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It feels like I will be a stranger at my partner's funeral

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
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Bristol
Christel's daughter is a pain in the proverbial at the best of times, but when she is grieving for her mum she is too much to handle. She wants to invite people she knows to the wake to control numbers. One of our neighbours at the sheltered housing where Christel and I lived expressed an interest in coming to the funeral, and another who liked her would probably come. E wanted to keep them out of the wake, then decided to let them in after a battle. She refuses to allow any of the carers from there to attend as she is upset that some of the carers at the nursing home were not as attentive as they should have been. There's two of three from the housing complex who were just so lovely, kind and helpful it would be an insult to tell them to stay away if they want to pay their tributes. I find it insulting that my protests in their favour are waved away.
I also wanted to quote a poem by Goethe that Christel loved, but cannae remember the exact German words. Google is no use. E just shut me down with some nonsense that nobody wants to hear a poem. She wants to quote a banal poem at the graveside. Her mother was educated and cultured, but that matters not a jot. E just wants her friends round her and wants it to be about her as usual. I try to work with her to keep the peace and make sure Christel gets a decent, dignified send off. Sometimes it is just so frustrating to come up against a brick wall of selfish ignorance.
If anyone knows "Ihre Blaue Augen " by Goethe I am in your debt if you can provide the full text. If anyone knows how to handle people like that without causing a scene or a major row then I would appreciate it. Thank you all for reading my woes while you have your own.
 

update2020

Registered User
Jan 2, 2020
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Christel's daughter is a pain in the proverbial at the best of times, but when she is grieving for her mum she is too much to handle. She wants to invite people she knows to the wake to control numbers. One of our neighbours at the sheltered housing where Christel and I lived expressed an interest in coming to the funeral, and another who liked her would probably come. E wanted to keep them out of the wake, then decided to let them in after a battle. She refuses to allow any of the carers from there to attend as she is upset that some of the carers at the nursing home were not as attentive as they should have been. There's two of three from the housing complex who were just so lovely, kind and helpful it would be an insult to tell them to stay away if they want to pay their tributes. I find it insulting that my protests in their favour are waved away.
I also wanted to quote a poem by Goethe that Christel loved, but cannae remember the exact German words. Google is no use. E just shut me down with some nonsense that nobody wants to hear a poem. She wants to quote a banal poem at the graveside. Her mother was educated and cultured, but that matters not a jot. E just wants her friends round her and wants it to be about her as usual. I try to work with her to keep the peace and make sure Christel gets a decent, dignified send off. Sometimes it is just so frustrating to come up against a brick wall of selfish ignorance.
If anyone knows "Ihre Blaue Augen " by Goethe I am in your debt if you can provide the full text. If anyone knows how to handle people like that without causing a scene or a major row then I would appreciate it. Thank you all for reading my woes while you have your own.
Possibly on here ; https://www.martinschlu.de/kulturgeschichte/klassik/goethe/werther/w2_02.htm

We all get on well but I still found organising my husband’s funeral very emotionally exhausting. It’s just impossible to include everything that everyone wants.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
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High Peak
As far as I know, no one is 'invited' to a funeral and anyone can attend if they choose to. How this works in practice I'm not sure and obviously if there is some sort of do afterwards, then an invite would probably be needed for that. But not for the funeral itself.

C's daughter should not decide who can and can't pay their respects.
 

Moggymad

Registered User
May 12, 2017
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0
At mums funeral about half a dozen carers attended from her care home but did not stay for the wake as were due on shift so you may find a similar situation. It magnifies the grief you feel to be ignored in the way C’s daughter is doing & she is doing her mum a disservice by this behaviour. I don’t suppose you‘ll be wanting to keep in touch after this. I’m sorry you are having to endure this too.
There was only 1 funeral I ever had an invite to & I wondered if it was to control the numbers. I only went to the service not the wake. That was by choice as I didn’t really know anyone else.
 
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Hooch

Registered User
Jun 28, 2013
25
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If anyone knows "Ihre Blaue Augen " by Goethe I am in your debt if you can provide the full text. If anyone knows how to handle people like that without causing a scene or a major row then I would appreciate it. Thank you all for reading my woes while you have your own.
I dont know that poem. Could it perhaps be not Goethe but Heinrich Heines,
1651600850503.png „Mit deinen blauen Augen“
I dont know if that link will work, but have a search and see if that could be the one
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
9,148
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Bristol
Thank you everyone. Not everyone will get it all their own way, and I have conceded on a few points. At least her coffin will be brought in after everyone is seated and to a great little song we both loved. My mum kept my granny's funeral so low key and shut everyone else out, including my granny's cousin as my mum had fallen out with her over something not explained. The minister conducting it was clueless and had obviously not met my granny. Avoiding that fiasco and trying not to feel like I will be at the wake surrounded by people I do not even know is my biggest worry. It is a lonely enough time without that.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
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Dundee
Oh Rob - what a time you’re having. I’m sorry you have all of this one top of the grief you are already feeling.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,303
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Kent
The carers from Dhiren`s home just came @nae sporran. I didn`t invite them but I was gratified when they arrived. They had been the most important people in Dhiren`s life for his last four years.

