1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

It's All snowballed.

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Taffy, May 2, 2007.

  1. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    My dad who is 83 was recently taken to the emergency department with chest pains, the doctors admitted him for a week ran alot of tests and found that he really needs a heart valve replacement. Dad had triple bypass and valve replacement 12 years ago and has astounded the doctors that he is still in the land of the living,with much discussion the doctors and dad decided that it wasn't a viable option so he was given medication to help the heart.While dad was in hospital mum had another decline in her dementia maybe the change in the routine or just the deterioration in it's self, anyway things are not good mum needs constant watching she is into everything becomes agitated when I have to stop her doing certain things I do let her get away with heaps but somethings can't be ignored eg removing rubbish bags from bin opening them and throwing contents over the back fence. Somedays it seems endless the things she does and I know I am running on empty, since dad has been home he hasn't any patiences with mum( not that he really ever has been a patient person) and I understand that it is very hard to cope with dementia care when your not well, clearly dad isn't up to the challenge anymore.Clearly and calmly dad said he was very depressed and felt that if I placed mum into care things would be much better for him that mum was driving him mad and when he was in hospital he realised how peaceful things were and he wants that peace. I spend most of my time at mum and dads place I do have my own home and family which has been negelected owing to this situation, but worry about how dad will go living on his own after 59 years with mum, he assures me he will be fine and he will be assessed for his needs.I do understand how dad feels but not the coldness to it all. My hubby things he wants things in place in case his heart gives out and maybe he needs sometime alone to unwind from all this turmoil. As far as mum goes I have looked at places and placed her name down at one home. Mums doctor said it's time, you knew it would come and now it is here( he was really lovelly about it all) so that's my tail of woe heavens knows where I will get the courage from to actually take mum and leave her there, dad isn't even interersted in viewing places just asks how long it is going to take(how long is a bit of string) mum has been placed on high prioriy. Thanks for listening. Taffy.
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Taffy

    I think your husband may be correct that Dad wants to be sure things are safe for your Mum. He realises that he is not in a position to do pretty much anything and that his health is not going to improve.

    He may be distancing himself from Mum to make the pain less - this is something we all have to do to a degree when they have dementia; there is no other way that we can permit them to be cared for out of our own hands; it is an acknowledgement of the disease, but also of our own inability to cope when we really do want to.

    You have some more hard times coming, but always hold in your mind and heart that you are doing things to enable Mum to have the best possible care, and also to help Dad.

    Thanks for telling us - good luck. Please keep us up to date with developments.
     
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Taffy,
    My mum went into a nursing home 16 months ago; she and dad had been married 53 years; things came to a head when dad became unwell.
    Up to that point dad had struggled to keep her at home, but I think that he came to the realisation he just could not do it any longer. My brother and I went to speak to the Nursing Home; dad said that I would have to be the one to take mum on the day - in the end we both went.
    I think that now your dad has made the decision, he does probably feel a sense of relief and peace; I suspect that like my dad he is struggling with guilt and now needs you to take on some of the responsibility for the decision to ease his guilt.

    My dad visits mum daily. He does get lonely, he does get down at times - but he is doing his best to get on with his life. Your mum and dad will be OK.

    Love Helen
     
  4. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    Hi Taffy

    I read your first thread, which was quite positive, even though things have been tough for you and your family.
    It just goes to show, so many things can change, in such a short space of time.
    It would be nice for your dad. to have peace of mind, knowing your mum was being looked after.
    I hope all goes well for everyone, this terrible ILLNESS does have a huge ripple effect on the whole family and for so many years too.

    Best wishes
    Janetruthx
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,674
    Kent
    Hi Taffy,

    I really don`t think it was coldness, on your dad`s part. I feel he has done as much as he can, his own health has suffered and he just wants to put his house in order.

    To look for homes for your mum after such a long time together is too painful. If you weren`t there, he`d have no option, but I feel he is leaning on you, probably not even realizing that it is as painful for you as it is for him.

    It is going to be so difficult for you, but it is the best thing you can do, to give help where it is most needed.

    I do hope things turn out well and this nightmare for you will soon be over.

    With love
     
  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Taffy

    What an upsetting situation for you. I can understand your upset at your mum going into care, but really, what other option is there?

    You know how sick your dad is. Suppose he were to have a sudden heart attack, with your mum still at home?

    You would be having to cope with finding somewhere for your mum, while still worrying about (or even grieving) your dad.

    I think your dad is being incredibly brave. He is not just thinking about himself, but the welfare of your mum, and of you and your family.

    Give him the backing and support he needs just now, and be prepared to help him through the grieving process when your mum does go into care.

    It'll be hard, but you can both look forward to peaceful, loving visits with your mum once she is settled.

    Let us know how you get on, we'll be thinking of you.

    Love,
     
  7. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Thankyou all so much for the support.The road ahead is going to be a difficult one indeed, I appreciate your input and will keep in touch and let you know how things go, I guess, I am a little concerned that dad is a bit irrational with the urgency to have mum placed. To-night( it's wed night in australia) when I explained that you have to wait for a vacancy, that I had placed mum's name on the waiting lists, it appeared he was having great difficulty grasping the information.To-morrow dad has an appointment with his GP and I'm hoping to be able to raise my concerns with him. I do acknowledge that mum has to be placed in care and I don't question that, but it all just doesn't happen over night, I can get two weeks respite and thought maybe that would ease things, but dad said no when mum goes it's for good. Will post with any new developments. Taffy.
     
  8. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,417
    Taffy, do you think his behaviour is consistent with his general personality? That is, looking back at other major decisions has he tended to make a decision and then be single-minded in its pursuit? Someone I know very well (in truth, it's me) has a tendancy to vacillate and dither about such major decisions, but once it's made, I have to go hell-bent towards making that decision work, and it can be extremely difficult for me to take on board additional information that will affect that decision.

