1. claret35

    claret35 Registered User

    Apr 3, 2007
    7
    Northumberland
    Hi all

    I have been reading the threads for quite sometime but it wasn't until recently that my mum at 62 has been diagnosed with AD. I noticed the memory loss over 5 years ago, she lost her job because of 'errors' she was making, she became depressed, but boy it's been a difficult journey. I am helping and supporting as much as I possibly, juggling work and I'm starting to have difficulties concentrating because of the stress of caring, but the latest stage I am finding particularly upsetting as she has now turned completely against me calling me horrible names both directly at me and anyone and everyone else when I am not there as well.

    It hurts a lot she won't accept a cuddle and I am finding it really difficult to keep a conversation going at a level we are both comfortable with.

    Any help or tips would be much appreciated. I keep thinking it is me and is there any more that I can do.

    Thanks for reading

    Claret x
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,660
    Kent
    Dear Claret,

    Welcome to TP.

    I`m really sorry but it is not unusual for our nearest and dearest to turn against us, during the development of Alzheimers. I don`t know whether it`s fear, resentment, frustration or something else, but if you`ve been reading posts, I`m sure you will have seen how much aggression and inappropriate behaviour people have to cope with.

    The hardest lesson to learn is it`s not us, it`s the illness and we shouldn`t take it personally. However hard I try, I am still hurt and upset, but when I calm down, I know it can`t be helped.

    Keep posting, now you`ve made a start. I`m sure it will help you. Here on TP, we`re all in it together.

    Take care
     
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    #3 Brucie, Apr 4, 2007
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2007
    Hi claret35

    Sylvia is quite right, but it is at least possible for you to learn to change your conversation comfort zone... recalibrate your expectations .... whereas for your Mum, that is not a possibility.

    I have found all along the route that I have had to review my expectations, and reduce them. Then it doesn't seem so bad.
     
  4. claret35

    claret35 Registered User

    Apr 3, 2007
    7
    Northumberland
    Thank you

    I appreciate the replies it's nice to know that there is somebody out there reading, it's lonely.

    I have had to explain to my children grannies illness which was difficult, they seem to take it in their stride and during the holidays have taken on some of the role of caring and support which makes me feel even worse. My dad isn't well and not coping either so juggling all their household issues and my own means i seem to be putting 36 hours into a day and not making any progress because something else crops up that needs sorting.

    Anyway the sun is shining it's another day. Mum has an assessment review, I'm off to work maybe I'll get an hour in the garden tonight if the weather holds out. I find it quite therapeutic to kill a few weeds!!!

    Thanks again.

    Claret x
     
  5. Noone

    Noone Registered User

    Mar 12, 2007
    36
    Surrey
    I too, run out of things to talk about with my lady. So I put on topical debate shows like The Wright stuff 9am channel 5, Eggheads BBC2 6pm, and also play her music from her era, like Dusty Springfield, the Beatles, Roxy Music etc. which she sings to. Or play book tapes.

    Sometimes we drag out old photographs and talk about holidays and people and places.
     
  6. MaggieH

    MaggieH Registered User

    Apr 4, 2007
    6
    Australia
    Claret35

    Hello

    I have just joined talking Point and Claret35 it is so nice to to know that other people are experiencing the same feelings as I am.
    My husband who is 62years old and was diagnosed 2 years ago used to be the most loving, placid and easy going man you would ever want to meet but not any more. I too think it is me.
    His symptoms have worsened in the last few months and he finds it difficult to have a conversation. I find it very lonely and heartbreaking to see him like this . To make matters worse he will not accept there is anything wrong with him.
    I am so glad I have found this organisation as it is hard to talk to the family as they want to pretend there is nothing wrong either.
    I have since found out that it is quite common for the families of an Alzheimers
    patient to behave like this.
    MaggieH
     
  7. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi MaggieH
    this is so true! I never knew the meaning of loneliness until my wife Jan's symptoms developed beyond a certain stage. After that, for a while, loneliness was all I knew - even in the most crowded room.

    That loneliness, the loss of the feeling of close companionship with the particular person, never truly goes, but I have found that it becomes more manageable, given time.

    You never stop missing them though, and that seems so strange, when you are sitting - or in my case, supporting Jan on the floor - with the person.
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,660
    Kent
    Hi Maggie,

    Welcome to Talking Point.

    I`m so pleased you`ve found it and hope you will be able to get the same help and support that I`ve had.

    The loneliness and isolation are two of the worst aspects of this condition. It`s as if the marriage as we knew it is over, but at the same time it needs to be stronger than ever.

    Your husband is very young, and we are hearing more and more of younger people being affected by the condition.

    Keep posting and take some comfort with the rest of us who are in the same situation.
     
  9. MaggieH

    MaggieH Registered User

    Apr 4, 2007
    6
    Australia
    Thank you for your replys it is so good to know I am not on my own trying to cope
    Maggieh
     
  10. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    it hurts

    dear claret 35
    i agree with eveything that has been said
    for me hubby is really nasty at times i am findind it so hard
    when we have had a really bad day like yesterday i think i cant cope but today he says it will be a better day today i know it wont but he can not help it its this illness
    we talked today he said i dont know i am doing it he is right i know that
    it is so hard to get used to it i do not have the answer i wish i did no one does but on tp there is a lot of lovelly people who can help you so keep posting
    love bel x
     
  11. claret35

    claret35 Registered User

    Apr 3, 2007
    7
    Northumberland
    Photographs

    Hi to all,

    Sorry I have been so busy not had a moment to sit down and read replies. I've been killing weeds!

    I think this will be the last year I am able to take mum on a holiday, it's becoming harder and harder, but I'm making plans to take her for a break where she used to go as a child, hopefully this will be easier than last year when I took her to lovely hotel with spa, where she hadn't been before, she became so disorientated, couldn't remember her room number, etc, etc that I had to stay up until 2am each night until I was sure she was asleep and hadn't wandered off and up again at 6 to make sure that she didn't wander off again.

    We have had a fairly good week, we have had some excellent days and although a lot quieter she has been been finally accepting she can't remember things and saying so.

    Thank you for the tips re things to talk about showing photo's was brilliant, I actually had good fun as well, we had a lovely run out in the car after viewing the photographs so we had lots of things relating to the photographs to talk about.

    Many thanks

    Claret x
     
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Claret

    So glad you're feeling more positive. It was great that you had such a good day out with your mum, these are the moments we treasure. We need a store of good memories, to bring out on the bad days.

    Good luck,
     
  13. blue sea

    blue sea Registered User

    Aug 24, 2005
    270
    England
    Hi Claret
    just acouple of suggestions. Would renting holiday cottage be a good idea for your break? Then you can be sure the outer door is locked at night so that you can sleep more easily and it is more homely than a hotel. As well as photos, creating a scrap book together might help. For example a memory book about your holiday, with tickets, photos, postcards, odd items you could collect - a feather, a shell or whatever. This would be something to talk about and look through in the future and might trigger memeories of the holiday.
    Thinking of you - it is all so hard. Sometimes people with dememtia go through many stages so it may be that your mum chnges back to be nicer to you. Changes of medciation also have an effect.
    Blue sea
     

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