It sounds as if C`s daughter is trying to pull rank to perhaps make up for the time she didn`t have with her mother but could have had.
 

Sarasa

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Apr 13, 2018
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Nottinghamshire
I'm so sorry you and C's daughter are falling out over the funeral. Certainly I think anyone that wants should be able to go to the funeral. I remember my dad being very upset when his cousin said he didn't want dad at his mother's funeral, dad had been very fond of his aunt. When dad died a couple of years later, said cousin of course was very welcome by us.
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
9,148
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Bristol
You may be right, Sylvia. C's daughter was in denial and since things took a turn for the worse last autumn she has been in full control mode. I just sent a message to a friend who lives in the old sheltered housing complex and she said she will mention the time and location of the funeral to staff and neighbours. There's a couple I know will make the effort if they are free and a couple more I hope will come. It would just be a crying shame if E was rude to the excellent carers who gave their best for her mum.
 

Moggymad

Registered User
May 12, 2017
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Is there a good friend you can ”invite” to be by your side in all this? Support for you on the day is very important. I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t like wakes & avoid them if i can. At a good friends funeral myself & another friend (we were a group of 3 friends) decided not to attend the wake full of family & others we didn’t know, instead we went to our usual meeting up place (cafe) & remembered our friend in our own way. On another occasion her husband asked to come with us just so he could share the friendship experience his wife had.
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
9,148
0
Bristol
Is there a good friend you can ”invite” to be by your side in all this? Support for you on the day is very important. I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t like wakes & avoid them if i can. At a good friends funeral myself & another friend (we were a group of 3 friends) decided not to attend the wake full of family & others we didn’t know, instead we went to our usual meeting up place (cafe) & remembered our friend in our own way. On another occasion her husband asked to come with us just so he could share the friendship experience his wife had.
I like that, Moggymad. Sadly, for all she did for others, Christel had few friends by the end and none of the friends I have made at my walking groups have met her. That is not her daughter's fault, but she is just exaggerating that and the grief.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,619
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Southampton
with both my mum and nan, we put it in the local paper and whoever turned up did. we appreciated all that came and paid their respects to them like they were important people. we had a wake for my mum as she died before my nan. we didnt have a wake for my nan as her sil had alzheimers and the family wanted to get back to her. either way was right for that person. we went round and said thankyou for all that came and took the time to attend.
 

northumbrian_k

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Mar 2, 2017
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Newcastle
I am sorry to hear all this @nae sporran as the last thing you need is to squabble about the funeral of the person you so loved and cared for. It doesn't sound worth speaking to C's daughter about it, but my experience is that anyone who cares and wishes to will turn up at the funeral anyway. You can't always know who exactly will turn up (I know of one time when an unknown lady turned up at a male relative's funeral - it seems that she was the 'other woman' that he had kept secret for many years). It is always possible to speak to people (whether expected or not) informally on the day and invite them to the wake. They may not have time or wish to go but asking is a courtesy and may help you.
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
9,148
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Bristol
Thank you both for your answers. I was just upset and knew Christel's daughter would just get more upset herself if I dug in. The wheels are in motion and I just hope someone who knew and who looked out for Christel in her final few years does come.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
6,336
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Chester
Rob I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending hugs.

Funerals are public events and if at a crem or church anyone can go. So let everyone know about the funeral.

Wakes are private but you are one of the chief mourners. If there is space at the wake if you invite extras she isn't going to turn them away.

Carers normally only go to a funeral not the wake so let them know.

If you want to meet up with your former neighbours to remember C you could invite them to a quiet lunch at a local pub on a later date.

I googled the goethe and the phrase seems to come up in a narrative diary entry so couldn't tell if it was part of a poem as my German was enough to make some sense but not fully understand.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,848
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South coast
Im so sorry about the disagreements. I hope you manage to get through it OK
If you want to meet up with your former neighbours to remember C you could invite them to a quiet lunch at a local pub on a later date.
I think this is good advice. We did for mum in law anyway for just the family. Raise a glass and remember her.
I googled the goethe and the phrase seems to come up in a narrative diary entry so couldn't tell if it was part of a poem as my German was enough to make some sense but not fully understand
I used a different search engine in case it threw up something different, but thats all I found too.
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
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Newcastle
Hi @nae sporran, I have found cats with blue eyes but no poem by Goethe. I suspect that the words you quote may often be used in songs, poems and other literature. I don't understand German at all. The nearest thing I can find is a verse in a lyric poem or song by Franz von Schober. It is rather touching in English translation but I would think it is better in the original.

 
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Melles Belles

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
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South east
@nae sporran so sorry you’re having this stress from C’s daughter. She’s definitely not a chilled out person.
The suggestions from other member sound good.
I hope the funeral and wake goes well and I’m sure it will be a fitting tribute to the wonderful lady C was.