1. poppy01

    poppy01 Registered User

    Dec 28, 2009
    82
    yorkshire region
    Hi..

    First time I have written anything in this section as i only lost my mom just over a week ago. Feels like forever-a-go though.

    I dont know how I should be feeling to be honest with you. I know my mom isnt here anymore, I have seen her dead, but its as though she has gone away for a while and will be coming back home soon??

    I am doing everything that we have to do at this time but it feels like I am doing these things for someone else and not for us, its so strange. My tears keep coming in 'bouts'..I can be fine for a few hours or even a day or so, and then for no reason at all I cant control the crying. It lasts a few minutes or sometimes only seconds, and then it stops, and I'm ok again until the next time.

    I'm also frightened..dont ask me frightened of what, cos I cant answer that, I dont know why or what I am frightened of..stupid isnt it, I cant go upstairs on my own, I cannot go to bed on my own, or the bathroom upstairs on my own, and I dont know why.
    I know my mom wouldnt hurt me, so I dont know why I feel this way.
    We still have the funeral to have to go through yet, which is this Thursday. My family have finally managed to get over from Australia for moms funeral, well one member has made it, the other one cannot get a flight until middle of may. So we are doing a webcast so that they can watch it live, which is a terrific idea. But I am absolutely dreading it to be honest.

    If I laugh I feel guilty if I dont think of my mom for a short while, I feel guilty. I feel so so alone at the moment.

    Sorry for the rant,,just needed to let off a bit of steam I think.
     
  2. POPPY67

    POPPY67 Registered User

    Mar 5, 2010
    211
    yorkshire
    1st of all don't say sorry i should say im sorry to hear of your loss of your mum but i think i understand what you mean as my mum is my life with out her i will be nothing as i love her more than i can ever say so my heart goes out to you and your familyxxxxxxxx Jayne
     
  3. gill@anchorage5

    gill@anchorage5 Registered User

    Apr 29, 2007
    211
    Southampton
    My thoughts are with you

    Hello Poppy

    Just to let you know that I'm thinking of you. We lost my lovely Dad John 6 months ago and I can reall feel what you are going through right now.

    There is the "numbness" and then you kick into "auto pilot" to arrange all the things that need to be done. It's a really "surreal" time.

    The sadness will come in waves - let it happen and go with your emotions. We all grieve in different ways - but if you can "let it out" it is good for you to do so.

    Take care and will be thinking of you.

    Love

    Gill x
     
  4. maryw

    maryw Registered User

    Nov 16, 2008
    3,805
    Surrey
    So sorry to hear of your sad loss. Just wanted to comment on why you may be frightened. Is it not possible your whole world has been shaken? And it's just not such a safe place without your mother being there for you? I think your feelings are totally normal, but understand how you are thrown by them. It must be difficult for you. I have been there too, best way through is being kind to yourself and taking things at a slower pace. Take care x
     
  5. Helen33

    Helen33 Registered User

    Jul 20, 2008
    14,697
    Dear Poppy,

    Maybe you've managed to answer your own question - maybe you're frightened of the unknown and living without your mother is the unknown!! I hope that as you walk in this space that it becomes less frightening.

    My husband died 2 months ago and a part of me still can't believe that he has gone. He is supposed to be here. I am still shocked.

    I hope that the funeral goes as well as can be and I am glad that some of your relatives have managed to get flights.

    Love
     
  6. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    Dear Poppy.
    am so sorry.

    Be kind to yourself as grief is such a seesaw of emotions.

    when the tears come let them flow.

    It helps 2 talk! so post here when you need to.

    If you feel you would like to actually talk to someone, a friend of mine contacted cruse (sp?) and found them good.
     
  7. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Caroline

    Please let me reassure you that what you are feeling is normal. Except that there is no 'normal' with grief, it hits us all in different ways, and we have to find our own way through it.

    As Mary says, your whole world has been turned upside down. You knew your mum would die at some time, not as suddenly as she did. And you were still working through the problems with the care home, and this all seems so unfair.

    Gill's right too, there is usually a period of numbness straight after a bereavement. You have so many things to arrange, and you get through them on autopilot. It's usually after the funeral that grief hits, when you suddenly realise that it's all over. I think that's what your fear is about, you really don't want to get to that place.

    Caroline, take things a day at a time. You've been very brave, posting on this forum, that's a major step forward. Just keep taking these small steps. Post whenever you want to, we're always here for you. And don't be a stranger on the other forums, your experience will help others.

    Love and hugs,
     
  8. Gillythompson

    Gillythompson Registered User

    May 31, 2010
    4
    yorkshire
    Dear Poppy,
    so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad on the 14th May this year and I can relate to all that you're saying xx I too can't express the loss I feel and thought it wouldn't be so bad because towards the end I prayed for my dad to be released from the pain and suffering, so I thought I would just feel relief. Initially I did, and then came the guilt and the utter lonliness, even feelings of abandonment. I feel I still need my dad even though we lost him to dementia some time ago. I try to think of good times but all I can think of is the pain he was in a couple of days before he died and the terrible look on his face. It is haunting me, and it is all I think about. Maybe this is what we all have to go through when we lose a loved one, but I haven't dealt with anything as hard as this. I have a physical pain in my chest. I think it is a knot of anguish. Crying helps and I'm ok for a while but it just returns again. Maybe time will heal our pain till then we ahve to hang on I suppose xx
     

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