It's been year since l last visited this forum and have come back because you all get it, you understand. I've struggled so much with the trauma of watching my mum die over eight days. I tell myself that we were so lucky to able to get her home from hospital after getting COVID , and to care for her in those last days, but I'm yet to find relief which I assumed would naturally follow one she had passed. I know it's still early but I struggle with many images of the eight days that I watched her die, the medical decisions we had to make as we were left on our own, the pleading looks she seemed to give and words which had such meaning when none had made sense for so many years. I try to recall happy memories but I'm not there yet. I try to take solace from the life my dad has grabbed hold of and given him purpose. He now lives with my brother and often cooks and irons for them, things mum used to make dad do when he retired, or did she know her journey ahead. I can only say it here, but I've found it so hard my dad moving in with my brother. I had such a bond with my dad seeing him regularly as he was then 2 hrs away, now he is 4. I gave my dad respite when I stayed and we just had a such a connection. We all say, 3 brothers and I, that since mum became ill we've seen this wonderful , caring kind, funny man, which we hadn't known before. Sort of sad but wonderful at the same time. I find it hard to hear how much my sister in law is doing. She is a good friend and I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself but I I miss my dad. He says I'm the only one he can talk too and cry with and that I also remind him of mum. I struggle that we lost mum quite quickly to dementia, things I wished I'd said or conversations I wished I'd had. I don't feel I had a proper chance to say goodbye. As I recall her passing I just see the pain of my dad and the words he was saying. I know grief works it's different ways in all of us, but I'm tired of it, I want to rip it out and be done with it. I want to feel joy and connection something which grief seems to be robbing me of. I have supportive family and friends, but no one who has experienced the cruelty of dementia. I know I'll get there and this is normal process of grief, but i really don't want to go through the memory of the day we watched her die, I don't want grief to grip me and suffocate me again. I know it will get easier and I'll come back next year and hopefully reflect on the progress I have made. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.
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