Isolation

Zebra123

New member
Apr 4, 2020
7
Hi, hope this isn't seen as selfish. Mum [98 years old] has been in a wonderful care home for over 3 and a half years now. My brother and I visit her every other day so she has at least 1 visitor a day. I've taken her flowers every weekend she's been there. They have to be very bright colours as she is nearly blind. She developed Altzheimers about 8 months ago. The care home closed to visitors the day after my last visit so we haven't been able to visit. They say that she isn' t really aware of our absence but I, particularly, am feeling absolutely awful not seeing her. I know the girls love and care for her but how can I stop myself feeling so terribly upset and guilty. Any suggestions gratefully received. Keep well everyone.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,435
N Ireland
Hello @Zebra123 and welcome to the forum.

No, this won't be seen as selfish. It's known as the 'guilt monster' by many on the forum. It's often suggested that it can be a comfort to know our loved ones are in the best possible place when it's time for residential care.

These times are very hard for all members but you have come to the right place for understanding and support so please keep posting.

I hope you get to see your Mum soon.
 

Zebra123

New member
Apr 4, 2020
7
Hello @Zebra123 and welcome to the forum.

No, this won't be seen as selfish. It's known as the 'guilt monster' by many on the forum. It's often suggested that it can be a comfort to know our loved ones are in the best possible place when it's time for residential care.

These times are very hard for all members but you have come to the right place for understanding and support so please keep posting.

I hope you get to see your Mum soon.
Thank you - night night
 

MrsGriff

Registered User
Mar 2, 2019
12
I am in a similar situation. My dear mum has been in hospital for three weeks and is currently awaiting placemne into a nursing home.
I have not been able to see her now for nearly a month and its breaking my heart.
She no longer knows my name or that I am her daughter but i was definitely familiar and of some comfport in her confused world.
The nursing staff have been amazing and I take comfort in the fact that she is well cared for and that I am most definitely missing her more than shes missing me (if it all)
It's so hard-take care of yourself.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
1,849
@Zebra123 You are not selfish at all. You feel so awful because you are a kind, caring and obviously wonderful person but the situation we are all in now just makes everything ten times more difficult and stressful.
 

Lilye

Registered User
Oct 15, 2016
25
I really sympathize with everyone who cannot visit their loved one as I am in the same situation and it is heartbreaking.
My Mum has Vascular Dementia and was diagnosed 5 years ago. She completly lost all mobility in her legs about a year ago so has to be hoisted. For this reason she has to have 2 live-in carers as thankfully Mum is still at home although she says she is not. I live just 5 minutes away from my Mum but because of the current situation I have not seen her for over 2 weeks and it is really getting to me. I know I am lucky in that, as we have house camera's installed, I can at least see her and I phone her every day although she struggles to speak at times and is not always aware its me plus what makes it worse is that Mum is aware that she is not having visitors and I feel it is dragging her down.
Zebra and everyone else who is in this awful predicament you are not being selfish you are simply loving and caring.
 

sue51

New member
Apr 8, 2020
3
Hi Zebra 123, Im also a new member and i really sympathize with your situation, as i am , very much worrying over mum who is having to join the residents in the care home to self isolate and am worried over her well being and lack of interaction in this isolation. She is still very much aware of whats going on, which sometimes makes it even more heartbreaking. She was diagnosed with vascular dementia last year.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
174
Lots of support for you here. I used to visit my mum every afternoon (although she wasn't always pleased to see me!) but have not been able to for several weeks now, as they closed to visitors. You can still send your mum flowers to show how much you care, which might make you feel a bit better. To be practical, weekly fresh flower delivery is expensive, so you might want to send some lovely brightly coloured silk ones. You could also send brightly coloured greetings cards which the carers can read to her, or something for your mum to cuddle if she would like that. I sent my mum a Shaun The Sheep toy recently, which she is apparently inseparable from. I must admit, I did cry a bit when the staff told me that but it was good to hear all the same.
 

