It upsets me when.......

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Skye, Dec 17, 2006.

  1. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    You took the words right out of my mouth.

    It makes me want to scream & spit when I hear that.
  2. Momx4

    Momx4 Registered User

    Oct 19, 2006
    Brucie - I too shook my head in sad recognition of that comment. It is one I've heard three times this week.

    When the decision was endorsed by my mother's care team that she needed to be admitted, they suggested that she should be placed as close to her neighbourhood of 50 years as possible. She had a good network of friends, who had helped out in various ways and a son in the area. The EMI unit is very good and welcoming and all should be lovely.

    I agreed even though it meant 5 hours driving each weekend visit for me and I've headed there regularly. I've passed on 'how Mum is' bulletins to friends and her other relatives and been as upbeat as I can. In 6 months, my bro has visited 3 times, one friend once and no other relatives. The staff say my mother would benefit from more visits.

    This week because I've sent out Christmas cards, which I took in for Mum to sign, the phone has gone most evenings and in most cases, the refrain has been...

    'I do think about your mother but no, I shan't visit because I want to remember her how she was. Isn't it sad.'

    Yes, It is sad and it may be hard. True, Mum may not know you. She doesn't remember her grandchildren but they still come along. But she loves to have a hug. She strokes her flowers. You could bring a photo and put it in her memory book with your name. Her smile when that triggers something is as lovely as ever.

    She can still remember how to introduce her guests to all the staff and other residents, which she will every 15 minutes but that isn't tedious, it is social interaction for her. If her conversation is one-sided, just listen and let it run. At least she is talking. And if Mum is having a bad day, you won't be on your own with her. The staff know how to step in and distract.

    What more can I tell them? That Mum's rate of decline this year has been so rapid, we don't know how long she will stay as she is now. That if they don't go now, things may be different in a month or two? And so on....

    I'm not really expecting an answer to these questions but Yes, it makes me sad when no-one feels they can visit.
  3. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    I must admit I alienated one of my mother's so called friends when they said "I want to remember her as she was". I was having a particularly tetchy day, so said "Oh, are you having memory problems as well?" When they said "no" I said "Are you sure? I can remember people in different states. I'd have that checked if I were you". Didn't do any good, but made me feel better.

  4. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Sorry..........another hate:

    'He wouldn't want me to see him like this!'

    Love Alex x
  5. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    That is such a good reply! I will keep it in hand ready to use the next time!!!
  6. jan.

    jan. Registered User

    Apr 19, 2006
    Cheshire, UK.
    Relatives saying........"How`s your dad?......I would have visited BUT.......

    (a) Don`t know where the years gone!!!

    (b) Oh, we`ve been away! ( ALL YEAR???)

    (c) Been SO busy with.......this, that or the other.

    Just glad that dad remembers only the "good old days", when PEOPLE were valued and everyone looked out for, and thought of each other, instead of just themselves!

  7. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    It upsets me to read on TP that so many carers and lovely people with AZ are let down so badly by so called friends and relatives.............. and let down they clearly are............ and these same carers beat themselves up because they dont feel they are doing enough.......... feel guilty etc. etc.

    You are the most supportive bunch of people I have EVER had the privilage to meet.

    You have helped me in my most darkest hours, whilst still coping with your own problems.

    Superheros one and all.

  8. Ann-marie

    Ann-marie Registered User

    Dec 24, 2006
    i get theres no way you can cope on your own ........i do it for someone 3 days a wek and im really tired after that .......from my grnas neice who care for a lady as a does she know i cant cope she only visits for an hour once a week

    she lives in the past dosent she .......... my grans sister who ive been telling for months that my gran dosent live in the here and now

    the one thing that really gets to me is when my grans sister and neices start talking to her like she a baby ...theyve even go as far as asking her what she wants from santa

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