1. mumof3

    mumof3 Registered User

    Feb 6, 2006
    82
    Out of everything that we've had to deal with over the last 3 years or so and will have to cope with over the next however many, the thing that really annoys me is my MIL telling all and sundry that she never sees us or her grandchildren!

    This is a woman who phones me constantly all day every day and who we see without fail every single weekend. My husband is also often summoned during the week for various emergencies! My husband is an only child, my MIL is widowed and we have no family to share the burden with. My children miss out on lots of things especially family time and outings because we always have to consider my MIL.

    It just makes me scream inside when I hear one of her friends repeat what she has told them in answer to "How are the grandchildren?" "I don't know, I never see them" I know everyone in her circle takes this with a pinch of salt but I can't help gritting my teeth when I hear it yet again. She said it to the solicitor who went round last week to arrange POA!

    Yes to some extent it is the dementia speaking and time must pass slowly for her but I do feel that it reflects her previous selfish and very demanding personality too - just with bells on!
     
  2. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    542
    Hi mumof3

    So sorry to hear about your MILs attitude. I have no personal experience of this side of the disease (yet), but I can understand how frustrating it must be. As you said she was like this before, it must be even more exasperating for you and your husband. My sympathies go out to you. Based on the amount of gritted teeth we all experience on here, I'm surprised any of us have any left!

    Perhaps others can offer some constructive ways of batting away her criticism?
     
  3. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    We had the local policeman and his wife accusing me of starving my mother, after all the food I'd bought for her and all the time I'd spent trying to persuade her to eat.

    She would send me away, and then go round to the neighbours accusing me of abandoning her.

    I wished we could put hidden cameras and hidden tape recorders in her house for the benefit of those who didn't believe our log-book.

    Lila
     
  4. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi mumof3
    Feeling better?????!
    My husband is totally convinced that dementia strengthens the original personality and I have always totally denied this and we have had many an argument about this one......I'm beginning to feel he's right though.....as far as mum is concerned she only has 1 grandchild which hurts the other 2....however she did always favour the youngest although I wouldn't admit it at the time and if she doesn't get her own way she sulks terribly now....in the past if she didn't get her own way she would certainly let her feelings known to my dad!!
    When my brother was caring for her last year she always complained how he never came to see her when I stayed with her so he could go home to London for a break....This used to make me SOOOOOO mad....seeing as he'd given up his job for a year to look after her and had to spend 10 days at a time away from his wife(who mum was constantly slagging off because she "put" her mum into a home.....never voiced these opinions at the time though,didn't offer to help either)

    Just count to 10 .....(or 20, 30,.....however long it takes.....) This is what got my brother down.....the lack of gratitude...........

    Love
    Wendy
     
  5. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Lila
    my huband's suggested a tape recorder.....for all the times I'm shouted at and denied afterwards
     
  6. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    But now she's gone, and I just want her back.

    Lila
     
  7. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Lila
    Yes...I know ....And I really, really understand.....I suppose I'm just trying to make sense of it all....I realise I've got no right to complain.....
    Love
    Wendy
    x
     
  8. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I'm sure we all have a right to complain.

    Otherwise we wouldn't be in here.

    Lila
     
  9. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,110
    Toronto, Canada
    I've heard many things about personality and AD. I've heard of people who changed from horrible all their lives to sweet little lambkins with AD and vice versa. Generally, there does seem to be an enhancement of the personality, which certainly can be a nightmare. Certainly, my mother's slight suspicion of others blossomed with her disease. She used to tell me some of the caregivers at her home were trying to kill her. I'm sure they only wanted to.

    It will pass, mumof3, honestly it will. I'm certain your MIL's neighbours all know better also. It IS frustrating and irritating, I know. That's how the earlier stages can drive one insane. Oddly enough, one day you will miss the calls.

    This is such a horrific disease - we have to learn to zig when our loved ones zag and they seem to change course constantly. As someone once said to me "Just when you get used to the game, they move the goal posts."

    Take a deep breath & hang in there.

    Joanne
     
  10. LindaD

    LindaD Registered User

    Nov 17, 2004
    30
    Suffolk
    Forgetting visits

    My Mum would tell me she hadn't seen someone for a long time when they had only visited that morning and was always saying my stepbrother never visited and we'd find out later that he had been down quite recently.

    She also believed that something she had done would get one of us in trouble - killing someone or letting them die or breaking into someone's home - all of which were impossible. She was convinced she had let someone die in one of the beach huts in Frinton. We wonder if these things came from dreams or half heard news items or things on TV.

    She made me take all her jewellery away because she said she had promised to someone and was afraid they would come to get it. Then she would wonder what she had done with it and thought she had lost it so I'd give it back and later go through the same thing again.
     
  11. mumof3

    mumof3 Registered User

    Feb 6, 2006
    82
    Thanks everyone. Just having a little spell where the deep breathing wasn't enough and needed to let off steam!

    Lucille - she is nice as pie to us. It is her friends, carers, people at the Day Hospital etc that she says it to. That part I recognise from old and so am a bit suspicious of.

    LIla - Thank you for posting. I know that we are at a particular stage and that at some point my MIL will not be in a position to grumble. I know that we have a lot to be grateful for but some days the small frustrations just build up. I am grateful that you recognise this and can still help others.

    mel - I suppose that is what is at the root of it. I feel that we are constantly giving of our time and energies and it is depleting all of us whilst not making any difference at all to my MIL's. Not only is there no gratitute but shown but the expectation is ever more.

