I've been reading recent posts regarding the behaviour of partners with FTD. What I don't understand is how are they able to display such different behaviour. My husband is now living in residential care. He is often really horrible and rude to me calling me all sorts of things when all I'm trying to do is perhaps help him get to his feet. He'll accuse me of pushing or pulling him,etc,etc, shouting at the top of his voice. Then when a carer comes into his room, he's absolutely charming and lovely. Sometimes after a particularly difficult visit I'll mention this temper and I'm told he is ok with them. So how come? Why aren't they always sweet and kind or always absolutely horrible? It seems to me that my OH is perfectly aware that it isn't ok to speak to everyone else in the same way as he does to me. Its so hard to just forget all the nastiness and to behave as if it never happened as he is able to do.
It's a Mystery to Me
- Thread starter Ernest
- Start date
I totally agree. My husband is just the same he is in hospital at present, I go and he’s absolutely horrid to me and says the most awful disgusting untrue things about me and when I ask the staff how he is they just say ‘oh yes he’s been fine’ how this can be I also do not understand. Yesterday he would not let me pass when I wanted to go home, I had to get one of the nurses to speak to him and let me pass, he refuses to kiss me sometime when I say I’m going which is very hurtful. Please don’t think you are alone experiencing these symptoms because you are not - there are thousands of us trying to cope every second, minute, hour, day, week, month year after year - shedding tear after tear xx
Hi, all I can say is that you are far from alone in experiencing this "hostess mode" syndrome.
I find myself becoming increasingly annoyed at her for being horrid to me and then "Mrs nice" to everyone else. I just can't comprehend how she can possibly "think" that the one person who does every single thing for her can possibly deserve to be treated that way. I'm ashamed to say that it turns into resentment on my part and then once I've calmed down (normally when she has gone to sleep), I feel guilty and love her again!
No-one has ever been able to explain this behaviour to me, other than to say it is common with Dementia - That doesn't really help though does it.
I hope you have some good times too - All the best to you. Keep typing on the forum - it helps in some sort of way - sharing
I find myself becoming increasingly annoyed at her for being horrid to me and then "Mrs nice" to everyone else. I just can't comprehend how she can possibly "think" that the one person who does every single thing for her can possibly deserve to be treated that way. I'm ashamed to say that it turns into resentment on my part and then once I've calmed down (normally when she has gone to sleep), I feel guilty and love her again!
No-one has ever been able to explain this behaviour to me, other than to say it is common with Dementia - That doesn't really help though does it.
I hope you have some good times too - All the best to you. Keep typing on the forum - it helps in some sort of way - sharing
Oh gosh, this is exactly how my hubby is, I never knew it was a well symptom of this awful disease. He has vascular dementia. He is so horrible to me at times, says awful things tells me I'm always thinking of myself, and just really nasty, other people say what a lovely charming man he is. Hes in hospital at moment has been for 10 days after 3 falls in one morning where paramedics had to get him up. When I visit him he is often talks to me in a bullying way or just doesn't talk at all or tells me to go home, it takes me an hour n half to get there on 2 buses. The nurses say hes fine and chatty with them.I really dont like him when hes like that.
That is exactly what can happen with my dad at times. I care for him and some days he is ever so grateful and always thanking me but then at times when helping will accuse me of pushing or pulling him and then when trying to explain and we end up arguing he shouts help and when my sister appears he suddenly changes and acts normal and says yea ok I'm alright and he is back to his old self. I have asked the same question why is it as soon as someone else is involved he stops. And it is at times so hard to have so much patience when tired if woken few times during the night .at times it can be just calm and then others it might not be so cos I am tired and frustrated myself but then I feel guilty and terrible cos he can't help it ,but yes I often have thought if Dimentia how does it work that they know how to behave around certain people.
My thoughts on this are that it’s frustration and as someone close we are chosen to be the ones who get the release of this frustration. We are going nowhere, we will be there no matter what and as such won’t be frightened off by this behaviour. Strangers might be so this ‘ hostess mode’ comes into the mix, making sure non enemies are made.
It is hurtful and no matter what the reason is, it still hurts when we know we are doing everything we can.
It is hurtful and no matter what the reason is, it still hurts when we know we are doing everything we can.
