Hello kind people
I have just been reading some posts and realised I have not posted since March last year when I was in a stressed state with my mum and dad!
Well guess what? Its all got worse! My dad has now got a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease and had a minor heart attack in May. The hospital stay was dreadful as he was SO confused and I had to organise a family rota to buddy him to take the pressure off the ward staff. Two good things came from the admission: we got referred to the psychiatrist and dad’s driving license was revoked… a relief to all.
Since March last year the disease has steadily progressed, although dad has no insight at all and thinks he’s on top of everything.
My mum who is tetraplaegic after a serious accident 7 years ago has also become physically frailer.
I backed off from trying to persuade them to come stay close to me and just did my 2/3 days per week.
However, things are deteriorating so much – dad will not consent to the other carers making food before they leave; the kitchen is not hygienically clean despite having cleaners once weekly (mum will not consent to twice weekly as all is fine!); ready meals are being served up still frozen in middle; either no dinner or half a ready meal for one; dads clothes can be stained and he doesn’t seem to notice – he was always so fastidious; he doesn’t understand money anymore; he can’t write any more or read any more – he was a voracious reader and he mons about all things and everything as does mum.
I am doing my best – I suggest plans to resolve the issues, they decline the solution.
Dad’s mood swings are becoming difficult and mum has not got a good way with him, tending to shout orders, which does not go down well. Mum is very demanding since her accident and although she could help him more by prompting and encouraging nicely, she tends to stick to the negative and shout/demand/humiliate when he gets it wrong/
I have suggested for some time they need a buffer in the house and wish I could pop in daily but a 2-hour commute each was makes this impossible.
My mum is obsessed with saving money and has cut down the private carers time (they are not doing a great job any way as mum and dad don’t like to ask toom much of them and send them away early every day anyway). They wait till I arrive on a Wednesday and I get all the tasks to complete for the week.
After my mum’s accident she got a considerable insurance pay-out. As she is considerably disabled and we knew my father could not look after her (also knew dementia was slowly progressing) it was agreed that they would come and live next door to myself and my husband. I gave up my job (which was local for me and I really enjoyed) to look after them. They matched my salary for me to leave, with the plan being I would be next door, would manage the care package for both of them, do the cooking etc etc – just hold it all together and hopefully ensure they both did not go into nursing home care.
Once I had burned my boats and we had spent £25K on half of the panning/architect’s fees for planned build, they pulled out. That means that I have to travel 2 hours there, stay over and travel 2 hours back, with additional visits as and when one of them ends up in hospital. Then I have to stay over 24/7 for as long as the crisis remains.
My dad used to do a lot of housework and clean up but he is now not able, SO I clean the house, I do the shopping, I prepare food for re-heating when I’m gone and cook good nutritious food when I’m there, I take dad out to give mum a breather from him and try to respond to all their moans groans and keep everyone happy.
I get no thanks or appreciation. My husband and I did Xmas and New Year and have done both with them for the last 7 years.
Last March with mum nearly dying I tried to persuade of need to move to make it easier on me. How selfish of me! At that time my aunt and uncle visited and persuaded/advised them it was not the right decision so they changed their minds!!
Now as dad is getting worse and it is having a negative effect on Mum…. Mum was weakening and phoned her lawyers to discuss the possibilities of going ahead with the house.
Then guess what: said aunt and uncle appear, there is lots of conflict and all of a sudden, the decision is that they will NOT go ahead with the planned house.
I feel so frustrated and betrayed by my aunt and uncle…. Who visit every 6/7 weeks for a weekend and don’t do any of the hard work.
I feel I am constantly trying to find solutions for problems that they won’t accept, but I am somehow responsible for their satisfaction/health/well-being etc. I feel blocked at every turn and corner and it is starting to turn me into somebody else, who I don’t recognise.
I feel depressed/low/angry/frustrated/used/abused …….. and guilty because I can’t fix it!
This is maybe horrifying to anyone reading this (and God knows it horrifies me too) but I think I am going to resign my job with them and leave them to it.
Is that cruel? I feel so disloyal doing this.
I think there might be a little plan on the go with said aunt and uncle. Uncle is already saying my dad should go into nursing home, then mum could have live in carers and just visit dad every day which would be good for mum as it gets her out daily! Guess who live ins are planned to be?
Only fly in their ointment is that my brother and I have continuing POA welfare and financial for Dad. We will not consent to him being put into a home, as he always stressed, he did not wish to do this and I promised to support to prevent either of them going this way.
However, I think I am going mad and need to get out, although the reason I had to give up work in the first place was I was always getting emergency phone calls and having to rush away over for sometimes protracted periods and it became unsustainable as I was messing my employer around.
I have been here before, when I think I have to bow out and return to full time work but always hesitate as I know I will still get the emergency phone calls and find it difficult to say NO…. get on with whatever. My husband and I are their only support. Who will help them if I turn my back on them?
I feel so conflicted.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom apart from shooting me?!!