    Joanne - I know what you are saying but I can't believe I will ever miss the calls! - I hear the phone in my sleep now! What I find hard to get my head around I suppose is that with us she is very clingy always wanting to be hugged etc in a way that is totally alien to her pre-dementia but at the same time she is so dismissive of us to others.

    Anyway, having a good day today as it is a Day Centre day and I have been ablt to talk to my sister, see a friend and actually do some housework. Things don't seem so bad now. Thanks everyone.
     
  12. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    The best thing is to try to ignor it but it can be so difficult.. Yesterday I took monique to the Monoprix little supermarket around the corner from the house - normally she does not want to go out but lately has been up early and rareing to go!

    So with my basket and Monique in tow we wander round getting essentials like wine and chocolates and a few other less essentials and arrived at the check out.. quite crowded... I get my credit card out to pay and Monique utters at the top of her voice:

    'Who's credit card is that?' Your taking my fathers money again! How dare you steal from us! You came in the house with no money and now I want you to go!!= all in French - her native language

    Now I can laugh at lots of life but I confess that the stares of a load of middle aged French women who looked like they might hit me with their parasols made me quake for a moment! I mean - what do you say? ......

    Love

    Michael
     
  13. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    700
    Oklahoma,USA
    Gads Michael, How awful for you ! Makes you want to have a sign handy in various languages that say, " My wife has AD, ignore her !!" It is getting where I dread taking my Mom anywhere for fear of what she will do next. I guess being prepared is about all one can do.
    Take care and I hope your next outting is better!
    hugs, Debbie
     
  14. mumof3

    mumof3 Registered User

    Feb 6, 2006
    82
    Oh Michael you have painted such a clear picture I can just imagine it. How awful, those women will be talking about it over cofee for days to come. Perhaps you could have a little word with the shop manager the next time you are in - or next time use cash!
     
  15. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Oh Michael...that is terrible!!How embarrassing!!...I expect you've built up quite a reputation now...!!:eek:
     
  16. Jackie B

    Jackie B Registered User

    Jun 9, 2005
    13
    Croydon
    I know I've made some of her time happy

    Hi Mumof3,

    My Mum says that she hasn't seen anyone for days, weeks, months. This has driven me crazy in the past. I have 2 children and a very understanding, helpful husband, we are all affected by Mum's AD.

    I have spent hours and hours with her, arranging Drs, opticians, days at our house,shopping, walks, chats, etc etc etc....then she tells my auntie " I haven't seen Jackie for weeks, I've got no food in the house!"

    I think what has helped me most are 2 things; a memory book that I write in when we do something, put pictures in of special days out and little love messages to her ( I have asked her friends and other family members to write in the book too). The other, is the sure knowledge that I have been and will continue to be there for her, whether she remembers or not, because I will know I have cared for her and shown her love and respect.

    Boy sometimes it's soooo hard!

    Today is a good day, we sat in the garden drinking tea in the sunshine and laughing together..................but ......"I haven't seen Jackie!"
     
  17. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    Forgetting Visits

    My Mum would tell everyone how lonely she was and how she never had any visitors, even though she went out and had a couple of visitors most days. It was really annoying that she'd ask her carer and cleaner to keep her company by having a chat and a cup of tea on the garden swing seat. When I saw her later on, she'd have a long list of jobs for me to do, which should have already been done.
    She seemed to resent paying to have work done, even though she received attendance allowance which was specifically for those things she was unable to do herself. (she has rheumatoid arthritis) When a new radiator was needed in her bathroom, she refused to phone the plumber because, "They only do it for the money they can take off of you."
    Now Mum is in a nursing home, she has no idea if she has had any visitors and I only find out when I'm told by some one else. I think she just loses all track of time and this is part of the Vascular Dementia. It is probably best to ignore a lot of things because they don't realise they are being so unreasonable.
     
  18. Stimpfig

    Stimpfig Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    135
    Germany/India
    Michael,

    Am so glad you posted this - it's made me feel better. Four weeks ago , I went to Dresden with hubby on a short trip and took mum with us as usual. As you know, we (mum and me ) are Asians (hubby's German) living in Europe and although I could pass off for a southerner, my mum has a distinctive Asian appearance which sometimes attracts attention which I have got used to by now and don't care much about. But in Dresden, hubby dropped us at an outdoor cafe as he had to go looking for parking and while I ordered, mum was quite restless, in spite of all the interim rests and the personal caretaking I had done, and she got off the chair, paced around looking for my husband and was so distraught that she appeared a bit comical rather than an interested tourist. Other tourists did turn to look at her and even had amusing smiles on them and when the waiter brought the coffee, she spilled it etc. Although I know I shouldn't take this seriously and am generally aware that there is nothing to be embarrassed about, I couldn't get the picture of amused smiles out of my mind for a while . They were only a bunch of passing tourists after all but I guess I was hurt . I couldn't even express it on TP until now.
     
  19. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,110
    Toronto, Canada
    Sue,
    At least it was only amused smiles and perhaps some of them were smiles of recognition. There are some people in this world who would make nasty comments because they are pig-ignorant toads (my apologies to the animal world). Short of telling everyone your mother has AD, what can you do? Also, people really don't understand how the disease works and so don't realize that the unusual behaviour they see is due to AD.

    Michael,
    Perhaps if you showed them your fishing tackle, they would back off????
     
  20. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    :D :rolleyes: :D :rolleyes: :D :rolleyes: :D :rolleyes: :D

    Or post a picture? ;)
     

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