It is usually the main carer who gets all the nastiness, because they are the one who is around all or most of the time.
The person with dementia is frequently unaware of their own problems (a symptom called anosognosia), so they are unaware how much their carer has to do for them. They are, however, aware that Something Is Not Right, but cannot comprehend that this Something is actually them, so in their mind it must be due either to their environment (so they want to go somewhere else), or, most commonly, due to the carer who is always around.
My OH tells me I have changed, that Im trying to control him or take him over, that Ive grown cold and I dont love him (ie that I have become emotionally distant), whereas to me it seems the other way around. He is aware that things have changed and there we are no longer emotionally close, but cannot understand that it is him - so it must be me.
My mother, used to accuse me of stealing from her, that I was being nasty to her, that I was hitting her. She knew that Something Wasnt Right and I wasnt sorting it out for her (because what was wrong was dementia, although she didnt believe she had this) - therefore it must be me who is being nasty and horrible.
Combine this with "host/hostess mode" and the resuts are what you see.. Host/hostess mode is a subconscious basic survival instinct to not show any weaknesses in front of other individuals, especially ones who they consider important - other family members and medical staff especially.
The person with dementia is frequently unaware of their own problems (a symptom called anosognosia), so they are unaware how much their carer has to do for them. They are, however, aware that Something Is Not Right, but cannot comprehend that this Something is actually them, so in their mind it must be due either to their environment (so they want to go somewhere else), or, most commonly, due to the carer who is always around.
My OH tells me I have changed, that Im trying to control him or take him over, that Ive grown cold and I dont love him (ie that I have become emotionally distant), whereas to me it seems the other way around. He is aware that things have changed and there we are no longer emotionally close, but cannot understand that it is him - so it must be me.
My mother, used to accuse me of stealing from her, that I was being nasty to her, that I was hitting her. She knew that Something Wasnt Right and I wasnt sorting it out for her (because what was wrong was dementia, although she didnt believe she had this) - therefore it must be me who is being nasty and horrible.
Combine this with "host/hostess mode" and the resuts are what you see.. Host/hostess mode is a subconscious basic survival instinct to not show any weaknesses in front of other individuals, especially ones who they consider important - other family members and medical staff especially.
Ill give you an actual example of something that happened with mum
One day she had an incontinence accident in front of me, so I help clean her up. People with dementia often forget things that happen, but they remember the feeling and emotion after the event, so later mum felt upset because of this accident, but could not remember why. In her mind there was nothing wrong with her, but she knew that Something had upset her, so in her mind it must have been me. She could not remember what I had done to upset her so much, so her damaged brain filled in some false memories (called confabulation) that I had been shouting at her. This confabulation (and others like it) remained and became a delusion. She went round telling people that I was behaving so badly towards her and she often wouldnt let me in her home. Fortunately, after she moved into a care home this delusion went, but for a while just seeing me would trigger it again.
One day she had an incontinence accident in front of me, so I help clean her up. People with dementia often forget things that happen, but they remember the feeling and emotion after the event, so later mum felt upset because of this accident, but could not remember why. In her mind there was nothing wrong with her, but she knew that Something had upset her, so in her mind it must have been me. She could not remember what I had done to upset her so much, so her damaged brain filled in some false memories (called confabulation) that I had been shouting at her. This confabulation (and others like it) remained and became a delusion. She went round telling people that I was behaving so badly towards her and she often wouldnt let me in her home. Fortunately, after she moved into a care home this delusion went, but for a while just seeing me would trigger it again.
Hi Ernest,
I know exactly what you mean.
I struggle with it too.
You are not alone my friend.
My Mum can’t remember 5 minutes ago, but she can remember everything from her wartime playground days.
One minute I’m the perfect son and the next minute I’m the most awful person!
Keep safe. Here to talk. ?
I can only speak for myself but conversations take a tremendous amount of concentration and energy. It is absolutely totally draining especially when we are trying to unravel meaning and context.
I assume there is an element of learned behaviour remaining and we PWD's still retain a subconscious desire to be polite to 'outsiders.' We all know that it is often those closest who come into the firing line.
I assume there is an element of learned behaviour remaining and we PWD's still retain a subconscious desire to be polite to 'outsiders.' We all know that it is often those closest who come into the firing line.