    If it's not that, I would agree with your husband: your father knows he's not well, relished the peace he experienced in hospital, feels guilty about no longer being able to care for your mother, and probably feels that if he is not "distant" about the decision he might give way.

    Jennifer
     
  9. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Dear Jennifer,thankyou for your reply and yes I think you have made a valid point dad has always been one, that if something needs doing it has to be done yesterday. I am and I know it, the weak link dad realises this hence maybe his need to keep reinforcing how much mum is getting to him and the need for placement.I have two more homes to view to-morrow and if they are ok I will do the application for placement the last thing I want is a crisis where the choice is taken away,as dad can be quite hostile to-wards mum, this only confuses mum more it's a vicious circle at times. Thanks for been there. Taffy.
     
  10. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
     
  11. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Dear Nell, thankyou so much for the kind thoughts, to-day I visited three care homes and have the application packs to fill in,return and place mum on the waiting list. One of the homes, looked quite good I couldnt really fault anything about it but for some reason I had odd feelings so I will think about this one over the weekend. Dad managed as usual to upset mum (It was all over the dog collar, mum thinking it was too tight and dad telling her to leave it alone ) anyway mum flew into a verbal volley I still dont know what she said but dad is ropeable with her and isn't talking to her. Mum is oblivious to what has been said, does realise that dad isn't speaking to her and thinks he doesn't what to be her friend.(God love her )Monday week the aged care team is coming out to assess dads needs, I'm thinking they will have some clout on getting mum placed but she will definately not be going into just anywhere, I am so thankful that mum insisted many, many years ago that I be her POA as I shudder to think where she may end up.I am very grateful for all the support. Regards Taffy.
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,674
    Kent
    Oh Taffy, I so know how that feels.
     
  13. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Update

    I received a call from the care home were I had placed mum's name,a vacancy had come up and mum had been choosen as the one in most need for placement.I was told that it would be necessary to come in and view the room and make a immediate decission,I was speechless, it had only been a week ( I do understand the urgency from their side ) she kept asking was I there, but it took awhile for the words to come out, she understood, and I agreed to inspect the room. I took hubby along as I need someone else to look at the place and I guess reassure me that it was suitable, hubby was actually quite impressed with what he seen it was organised in such away that two wards were opened up into one of a daytime giving the residents a very large area to roam around in, having four exits leading out into a courtyard and gardens.The care home is only two years young and mum is officially a resident since yesterday,mum will move in next monday that's the deadline,sunday is mothers day here and we always have a get together (even though she thinks it's xmas, every gathering is xmas, she always asks, how was your xmas?.) and I need time to organise things and prepare her as much as possible I definately will not be telling her she is staying permanetly not at this point anyhow.I do have a strategy, just hope it works. Boy this justs seems so unreal I needed more time to adjust to the whole thing but it's not to be, we have to take her furniture (except the bed )either to-morrow or friday, also her clothes( lucky we have a spare room with furniture) . I am really concerned about how she will go, she becomes very anxious and fearful when taken away from home, things are a real struggle for her in familar surrounds it will be, very tramatic indeed. I will post and let you all know how things went. Regards Taffy.
     
  14. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Taffy, your brain must be in a whirl. Try to keep calm, at least things seem to be on your side now.

    Hope the move goes as well as it can for your mum, although it is bound to be strange. Thinking about you, take care,
     
  15. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Taffy

    It must have been a shock to the system, having to move so quickly. But at least people have realised the urgency of the situation, and the worry of having to make a decision has been taken out of your hands.

    Let's hope your mum settles quickly, and you and your dad can enjoy peaceful visits without the stress of 24 hour care.

    Love and best wishes,
     
  16. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,674
    Kent
    Hi Taffy, snowballing is the word. It`s so hard to get a happy medium, it`s either dragged out for ages or hardly gives you time to draw breath.

    Just want to wish you and your mother all the best. I hope it works out and she settles well.

    Take care xx
     
  17. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Taffy, you have all my sympathy! We had to move M&D in a rush two years ago - in their case it was BOTH of them and involved packing up the family home as well. I'll never forget the turmoil!! But I CAN say it worked out for the best, so I'm hoping the same result happens for you. Thinking of you.
     
  18. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Update mum's in the care home.

    To-day I took mum to the care home, the strategy I used seemed to work and it all looked very positive mum been very gracious, then in a heart beat everything snowballed. Oh boy I was accused of dumping her there, putting her there to die and told to get going and don't bother to come back, ever! I phoned after lunch she hadn't eaten, they were trying to get her to have a cuppa. Again after tea I phoned she had eaten a little but was very confused and was waiting to be picked up, she demanded a taxi was very teary and was going home,my strategy turned out a dismal failure. Mum is been very fanciful thinks dad has got another woman living in the house, and that's the reason she has been castaway, the nurse also said she is very annoyed about her name been placed on the door, mum is sitting waiting for the taxi and is comming home. All so very sad,to-morrow I'll talk with the welfare officer and hopfully be able to see her or at least hear a bit of positive news, how ever small. As always thankful for the support. Regards Taffy.:(
     
  19. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Taffy

    if it is any help, this is all fairly normal, in my opinion. Not easy, but normal.

    People at Jan's home have always settled in, given time to adjust to what must be very disconcerting for them.
     
  20. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Taffy, so sorry you're having to go through all this. You know you've done the right thing for your mum, but it's so hard not to feel guilty when she is ovbiously so unhappy.

    As Bruce says, it's something you just have to get through. You have no reason to feel guilty, so don't listen to that monster. Kick him into touch!

    I do hope your mum settles soon, and you can begin to enjoy visiting her.

    Love and hugs,
     

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