pixie2

Registered User
Jul 21, 2018
73
Hi, hope this isn't seen as selfish. Mum [98 years old] has been in a wonderful care home for over 3 and a half years now. My brother and I visit her every other day so she has at least 1 visitor a day. I've taken her flowers every weekend she's been there. They have to be very bright colours as she is nearly blind. She developed Altzheimers about 8 months ago. The care home closed to visitors the day after my last visit so we haven't been able to visit. They say that she isn' t really aware of our absence but I, particularly, am feeling absolutely awful not seeing her. I know the girls love and care for her but how can I stop myself feeling so terribly upset and guilty. Any suggestions gratefully received. Keep well everyone.
Im Exactly the same, i cry a lot
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,411
Lots of support for you here. I used to visit my mum every afternoon (although she wasn't always pleased to see me!) but have not been able to for several weeks now, as they closed to visitors. You can still send your mum flowers to show how much you care, which might make you feel a bit better. To be practical, weekly fresh flower delivery is expensive, so you might want to send some lovely brightly coloured silk ones. You could also send brightly coloured greetings cards which the carers can read to her, or something for your mum to cuddle if she would like that. I sent my mum a Shaun The Sheep toy recently, which she is apparently inseparable from. I must admit, I did cry a bit when the staff told me that but it was good to hear all the same.
silk flowers is a lovely lovely idea. when the sun shines through them they look amazing. warmest, Kindred.
 

Zebra123

New member
Apr 4, 2020
7
Hello @Zebra123 and welcome to the forum.

No, this won't be seen as selfish. It's known as the 'guilt monster' by many on the forum. It's often suggested that it can be a comfort to know our loved ones are in the best possible place when it's time for residential care.

These times are very hard for all members but you have come to the right place for understanding and support so please keep posting.

I hope you get to see your Mum soon.
Thank you so much
 

Zebra123

New member
Apr 4, 2020
7
I haven't quite got the tech bit of this forum right yet [my fault not the forum's]. I was wanting to answer each message personally but I'm having to do general message to everyone. I just want to say that I am totally overwhelmed with the kindness and understanding you have shown me. Your empathy, tips for handling the situation, love and care you have given me is so heartwarming and comforting. Thank each and every one of you. Stay Safe and Keep Well. xx
 

bdmid

Registered User
Dec 4, 2013
36
69
Bristol
Hi, hope this isn't seen as selfish. Mum [98 years old] has been in a wonderful care home for over 3 and a half years now. My brother and I visit her every other day so she has at least 1 visitor a day. I've taken her flowers every weekend she's been there. They have to be very bright colours as she is nearly blind. She developed Altzheimers about 8 months ago. The care home closed to visitors the day after my last visit so we haven't been able to visit. They say that she isn' t really aware of our absence but I, particularly, am feeling absolutely awful not seeing her. I know the girls love and care for her but how can I stop myself feeling so terribly upset and guilty. Any suggestions gratefully received. Keep well everyone.
I posted on here just a few days ago in the exact same situation except that mum is very near the end not being able to be with her in her last moments is devastating, but then I think we have been with her all the way over 8 years and of late didn’t know who we were so I'm focusing on the last time I saw her like you a day before lockdown when she was happy and take comfort from that.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,171
South coast
not being able to be with her in her last moments is devastating, but then I think we have been with her all the way over 8 years
Yes, the important thing is that you were there during her life. That is far, far more important than the last few minutes. Even if you had been allowed to sit with her, she may have waited until you went to the loo or made some coffee before slipping away. Thats what mum did, so I wasnt with her at the end, even without cornonavirus.
 

Zebra123

New member
Apr 4, 2020
7
I posted on here just a few days ago in the exact same situation except that mum is very near the end not being able to be with her in her last moments is devastating, but then I think we have been with her all the way over 8 years and of late didn’t know who we were so I'm focusing on the last time I saw her like you a day before lockdown when she was happy and take comfort from that.
Oh you poor thing. You just can't explain the distress to people who have no experience of this situation. I feel so sorry for you. I did read today that a hospital [Bath?] was now allowing family to be with their loved ones when the time comes. I just pray that you and all of us can access that humane decision. Take care.