It's All snowballed.

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Taffy, May 2, 2007.

  1. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    Hi Taffy how is it going I am in a similar position as you. Mum went into the care home three days ago like you I am the evil daughter from hell and mum is going to call the police. It is so hard trying to do the right thing I feel dreadfull. I have been advised to keep away for a few days to let mum settle I am hoping it will work but do not believe it will as I know my mum when she has a bee in her bonnet. Any way let us know how it is going and remember people are thinking of you
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,858
    Kent
    Panda and Taffy, Hold tight.

    It might be a bumpy ride but the dreaded deed is done and however long it takes, the worst is over and you will eventually be able to move forwards.

    Take comfort from knowing the reactions are normal, but common sense tells you it`s all for the best.

    You know you are good daughters. You know how much you have both worried about your mothers and how much it has taken out of you.

    Take care, it shouldn`t be long before your posts are much happier.

    Love
     
  3. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    [QUOTE=Grannie G]Panda and Taffy, Hold tight.

    It might be a bumpy ride but the dreaded deed is done and however long it takes, the worst is over and you will eventually be able to move forwards.

    Take comfort from knowing the reactions are normal, but common sense tells you it`s all for the best.

    You know you are good daughters. You know how much you have both worried about your mothers and how much it has taken out of you.

    Take care, it shouldn`t be long before your posts are much happier.

    Love[/QUOTE]


    Dear Taffy and Panda,

    As always, Sylvia has put it in a nutshell! You must both be feeling awful at present and I can only say how much I feel for both of you. Altho' my parents settled well, it was not without its ups and downs.

    As Hazel says As Bruce says, it's something you just have to get through. You have no reason to feel guilty, so don't listen to that monster. Kick him into touch!

    Please stay strong, know you have done what has to be done, and remind yourselves that there was simply nothing else to do that offered the same degree of care that your mothers needed.

    We on TP are here to remind you of the above facts whenever you need reminding!! And in the meantime, some
    {{{HUGS}}} for each of you!
     
  4. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Update on mum.

    This been day five since mum went into care, it seems the initial shock has passed and hopefully forgotten, it appears to be that way. I have seen her each day as it was necessary to settle her on day two, mum is joining in on conversations and went to a concert which she didn't like, it was to noisy, also she went on a short bus trip along the coast taking in the sea views,she enjoyed that.Mum seems to be picking up the routine quite quickly and even has a job in the kitchen washing and wiping up after morning and afternoon tea, she can't seem to work out how come they all come at once. If things continue as they have I feel sure mum will soon forget home altogether, spending time with her without worrying about everything else as well, has made me realise just how bad mum actually is, mum is very well looked after and she hasn't said anything negative about the place, except the concert.So I do hope that I'm reading into this right and the worse is over, I hope it isn't just wishful thinking. I guess time will tell. Take Care. Taffy.
     
  5. Jazzy

    Jazzy Registered User

    Jun 3, 2006
    34
    Derbyshire
    Hi Taffy

    I'm pleased your Mum has settled a bit better and that things are looking up. Nobody knows how traumatic it can be when the person you are caring for goes into a care home, for them and the carers.

    Thinking about you and hope things continue to improve.

    Best wishes
    Jazzy
     
  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Taffy

    It sounds as if you have found the perfect place for your mum. It's amazing that she has settled so quickly.:)

    You must be so relieved that you can now enjoy visiting her.

    Love,
     
  7. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,138
    Toronto, Canada
    What a lucky break!

    Taffy,
    How wonderful for your state of mind that your mother has settled in so quickly. It can take a very long time - my mother packed her clothes every day for 10 or 12 weeks. I can't remember exactly how long, because it was over 6 years ago.

    She didn't have a suitcase but managed to find bin liners & used them. Every night after work, I would arrive at the home, lead her away from the door, and help her unpack. Even the staff was starting to say things like "She should be settled down by now" in a rather negative way. As though I could do something about it:eek:!

    Glad it's going so well. Your mum is safe and sound now. Once your dad has a chance to rest properly, he can get into a visiting routine also.

    Hugs,
    Joanne
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,858
    Kent
    Hi Taffy, what good news.

    If all your mother can find to complain about is a concert, I `think you`re on to a winner. I`m sure you`re reading it right and the worst is well and truly over.

    Love xx
     
  9. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Wonderful news Taffy!! So pleased for you and your Mum!!
    Best wishes from another Aussie. :)
     
  10. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Thankyou all for your support, I visited mum this morning (saturday) and there was no mention at all about coming home. Mum seemed contented enough but I was surprised with the lack of staff, one and a half hrs passed without seeing any staff I'm thinking maybe there was a shortage and they were needed in another ward. Just hoping it is not a weekend cost cutting practise as through the week I visited at all different times and always found someone around.I will keep you posted on that. Taffy.:eek:
     
  11. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    that is good to read that they do those things with your mother xx
     
  12. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hi Margarita, it is good that the residents have different activities they also do painting, the pictures are already drawn and they paint the picture, then it is sent to some art society where they do touch up work and framing. Some completed work is returned, the other works I'm not sure but suspect sold for funding this project. The reason mum doesn't enjoy the concert is the noise she has hearing aids and if they were removed while the concert was on, things would be much better, it's early days for mum eventually the staff will get to know things like this, it all takes time. It's day six and mum has dug her heels in (God Bless Her) she is coming home to-morrow,so I'll have to see what to-morrow brings hopefully she will forget. Regards Taffy.:eek:
     
  13. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Time to go home.

