It's All snowballed.

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Taffy, May 2, 2007.

  1. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hello Panda,
    Thanks heaps for the reply so sorry that you are going through the same, it's so hard. I think your right about not wanting things around the room they don't want to identify with it, as their not staying. Mum went two days without packing and told me she was leaving everything for their jumble sale, and that she had plenty of things at her own home. It is very hard trying to come up with excuses all the time as to why they have to stay, I guess I'm lucky in away as mum can't use the phone but she is back to packing and has forgotten about the jumble sale the bed was stacked high, no coaxing could get her to let me put anything back it was so sad she asked "what terrible thing did I do that made you put me here" it's all so sad. We have had terrible storms here and my roof was damaged by a tree, there is flooding everywhere and I have not been able to see mum for three days now so I'm not sure what to expect, she may not even notice(wishful thinking).The power has been out but the phones on, so I have been able to ring. They told me mum thinks she is the gardener now until I take her home as they wont pay the gardeners any money,they are not working for them anymore.:eek: I warned them to watch the flowers she'll pull them out as soon as they bloom. Thanks for the support I will keep you posted. Taffy.:)
     
  2. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    Things not going so well here either, I have had to go to the home every day for the last three days to calm mum down. I have to keep telling her I am trying to sort things out for her to come home. Her bags are all packed as well , the staff at the home have been brilliant they are so supportive but I think mum is wearing them down. Yesterday morning they rang to say mum was calmer and they were going to arrange for some 1-1 for her so she could go out to her day centre twice a week I was able to have a relaxed day and thought we were getting somewhere. ..I was so wrong when I got in from work the home rang to say mum had escaped and gone back to her house, the manager was outside but mum would not let in. I had to race up ther leave my kids with no dinner again and managed to get mum to let me in. She was drinking tea with six week old milk and telling me she was not going back. We had a big argument I was so angry she would not listen to me when I tried to explain she had no medication and she was not safe. I said some terrible things to her.... A very nice policeman turned up and helped me persuade mum to go back to the home.:) But the manager told me that now mum has done this once it will happen again. Now what
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,702
    Kent
    Dear Panda,

    I`m so sorry to hear how your mum is reacting to the home. My mother was just the same, running away from the day centre and her home.

    She once got a taxi home and asked her neighbour to lend her the money for the fare.

    Another time she caught a bus, but when she had no bus fare, was put off the bus, went into the nearest pub and the Landlord phond the police.

    There was no alternative but to have her admitted to a secure EMI unit, which wasn`t pleasant, but at least was safe.

    It`s impossible to cope with it when you have a young family and keep being called out at all hours of the day and night.

    If the manager thinks it will happen again, it will only be because there is a way for your mother to get out.

    Love xx
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Panda

    So sorry that you're having this new worry.

    I've no answers for you, unless as Sylvia says you can have your mum transferred to an EMI unit.

    Just much love and sympathy.
     
  5. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Hello Panda

    I would think it is probably time to find a secure EMI home for your Mum, she needs to be safe and looked after and her current home cannot provide that if she keeps "escaping."

    The same thing happened with my Mum, it was heartbreaking to have to move her to a new home where no-one knew her or understood her likes and dislikes, but the home she was in couldn't guarantee her safety, she could so easily have wandered off and been lost or hurt

    We found a new home for her that is a large house with a garden, all walled in, with a coded door lock that only the staff can open.

    Mum settled quickly and has been there for 2 years now, safe and very well looked after.

    I know moving her will be distressing for you, even for your Mum for a while, but it is probably the best option for you all.

    Kathleen
     
  6. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    I do not think moving mum elsewhere would be the answer at the moment because she has only been in this home 4 weeks,I think that really would distress her. This one has got a code to get out it was just an accident that someone had left the back gate open on the weekend when they had a fete. If she goes missing again I will have to think about one of their sister homes in a place less near to mums house. The worst part was the fact that mum was being so nasty and completly unreasonable, she said she was not ill did not need her medication and how had I let her garden get into such a mess. She has no idea how trying to sort her out I have nearly had a breakdown. I cant understand how the law says if she refuses to leave her house no one can make her, when it is clear to every one she would not last a week.:( My mum is very strong minded but really does not know what is best for her any more.
     
