Thank you very much for your kind reply.
If there is one ironic positive about dementia per se, then it rests with that symptomatic forgetfulness which removes the kind of anxiety and distress which unfortunately comes with full capacity and awareness for those of us free of the unremitting hand of dementia. Naturally during the early hours when your mind tends to exacerbate thoughts of " what if" and "is she unhappy or afraid" etc. this can be very taxing emotionally. Yet, l found that once that initial worry abated and the visits to the Home became less fraught with upset or expectation, things became more settled and the anxieties often completely unfounded. Of course dementia is ongoing and each day is different and one needs to understand that perceptions and behaviour can fluctuate with a loved one - sundowning, mood swings, possible UTI's etc. But the key word lay with "comfort " and that is paramount. This is also very demanding and not always truly understood in the world of Care. I have sat alongside my mother whilst she " rambled " for well over a hour non stop. But you could not just break off as one would normally do, because that sense of time no longer inhabits the brain of the dementia patient. I would arrive at the Home and pause to observe my mother to ascertain her mood firstly. Then l would simply sit down alongside her in the lounge ( in the Home) as if l had never left. Hand her a chocolate which she took without any ceremony and we would continue our " chats" just as if nothing was awry whatsoever. Of course not every day was like this, so a day to day approach became prudent, otherwise if you were expecting a calm uneventful day each and every day, the you would meet with disappointment.
The taking hold of hand can often be as powerful a communication as any words spoken. This l would do, often without uttering a single word. Then that "maternal " and powerful sense of ' being there ' was all you needed to feel both the truth of the relationship and the joy of knowing that it was real, meaningful and an expression of love. These moments one cherishes. And whatever happens beyond that period those moments cannot be in any way changed nor harmed. I am convinced that even when cognition is deteriorating and the person in question appears to be unresponsive to your approach, they nevertheless remain within the heart of their very being responsive even if that response resides deep inside and thus hidden.
I do hope that your future visits to see your mother are positive and that you can feel less fraught with uncertainty. Dementia is cruel and has no interest in "feelings " but the human spirit is extraordinary and very powerful and ultimately goes beyond the purely physical.
With warmest wishes.