    Well mum has had her little stay, enjoyed herself and now it is time to go home.:eek:. Mum is very keen to come home and has packed her photo frames and nick nacks away, she also has a little support group going and has managed to convince them all, that if someone came to live with them they all could go home, much to the care attendants dismay:eek: All mum seems to focus on is going home she even asked me if the main road was on my way home, could I drop her off as someone would take pity on her, and return her home.(she has no idea where home is) I took dad along to visit mum she was happy to see him until she found out that she wasn't going home.The care attendant said that I should tell her that she is there to stay, but I said no way this would only be detrimental even though mum is focused on going home she doesn't appear to be stressed. I do seem to be able to convince her that she needs to stay awhile longer. Telling mum at this point that she is staying permanently isn't going to make her settle in, quite the opposite. While mum is foscused on home, your better to agree with her and say I'll do all I can to help find someone to look after you, with this she thanks you.I only hope that this doesn't escalate. I would appreciate any input as to what others think....am I doing the right thing by mum, leading her up the garden path...is the care attendant right, mum should be told that's her home now.Regards Taffy.
     
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,858
    Kent
    Dear Taffy,

    You know your mum better than anyone, so you are the one best to judge what to say.

    I agree with what you are doing now, because she doesn`t appear to be distressed. If she seems happy enough believeing she isn`t going yet, but `might` in a few days or weeks, or however you`re playing it, what`s the harm.

    Take care

    Love xx
     
  15. Gromit

    Gromit Registered User

    Apr 3, 2006
    187
    Edinburgh
    Hi Taffy,

    We aren't on this road yet (and hopefully it will be along while until we are - fingers crossed) but what a tough call to make. Tell Mum or not tell Mum?

    I agree that it is best not to distress your Mum, so that she continues to settle, but who knows how long you may have to keep this up. I was wondering if there was anyway to gradually change the conversation/answers so that you move towards her realising that she is staying there?

    Not sure how you would do this, as I don't know your Mum's personality, but I often find when my Dad is being stubborn I try and gradually change his perspective to the point that he thinks whatever the current circumstance is it is a great idea (and sometimes I can change his perspective enough that he thinks it was his idea!!).

    Is your Mum like mine and obsessed with being house proud? Could you mention things like "wow you are really making this place look nice with your personal touches" ie. her room. Make her gain a sense of pride of belonging to the place, and gradually she might feel like it is somewhere she is staying and wants to? Oh, I don't know I could be talking utter rubbish here - I know it must be so very difficult for you, and it would be difficult to say those things if she has packed them away, right?

    I truly hope that it gets easier for you. If I think of anything, I'll post to you.

    Thinking of you.

    Alison.
    x
     
  16. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Thanks Sylvia & Alison I don't see any harm at this point in leading mum on even though some disagree and I don't see why her telling them all goodbye and thanking them for her stay, is any big deal I'm sure they often hear similiar things.I feel the problem is the staff have very little understanding of dementia. . The pay that the care attendants receive is very poor, so my point is, to have a fully trained person they are not going to work for peanuts. Alison I fully understand your reply, and at home I have done similiar with mum, I realise mum is the one with the problem here she is so restless and the activity attendant tries really hard to find things of interest for her but when mum focuses on one things it's hard to move her along to something else, all part of the dementia and to the trained eye they would see this as been somewhat a blesssing because she is not acting out in anyway but things probably would be very different if she was told it's permanent. Thanks alot and I'll keep you posted. Taffy
     
  17. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,858
    Kent
    I am learning that the best way to avoid unresolvable conflict with someone with Alzheimers is to tell them what they want to hear.
     
  18. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    it works for people we meet in our lives generally, though often, what they want to hear is not what we have to tell them..:eek: and what is right, and what is actually good for them.

    For people with dementia, it is usually the best thing, I agree.:)
     
  19. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Anyone experienced this?

    Mums lovely room looks like it has been burgled she literally wants nothing in it, mum wants everything to be given away I have managed to convince her that the chair, furniture and toiletries along with the clock belong to the home so at present she accepts that and leaves them put, I have taken all photos and nick nacks home but she doesn't want her clothes either, to pacify her I have taken many items away but the rest of the clothes must remain for obvious reasons. Mum still believes everyday that she is going home but quite accepts whatever reason I offer for her having to stay.She has her little bin liner filled with what she believes is all her worldly needs along with her handbag stuffed to overflowing, I try and accommodate her wishes the best I can and even though she seems quite calm, she looks very stressed and has started to break out in coldsores I have requested that this be seen to. I think that mum wants nothing in the room because she doesn't want it to be her room but by the same token she doesn't like anyone going into it either, she does accept but reluctantly the staff (she still sees them as been incharge) other residents are soon shown the door.I worry that mum has become very paranoid about this room and the activity attendant bends over backwards trying to get mum involved with the other residents she doesn't seem to have any luck getting mum away from either around or in her room. Better stop rambling on just needed to unload others seem to think "Why Worry" you don't have to it's not your problem; that's what they get paid for. But she's my mum.
     
  20. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    Hi Taffy
    when I get a chance to come on the site I look out for your posts, our tales are not the same but similar as with every one else that posts. The reason I look for yours is you appear to be a few weeks ahead of me with the home situation and your mum. My mum went in three weeks ago (for two weeks) she goes from thinking she has one more week to go to screming at me to get her out because she has done her three months. Three ays ago it changed to "I am going home in two days" I know thisis what the staff are saying now but mum now wants me to start taking her stuff home. I think she will feel like she is not staying if I take it and that will help her to feel better for that moment, I see myself now bringing the same stuff back andforth as she needs it. I am running short of fibs to tell and the strain of all this is showing on me as I am sure you know. Mum has also worked out that she can get certain members of staff to let her phone me so I can not relax at home any more yesterday when I got home from work she had left me five messages to say she is coming home now and why have I not been up. I gave in under the pressure and phoned back only to tell her I was only ther two days ago. Please let me know how it is going with you now we can give each other warnings of what might come and ideas to cope with it.
     

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