club she attended every time I pass it. I feel ok till I think about it, but if I dont think about it, I feel I should be.It is a kind of limbo, one major part of my life having gone, but not feeling able yet to move on to the next part.

 

[Elle3]

Oh @Elle3 My dad died just last month and we had his funeral on Monday. Like you I am so grateful that I spent so much time with dad now as I realise how close we had become. I learned so many things about him and his life that I probably would never have known otherwise.

I am at a complete loss now as to what to do with my time even though there is loads that I should be doing. I have decided to start with a daily walk because I am now unfit and also a bit overweight, something I never was before.

I think we owe it too our dads to make the best of things and get on with our lives although I am not sure where to start really and it is very early for me yet but I know that is what dad would have said.

I hope you find a new focus and I wish you all the happiness in the world, you deserve it.

Thank you Duggies-girl and I am so sorry for your loss, it's hard isn't it.

I have found the longer it has been since my dad passed the worse it has got. Initially I felt I still had some focus, I still had things to organise and I didn't feel guilty to finally take time out for myself. But now I do. I totally agree with you we do owe it to our dads to make the best of things and get on with our lives so that is what I'm going to try to do. I wish you happiness too and the best of luck , I hope you too find what you deserve.

Take care. x

 

[Elle3]

I have been thinking about both of you and like both of you I still shed a tear. I can't help but think that Mother's Day is coming up when I will be buying flowers for mum, three days after this it will be my late grandmother's birthday so I will buying flowers for her and then in June it wills be dad's anniversary followed by Father's Day. Last year was the worst Father's Day I have ever had coming as it did three days after dad's death. If you read my latest thread you will see why I have had yet another reminder of my caring days and you're right Elle this is a cruel illness but it drew me closer to dad. Perhaps this is one reason why I find it very difficult to get over dad's death because even as a little girl I regarded him as my hero.

MaNaAk

Thank you NaNaAk, I have been reading your threads, but not read the latest, I will go and look.

I was always closer to my mum, until she unexpectedly died in 2008, this then brought myself and my dad closer together, I don't think I ever really grieved for my mum properly then as I had to be strong for my dad and take care of him. Then when the Dementia became obvious I became even closer to my dad as I spent more time with him. I have found that losing my dad last year has brought forward the feeling of losing my mum too as it's like I have lost her all over again.

Birthdays, anniversaries, mothers day, fathers day etc are all tough times but I have decided to celebrate each of them in remembrance with things that my mum and dad both loved, the things they did, places they visited and their favourite foods etc. It gives me something to look forward to, rather than be upset by. So although yesterday was tough being the first year of my dad's death, I did things I knew my dad would have enjoyed which made it better and easier to deal with. I hope this is something you can do too.

Take care. x

 

[Elle3]

The first birthday, Christmas, Father's Day, in fact the first of anything is always the biggest hurdle. In a week and a bit it will be three years since I lost my lovely dad, and I know how you feel @Elle3. Don't call it self pity, it's another part of the grieving process. If you hadn't loved your dad you wouldn't feel the pain, so shed your tears, remember the good times and raise a glass to your dad.

Thank you Dimpsy, you are so right. I tried to make yesterday special and did things my dad and I often did together and enjoyed. It made the day special and I hope to continue that tradition in his memory and in my mums.

I hope you day of remembrance in a weeks time, is not too sad for you.

Take care. x

 

[Dimpsy]

Thank you Dimpsy, you are so right. I tried to make yesterday special and did things my dad and I often did together and enjoyed. It made the day special and I hope to continue that tradition in his memory and in my mums.

I hope you day of remembrance in a weeks time, is not too sad for you.

Take care. x

Thank you @Elle3, I'm ever so glad you had a special day yesterday and setting a tradition like that is a brilliant idea, I'm going to do that as well - even if it's to watch 'The Sky at Night', my dad watched every episode from the start until he passed.
It won't stop the tears, but it's a positive thing to do.
Best wishes to you to xxxx

 

[Elle3]

March is difficult, firstly because this will be my first Mother's day without mum, then 3 days later it would have been her birthday. I know exactly how Elle3 feels. All my life was devoted to looking after mum, and losing that role has been hard. As a few people have said of their loved ones, even in her dementia, mum kept much of her lovable character. Only a year ago, when she left hospital, the nurses were fussing over her and said they wished all their patients were as pleasant as she was, and when she left respite carers would give her a big hug. She told me often of her love for me, and knowing I will never hear her say that again pains me. I still look over at the building housing the lunch club she attended every time I pass it. I feel ok till I think about it, but if I dont think about it, I feel I should be.It is a kind of limbo, one major part of my life having gone, but not feeling able yet to move on to the next part.

Yes you are right, Dementia can change behaviour and rob our loved ones of their memory, but something still remains of their character and this can be heart warming. Even though my dad had severe dementia and lost his communication and cognitive skills, seeing my dad smile and his face light up when he saw me meant everything to me and also the trust he had in me to take care of him will never leave me. I too have lots of memories of my dad and places I associate with him. It is hard to move on sometimes.