I have just been reading some posts and realised I have not posted since March last year when I was in a stressed state with my mum and dad!
Well guess what? Its all got worse! My dad has now got a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease and had a minor heart attack in May. The hospital stay was dreadful as he was SO confused and I had to organise a family rota to buddy him to take the pressure off the ward staff. Two good things came from the admission: we got referred to the psychiatrist and dad’s driving license was revoked… a relief to all.
Since March last year the disease has steadily progressed, although dad has no insight at all and thinks he’s on top of everything.
My mum who is tetraplaegic after a serious accident 7 years ago has also become physically frailer.
I backed off from trying to persuade them to come stay close to me and just did my 2/3 days per week.
However, things are deteriorating so much – dad will not consent to the other carers making food before they leave; the kitchen is not hygienically clean despite having cleaners once weekly (mum will not consent to twice weekly as all is fine!); ready meals are being served up still frozen in middle; either no dinner or half a ready meal for one; dads clothes can be stained and he doesn’t seem to notice – he was always so fastidious; he doesn’t understand money anymore; he can’t write any more or read any more – he was a voracious reader and he mons about all things and everything as does mum.
I am doing my best – I suggest plans to resolve the issues, they decline the solution.
Dad’s mood swings are becoming difficult and mum has not got a good way with him, tending to shout orders, which does not go down well. Mum is very demanding since her accident and although she could help him more by prompting and encouraging nicely, she tends to stick to the negative and shout/demand/humiliate when he gets it wrong/
I have suggested for some time they need a buffer in the house and wish I could pop in daily but a 2-hour commute each was makes this impossible.
My mum is obsessed with saving money and has cut down the private carers time (they are not doing a great job any way as mum and dad don’t like to ask toom much of them and send them away early every day anyway). They wait till I arrive on a Wednesday and I get all the tasks to complete for the week.
After my mum’s accident she got a considerable insurance pay-out. As she is considerably disabled and we knew my father could not look after her (also knew dementia was slowly progressing) it was agreed that they would come and live next door to myself and my husband. I gave up my job (which was local for me and I really enjoyed) to look after them. They matched my salary for me to leave, with the plan being I would be next door, would manage the care package for both of them, do the cooking etc etc – just hold it all together and hopefully ensure they both did not go into nursing home care.
Once I had burned my boats and we had spent £25K on half of the panning/architect’s fees for planned build, they pulled out. That means that I have to travel 2 hours there, stay over and travel 2 hours back, with additional visits as and when one of them ends up in hospital. Then I have to stay over 24/7 for as long as the crisis remains.
My dad used to do a lot of housework and clean up but he is now not able, SO I clean the house, I do the shopping, I prepare food for re-heating when I’m gone and cook good nutritious food when I’m there, I take dad out to give mum a breather from him and try to respond to all their moans groans and keep everyone happy.
I get no thanks or appreciation. My husband and I did Xmas and New Year and have done both with them for the last 7 years.
Last March with mum nearly dying I tried to persuade of need to move to make it easier on me. How selfish of me! At that time my aunt and uncle visited and persuaded/advised them it was not the right decision so they changed their minds!!
Now as dad is getting worse and it is having a negative effect on Mum…. Mum was weakening and phoned her lawyers to discuss the possibilities of going ahead with the house.
Then guess what: said aunt and uncle appear, there is lots of conflict and all of a sudden, the decision is that they will NOT go ahead with the planned house.
I feel so frustrated and betrayed by my aunt and uncle…. Who visit every 6/7 weeks for a weekend and don’t do any of the hard work.
I feel I am constantly trying to find solutions for problems that they won’t accept, but I am somehow responsible for their satisfaction/health/well-being etc. I feel blocked at every turn and corner and it is starting to turn me into somebody else, who I don’t recognise.
I feel depressed/low/angry/frustrated/used/abused …….. and guilty because I can’t fix it!
This is maybe horrifying to anyone reading this (and God knows it horrifies me too) but I think I am going to resign my job with them and leave them to it.
Is that cruel? I feel so disloyal doing this.
I think there might be a little plan on the go with said aunt and uncle. Uncle is already saying my dad should go into nursing home, then mum could have live in carers and just visit dad every day which would be good for mum as it gets her out daily! Guess who live ins are planned to be?
Only fly in their ointment is that my brother and I have continuing POA welfare and financial for Dad. We will not consent to him being put into a home, as he always stressed, he did not wish to do this and I promised to support to prevent either of them going this way.
However, I think I am going mad and need to get out, although the reason I had to give up work in the first place was I was always getting emergency phone calls and having to rush away over for sometimes protracted periods and it became unsustainable as I was messing my employer around.
I have been here before, when I think I have to bow out and return to full time work but always hesitate as I know I will still get the emergency phone calls and find it difficult to say NO…. get on with whatever. My husband and I are their only support. Who will help them if I turn my back on them?
I feel so conflicted.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom apart from shooting me?!!