  7. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Dear Panda
    I can so relate to all of this, mum will not settle even though the packing has stopped some days the verbal abuse is terrible, all I can do is try to calm her, she accuses me of everything she justs wants to go home but has no idea where that is.Mums imagination runs wild but until to-day I didn't think she would even think of leaving the home by herself, when I got there, I didn't know what to expect as I hadn't been for two days and on the last visit I was ordered away not to return unless it was to take her home,but mum was waiting didn't even realise no-one had not been and she wanted me to find her brollie as she was going down the town to get a few messages, she is in a secure unit,I did manage to move her thoughts on, but it does become very draining it's a situation that I have to except and for me that's the hard part. I know it's not mums fault she has dementia but it's not my fault either and I'm every bit as miserable as her, it's a no win situation and I'm starting to think that her behaviour will continue until she completely forgets. I guess I'm happy about one thing mum doesn't abuse the other residents or staff, just me. I was the one that took her there she hasn't forgotten that:eek: . I do hope that things get better for you and your mum. (fingers and toes crossed). Taffy.
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,702
    Kent
    Dear Panda and Taffy,

    You are both on other sides of the world, sharing the same draining experiences. You mothers are challenging you to the limit, but you must realize there is no reasoning with either of them.

    The homes they are in are there to help you, as well as them, and however much you love your mothers, when their demands become impossible and you can`t cope any longer, just tell them you are trying your best and if they keep being angry with you, you will have to leave.

    Then tell the staff why you are going. I know it sounds cruel, but I don`t think they will be giving the staff at the homes as difficult a time as they are giving you.

    Of course this is only a suggestion. It worked with my mother when she called me all the names under the sun for not having her to live with me, and it`s worth a try, surely.

    Eventually my mother settled and was much more agreeable. I didn`t expect her to be happy, but at least the visits were tolerable.

    Love xx
     
  9. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hello Sylvia
    Thankyou for your reply I will certainly give your suggestion ago, if it doesn't do any good it surely cannot do any harm. Sylvia, I do hope that things are going much better for you, also hope that they get to the bottom of the pain and that much needed help is forthcoming. Take Care. Taffy.:)
     
  10. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Panda and Taffy

    Sound advice from Sylvia, I would also add, why not leave visiting for about a week, sounds as if you both could do with a break to recharge the batteries.

    Love
    Cate
     
  11. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,125
    Toronto, Canada
    Cate's advice about taking a break for a week is a good one. I've done it myself several times in the past when my mother was being so very difficult.

    As for excuses to keep her there, you can try what I did with my mother when she was in her "I want to leave" phase. I simply said she was paid up to the end of the month & would lose the money if she left early. You can say the end of the week or whatever works. It may not work but it did for me and another member here at TP.
     
  12. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    Thanks for all of your ideas, I saw mum on the weekend and at first she was nice to me and my daughter. After a while she looked at a note the home has given her saying she is there for a few weeks until I can make her home safe. Then she started again saying I was not doing it quick enough and I wanted to lock her away. I did not stay very long and think I may have a week off, I find it is harder for me to go back when I have had a break as I do not know what I am walking into I feel like a complete coward. This is so horrible for Mum but I know she is safe, but I wonder how many years I will have to go through this every time I visit.
     
  13. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Panda, it must be so difficult for you. I think you would be wise to take a break. If you don't, the complaining is just going to start again every time. If you take a break, the habit may be broken. Of course, it may not, but at least you'll have had your break.

    I do hope your mum settles. She's in the best place, but now she has to be convinced of that!

    Love,
     
  14. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Panda

    Wise decision to have a break, Hazel is right, the cycle may be broken if you stay away for a while, fingers crossed hey.

    How long this will go on for, thats up there with how long is a piece of string, sadly. In my experience one problem is usually replaced by another, mine currently is 'stolen biscuits':eek:

    Enjoy the break, have some 'me' time, don't forget to let the NH know you are only available in a dire emergency.

    Take care
    Love
    Cate
     
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,702
    Kent
    Dear Panda,

    Good advice from Hazel and Cate for you to take a break.

    Can I suggest, if it`s at all possible, that when you next visit, you observe your mother, for a while, before she sees you. You might be pleasantly surprised.

    Love xx
     

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