Take care. x

 

[MaNaAk]

Thank you NaNaAk, I have been reading your threads, but not read the latest, I will go and look.

I was always closer to my mum, until she unexpectedly died in 2008, this then brought myself and my dad closer together, I don't think I ever really grieved for my mum properly then as I had to be strong for my dad and take care of him. Then when the Dementia became obvious I became even closer to my dad as I spent more time with him. I have found that losing my dad last year has brought forward the feeling of losing my mum too as it's like I have lost her all over again.

Birthdays, anniversaries, mothers day, fathers day etc are all tough times but I have decided to celebrate each of them in remembrance with things that my mum and dad both loved, the things they did, places they visited and their favourite foods etc. It gives me something to look forward to, rather than be upset by. So although yesterday was tough being the first year of my dad's death, I did things I knew my dad would have enjoyed which made it better and easier to deal with. I hope this is something you can do too.

Take care. x

Dear Elle,

I lost my mum in August 2014 (four days before my birthday!) and whilst I did grieve I must have suppressed my grief because like you I found that when dad passed away I was grieving for her as well. I also found that when mum passed away I would dream about her as if she was still here but now these are less so. On Mother's Day I think we should do exactly what they would have wanted us to do eventhough I don't have children.

MaNaAk

 

[Canadian Joanne]

It's been over three and a half years since my mother died. I think of her or am reminded of her every day. We were extremely close when she was well but the illness did bring us both many challenges. In the last three or four years of her life, she barely spoke. The last year she spoke not at all. So that was difficult.

It does become easier to accept with time. I don't say cope or handle or deal with, as I feel accepting the death was the biggest part for me. My mother was diagnosed at the age of 64, a month after her 64th birthday, and died at the age of 79. It was a very long and arduous journey, filled with much grief, anger, sorrow and frustration.

What was most difficult for me was how my mother was no longer the cool, rational woman who gave me well thought out advice, who was there for me no matter what, who was always my rock. I always felt truly and deeply loved.

But Alzheimer's changed all that. She became irrational, vicious and suspicious. It was so hard. There were still some fleeting moments when I could see my mother and not this other person she had become. These moments were actually heart-breaking and reduced me to tears but I treasure them.

 

[Duggies-girl]

I was always closer to my mum, until she unexpectedly died in 2008, this then brought myself and my dad closer together, I don't think I ever really grieved for my mum properly then as I had to be strong for my dad and take care of him. Then when the Dementia became obvious I became even closer to my dad as I spent more time with him. I have found that losing my dad last year has brought forward the feeling of losing my mum too as it's like I have lost her all over again.

Take care. x

Those could be my words @Elle3 except mum died in 2011 and that was when dads dementia became evident, just like you I had to be strong for dad and take care of him. I had fish and chips with him 3 times a week right up until 2018 when he was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer and was no longer able to eat it. I even watched football on TV with dad although I hate it but dad enjoyed it so I watched it with him. We took him down the coast once a week until his mobility got to bad (fish and chips of course)

I suppose I had to fill in for mum in some way to stop dad from being too lonely. I never had time to properly grieve my mum but she would have been pleased that I took good care of dad so that is something I can hold on to.

You take care @Elle3

 

[MaNaAk]

Dear Elle3,

Just letting you know that I am trying my best to do what mum would have wanted today but as my most recent thread suggests it's not easy because after dad's death I feel I'm grieving for both of them. Of course I would have given myself a day out today but whilst I have to go and buy essentials I will be treating myself. The only people who can truly understand what I am going through are my friends here.

MaNaAk

 

[Bunpoots]

I hope you have a good day @MaNaAk

 

[MaNaAk]

Thankyou @Bunpoots. I hope you have a good day as well and I like to imagine you with your comb.

MaNaAk

 

[Bunpoots]

Thankyou @Bunpoots. I hope you have a good day as well and I like to imagine you with your comb.

MaNaAk

I was playing the riff from "Ghost Town" on it last night. Sounded awful ?

 

[MaNaAk]

I can do a few ghostly effects on the ?!

MaNaAk

 

[Moggymad]

Hi @Elle3 I just wanted to send my best wishes to you. I found my dads first anniversary almost as bad as the day he died. But that was nearly 21 years ago now. We will face another 'first' for my mum later in the year. It's only been 5 months but still a bit raw at times.
I often thought when reading your posts how alike our dads were. My dad had this obsession with going to certain shops at set times & having a routine that he just had to stick to even down to cutting his toenails on a certain day! My dad died suddenly from a heart attack like yours if I remember correctly.
I light a candle on birthdays, anniversaries etc next to their pictures. It helps a bit. My sister, myself & partners were going to use our Xmas present of afternoon tea gift vouchers on mums birthday as a way of celebration. Sadly that's cancelled now.
I wish you & everyone else dealing with first anniversaries well. For me the worst anniversary was the first one. Take Care x