Is this the end for my lovely man?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Sarav, Dec 10, 2015.

  1. Sarav

    Sarav Registered User

    Jul 26, 2015
    My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimers 3 years ago and we managed pretty well until he had a stroke in August 2014.He is now 94. It was impossible to care for him at home and the awful decision was made by all the family that residential care would be the next move. The first care home had lovely staff but over the months everything else went downhill. My husband was alarmed by being surrounded by advanced dementia sufferers as he was not that badly affected. the home became dirty and smelly and the family determined to find another. It was again a difficult decision as change of surroundings is known to have a bad effect. fortunately we found a great place in May this yea and the difference in my husband has been amazing. He still needs a lot of hep with daily living but has been eating well which was not the case before. He has gained weight, not had any infections unlike before,been taking part in activities and is so contented. great peace of mind for me of course and the opportunity to have some really good time together frequently. So sometimes a move is not all bad.Unfortunately on 12th November he had a fall and broke his shoulder. He was admitted to a lovely small rehab hospital but developed pneumonia and was admitted to our General hospital. The staff are so kind and caring but he is refusing to eat and drink very much and has become very aggressive to staff and physio when they try to help him. He is now so weak and frail and we are waiting for an assessment for him to go into a nursing home when one is found with available beds that accept dementia. He has never been aggressive before and it is so upsetting when everyone is only trying to help. I know it is part of the illness.Now the family know that it is probably only a matter of time. I go every day at lunchtime to try to persuade him to eat but I am not doing very well.It just breaks my heart to think I am losing him, not sleeping, lots of tears but I have to try to stay strong for him.Is there anything else I can do?
  2. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    You are doing all you possibly can - and more. Sadly, in so many cases, our lovely spouses have little in common, in their natures, with the person they used to be. Until my husband couldn't understand at all, I would talk about things that he could still remember, sing songs to him that we both liked etc.

    It's just a thought, but could you talk about meals with him? Things that were his favourites? It might encourage him to think about eating. I wish you strength for the hard days ahead. xxx
  3. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    I am so sorry xxx
    I just wanted to say that I broke my shoulder a year ago and I have never felt such excrutiating pain - it is possible that the pain is making him aggressive - I think it would have made me wild if I had not understood what had happened. It made me want to cry all the time, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and I couldn't sit for long, walk for long or lie for long - it was agony.

    I just wonder if he is having enough pain relief - a turning point for me was when after a few weeks a physio gave me ultra sound and with that and extremely strong painkillers I managed to get through it.

    Just a thought and my thoughts are with you both xx
  4. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    What a difficult time for you, it's so hard for someone with dementia to be in hospital and as Fizzie says with the amount of pain your husband is probably experiencing it is little wonder he feels like lashing out. My husband, who is 83, has recently been in hospital again and he is normally the most placid of people but he always shows signs of aggression in that situation. I think mainly because he can't understand what's happening and the staff are so busy they don't have time to try and explain, they just have to get on with the job. Perhaps he would take something like Complan, there must be other similar things available. Is he still able to swallow OK? Hope things improve for you both. xxx

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  5. Sarav

    Sarav Registered User

    Jul 26, 2015

    I thought the worst thing ever was having to decide that my lovely husband would have to go into care after his Alzheimers diagnosis three years ago and subsequent stroke 18 months ago. Now I realise that was only the beginning. A week before Christmas he passed away and I am just devastated. After a very happy marriage to a man who has really been my soulmate and yes, I realise that is an over used word, I have no idea how I will begin to live any sort of life again. The funeral is this week and family and friends have been wonderful but I am really dreading it. We want to make it a celebration of his life which has been a long and happy one. Probably there are many others out there who are going through the same thing as me, how do you cope? We have to I know but life just seems totally over.
  6. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    I'm so sorry sweetie. Step by step, day by day you'll get through with your treasured memories.
  7. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    The Sweet North
    Sarav, I am so very sorry. Please accept my sincere condolences to you and your family.
    Although it may have been expected, the death of your soulmate is always going to have an extreme effect on you, both now, and later as you start to pick up the pieces and carry on.
    But if it helps, I have recently read some inspiring and courageous posts from women who lost their husband's within the last year or so, and in due course you may wish to read, and be comforted to know that you will carry on, in a different way, but you will get through.
    Once again, please accept my deepest sympathy.
  8. Maggie42

    Maggie42 Registered User

    Mar 7, 2011
    East Midlands
    So sorry to hear your sad news, but glad you have family and friends supporting you.
  9. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    I am so sorry for your loss. Please don't forget to look after yourself at this difficult time.
  10. chris53

    chris53 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2009
    So sorry your soulmate has now left you, such memories to treasure which in time maybe will comfort you, he is at peace now,and a celebration of his life is a wonderful thing to do.
    Chris x
  11. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I'm so sorry for your loss. Wishing you strength. x
  12. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    I'm very sorry to hear you have lost your lovely husband Sarav. I'm glad you've got family and friends to help with the funeral arrangement, but it must be so hard.
    Sending you blessings and good wishes that you will find the strength to get through.
  13. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    North West
    I am so sorry to hear this very sad news. It must be so very hard after all you will have been through with your soulmate. There are plenty of TP members who will know exactly how you feel as they have been through it and many of them continue to post describing their long painful 'moving on' sometimes in great detail and very movingly.

    When you ready, this link to the forum 'After dementia' may be helpful as this is where these threads will mostly be found.
  14. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    So sorry for your loss my deepest sympathies xx
  15. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    North East England
    I am so very sorry to hear this, please accept my condolences. Wishing you strength.
  16. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    I am so sorry to read your sad news, and, alas, I know only too well what you are gong through. John died on 23rd December 2014, and his funeral was 7th January last year. And his birthday is Christmas Day.

    How do we get through it all? Well, firstly, the support here on TP is wonderful, and I am deeply indebted to all the lovely folk who have helped me. You'll have much to do in the coming weeks, after the funeral. People to see, finances to sort out, possessions to ponder about.

    I was on auto pilot for quite some time, but I found it very cathartic sorting through photos, putting them in new albums, things like that. We're all different in the way we deal with things, and there's no right or wrong way.

    During the year, I became a volunteer for the Citizen's Advice Bureau, filling in forms, I joined a Community Choir, and I had a couple of ukulele lessons, and continued, teaching myself some chords. An a couple of weeks ago, I sang and strummed at John's old Care Home.

    I would never have though this possible, a year ago, and I have sobbed, and continue to sob, buckets - at times. But I laugh and smile too. You'll find your way eventually, but at the moment you need to focus on the funeral, and your lovely man.

    My God give you the strength to get through the hard times ahead. xxx
  17. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    So sorry to hear you have lost your husband Sarav. My husband died in August. I'm glad you have support around you at this time, and help dealing with things. I remember my daughter asking me my opinion on things as she organised things like the Order of Service, catering for after the funeral etc. and me just answering "Whatever you think."

    You are still in the first pain of loss Sarav. You will get through it. We all do. There is no other way to go but forward. Wishing you strength for the days, weeks and months ahead. And, as Stanley said, if and when you feel ready, you could join us in the "After Dementia, dealing with loss" section. xx
  18. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    I am so sorry Sarah. My husband died 2 years ago and the children and I recovered slowly, very slowly. We took our time, gave ourselves a lot of space and did what we needed to do when we needed to do it. To be honest we were very grateful for the support of others but we didn't take much notice of their time limits. All high days and holidays are still sad but we always celebrate the good memories. Thinking of you at this very difficult time. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  19. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    Sarav, I'm so sorry for your loss. Wishing you strength and hope you can find peace eventually. xxxx

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

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